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Monday, 12 March 2018

The Sexist....


I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.

9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices ... my children are taken by social services
It's been snowing all night. So ....

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman

8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's
voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere

8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead

8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts

8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white..

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman to wear a burqa

8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended

8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role

8:43 The council equalities officer arrived and threatened me with eviction

8:45 TV news crew from the BBC shows up.
9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the St demanding for me to be beheaded

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live


Sunday, 11 March 2018

The Eureka Moment!


I’ve had a Eureka moment! Hey lads! Listen up! I’ve finally worked it out. The bestest way to get a woman to change her mind is to agree with her in the first place! You heard it here first folks!


Little Nellie (aged 9) was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mummy,” she said. “Can we go home now?” “No,” her mother replied. “Well, I think I have to throw up!” “Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.” In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. “Did you throw up?” her mother asked. “Yes,” the little girl replied. “Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?” “I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mum.” the little girl replied. “They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the sick’.”


I asked the missus to describe me in five words. She sez I'm moral, I'm mature, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she also added that I possess a fundamental lack of understanding with regard to apostrophes and spaces. Hmmmm. Fascinating innit?


Just read an article in the newspaper about the first three minutes when you are born. They reckon that this is the most dangerous time in anyone's life. The last three minutes can't be all that clever either....

I saw a spiritualist medium last week. She told me that a huge amount of cash was coming my way. The very next day, I got knocked over by a Securicor van. Spooky or what?


I visited my doctor for my annual medical check-up. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I'm nearly sixty.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke Cuban cigars, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?" "Oh no," I replied. 'I'm virtually teetotal and have never smoked".  Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "Not much... they reckon that all red meat is very unhealthy" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or fishing?" "No, I don't," I replied. He asked, "Do you gamble on horses, drive fast cars, or have lots of different sexual partners?" "Definitely not!”I sez.. He looked at me and declared: "Then, why do you give a fuck?"


If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email


Sunday, 4 March 2018

The Bird Expert....


Non-Stick Nora told Barmy Albert that his jeans originated in Africa, many millions of years ago...Well he looked at the label when she left and it turns out they came from Taiwan in 2017. Fascinating!

"Waiter, this soup is cold!" "Actually sir, it's gazpacho." "Gazpacho - this soup is cold!"

I attended a memorabilia auction with Barmy Albert. I bought a hand signed Ronnie Corbett photograph and he bought a genuine autograph of Ronnie Barker. So it’s good buy from me and good buy from him! Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

A Vegan once told me that butchers who sell meat are disgraceful. I sez: “People who sell fruit and veg are grocer!”

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a morbid fear of thinking that there was a ‘bogey-man’ under my bed at night. So I went to see a psychiatrist to seek learned counselling on this underlying issue. I told him: “I've got severe problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm frightened and I think I'm going bananas.” “Just put your good self in my hands for twelve months,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to rid you of those fears...” “How much do you charge?” “£80 plus VAT per appointment,” replied the doctor. “I'll sleep on it,” I said. Six months later, I bumped into the doctor on the High Street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked. “Well, at eighty quid plus VAT per visit, multiplied by three times a week, for a whole year is an awful lot of moolah! The barman at Wetherspoons cured me for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and bought myself a new Land Rover Discovery!” “Is that right!” With a bit of an attitude, he replied, “And how, may I ask, did a mere barperson cure you?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't anybody under there now!”

Due to the inclement weather, schools are asking mums to wear two pairs of pyjamas when picking kids up. Such is life...


I’ve had a Eureka moment! Hey lads! Listen up! I’ve finally worked it out. The bestest way to get a woman to change her mind is to agree with her in the first place! You heard it here first folks!

When it comes to mucking up everyday sayings, I've been that, done there, got the tea bag....

Corns and bunion pain exacerbated with athletes foot malady? I can't help you with that, but I can tell you that the secret to lasting hair growth is to tell the world about this gloppy column and my Jokey-Blog. Just click on all you have to do is tell your friends and family and your friends and families friends and family and then, do it all over again.


Monday, 26 February 2018

The Bleak Midwinter....


The snow was so thick in Glossop this week, I asked a snowman the time and he just stared at me! I do like it when it snows though. My garden looks like everybody else’s...

                                                              Two feet of snow here!

This bloke comes home early from work, only to find his best mate in bed in bed with his missus. Anger took over; he got his gun and shot him! His wife looked at him with much disdain and said: “If you carry on behaving like this, you’re going to have no friends left!”


I was languishing in the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife Public House last night, larruping back copious tankards of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best Bitter British Beer, when I said to the missus, "Have I told you that you look absolutely divine tonight?" "No, you haven't" she said with a bashful smile. "Well, there's a reason for that," I replied....

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole. So, now we know. Fascinating innit!!


Well I never! According to the most current magazine in my dentist’s waiting room, every home in the UK will have a television by 1962. Fascinating!

Barmy Albert and Dastardly Derek were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Albert sez, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’ Derek replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’

I asked the missus to toast some bread for me. She raised her wine glass and shouted: “Here’s to bread!” She lost her last job because she had rheumatism in the shoulder. Consequently, she couldn’t throw the harpoon anymore.


