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Sunday, 18 December 2016



• Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas. Mark Nelson
• I like Jesus but he loves me, so it’s awkward. Tom Stade
• He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. ‘ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books. Tommy Cooper
• British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray. Jimmy Carr
•We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience schools. Austin Knight
• My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. Susan Murray
• Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me. Stewart Francis
• My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious. Fin Taylor
• I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’. Paddy Lennox
• For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy’s really improved. Sara Pascoe
• I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven. Stephen Grant
• I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Nick Helm
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. Tommy Cooper
• I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy. Rebecca Humphries
• The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live. Jonny Lennard
• If I discovered a new animal I’d call it a Quorn to mess with vegetarians. Jim Campbell
• A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought ‘That’s a turtle disaster’. Tommy Cooper
• I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust. Tim Vine
• Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski
• You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon. Sara Pascoe
• My dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. Mark Watson
• So I rang up British Telecom, I said ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’, he said ‘Not you again’. Tommy Cooper
• I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! Stewart Francis
• I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. Tommy Cooper
• My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart Masai Graham
• I met a painter who only paints using Japanese rice wine, but it was just saké for art’s sake. Phil Mann
• This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’ Tim Vine

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