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Sunday, 22 July 2018

Further & Better Particulars....


                       

Dear Sir:

"I am writing in response to your request for
additional information in Block 3 of the accident
report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my
accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I
trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident,
I was working alone on the roof of a new six story
building. When I completed my work, found that I had
some bricks left over which, when weighed later were
found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than
carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them
in a barrel by using a pulley,which was attached to
the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing
the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung
the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I
went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to
ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form
that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being
jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence
of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to
say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met
the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an
equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured
skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as
listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not
stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two
knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this
time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to
experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the
barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that
barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again
to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid
descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity
of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth
and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter
with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my
injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and
fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am
sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of
bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my
composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope
and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two
broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry."

Yours Sincerely,

Warwick Hunt.

                                       

Friday, 13 July 2018

The Incredible Conversation....

                                         

Two blokes met in Wetherspoons recently and struck up an incredible conversation.
One was telling the other about some problems he was having with one of his kids.

After a while the other guy said, "You think you have family problems? A few
years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my
stepmother and my father became my stepson.

"Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter
of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because
he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which
made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother.

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son,
my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the
brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife.

"I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my
son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather! And you think you
have family problems?"

                                    

How To Get That Fabulous Job....

                           

Arrive fashionably late.

Greet the interviewer as casually as you would your friends, like "Wassup, dude?"

Bring a relative or pet with you.

If it's summer time, wear very little clothing so you can stay cool.

Also, wear bright, flashy colours, lots of jewellery, and extra cologne or
perfume to keep the mosquitoes away.

Play it cool by showing no enthusiasm for the job.

Or act desperate, like you'll take any job.

Ask about pay, vacation, coffee breaks and other things the company can do
for you, right off the bat.

Brag about how many interviews and job offers you have lined up.

Always interrupt the interview to take cell-phone calls from your bookie or
pimp.

Shuffle through important papers, work samples and such so you look
important.

Eating, drinking, or smoking is a great "icebreaker!" Don't forget to share.

Occasionally, fidget or squirm to stay awake.

Tell the interviewer you intend to go after his or her job.

Knowing little to nothing about the company or job description will give you
extra things to talk about, so play dumb.

Ask for a cash advance upfront
for Wetherspoons tokens.

Make statements or ask questions that reveal negative, underlying
implications, such as, "What happens if I'm late a lot?"

Criticise a former employer, coworker or boss to show them you're tough.

Stop the interview early, to make it to another on time. This shows them you
are a "hot" prospect.


                                       

Sunday, 24 June 2018

The Fire.....

                                 
                   


 Two World Cup countries have 0 players who play in their own country: Sweden and Senegal. The one country which has 0 team members playing outside their country? England. Fascinating innit!

Iran are now out of the World Cup, so the only remaining Islamic country in the competition is the United Kingdom....
                                 

                                   
Polish fans ran amok in Moscow and cleaned, polished and vacuumed 346 cars!



                               

Parting is such sweet sorrow. This will be my last column for a while, as I am away until the autumn. This year, I shall be working on many different cruise liners around the Mediterranean. Then, copious exotic destinations beckon and in between these forays this summer as I will also be performing at the fantastic TUI Gold Hotels in Lanzarote, Cyprus, Costa del Sol, Menorca and Ibiza! These hotels are adults only. No kids! You think you’ve gone deaf!

                                 


I came home from a gig yesterday, only to find the missus stood in the garden while the fire brigade extinguished the flames in our scullery. I sez to the wife, "Why on earth didn't you phone me?" "What could you have done?" she opined. I replied, "Well, I could have gone to Wetherspoons and got summat to eat there." That’s when the trouble started!


                     

Whilst sauntering around Tesco at the weekend, there was a foreign couple in front of me. I heard the check-out cashier ask if they would like help packing their bags, and my first impression was, "Effinell! This Brexit gubbins is having a bigger impact than I first thought!"

Old Jokes Home: When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, because of this, I had to put my foot down...



One of life’s ponderables: I wonder if a water bed is more bouncy if it was filled with spring water? Answers on a coastguard please.

                                     


I was a bookkeeper for many years; however the local library weren't too happy about it.



A lad is compiling a thesis on childbirth and asks his parents; "How was I born?" His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork delivered you." "Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?" "Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma." The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations. Moreover, my grandparents were called Pearl and Dean, but I just called them Gran and Grandpapapapapapapa. Isn’t life grand, when you’re doo-lally!

                                     


Barmy Albert was in The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, sat at the bar all afternoon, trying to fathom out why his sister has four brothers, whilst he only has three.



Thought for Thursday: Apparently 'spite' is not an appropriate answer to the question; "What motivates you..."



