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Monday, 25 January 2016

Dry January?


Yesterday, I was wondering exactly what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable. I asked my twenty brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer to this riddle.


Last night, I'd just laid two intricate place settings at the dining room table, using the finest cutlery and crockery, when suddenly the missus walks in and sez, "Ooooh, this a surprise!" I looked at her and replied, "Too flamin' right it is. I didn't expect you back until tomorrow!"

I sez to the missus, "Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of Premier League football?" "It's bobbins," she replied. "Total rubbish" More than likely," I sez, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...."

Whilst visiting my daughter last night, I asked her if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century, Dad" she said, "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it!

My elderly neighbour, Barmy Albert knocked on my door. "Can you open a jar of Branston for me?" he asked. "Of course," I replied. "Superb!" he said, barging in. "Have you got any Cheddar and crackers as well."

A Roman soldier walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and sez: "Five beers, please."

According to the most current magazine in my dentist's waiting room, every home will have a television by 1962.

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

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