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Thursday, 30 October 2014

Sherlock Holmes....


           
Mrs Hudson, the housekeeper, placed the silver tray of tea and fancies on the mahogany table, then left the sitting room and quietly closed the door behind her.

Sherlock Holmes gazed at Dr Watson and said: "Watson!" The good doctor replied, "Yes, Holmes." The great detective continued, "You left Baker Street last night at exactly 8-16 pm. You proceeded to the Britannia Inn on Market Place, where you consumed several tankards of ale, had an argument with the landlord, who promptly threw you out, onto the cobbles. You then staggered to a house of ill repute, behind Market Place, where you made love to a voluptuous Latvian whore for the princely sum of one guinea."

Watson was astounded and replied, "Good Gracious, Holmes, you're absolutely right! How did you know?"

Holmes replied, "I was with you, you daft twat!"


                         

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Aeronautical Quiz...

Checking your aeronautical knowledge. Aircraft Quiz: This should be an easy quiz for those who have even a modicum of knowledge about aircraft.   However, the answer may surprise you . . ..




The Question:   "What is the primary advantage of rotary winged aircraft over fixed-winged aircraft?"




               


I must admit that I got it wrong as well!

Monday, 27 October 2014

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes....






              
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
said...

" FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"


                       

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

The Vagina....

  


A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to
The door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the
Lady "Do you have a vagina".
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man
And he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She
Slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
Happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving
And concerned voice "Honeybunch, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in
Case this geezer shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the
door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey darling, I'm going to
Hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to
Answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with
It". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fella is standing there and asks the same
Question.
Do you have vagina".......
"Yes" she says......
The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my
Wife's' alone and start using yours ?


                       

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

AND THEN IT'S WINTER....



     
Time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my soul mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams. But, here it is .. The winter of my life and it catches me by surprise .. How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

But, here it is .. my friends are retired and getting grey .. they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me .. but, I see the great change .. Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant .. but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be. Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore .. it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will .. I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so .. now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last .. this I know, that when it's over on this earth .. it’s over. A new adventure will begin!

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done .. things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.

So, if you're not in your winter yet .. let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life .. so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember .. and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!

"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.
LIVE IT WELL! ENJOY TODAY! DO SOMETHING FUN! BE HAPPY! HAVE A GREAT DAY!
Remember "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver "

LIVE HAPPY IN 2014! LASTLY, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING: TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE SO - ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

FURTHER THOUGHTS: 

• Your kids are becoming you .. but your grandchildren are perfect!
• Going out is good .. Coming home is better!
• You forget names .. But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
• You realise you're never going to be really good at anything .. Especially golf.
• The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
• You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".
• You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch
• You tend to use more 4 letter words .. "what?".."when?".. ???
• Now that you can afford expensive jewellery, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
• You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
• What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
• Everybody whispers.
• You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .. 2 of which you will never wear.
• But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!


It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.!!!

                 

Madame Scintilla's Secateurs...

     






A famous TV personality once told me that it is very rude to ask any female her age.
Great advice that was from Stuart Hall...

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."


Eighty five year old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home and announces "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can make love to me tonight" An elderly man shouts from the back of the room "A caravan !" Bessie thinks for a minute and says "Close enough!"


Three boys are bragging about their fathers. "My dad's an archer. He can shoot an arrow and reach the target before the arrow does" "Well, my dad's a soldier. He can fire his gun and be there before the bullet" "That's nothing" says the third boy. "My dad works for the local council. He finishes work at 5.00 and gets home at 3.45...."


A man walks into the street and hails a passing taxi. "Perfect timing" he tells the driver. "You're just like Frank" "Who ?" asks the cabbie. "Frank Fielding. He's a man who did everything right, all the time. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis and played golf with the pros. He sang like an opera tenor, and you should have seen him dance." "Sounds like quite a guy" says the driver "That's not the half of it. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, and was a gourmet cook. He could fix anything. Not like me. Change a fuse and the whole street is blacked out" "Wow, what a man" " He knew how to treat a woman. His clothing was always immaculate, his shoes polished. He was the perfect man. No-one could ever measure up to him" "Amazing. How did you meet him ?" "Oh, I never met Frank. I just married is f*cking widow"


I had a great business plan. I was going to build bungalows for dwarves. There was just one tiny flaw......