                               

Yesterday, I spent over an hour writing out the lyrics to 'Bohemian Rhapsody' in a futile endeavour to distract myself from my compulsion to put everything in the wheelie bin. But now I've gone and thrown it all away....




                                 



I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!


                                   

Wednesday, 13 June 2018

The Fitness App.....


                                                       

Breaking News: Polish football fans have been warned by the Russian authorities that if they cause any trouble during the World Cup they will be immediately deported back to the United Kingdom.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up,  everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.” But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, no balls and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable!

                                 
                                   

Barmy Albert went up to Non-Stick Nora and proudly showed him what appeared to be a dog. "It's absolutely unique," Albert explained, "It's part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand." Nora asked: "Which part is bull?" Albert replied, "The part about the thousand...."


My pal started a new business cultivating those miniature Japanese Bonsai trees. He's done so well, he's had to move to smaller premises....


We bought a water bed about eighteen months ago. Since that time, the missus and I have just drifted apart. A further mitigating factor is that her side has frozen over.


"When you were a little kid remember how difficult it was just to get a Kit-Kat? Well high up on the kitchen worktop, unless your mum was really fastidious, then they'd be right on the very top shelf of the kitchenette cabinet, miles out of reach. Absolutely nowhere on the wrapper of a Kit-Kat does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where's the Domestos bleach and the Mr Muscle? Floor level.Under the sink, right next to the rest of all the toxins."
                                             

                                       


I just entered what I’ve scoffed today into my new fitness app and it has sent an ambulance to my house! Technology. Doncha luvvit!


"My grandad always said, 'Don't watch your money; watch your health.' So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandad." He always gave me sound advice. He told me to buy Bang & Olufsen speakers.

                                             
June 21st is the 171st day of the year (172nd in leap years) in the Gregorian calendar. There are 208 days remaining until the end of the year.


Remember folks, no matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery! If you want to keep up with all the latest jocular gubbins, then visit my website. Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington for a chortle and a guffaw. You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
                                       

Monday, 11 June 2018

The Chestnuts....

                                         


A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids... 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours? 'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.' 'OK, and who's next?' 'Well, this one he is Terry, also.' The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terry?' Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?' 'Well then, I call them by their surnames!'



Yesterday, I spotted Barmy Albert sauntering through Stalybridge, wearing a Hi-Viz jacket and camouflage trousers... Make your mind up Albert!

                                                


I arrived home from a gig late last night and the missus had left a note on the fridge. It said, 'It's not working, so I've gone to my mothers'. I opened the fridge, got a can of Stella out and it was chilled to perfection.



Thought for Thursday: Fame is limited to 15 minutes. Infamy is timeless and love is eternal.


                                                

I’ve joined an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothes. If I had any loose fitting clothes, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! Most embarrassing moment was when I went on the rowing machine and it sank....

                                                 


I've invented a new Love Island drinking game! Rule 1. Every time someone says "Oh my god" then take a sip. Rule 2. See rule number 1.



They say there's a moronic cretin in every group of friends. However, I'm quite fortunate because all mine are just the nicest folk. Hang on a minute!

                                    


On a recent visit to Tameside Hospital, I noticed a sign on the maternity room door, which bore the legend: "Push – Push - Push." Fascinating!


                                    



Being attacked by butterflies? Take a break from the fresh air of outdoors and enlighten yourself and broaden your parochial horizons by reading my gloppy column. Then you can tell all your pals about my Jokey-Blog! Just click on www.ComedianUK.com and follow the link. Oh, don't forget to warn them about the attacking butterflies while you are at it.




                                  

Saturday, 2 June 2018

The Imaginary Friend.....

                                     


When my daughter Suzie Nellie (21) was about 5 years old, she had an imaginary friend, who somehow possessed the rather sophisticated and somewhat grand moniker of Copper Du Maze. I was always taking the Mickey out of her because of this, however, one day; she got upset and stormed into her bedroom, slamming the door. I knew that I had to set things straight and went into her room and declared: “I’m very sorry for having a go at you about your imaginary friend and would like to unreservedly apologise.” She looked at me, with tears in her eyes and proclaimed: “Thank you daddy.” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied: “I’m not talking to you; I’m talking to Copper Du Maze.”


Moron-v-Mourners: I was attending a funeral last week and there was a flippant teenage oik straddled across the back pew of the church, nonchalantly scrolling through his iPhone, whilst loudly informing the other mourners that funerals were boring and demanding to know if there was a Wi-Fi connection in the church! The priest took exception to this appalling behaviour, sauntered across and exclaimed: “You, young man are an ignorant and disrespectful individual!” To which the youth replied: “Is that all lower case, dude?”

