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Friday, 25 April 2014

I'm Not Feeling Myself...


I am not feeling myself. My back legs have gone. I've contracted the most appalling malady. I'm giving it the moniker of A.A.A.A.A Syndrome – Age Activated Attention Arrears Ataxia. This is how it manifests itself: I decide to mow the lawn. As I lurch towards the front door, I notice that there are letters that have been just delivered by the postie. I go through the mail before I start to cut the grass. The lawnmower is in the garage. I lay the garage keys down on the hall table, put the junk mail in the waste bin under the table, and notice it is full. So, I decide to put the letters back on the table and take out the rubbish first. Get yer priorities in order!

However, then I think, since I’m going to be near the garage when I take out the waste, I may as well get the lawnmower out of the garage in readiness. I take the garage keys off the table, and notice that they are actually my car keys. Seeing the car keys reminds me that it needs taxing. Moreover, the garage key is on a hook in the utility room, so I go upstairs to my study and on my desk, I find an unopened bottle of Stella Artois that I was going to drink last night. I’m going to look for my cheque book, because I need to tax my car. But first I need to push the beer bottle aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the beer is warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to maintain the temperature of the ale, because warm lager is horrible.

As I meander toward the kitchen with the beer, a wilting potted plant on the dining room table attracts my attention – it needs to be watered. I plonk the bottle down on the kitchen worktop, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I reckon that I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the arid aspidistra. I set the spectacles back down on the worktop and endevour to fill a jug with water, when I spot the TV remote control nestling by the bread crock.

My daughter Nellie must have left it in the kitchen. I realise that later on, when we go to watch the telly, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will even consider that it’s in the kitchen, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I’ll water the plant. I splash some water on the aspidistra, but most of it spills on the mahogany table. So, I set the TV remote back down on the worktop, get some paper towel and wipe up the spill. Then I head off down the front path, trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn’t taxed, the lawn un-mowed, there is a warm bottle of lager sitting on the dining room table, the Aspidistra’s well dead, I can’t find the TV remote, my reading specs are on the missing list. I cannot recollect what the foxtrot-uniform-charlie-kilo I've done with the car keys. I try to figure out why bugger all has got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really knackered. I realise this is a serious problem, but I must remember to put the wheelie bin out tonight, because it’s Wednesday… or is it Thursday today?


If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the hilarious comic Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com


       

Thursday, 24 April 2014

Well, fancy that!


"The Budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed, lest Rome will become bankrupt. People must again learn to work instead of living on public assistance." - Cicero, 55 BC

So, evidently we've learned bugger all over the past 2,069 years!


     

The New Clitaurus...

The New 2014 Ford

 Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

Saturday, 19 April 2014

Adieu.



Adieu. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Next week, I begin the cruising element of my curriculum. This year, I shall be entertaining passengers on Royal Caribbean ships and visiting copious exotic destinations in both the Mediterranean and the Caribbean. This column will return in the autumn for more fun and frolics. Until then, have a great summer, get the barbeque cranked up, because the sun will be crackin’ the flags!

I woke up on Good Friday morning feeling all peaceful and calm, so I Googled my symptoms and was convinced that I might be dead! You know you’re getting old when you see a bunch of kids playing doctors and nurses, and then you realise that you’re in the intensive care ward at Tameside General Hospital. The consultant informed me that I had, “Something very rare.” When I asked him exactly what that was, he replied, “A bed!” I was told to report to reception and contact 'Mrs. A.'  Imagine my surprise when I contracted MRSA!

Exercises for the over 50’s: Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level now.) After you feel confident at that level, then put a potato in each bag.

Two Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on Non-Stick Nora’s door and she was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear what they had to say and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result. The door rebounded back open. Convinced these young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: “Madam, before you do that again you really need to move your cat.”

Last week, I visited the Patent office, to register a new invention that I had dreamed up. I told the clerk, "I've invented a folding bottle, I call it a ‘Fottle’ can I register it?" The clerk replied, "That's a rubbish concept, it'll never work" I carried on, informing him, "Well I've invented a folding kettle, I call it a “Fettle’ is that any good?" "Nope! It's been done already, pal." He curtly informed me. I didn't even bother to tell him about my folding bucket...

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. Spring has sprung! Summer is a-comin’! See ya in da fall folks! Noe, assume a comical position, then strike da pose dude!  You know it's the right thing to do....


 



Saturday, 12 April 2014

Celebrity Mansions....