Fascinating Fact: Did you know that there are more aeroplanes in the sea than there are submarines in the sky.


Quote for Thursday: "Write a funny anecdote and your name will live forever." – Anonymous.

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: Email me: Now, get back to work. Spring is just around the corner! Top of Form


Sunday, 18 February 2018

The Spaghetti Alphahabetti Confetti...


I was having Alphabetti Spaghetti for breakfast but could only spell the word ‘Oooooooooo’. Upon further inspection, I noticed that it was a tin of Spaghetti Hoops.


I asked the missus to toast some bread for me. She raised her wine glass and shouted: “Here’s to bread!” She lost her last job because she had rheumatism in the shoulder. Consequently, she couldn’t throw the harpoon anymore.


Upon visiting the optician, last week, I informed him I can see two years into the future. He reckons I've got 2020 vision!


Thought for Thursday: Some people are real. Some people are good. Some people are fake. Then some folk are real good at being fake...

British Gas rang yesterday morning and curtly informed me: "The meter readings you provided us with for the winter season, seem to be suspiciously low." I sez, "Yeah, I've never actually read the meters. I just think beforehand how much I feel like paying, and then I adjust the figures to suit." "Sir, that is fraudulent, you can't do that!" She curtly informed me. I replied, "Well, it's a system that seems to work all right for you robbing swines!"


The missus (or Jurassic Park in Knickers, as I lovingly refer to her.) was counting all the five and ten pence coins out on the kitchenette table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting, screaming and crying for no apparent reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

Walking into Tesco and placing the bag on the counter at customer services, I sez to the assistant, "I'd like to return this, please." "Is there anything wrong with the item?" she asked. "Nothing whatsoever." I replied. "It's hardly been used, I just don’t need it anymore." "Sir, this bag is empty," the assistant sarcastically informed me. "That's correct," I sez. "I'd like my five pence back please." While I was in Tesco, I bought some rocket salad, but it went off before I could eat it!

On Monday, I escorted the mother-in-law to her doctor’s appointment. She had a carrot stuck fast up her nose, a banana jammed in one ear and a cucumber was lodged in her other ear! The doctor asked me, “What seems to be the problem?”I said “Well, I’m no medical expert myself, doctor. But I don't reckon that she's eating properly.”

After being wheeled out of the operating theatre, the patient whispered to the matron, “I’m fine, but I didn’t like the four- letter word that I overheard the surgeon use during the operation.” “What did he say?” enquired the Matron. ‘Oops!’ came the reply...

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at It’s if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!


Wednesday, 14 February 2018

A Valentines Day Poem....

THANKYOU for the flowers, she said,
as she slowly raised her head,
I'm sorry for the things I said last night,
I was wrong, and you were right,
So I forgave her, there and then,
and as we whiled away the hours,
I thought to myself, WHAT F***ING FLOWERS!!

Barmy Albert was in the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife Pubic House, up Scropton St, with Non-Stick Nora on Valentines night and he whispered: "I love you". She replied; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He sez, "It's me talking to the beer...".

With it being Valentines Day today, I've just said those three little words to the missus. "I'm off out..."

For Valentines Day, I've found summat that the missus looks really good in. The f***ing distance!

I sez to the missus in bed this morning, "It's Valentines Day, do that thing that you do with your mouth." She sez, "Ooooh, what do you mean?" I sez, "Shut the f**ck up."

The moment you realise your wholemeal loaf has a Valentines Day date and you haven't....

Sunday, 11 February 2018

The Winter Olympics...


I was watching the Winter Olympics from Pyeongchang and the speed skating was fantastic! I tried speed skating on ten pints of beer once and it's not as easy as it looks. I reckon that if you’re competing in cross-country skiing, you should choose a very small country. When my granddad was on his deathbed, the doctor instructed the nurses to attach skates to his feet. He went downhill rapidly after that. Personally though, I wouldn’t go down that bobsleigh track until it had been gritted. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!


Some years ago in Manchester a guy decided to open a school for comedy and he got quite a few people who wanted to be comedians, including one bloke who lived in the South West, but was desperate to do comedy so he asked the teacher for advice and was told to pack his job in, move to Manchester and when he went to sign on the dole, he should tell them that he was a qualified lion tamer (in the hope that of them never finding him a job) imagine his surprise when they offered him a job at Belle Vue Circus! I remember the headlines in this very newspaper!
A bloke who took British Airways to court because they mislaid his luggage has lost his case. Whereas, a neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert...

This morning, as I power-walked past the gym, I saw some idiot put a bottle of Buxton Spring Water in the Pringles holder on the treadmill. Sometimes, I go on the rowing machine. I just sit there and drift....

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more. They start believing in the hereafter. They run upstairs and think, "What the flamin’ hell have I come up here after?"


Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that miniscule shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: or email me:

Saturday, 3 February 2018

The First Five Days....


