Thursday, 27 November 2014
• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless
We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is CLUELESS,
And our Leaders are WORTHLESS !
I'm scared - Shitless *
Sunday, 23 November 2014
"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place ," said a smug Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?""
" Came First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the fuck is OSCAR PISTORIOUS?" asked Pinocchio....
Thursday, 20 November 2014
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realise that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS!
4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband, who came home early.
5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Stella Artois, Heineken, Carlsberg or Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I ain't verified these two on Google, but they sound kosher…
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from, and refuse to tell you where they're going. Moreover, a recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it....
Thursday, 13 November 2014
APHORISM: (“A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or a general truth”).
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humour you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - for example, it could be the right number.
13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print there's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realise that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Ford.
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter.
21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift.
And REMEMBER ....
"POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON"
Wednesday, 12 November 2014
A famous showbiz celebrity once told me that " It is very rude to ask a female her age." Wise words they were, from Stuart Hall.
My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed..
"It’s worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
Statistically… 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny’s mother says, "Let’s not be too harsh on them…. they are bound to be curious about se*x at that age."
"Curious about se*x?" replies Mary’s mother. "He’s taken her fu*cking appendix out!"
My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fuc*king red mark on her forehead
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don’t worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a co*ck like that."
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh*it."
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.
It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and se*xy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop masturbating. When I asked why, she said, "Because I’m trying to examine you!"