JOHN TRAVOLTA

JAY-LO & MARC ANTHONY
SYLVESTER STALLONE
BRAD PITT

OPRAH
EDDIE MURPHY.

Arnold & Maria Schwarzenegger 

OSCAR PISTORIUS


The Naked Golfer...



One morning, three ladies are golfing on the fifth green when suddenly, this bloke runs by wearing nothing but a balaclava over his head. As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, “Well, he’s certainly not my husband.” As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, “He’s not my husband either.” He then passes by the third woman, Non-Stick Nora, who also looks down as he runs by her. “Hang about” Nora exclaims. "He’s not even a member of this golf club".



They usually have three cashiers on duty at my bank, except when they're really busy. Then they have just one. Yesterday, while queuing, I bumped into Barmy Albert, my next-door neighbour. He informed me that he was going out on a date with Non-Stick Nora that very night. He asked me: "What do you think I should wear?" I replied, "A blindfold." For those readers who are unfamiliar with Nora, she looks like she’s been bobbing for apples in a deep fat fryer.



The missus (Or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I jokingly refer to her), asked me last night if I thought she was wearing a touch too much make-up. I said it depended on whether she was going out with the intention of killing Batman or not. The reverberations of that statement still echo around my lug holes!



I’ve trained my dog Alfie, how to fetch a me a can of beer. Now, dear reader, this may not sound all that impressive to you, but he gets them from my neighbour's fridge!



Fascinating Fact: I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"



A Psychologist walked around a room while teaching Stress Management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the "Half empty or Half full" question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: "How heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out ranged from eight to twenty fluid ounces. She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralysed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes. She continued, "The stresses and worries in life, are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralysed and incapable of doing anything." In life, always remember to put that glass down!



If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com




Saturday, 5 April 2014

Ladies Day @ The Grand National, Aintree Racecourse...



The Power Outage....



We had a power cut at our house yesterday morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and new state-of-the-art surround sound music system were all rendered inoperable. Nintendo Wii was also out of commission. Then I discovered that my iPhone was out of action, because the battery was flat. To put the top hat on it all, and compound an already unfortunate farrago, it was raining torrentially outside, so I couldn't go and play golf. In a state of manic depression, I meandered into the kitchenette to crank up the caftiere and percolate some fresh coffee. Of course, it then dawned on me that this also required electricity, so I sat and talked with the missus for a few hours. She seems like a really nice person.

The wife and I spoke at great length for over two hours. I was truly enlightened! She informed me: "You always blame someone else when things go wrong." I replied, "And whose fault is that?"

Now that she had my undivided attention, she announced: “Have you not even noticed that all the sparkle, excitement and even the sex has gone out of our marriage?” I replied, “Can’t we discuss this at half- time?” I'll never understand women. First they declare that, “Size doesn't matter”. Then the next minute, they're asking, “Does my bum look big in this?” Women are a mass of contradictions.

Mind you, statistics prove that one in every three women can be just as difficult and argumentative as the other two. Of course, correlation doesn't imply causation, but it does point the finger of scorn, wiggle its eyebrows suggestively and gesture furtively while miming, “Have a shufty at that over there!” Strange, but true!

At exactly 12-30 pm, when the power eventually came back on, I watched an amazing television programme which is called ‘Loose Women.’ What an informative experience this really was. The format for this show is as follows: A group of middle-aged, wealthy women, who have landed their own daily TV show, tell us, the viewers, how hard and unfair life is. Looks like they are on to a winner. Trebles all round!

What was going on last week? All that detritus swirling in from the Sahara Desert and landing on Tameside! Talk about sand. I looked out of my window and there was a cactus and a camel on the roof of my car! The camel had three humps. I’m going to keep him in the garden and call him Humphrey. I was doing so well on this paragraph, then I couldn't help but descend into infantile humour!

They usually have three cashiers on duty at my bank, except when they're really busy. Then they have one. Yesterday, while queuing, I bumped into Barmy Albert, my next-door neighbour. He informed me that he was going out on a date with Non-Stick Nora that very night. He asked, "What do you think I should wear?" I replied, "A blindfold."  For those readers who don’t know Nora, she looks like she’s been bobbing for apples in a deep fat fryer.

I know this really nice couple who are vegans.They asked me if I knew the difference between a lentil and a chickpea. I told them: "I wouldn't pay £50 to have a lentil on my face".

Breaking News: The two pieces of metal that satellites spotted in Indian Ocean, approximately 2700 miles off the west coast of Australia have now been identified as Rolf Harris's missing laptops...

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!