                                       



The general consensus of opinion from the government is that gambling ruins lives. However, that’s quite the reverse, as it's brought our family much closer. We’ve had to move to a rented DSS bed-sit flatlet. The area is so rough; we have to bring the doorstep in at night....

                                           


Breaking News: A lorry carrying ice cream has jackknifed on the M67 at Denton Rock. Police have coned off the area....

                           

When a woman proclaims: "We need to talk" Why is it never about golf or football? When the missus sez, "What do you think?" she is not asking for my opinion. She is asking for her opinion, from my mouth. It’s like being a ventriloquist’s dummy innit!



A Poignant Thought: At some point in your childhood, you and all your pals went outside to play together for the one very last time, and nobody knew it.


                                         

I bumped into Non-Stick Nora in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife over the weekend and she was fondly recollecting her head teacher curtly informing her that “Looking out of the window won’t get you anywhere in life.” She confessed that she had a smug look on her face thirty years later, when she handed him his burger and fries at the McDonalds drive thru...

                                             


Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                                     




Monday, 28 May 2018

The Idiot....

                              The ONLY saving that Liverpool made.....
                 


 "There's an idiot on the pitch." "Yeah it's your goalkeeper you scouse twats. To be fair it won’t be their fault.....




I sobbed and cried on the sofa as I recalled my awful childhood. "Do you think I am going mad"? I asked. “Yes, now get out of DFS”. Came the harsh reply!

Barmy Albert went into B & Q store and orders 10,000 bricks. "May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter. "It's going to be a barbecue." Albert replied.  "Wow, that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue," "Not really; I live on the 12th floor."

                                         


Quiz of the Week: Question No1."Have you ever suffered with any form of memory loss?"
and Finally question No 10...

I met a girl who was half-French & half-Chinese. I took her home & she sucked my laundry..

I have a bit of a dilemma and need advice Can anyone help I’ve been seeing this girl for a while getting very serious but I have just found out that she has a wooden leg, I don’t know what to do. Should I break it off? Peggy will never forgive me.

I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth, but one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.

What’s the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo ?...One is really heavy, whereas, the other is a little lighter...

 My grandad was killed by a deadly combination of drink and drugs. He popped out to the corner shop to buy some tea bags, when a Boots The Chemist  van knocked him over. Sad innit!


                                                               



Fascinating Fact: There are 26 million people in the UK who support Liverpool.. they are called tax payers.



I have been informed by my doctor that I’m colour blind. I’m shocked, this diagnosis has really come out of the magenta!
                                                                 


We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the road. He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him by shouting, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the wrong tree!"



Little Joey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire station. Before each kid could leave, the fire chief quizzed them. The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?" Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."


                                             



Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!


                                     



Sunday, 20 May 2018

The Loaded Riposte....

                                 

Innit awful gerrin auld? Last weekend, whilst walking the dogs around Valehouse reservoir, in downtown Tintwistle, the missus proclaimed: “The reason you’re morbidly obese is that you don’t ‘power walk’ around here. You merely saunter!” I’ve been considering her proclamation and have come to the following conclusion. When I was a lot younger, women would have a go at me for many reasons such as being unfaithful, excessive boozing and gambling on horses etc. However, the older you get, the lesser the crime. I am now being berated for sauntering! Furthermore, I’m NOT morbidly obese. I’m quite happily obese! Isn’t life grand, when you’re doo-lally!                          


My next-door neighbour, Barmy Albert has been most unwell for the last few weeks. So I went round and took some DVD’s and Marks & Spencer ready meals. I’m just hoping he won't notice...

I asked my boss, "Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?" He sez:, "It's May!" "Sorry" I replied, "May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?"

Whoever it is that lost an iPhone 6s Plus yesterday in Wetherspoons, can you please stop calling my new phone, it's really annoying me!

                                                   


I was behind an Eddie Stobart 18 wheeler and at every red light the driver would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row , I became intrigued and followed him until he pulled into a service area. When we both had come to a stop, the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. I went up to him and proclaimed: "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of  canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."
                                           
We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the road. He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him by shouting, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the wrong tree!"


                                               

Little Joey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire station. Before each kid could leave, the fire chief quizzed them. The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?" Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."

Fascinating Fact: The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbours.

The case in the County Court concerned a will and a lawyer was questioning Non-Stick Nora. "Was the deceased," asked the attorney, "In the habit of talking to himself when he was alone?" "I don't know," replied Nora. "Come on now, you don't know and yet you pretend you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?" "Well, sir," opined Nora, "I never happened to be with him when he was alone." Good point, well made Nora!


                             

Is there something special you'd like to do for someone special? Just tell them about my website that links to my ultra-funny Jokey-Bloggington instead. Save that special thing for when you are in trouble with that someone special. So go ahead and tell them about me and don't bother wasting that special thing until necessary. Clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Now, get back to work!