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Sunday, 20 May 2018

The Loaded Riposte....

                                 

Innit awful gerrin auld? Last weekend, whilst walking the dogs around Valehouse reservoir, in downtown Tintwistle, the missus proclaimed: “The reason you’re morbidly obese is that you don’t ‘power walk’ around here. You merely saunter!” I’ve been considering her proclamation and have come to the following conclusion. When I was a lot younger, women would have a go at me for many reasons such as being unfaithful, excessive boozing and gambling on horses etc. However, the older you get, the lesser the crime. I am now being berated for sauntering! Furthermore, I’m NOT morbidly obese. I’m quite happily obese! Isn’t life grand, when you’re doo-lally!                          


My next-door neighbour, Barmy Albert has been most unwell for the last few weeks. So I went round and took some DVD’s and Marks & Spencer ready meals. I’m just hoping he won't notice...

I asked my boss, "Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?" He sez:, "It's May!" "Sorry" I replied, "May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?"

Whoever it is that lost an iPhone 6s Plus yesterday in Wetherspoons, can you please stop calling my new phone, it's really annoying me!

                                                   


I was behind an Eddie Stobart 18 wheeler and at every red light the driver would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row , I became intrigued and followed him until he pulled into a service area. When we both had come to a stop, the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. I went up to him and proclaimed: "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of  canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."
                                           
We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the road. He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him by shouting, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the wrong tree!"


                                               

Little Joey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire station. Before each kid could leave, the fire chief quizzed them. The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?" Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."

Fascinating Fact: The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbours.

The case in the County Court concerned a will and a lawyer was questioning Non-Stick Nora. "Was the deceased," asked the attorney, "In the habit of talking to himself when he was alone?" "I don't know," replied Nora. "Come on now, you don't know and yet you pretend you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?" "Well, sir," opined Nora, "I never happened to be with him when he was alone." Good point, well made Nora!


                             

Is there something special you'd like to do for someone special? Just tell them about my website that links to my ultra-funny Jokey-Bloggington instead. Save that special thing for when you are in trouble with that someone special. So go ahead and tell them about me and don't bother wasting that special thing until necessary. Clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Now, get back to work!

Wednesday, 16 May 2018

The Telemarketeer Geezer Gubbins.....


                             
Just when you sit down to eat dinner, the phone rings and it's one of those awful telemarketer geezers. I don't think you should loose your temper with them  Treat it a a form of jocular therapy and have a chortle. We were having a salad anyway, so it won't go cold....

The voice on the other end said, "May I speak with Joanne please?"

"She's not here,"  I answered..

"To whom am I speaking?"

"This is Non-Stick Nora, her current concubine."

"Oh. Right When will he be home?"

"She."

"I'm sorry, pardon?"

"She. It's an her. He/She is a hermaphrodite and resides in Standish.. He/She has a Wigan address
They'll be home around midnight. May I ask who this is calling?"

"This is Daryl."

"And what company do you work for Dazzeroony?"

"I am unable to divulge that information, because of the privacy of data act."

"What do you mean you cannot divulge that information?"

I'm calling to speak specifically with Joanne."

"Anything you have to say to Jo-Jo you can tell me, coz I'm a ventriloquist."

"I really can't do that."

"Sure you can, just pretend I'm them. I won't tell no bugger."

"No madam I can't, really. I'm not allowed."

"Hold on just a moment. Shit a brick! She's home prematurely and just walked in
the front door."

After giving her a quick briefing of the scenario, I handed the phone to the missus. 

"Hullo?" She opined.

"Nora?"

"Yes. This is Non-Stick Nora."

"This is Daryl with BT."

"Hi Dazzer. What's the big secret that you couldn't tell Nora?"

"We are only allowed to talk to the person we have listed on our contact
list. I'm sorry sir."

"Madam."

"Madam?"

"Yeth?"

"Oh, I'm really sorry."

"Is Joanne the only contact person on your list?"

"No madam. There is an Austin Knight listed as well."

"Why didn't you ask to speak with him?"

"Could I speak with him?"

"He's not here, he's doing six months in the nick. Can I take a message?"

"No but you're Joanne right?"

"That's semi-correct"

"Okay, I can talk to you. BT is aware that you have recently switched to
another supplier. We like to make you an offer to get you back
as a BT customer.

"Do you know why we switched?"

"No sir. madam, I don't. Would you like to tell me?

"Let me speak to Everard."

"There is no one here by that name."

"Then I cannot divulge that information."

"I would be happy to straighten out any problems you may have had with BT.
That's one of the reasons I'm calling you today."

"No, I'm sorry. I can only talk to Everard. What time will he be there?"

"Nobody named Everard works here."

"Then I cannot divulge that information."

"I can assure you that it is alright to speak with me."

"Is your name Everard?"

"No but it's my job to help you with any problems you might have had with
us. Is there some reason why you can't talk to me about this?"

"I'm not allowed."