Barmy Albert was languishing in The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife pub quaffing a pint of Farqharharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer, when this bloke asked him how many beers he drank per week. Albert thought for a minute and replied: “Well, I always have about five pints on a Friday, then probably another five on Saturday, then on Sunday, me and Non-Stick Nora go out and have a bottle of wine each, then I might have a couple of beers on Tuesday, when we play darts, then maybe four pints on Thursday, when it’s snooker night.” This bloke replied: “And how many years have you been drinking?” Albert pondered for a moment and sez: “About forty years!” This fella curtly informed Albert: “Did you know that if you had put all the money that you wasted on booze over forty years in a high interest bank account, then by now, you would have been able to afford your own Bentley Turbo Continental car and your own private jet airplane!” Albert asked him if he was a drinker and the bloke replied: “No, I am not!.” Albert sez: “Then where’s you private jet and your Bentley Turbo then?”

I put a clean pair of socks on every single day and by the time Thursday comes around I can't get me boots on.

Things to look forward to during the bleak midwinter: 2018 Winter Olympics. 102 different ways of sliding...

The missus just phoned me in a state of near panic. "I'm at the Trafford Centre and I can't remember where I've parked the car!" she opined. I sez to her: "Calm down and just look around until you see a group of blokes shaking their heads and tut-tutting...."

Statistics prove that one in every three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two...


Just opened the mail and to my abject horror I’ve found out that I failed my German exam.  Sacre bleu!


The sweater I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one, free of charge. I got it from Marks & Sparks.

Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious. - P. G. Wodehouse

Never put all your eggs in one basket? Yeah right! Nice try, basket manufacturers...


Hey, listen up! I am perfectly okay in this nice white jacket that lets me hug myself. Although some days, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps! You’d be daft not to visit my website though. Just clickety-click on: and strike the pose! Email me on . Now, get back to work! The monsoon is a-comin’!!


Thursday, 1 February 2018

Are You A REAL Man?

1. OPENING JARS – She’s struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn’t. Jars are men’s

2. CALLING SOMEONE ‘SON’ – Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE – Beckham is camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE – Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don’t need a sharpener, I’ve got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP – A manly act which combines driving, lifting and as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish
noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP – Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards
the door, saying, "Let’s go" and striding out while everyone else struggles
to catch up with you. You’re hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD – in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR – Ideally it’ll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did that hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE – When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your
hardness,sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like?

10. NODDING AT COPS – A moment’s eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We’ve not seen eye to eye in the past",it says,
"but someone’s got to keep the little scr0tes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS – Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while drinkin beer? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR – Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE – And everyone cheers you. It doesn’t mean you’re popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub
doesn’t know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT – Fat is a feminist issue,apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST – And saying "are you a leg or br€ast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are
now your dad.

16. WINKING – Turns women to putty. Doesn’t it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS – Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
then, we’ll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT – Okay, so its for paying the Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only
thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE – Unlike women, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING – Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT – Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it’s over we can stand there insilence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the
other nurses a foaming jug of ale.Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU – Especially if you didn’t make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. when on a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

24. When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

25. A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat. fact.
I’ve learned a lot about women. I think I’ve learned exactly how the fall of man occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, "Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we’ll never age, we’ll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them." And Eve said, "Yeah… it’s just not enough is it?"


Sunday, 28 January 2018

The Dog Food Diet....


Yesterday, I was at my local supermarket buying a bag of dog food for the woofers. Whilst I was in the checkout queue, the woman behind me (she had a face like a pirates flag) asked me if I had a dog. What did she think I had – an armadillo? So, since I was off work and had little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the dog food diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, and that I’d lost two stones before I woke up in intensive care, with a matron and several doctors hovering over my prostrate form. I told her that it was basically a proper diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with doggy biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel peckish. The food is nutritionally complete so it does the business well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the shop was now enthralled with my tale.) Gobsmacked, she enquired if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned my system I told her definitely not, I merely stepped off the kerb to sniff a nearby lamp post and a car hit me. I thought the geezer behind her was going to have a coronary, he was chortling so much. I now cannot enter the local Co-op without supervision. Always exercise extreme caution when you ask a comedian any simple question at all. We have all the time in the world to dream up stoopid things to say.


Thought for Thursday: I reckon that whoever dreamed up the word Wednesday, must have had summat to do with the word February as well.


Not so long ago, on the petrol forecourt, I used to put 20p in the machine to put air in my tyres. Skip forward to today and I have just had to insert a £1 coin. Talk about inflation!


Last night, a bloke came off his motorbike right outside my house. There was a gaggle of folk meandering around him, so I went out and shouted, “Let me through!” This woman asked me, “Are you a doctor?” I replied, “No. He’s got my pizza!”


Apparently, if your girlfriend or wife ever says summat like: "If anything ever happens to me, then I want you to meet someone new." ‘Anything’ doesn't include getting stuck in traffic on the M67.

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

This bloke threatened to hit me with his guitar!! I said "Is that a fret?"...


Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the slings and arrows of outrageous misery. If we cannot laugh at our own shortcomings, then what can we laugh at? Well there’s this column for a start! Visit my website: You can email me too! Now, get back to work!