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Tuesday, 28 December 2010

2011 is a-comin'!!



Get ready for Happy New 2011! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas everyday. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year.


MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN 2011.
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at oncoming vehicles. See them all slow down.
2. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."
5. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
7. As often as possible, Skip rather than Walk.
8. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
9. Sing along at the opera.
10. Five days in advance, tell your friends that you can't attend their party because you're "not in the mood."
11. When the money comes out of the Cash Machine, scream, "I won! I won!"
12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
13. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."



"The reason people blame things on the previous generations is that there's
only one other choice." - Doug Larson.


Change is good, as long as I don't have to do anything differently. Visit my website www.Comedian.ws and do it differently!

Friday, 24 December 2010

New POPCORN Turkey Recipe!!




Here is a turkey recipe that includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing – imagine that!

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who are just never sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.

Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED TURKEY
1 giant size turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup pre made stuffing mix
1 cup uncooked popcorn
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn (mixed together).

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds.

When the turkey’s arse blows the oven door off and the chicken flies across the room, it is done

And you thought I couldn’t cook……..

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

A Christmas Story...


TWO FEET OF SNOW!!

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cursed at the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little twats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole effin' works!

I've busted my arse for damn near a year,
Instead of 'Thanks Santa'--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and back-scuttled all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those arseholes from the Tax Office sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's No Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!


Monday, 20 December 2010

Teacher giving kids lessons in colour & shape recognition etc -




The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled,

'Oh my God! They're arse-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room...

Sunday, 19 December 2010

Look at the tits on this...

NEW TURKEY RECIPE...

NEW TURKEY RECIPE

Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!!
You should try this!
Sure to bring smiles from your guests!
Here is a new way to prepare your Christmas Turkey.

1. Cut out aluminium foil in desired shapes.

2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. (see attached picture for details)

3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.

4. Watch your guests' faces...






May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your sprouts be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Christmas dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Christmas

Saturday, 18 December 2010

Happy Winterval...





Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December is where we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon!


I got the missus some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so she'd know when to stop unwrapping.


My daughter Susannah asked the little boy next door if he had seen Santa Claus on Christmas
Eve. Little Kieran sez, "No, but I heard what he said when he stubbed his toe on the settee."


CHRISTMAS QUIZ.
Q) What do Ashley Peacock and Sam Allardyce have in common?
A) Neither of them will be attending the Rovers Christmas party.
Twas Christmas Eve, and it was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, let’s look at the moon!" said Rosita.
"Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and me do Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
,"corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." "Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we’ll do Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang…..
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."



At Christmas, a real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does... Never mind.



Ten Reasons Why Santa Is A Man
1. No dress sense whatsoever.
2. Never replies to your letters.
3. The chances of getting what you ask for are zero.
4. Big Beer Belly.
5. Will only commit to one day a year.
6. Obsessed with stockings.
7. He never stops to ask for directions.
8. Too bone idle to shave.
9. He always wears the same outfit.
10. Only willing to do a job where people leave food and ale out for him and he doesn't wash the pots up afterward.


If you're singing Christmas songs on your neighbour's lawn at night with your
church group, it's called "carol singing," but if you're doing it alone with no
pants on, it's called "drunk and disorderly."



Thought For Thursday: The greatest worldwide use of genuine leather is to hold cows together.


If you see a fat man, who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling and laughing away,while flying around in a miniature sleigh,With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, Then let's face it...You’re bladdered, gerroff home!Visit my Festive Jokey Blog! www.ComedianUK.com. Now, get carving that turkey!

Santa Joke...




A small boy wrote to Santa Claus:

Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.




Santa wrote back:

'Send me your mother...'

Merry Winterval...



Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great. Not to imply that Britain is necessarily greater than any other country . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

And To all my "normal" friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

90 year old joke




Michael is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife.

"I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes, and pours him a cold drink.

As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"

"That's no good" sighs Michael. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Michael heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law and asks, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!"

"Where did it go?" says Michael.

"I can't remember." He replied.

Friday, 17 December 2010

Howzat!!




A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant
said "Can I help you?"


"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".


"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.


"In the park just down the road" she replied.


"Can you describe what happened?"


"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near
the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,

removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his

way with me".


"Could you give me a description of him?"


"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a
white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees,

one on each leg".


"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.


"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".


"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked
that out from his accent?"


"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in
for very long".

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Corrie Latest!!


What have Ashley Peacock and Sam Allardyce got in common? Neither will be going to the Rovers Christmas Party!!

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES .....


A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . ..

No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.

That's what beer does...

Never mind.

Monday, 6 December 2010

Corries BIG 50!!


This week celebrates the 5oth anniversary of Coronation St. Jack and Vera look down from heaven and Jack sez, “Eeeeh, me little swamp duck, we lived on that street for 32 long years!” Vera replied, “Aye, and in all that time Manchester City never won a single trophy!” I hear on the grapevine that Blues manager Roberto Mancini is to plant some spuds and carrots around the perimeter of the pitch. This ensures that he has summat to pick up at the end of the season! Mange tout – Man City Nil.

FIFA (they get a fee for this, and a fee for that) has been sent into meltdown as it has been revealed that their president, Sepp Blatter (74) when asked who his favourite Qatar player was, replied “Eric Clapton.” The shock revelation was discovered in the fall out of the 2018 and 2022 World Cup bidding announcement in Zurich, Switzerland. Blatter later announced that he was mistaken and that he would settle the matter out of his own back pocket, but had taken his trousers to the cleaners. He then knocked on the door of the Russian Embassy and asked “is Len in?” You couldn’t make it up. Could you?

I have always thought that women would make excellent soccer referees. Imagine the scenario, she gives a red card to a player who immediately remonstrates and asks “What was that for, Ref?” She would put her hands on her hips and reply “If you don’t know, then I’m not going to tell you!”


Since it started snowing, the missus has done nowt but gaze through the front window. After a couple of days, I felt quite guilty and decided that I should let her in. I got quite a frosty reception, so no change there then!

The wife (She has a face like a bulldog licking a thistle, whilst simultaneously chewing a wasp) has landed temporary employment over the bleak winter. She’s a got a job as a gritter over Woodhead! Half past three yesterday morning the phone was ringing. I was half asleep when I answered it. I sez to this geezer, “I think you have the wrong number, pal - try phoning the meteorological office.” I put the phone down and the wife sez “Who was that?” I replied “Some idiot asking if the coast is clear.”

Shock horror! Upon returning back home from a London gig yesterday, I found all the windows wide open and everything had gone. The type of person who would do that to an advent calendar is totally out of order. It is an unforgivable and despicable act.

Thought for Thursday: "Political correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Now, get shovelling that snow! Christmastide is-a comin’!! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com