"Well, thank you and have a nice evening sir."

"Madam."

(CLICK....)


                         

A few of this months gigs....







Monday, 14 May 2018

Grab-A-Granny Night....

                                    


BREAKING NEWS: Manchester United have confirmed Sir Alex Ferguson no longer needs intensive care and is recovering well. Apparently, Wayne Rooney has been to visit him yesterday. "His speech is improving and he can almost string two words together" said Sir Alex....



Barmy Albert was meeting Dastardly Derek at Grab-A-Granny  night, and as he went in, he noticed two old wimmin looking at him. "Nine," he heard one whisper as he passed. Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his waiting buddy and told him an octogenarian lady had just rated him a nine! "I don't want to burst your bubble,"Derek replied, "but when you came in, they were speaking German."
                                               



Tameside & Glossop - Panic gripped the streets of Ashton-U-Lyne last weekend when patches of sky took on an unusual blue colour and a ball of fire appeared above the town. The phenomenon, known as 'The Sun' and commonly found in Mediterranean countries, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness upon the township, causing many pedestrians to take off their hats and scarves, while motorists were able to turn both their headlights and wipers off. Theresa May urged people to be calm and return to work as normal stating: "We've seen this sort of thing before", she opined, "but it never lasts." There are forecasts that 'The Sun' could be seen throughout the weekend but a spokesman for No.10 said, "I wouldn't hold my breath."



When she was only five years old, I recollect playing tooth fairy when my daughter, Suzie, suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, "I caught you!" I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I, instead of the tooth fairy, was putting the money under her pillow but her next words let me off the hook. "You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The tooth fairy left that!”

                                                      


Still on the subject of kids, a four year old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?" "Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different colour." There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?



Fascinating Fact: Money won't buy happiness but it will pay for a large staff to study the problem.



Why do they put "Out of Order" signs on escalators? Why not just say ‘Temporarily Stairs’?

                                              


The BBC have confirmed that they are to broadcast live coverage of the World Hairdressing Championships. I'll probably just watch the highlights.


                                              

What's more fun than a barrel of monkeys? Why, that would be reading this gloppy but funny column in this fantastic newspaper! Besides, monkeys bite, scratch and are prone to occasionally spitting. If you opt for the monkeys, be sure to be up to date on your rabies and tetanus vaccines and remember that you should never monkey around with another monkey’s monkey! You can visit my website though and troll my now famous ‘Jokey-Bloggington’. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com


                                                     

Thursday, 10 May 2018

Gravity Always Lets Me Down....

                   


YOUR HELP IS NEEDED!!

I saw a report recently, about how gravity, which is a nonrenewable
resource, is gradually diminishing. Top scientists agree...  "With the
present rate of consumption, the earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted
before the 24th century."

There is a direct link between the vanishing of the ozone layer and decrease
in the earth's gravity supply. We're already seeing the effects of the
disappearance of the ozone layer, but we're not likely to see the effects of
vanishing gravity during our lifetimes. However, our children will probably
have to deal with the issue.

It is interesting to think of some of the results science has yet to
consider. The obvious impact will be on engineering (like keeping bridges
and buildings weighted down), but what about sports? Breaking records for
the high jump will become easier. Football kicks will likely grow longer and
an 82-yard field goal will not be unheard of. Limbo dancing will be more
difficult and even Louis Anderson will be able to run the hurdles.

Until scientists discover a cheaper alternative, we need to help...


                               
PLEASE CONSERVE GRAVITY
Follow these simple suggestions:
(1)  Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
(2)  Use tape, magnets or glue instead of paperweights.
(3)  Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like curling.
(4)  Avoid showers & take baths instead.
(5)  Don't hang all your clothes in the closet. Keep them in one big pile.
(6)  Stop flipping pancakes

This is no joke. What could be more serious? After all gravity is the
opposite of comedy! You may be laughing now, but just picture your great
grandchildren wearing safety tethers, unable to play outdoors for fear of
floating away in a wind storm. Please be gravity conscious.



                 

Wednesday, 9 May 2018

Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support


Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create an empty New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I Exit without Saving?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my
work?
A: Stop shaking it....

                                

Tuesday, 8 May 2018

The Abbott Additions...

BREAKING NEWS: Manchester United have confirmed Sir Alex Ferguson no longer needs intensive care and is recovering well. Apparently, Wayne Rooney has been to visit him yesterday. "His speech is improving and he can almost string two words together" said Sir Alex....


Kids, listen up! If you want a puppy dog, then start out asking for a horse. Kids do the funniest things. When she was at primary school, I believe my young daughter wanted a pair of glasses. I never knew why she did.. Perhaps glasses were "cool" then to have in school? But though her eyesight was just fine, she still maintained that she needed glasses. I took her to Specsavers just to check it out though. She was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She sez, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"

When my daughter was three years old, I recollect going to Manchester shopping and when we returned home, I discovered that she had a chocolate bar in her pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and she certainly didn't, so I marched her straight back to the shopping centre and let her loose in the jewellers.