A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert...


A few years ago, following Saddam Hussein's execution, the headline read "Tyrant Is Hanged" My old auntie Agnes was reading the Daily Mirror, looked at me and asked " Who's going to host Who Wants To Be a Millionaire now, then ?"  I remember that as though it was yesterday.  But I can't for the life of me remember where I was last night....


I was deliberating over buying a new digital radio, and asked the young salesman the country of origin. "I'll have to look on the box. Just a moment: I'll check" he said, disappearing into the store room. He came back a few minutes later and announced "Built in Antenna, sir"


An elderly scotsman is celebrating 94th birthday. For a laugh, his friends send a six foot blond "masseuse" to his house. "Hi. I'm here to offer super sex" she tells him in a sultry voice. After a little thought he replies "I'll have the soup, please"


Joe bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery as a birthday gift. The next year, he bought her nothing. "Don't I deserve a present ?" she moaned. "You haven't used the one I bought you last year...."

Latest acronym doing the rounds of our IT help desk staff refers to a waste-of-time call out to a hapless user. Such an event is referred to as a PICNIC. ( `Problem In Chair, Not In Computer...)


Dave, a supermarket worker, is called away from his till. "Your girlfriend's gone in to labour early" a supervisor tells the worried young man. "A nurse left her direct number. Give her a ring and she'll tell you what's happening" Unfortunately, the manager has written the number down wrong and Dave gets through to the local cricket club instead. "How's everything going ?" he asks. "Oh, fine" says a cheery woman at the other end of the phone. "We've got eight out already !" "Eight !" wails Dave, who's already nervous enough about being a dad. "Yep," says the lady "And the last one was a duck..."


During a service, an evangelical preacher invites people in need on to the stage. "Brother" he says to the first respondent "What is your need ?" "I need help with my hearing" the man answers. The preacher sticks his finger in the man's ear and prays. "How's your hearing now?" he asks. "I don't know" says the man "It's not till next Tuesday..."


   



www.comedian.ws

Friday, 17 October 2014

This Could Make Your Day!



Look carefully in each picture for the cat as it makes its way down from the roof to the dog. Then, check the explanation at the end.






The story behind this picture is this:
Every day - at the same time - she waits for him. Sometimes she barks to call him. He comes; they rub and greet each other and they go for a walk. They have done this for 5 years and no, they don't belong to the same owners.

The owners didn't know, until neighbours, seeing them together so frequently, commented to the cat's owner, who then followed the dog home and discovered it was a distance away, not in a house close by or next door.

How it started no one knows. Wouldn't it be great to have friends like this? Always there, no words needed, they just intuitively recognise the value of each other in their lives and act accordingly.

Live, Laugh, Love … Life is not the way it's supposed to be.
It's the way it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference.


A wise person once said ...There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad and focus on the good.  So love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.

Balanced Journalism?


                                             

A British Harley biker on holiday is visiting the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lions' cage. Suddenly, a lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank
him endlessly.

A reporter, also on holiday from the UK has watched the whole event. The reporter, addressing the Harley rider, says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and did the right thing.”

The reporter says, “Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies, “I'm an SAS soldier just returned from Afghanistan and a UKIP supporter.”

The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:


SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up most of the media's approach to the news these days.


                                         

A young man graduated from University of Sheffield with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper which hired him was to write a human interest story.

Being from Sheffield, he went back to the Pennines to do his research. He went to an old farmer’s house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.

He asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yup! One time one of me neighbour’s sheep got lost. We formed a search party and found it. We all back-scuttled it and took it back home."

"I can’t print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?" After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time me neighbour’s daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big search party that time and found her. After we all back-scuttled her, we took her back home too."

Again, the young man said "I can’t print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head, looked up timidly and said, "I got lost once…"


                       





Friday, 10 October 2014

The Will...

                       



Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.


His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.


He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:


"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."


"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City
Centre."


"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."



The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realise his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property". Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the arsehole had a paper round!"


Thursday, 9 October 2014

I Reckon I Got It Sorted....


                   

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.



FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"



Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.



The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.



Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."



