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Monday, 22 September 2014


We had a power cut at our house yesterday morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and new state-of-the-art surround sound music system were all rendered inoperable. Nintendo Wii was also out of commission. Then I discovered that my iPhone was out of action, because the battery was flat. To put the top hat on it all, and compound an already unfortunate farrago, it was raining torrentially outside, so I couldn't go and play golf. In a state of manic depression, I meandered into the kitchenette to crank up the caftiere and percolate some fresh coffee. Of course, it then dawned on me that this also required electricity, so I sat and talked with the missus for a few hours. She seems like a really nice person.

The wife and I spoke at great length for over two hours. I was truly enlightened! She informed me: "You always blame someone else when things go wrong." I replied, "And whose fault is that?"

Now that she had my undivided attention, she announced: “Have you not even noticed that all the sparkle, excitement and even the sex has gone out of our marriage?” I replied, “Can’t we discuss this at half- time?” I'll never understand women. First they declare that, “Size doesn't matter”. Then the next minute, they're asking, “Does my bum look big in this?”

Mind you, statistics prove that one in every three women can be just as difficult and argumentative as the other two. Of course, correlation doesn't imply causation, but it does waggle its eyebrows suggestively and gesture furtively while mouthing, “Have a shufty at that over there!” Fascinating!

At 12-30pm, when the power eventually came back on, I watched an amazing television programme which is called ‘Loose Women.’ What a fascinating experience this really was. The format for this show is as follows: A group of middle-aged, wealthy women, who have landed their own daily TV show, tell us, the viewers, how hard and unfair life is. Looks like they are on to a winner. Trebles all round!

What was going on last week? All that detritus swirling in from the Sahara Desert and landing on Tameside! Talk about sand. I looked out of my window and there was a cactus and a camel on the roof of my car! The camel had three humps. I’m going to keep him in the garden and call him Humphrey.

They usually have three cashiers on duty at my bank, except when they're really busy. Then they have one. Yesterday, while queuing, I bumped into Barmy Albert, my next-door neighbour. He informed me that he was going out on a date with Non-Stick Nora that very night. He asked, "What do you think I should wear?" I replied, "A blindfold."

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer fa├žade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!







     


Friday, 19 September 2014

Scottish Referendum!






The best way to keep Scotland in Britain is to change the referendum question into 'IS IT YOUR ROUND?' They reckon the Scottish Referendum is tight. It's not often you hear the words Scottish and tight in the same sentence!

An Airline introduced a special package for Business men. Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free. After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip. All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"

Last night my wife sent me a text, saying she was in Casualty. When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it, never saw her once, the lying sod. She still hasn't come home yet and I'm starving.

The wife and I decided to take an organized trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.
It didn't start well when the train we were traveling on broke down just a couple of miles north of the capital.
What a third world shit hole!  Streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us & the Mrs stood out in her sundress as all other women wore head-to-toe burkas. We are so dead I thought. Anyway, Dave the organizer suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to Paddington and then on to Kabul from Heathrow!! 

A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction. "£85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.  "£85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"  "That's the normal charge," said the dentist. 
"Wit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"  "That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off.."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anaesthetic?"  "I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40"

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction, with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"  It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist.  "I'll charge you £5, but it's going to be very traumatic."  "Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman."   "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"







Oasis of the Seas - The biggest cruise liner in the world!

                             I have just returned from this magnificent vessel, cruisin' da  Med.
http://www.royalcaribbean.co.uk/our-ships/oasis-class/oasis-of-the-seas/

The Magic Bank Account!

           



THE AUTHOR IS NOT KNOWN. IT WAS FOUND IN THE BILLFOLD OF COACH PAUL BEAR BRYANT, ALABAMA, AFTER HE DIED IN 1982


Imagine that you had won the following *PRIZE* in a contest: Each morning your bank would deposit £86,400 in your private account for your use. However, this prize has rules:


The set of rules:


1. Everything that you didn't spend during each day would be taken away from you.


2. You may not simply transfer money into some other account.


3. You may only spend it.


4. Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400 for that day.


5. The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say,“Game Over!". It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.



What would you personally do?


You would buy anything and everything you wanted right? Not only for yourself, but for all the people you love and care for. Even for people you don't know, because you couldn't possibly spend it all on yourself, right?



You would try to spend every penny, and use it all, because you knew it would be replenished in the morning, right?

ACTUALLY, This GAME is REAL ...

Shocked ??? YES!


Each of us is already a winner of this *PRIZE*. We just can't seem to see it.

The PRIZE is *TIME*

1. Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life.


2. And when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is Not credited to us.


3. What we haven't used up that day is forever lost.


4. Yesterday is forever gone.


5. Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time WITHOUT WARNING...


SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?


Those seconds are worth so much more than the same amount in dollars. Think about it and remember to enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think.


So take care of yourself, be happy, love deeply and enjoy life!


Here's wishing you a wonderful and beautiful day. Start “spending”....



"DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT GROWING OLD…"


SOME PEOPLE DON'T GET THE PRIVILEGE!'



               


Thursday, 4 September 2014

The Rant...

                   

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were, when they were growing up.What with walking ten miles to school every morning. Uphill and barefoot... BOTH ways. Yawn! How could it be uphill both ways?

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of 50, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a land of milk and honey! And I hate to say it, but you young 'uns today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the interweb. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the bleedin' local library and look it up ourselves, in the index card box!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the post box and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 5 pence apeice!

Social Services didn't give a rats hoo-haa if our parents gave us an 'ear warmer'. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick the shit out of us! Nowhere was safe!

There were none of them there iPods, iPhones, iTunes gubbins If you wanted to steal music, you had to schlep down to the record shop and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and that Tony Blackburn would usually talk over the beginning and ruin it with one of his bobbins jokes! There were no CD players or iPods! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would unravel. Because - that's how we rolled. Geddit?

We didn't have fancy technology like call waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got an engaged tone and that was that!

And we didn't have the luxury of Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a bailiff, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, dude! That's if you had a phone! WE had to use semaphore!

We didn't have any state-of-the-art Sony Playstation or X-Box 360 video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little magazine called a TV Times to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! What with TWO flamin' channels! You had to get off your arse and walk over to the TV to change the channel! It was BBC or ITV. AND NO REMOTE CONTROL!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you SPOILT LITTLE RAT BASTARDS!!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat summat up we had to use the stove! Imagine that! NO DINGBOX!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You little arseholes wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or before!

End of rant!

                       

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

Golf Jokes....





A sycophantic reporter approached Tiger Woods and gushed, "You are totally magnificent and spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really do know your way around the course. What exactly is your secret?" Tiger Woods looked at him in disdain and replied, "The holes are all numbered"



A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par 3

the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "An 8 iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8 iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father,

but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."


Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody

5 iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective! Asks,

"Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club,

and puts her, hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times..... just put me down for a five."


A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing

and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and

saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit

through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty

swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the

forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven,

St. Peter saw him coming and asked,

"Are you a good golfer"?

To which the man replied:

"Got here in two, didn't I?"



Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer.

They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a Full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation."

He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.

Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.

On Friday's drive home, Dave said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?"

Pat burst into tears. "I can't!" "What? Why not?" asked Dave. "Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!" "What?!"

Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me." "You bastard!" Dave screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating bastard! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"