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Monday, 27 June 2016

Cricket Wisdom.... er sorry ...Wisden

       

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.
When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.
There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game

Simple?


Saturday, 25 June 2016

I Can't Live Without EU....

                                             
 

Until last Thursday, I thought that ‘Brexit’ was what happened when a Rubenesque Barnsley lass sat on a cheap plastic garden chair! We have banished the EU. Chris Eubank will now be known as Chris Bank. Last Thursday, I went into our local Pound Shop and everything was £2! I was at the checkout at Tesco and the girl asked me if I wanted my bags packing!

Looks like I’m being repatriated folks! Yes, unfortunately, this is the time of year when I am away for many weeks, so this column will return in the autumn. Parting is such sweet sorrow innit. Have a wonderful summer!


                                     

The missus wants a divorce. She's not happy that I have a fetish about groping different types of pasta and she has left me. I must admit that I’m feeling cannelloni at the moment....



I knew last week that she wasn’t happy with me. I staggered home bladdered last Tuesday night, and the missus was so annoyed, not only had she changed the locks on the front door, she'd changed the street name as well! In the doghouse again!
                                   


Whilst on the subject of dogs and houses, there were two dogs talking, in a house and one sez: “Do you wanna hear a good joke?” The other dog replied: “Yes, I’m bored. Cheer me up.” The first dog went: “Knock-Knock.” Then both dogs went flamin’ mental!

                                   

Angel Merkel was attending an economic summit in Athens. At the airport, the passport control officer sez to her: “Nationality?” She replied: “German.” He asked her:”Occupation?” She replied: “No, I’m only here for two days....”



The phone went yesterday; they’ll nick anything round here! Anyway, I digress. When I answered it, this voice proclaimed:"Hello, is that Mr Knight?” I sez: “Yes.” The voice declared: “This is The Official Receivers Office." I replied: "Are you winding me up?”

I get strange phone calls on a constant basis. On Monday, it was BT. The woman curtly informed yours truly, that if I didn’t pay the bill within the next 7 days, there were to disconnect the phone. I told her straight! I sez: “You’re bill is in a queue...” Mind you, British Gas told me that I had the BEST gas bill on my street. They told me that it was outstanding!


                           


Thought for Thursday: Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are usually two.

                       


I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back even further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped! All this occurred primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are too. But no, not me. Yes sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! See you in the autumn folks!

                                 

Friday, 24 June 2016

I'm Not Feeling Myself....

      


Me back legs have gone, folks! I’ve contracted the most appalling malady. I’m giving it the moniker of A.A.A.A.A Syndrome – Age Activated Attention Arrears Ataxia. This is how it manifests itself: I decide to mow the lawn. As I lurch towards the front door, I notice that there are letters that have been just delivered by the postie. I go through the mail before I start to cut the grass. The lawnmower is in the garage. I lay the garage keys down on the hall table, put the junk mail in the waste bin under the table, and notice it is full. So, I decide to put the letters back on the table and take out the rubbish first. Get yer priorities in order, innit!


However, then I think, since I’m going to be near the garage when I take out the garbage, I may as well get the lawnmower out of the garage in readiness. I take the garage keys off the table, and notice that they are actually my car keys. Seeing the car keys reminds me that it needs taxing. Moreover, the garage key is on a hook in the utility room, so I go upstairs to my study and on my desk, I find an unopened bottle of lager Artois that I was going to drink last night. I’m going to look for my iPad, because I need to tax my car. But first I need to push the beer bottle aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the beer is warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to maintain the temperature of the ale, because warm lager is horrible.

As I meander toward the kitchenette with the ale, a wilting potted plant on the dining room table attracts my attention – it needs to be watered. I plonk the bottle down on the worktop, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I reckon that I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the arid aspidistra. I set the spectacles back down on the worktop and endeavour to fill a jug with water, when I spot the Sky TV remote control nestling by the bread crock.

My daughter Nellie must have left it in the scullery. I realise that later on we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will even consider that it’s in the kitchen, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I’ll water the plant. I splash some water on the aspidistra, but most of it spills on the mahogany table. So, I set the TV remote back down, get some paper towel and wipe up the spillage. Then I head off down the front path, trying to remember what I was planning to do.



At the end of the day: the car isn’t taxed, the lawn un-mowed, there is a warm bottle of lager sitting on the dining room table, the aspidistra’s well dead, I can’t find the TV remote, my reading specs are on the missing list. I cannot recollect what I’ve done with the car keys. I try to figure out why nowt has got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really knackered. I realise this is a serious problem, but I must remember to put the wheelie bin out tonight, because it’s Wednesday… or is it Thursday today?

                           

Monday, 20 June 2016

Gardening Rules Apply....


         

Last Tuesday, I got the bus into Stalybridge. As I sat down next to this bloke on the bus he gave me a really weird stare. That's flamin’ typical, I thought. The bus is totally empty and yet I still end up sitting next to a deranged maniac!

                             


I fondly recollect the very first time my dad took me in the local pub and asked me what I wanted to drink. "A diet coke, please" I said. “you’re not having a girls drink while you are out with me!" He shouted. "Okay, I'll have whatever you’re having". I replied. "Right”, he sez, "two normal cokes, please".....


                           



Money isn’t everything. It can buy a house, but not a home. It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy you a position, but not respect. It can buy you a bed, but not sleep. It can buy you a book, but not knowledge. It can buy you medicine, but not health. It can buy you blood, but not life. So you see money isn’t everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. So send me all your money and I’ll do your suffering for you!