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what brand of shampoo did they use while showering. 98% of them said: "How the hell did you get in here?!?!"
                                               

Breaking News: The inventor of predictive text was injured in a traffic accident. He's been bacon by ambience to the horse piddle...

Inside me there is a really skinny bloke just screaming to get out. I can usually shut him up with a bar of Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut! Moreover, I love all of God's creatures, especially those next to the roast potatoes!

                                                   
                       
Nothing is more annoying than that moment during an argument when you realise you’re totally wrong.

The missus phoned me and sez, "Where the devil are you?" I replied, "You know that jewellers on the High St, where you saw that diamond bracelet that you fell madly in love with?" She said "Oh yes, I do!!" I sez, "Well, I'm in the pub, next door to that jewellers".

                                     

If Aliens looked down from their spaceship and witnessed humans picking up dog excrement who would they think are the dominant species?

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity. In short "Be brief and don't use big words."

I always watch Diane Abbot when she's on the BBC Breakfast News. You can't beat a good chortle to start your day

                                           


They say that the pain during child birth is so great, A woman can almost imagine what a man with a cold feels like.

Quote of the week: My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. - Oscar Wilde.

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com
                                             



Monday, 30 April 2018

Definitions by Gender....


                              


 GUBBINS:
 female: Any part under a car's bonnet.
 male: A fastener on women's clothing.

VULNERABLE:
 female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
 male: Playing football without a jockstrap.

 COMMUNICATION:
 female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
 male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the
boys.

 BUM:
 female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn.
 male: What you slap when someone scores a goal.
 Also good for mooning.

 COMMITMENT:
 female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
 male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with girlfriend.

 ENTERTAINMENT:
 female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
 male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

 FLATULENCE:
 female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
 male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male
 bonding.

                                 

Saturday, 28 April 2018

21 Reasons Why The English Language Is So Hard To Learn:

                     
                                     

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
 present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers
don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One
goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? If you have a bunch of odds and
ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it
an odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by
ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.That
is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
   
                                           

The Argument....

                                     


Breaking News: Home Secretary Amber Rudd has resigned on the 29th April. Just before May.   It would appear that The Tories are now rudderless....
                                 

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers "May I help you?" The bloke sez "Yes, I'm in room 118. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window." The desk clerk says "I'm sorry, sir, but that's a personal issue." The fella replies "Listen, I can’t get the window open... and that's a maintenance issue."


After much deliberation I have decided to write a play about dieting as I think it would appeal to a much bigger audience

                                                    The dyslexic, incontinent goldfish....
                                       


If Aliens looked down from their spaceship and witnessed humans picking up dog excrement who would they think are the dominant species?



I remember my grandfather tried to warn folk about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the approaching iceberg and how the ship was going to sink but all they did, was throw him out of the cinema. I fondly recollect the last thing my grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket,he sez: "How far do you think I can kick this bucket"



If anybody else stops me on the High Street, asking for directions, I shall have no option but to tell them where to go!
                                               



Breaking News: Just heard there was an explosion at a pie shop in Wigan. 141,592 are feared dead...

Fascinating Fact: Grass grows in direct proportion to your unwillingness to mow it.



I went into my local pub, the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife and they were doing free ear piercing or as the locals call it, Ladies Darts Night...



I had just pulled up on the drive last weekend and spotted a burglar running out of the back door and jumping over the fence. The missus must have put up a good fight though. She was naked, drenched in sweat and had difficulty walking.



I'm suffering from paranoid dementia. I can't remember who I don't trust. Over the last few weeks I’ve been feeling miserable and depressed, but I’ve managed to turn it all around, and now I’m depressed and miserable.

                                                   




The barmaid in Wetherspoons asked me if I had been to see the dentist. I sez, "Yeah, how did you know?" She replied, "It's that sticker on your shirt that says ' I Was Brave'......



I remember my grandfather tried to warn folk about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the approaching iceberg and how the ship was going to sink but all they did was throw him out of the cinema.



If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Only work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com



                                               


Tuesday, 24 April 2018

A few pics from St.Georges Day Lunch @ Principle, Manchester with Gary Marshall.

                                                                          Program
                                                                   Proceedings
                                                            Austin Knight & Michael Hurst
                                                                 Vince Miller & Austin Knight
                                                      Comedians Gary Marshall & Austin Knight

Saturday, 21 April 2018

A Few Pics From Hong Kong 7's Rugby Gig....

                                                                     Carbine Club Luncheon
                                                               Hong Kong F.C.
                                                                           Stadium
                                                             Gone Fishin'
                                                          Me With With Rob Jones
                                                                   Out & About in HK!
                                                            Joanne @ UB40 Kick-off Concert.
                                                           A Day In Kowloon!
                                                       Poolside @ Hyatt Grand Hotel.