I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled 'WHAT?'"



I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"



Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.


                           


Tuesday, 7 October 2014

The Good Answers....

                   



STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
I would have given him 100% for his wit!!!


Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
*The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?*
No problem, he sleeps at night. 
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?*
You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?*
Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?*
Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Sunday, 5 October 2014

Peppa Pig Jigsaw For Sale....



               


Suzie, Suzie sitting in the shoe-shine shop. All day long she sits and shines. All day long, she shines and sits....

Old Mother Hunt had a low cut front, in the front of her country hunting farm.


While I was walking the dogs, I discovered a suitcase in the woods containing four fox cubs. I phoned the RSPCA and the woman there asked me: "Are they moving?" I sez, "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase..."


I've been on one of those 'cheap flights '. We flew alongside an Emirates plane, so we could watch their movie...


I just joined Liars Anonymous last night. Would you believe that they've already made me honorary president this morning....


I hate those Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves...


A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Malcolm, we won't be long . Easy,boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, Malcolm, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.
Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the
trolley, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "Malcolm, Malcolm, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool Malcolm." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Malcolm is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm Malcolm ... the little bastards name is Derek."



Saturday, 4 October 2014

The Glasgow Brothel....

             


The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late
forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000
a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds
and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man
calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row,
as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still
£5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was
astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid
Valerie and they went upstairs..

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been
with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I
was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain...

1)Death.

2) Taxes.

3) Being screwed by a lawyer....

                                       


Thursday, 2 October 2014

Genuine Messenger Thread That Took Place Last Sunday...

Hello
Good morning
What's good about it?
Am doing pretty good
what about you??
Bobbins
Cool
Am so happy Austin
Hope you got the good news like i did?
My dog died and my eyelashes hurt. The doctor reckons I have Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis But it's difficult to say at the moment
Oh
Wots da good news then sista?
I got money from federal government free help grant $200,000 in cash.did you get yours?
Yes I already had it. But I spent most of it on beer and prostitutes. I squandered the rest.
My friend that got the money told me and give me the lawyer facebook link to apply from which i did and the money was delivered to me..
I am mentally retarded. Will this matter ?
No
The federal govt started the new program to help people out
Oh well I'm all for it then. You nice girl I luv u long long time
What if I am a mong?
The lawyer is online on facebook now talking to peoples and giving them the form to collect the money in cash. do you have the lawyer facebook link or email address or the text phone number
It's 096367. ;5773367235
No
The lawyer facebook link is https://www.facebook.com/lewisc.edelstein.5
email........ lawyerlewisedelstein@gmail.com
text phone number is ........495-759-8628

That is the lawyer facebook link, click on it and send him a friend request and tell him a friend that got the grant told you about the program and you are ready to apply
Is he the lawyer that got Stevie Wonder a driving licence?
No,he id the federal government lawyer in charge of the program
Just send him a friend request so he can talk with you
Is he a rampant homosexual?
I don't know much about his background
Is he a stooper or a stabber?
Don't know
My friend that got the money give me the lawyer facebook link alone and i apply and got the money
Can you find out please because I don't mind giving it. But I don't like my vice versa if you see what I mean Nudge nudge. Wink wink!!
Don't worry,the lawyer is a very nice man and honest he will help you
i assure you
just click on the link i send to you and send him a friend request
If I click on it will I get compensation or an electric shock?
“Hey, make time today to apply for this. It’s not advertised publicly. I got the info from my friend, so I am sure you will get the grant. It’s what you need..After you are assured that you completed everything properly and your chances to get the grant are high
The more I see, the more I like it Katie. BTW. What are you wearing ?
thanks
what do you still think about me ?
I have an ingrowing cock and I'm gradually shagging myself to death
Do you want to marry me??
Can't get away to marry you today. My wife won't let me.
I call her Narnia. She has hair like a lion Looks like a witch. And is the size of a wardrobe....
What do you want me to do now Austin??
Show it to me on webcam while I have a cuff link cantata xx
Sunday 5:14pm
Hello
How are you
Did you talk with the lawyer??
He has appraised my situation and firmly believes that I must have serious mental health issues and that I require psychiatric counselling because I am Radio Rental
Chat Conversation End