                       


The wife’s opinions may have changed, but not the fact that she's always right....


                                         

A Professor was travelling by boat. On his way he asked a sailor: “Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography or Physiology? The sailor replied “No” to all his questions.

The professor went on: “You are absolutely illiterate. You will die of illiteracy”.

After a while the boat started sinking. The sailor asked the professor: “Do you know Swiminology, Escapology from Sharkology? The professor said “No, I don’t!”

The sailor curtly informed him: “Well, Sharkology and Crocodilogy will eat your Assology, Headology and you will Dieology because of your Ignoramusology." Sort of puts stuff into perspective, doesn’t it!

                          


Thought for Thursday: Never give yourself a haircut after quaffing four gin & tonics...

                                  


Summer Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground really easily, the odds are that it is a valuable plant. Just because you have green fingers doesn’t mean you’re a good gardener. You could be a lousy painter.


                      

It does my head in when some people say "I'm a vegetarian, except for fish". Oh Yeah! Well, I'm a teetotaller, except for beer....


                                  

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!



                     


Monday, 13 June 2016

Brexit or Innit?

                                     
  
With his team selection and particularly his substitutions, it would appear as though Roy Hodgson has already voted to take England out of Europe!

I entered what I had scoffed today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house...

Bored and want to alleviate the monotony of a dull day? Then just saunter into the opticians on the High St, wander up to the counter, whilst squinting your eyes and looking up at the price list. When they ask if they can help you, just say "Big Mac and fries please!"

                             
During my annual medical check-up, the doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 8 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a squirrel. I climbed several rocky hills, then I urinated behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers." Inspired by the story, the doctor sez, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" "No," I replied "I'm just a rubbish golfer".


Invited my mate Dave home for tea. The missus appeared all dishevelled and screamed "The house is a mess, I've not done me hair or me make-up, not done the dishes from yesterday and I've not even thought of what we're 'avin fer dinner and what the 'ell have ya brought him home for?" I sez, "Coz he's thinkin' of gettin' married."


Watching Sunday Brunch, I was astounded. The greatest threat to the survival of the African elephant is poaching. How the hell do they get them in the saucepan?

                                 
I had a lovely walk round the reservoirs with the missus over the weekend. We spotted a young bloke passionately embracing and kissing his girlfriend. The wife sez: "Why don't you do that?” I replied, "Don't be silly. I don't even know the girl."

So some genius within the government has thought of bringing in £100 fine for bad driving.
Now how sexist is that? Vote OUT! It’s the only way folks!

My Mum always used to say to me, "Always go for ugly women, that way you know they'll always be faithful." Clearly she's never watched the Jeremy Kyle show.


When you were a little kid remember how difficult it was just to get a Kit-Kat? Well high up on the kitchen worktop, unless your mum was really fastidious, then they'd be right on the very top shelf of the kitchenette cabinet, miles out of reach. Absolutely nowhere on the wrapper of a Kit-Kat does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where are the Domestos bleach and the Mr Muscle? Ground level, under the sink, right next to the rest of all the toxins.


If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com       

                                                     
                                                         

Monday, 6 June 2016

When I was a kid.....

                           


When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were, when they were growing up. What with walking ten miles to school every morning. Uphill and barefoot... BOTH ways. Yawn! How could it be uphill both ways?



And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way that I was going to go on and on to my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!



But now that I'm over the ripe old age of 55, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. They’ve got it so easy!



We didn't have Google. If we wanted to know summat, we had to go to the local library and look it up ourselves, in the index card box!



There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the post box and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 5 pence apiece!



Social Services didn't give a rat’s hoo-haa if our parents gave us an 'ear warmer'. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to wallop us. Nowhere was safe!



There were none of them there iPods, iPhones, iTunes gubbins if you wanted to steal music, you had to schlep down to the record shop and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and that Tony Blackburn would usually talk over the beginning and ruin it with one of his bobbins jokes! There were no CD players or iPods! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favourite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would unravel. Because - that's how we rolled. Geddit?





We didn't have any state-of-the-art Sony Playstation or X-Box 360 video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Commodore 64! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like life itself!



You had to use a little magazine called a TV Times to find out what was on! No channel surfing! What with TWO flamin' channels! You had to get off your derriere and walk over to the telly to change the channel! It was BBC or ITV. AND NO REMOTE CONTROL!!



There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Moreover, we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat summat up we had to use the stove. Imagine that? NO DINGBOX!





End of rant!



                 

     
                         

Friday, 3 June 2016

The Little Green Snake...

    





GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Green Tree Snakes (Dendrolaphis punctulata) can be dangerous. Yes, tree snakes or grass snakes, not brown snakes or taipans. Here's why…

                     


A couple in Townsville, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold winter (for Townsville that is!), the wife was bringing some of the valued tender ones indoors to protect them from the cold night. It turned out that a little green tree snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the settee.


He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The paramedics rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

Just then, the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the paramedics saw it. He dropped his end of the stretcher.


That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the settee.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the lounge in relief.



But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around she screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbour, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at Asda, saw her husband's apparently kissing the woman on the mouth. She slammed her husband in the back of the head with her bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.



The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.



By now, the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.


They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little green snake again crawled out from under the furniture and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.


He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the curtains.



The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out of the yard and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning curtains and called in the fire brigade. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power,


and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! The snake was caught and both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later, the couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their potted plants for the night.


And that's when he shot her....