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Thursday, 23 April 2015

Cheap Flights....

         


I am so embarrassed! I admit that I was absolutely bladdered on a Ryanair plane last week and the police hauled me off and threw me in the cells. Then all the other passengers demanded an upgrade! These cheapo flights are a nightmare, so they are. I was on one last month and we flew alongside an Emirates plane, so we could watch their movie!

Whilst sauntering down the street with my daughter Suzie, we passed some waneylap fencing and she said, "What are those holes Dad?" I told her that they were knot holes. "Well" she asked "If they're not, then what are they?" Fascinating!

The barmaid in Wetherspoons asked me if I had been to see the dentist. I sez, "Yeah, how did you know?" She replied, "It's that sticker on your shirt that says ' I Was Brave'......"

Ladies.Listen Up! The best solution if you're having a ‘bad hair day’ is to wear a low cut blouse or a short skirt, so it is.


A policeman stopped a suspicious looking geezer as he meandered out of Curry's Electrical last weekend. He said, "Before I perform a search, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?" He eplied, "No mate, just Sony and Panasonic."

The priest went up to a little girl on the Sunday service at the front of the church and sez, "That's a beautiful dress you have on, my dear." The little girl replied, "Mummy says it's a bastard to iron!"....

I was in the Co-op 'convenience' shop, when this miserable looking harridan was on the check-out. She possessed all the charisma of a bilious badger with blistered bunions. I came to pay, having only purchased a litre of milk, but having no change. "£1.07 please" "Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a twenty quid note. "Haven't you got anything smaller, 'coz it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.93?" she replied, whilst simultaneously gurning a saturnine grimace. "I've got Zimbabwean dollars, if that helps," I replied. She didn't get the joke, so I thought sod it, I'll pay by card. "Shall I pay by card?" I politely enquired, "Don't do me no favours, dude" she snapped. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in. "Cash back?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.93 please." If looks could kill, etc.....

I'm really dead chuffed with my vegetable patch. I honestly haven’t fancied a vegetable in weeks.


I was working in a club last night with a multi-tribute act. He did Buddy Holly, combined with The Big Bopper and also Richie Valens. I do hope that he got home safely...


Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. Summer is a-comin’! Spring has already sprung!

                 

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