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Thursday, 27 May 2010

Dastardly Duchess..


The Duchess of York is alleged to have taken a cash bribe from an undercover national newspaper reporter in exchange for ‘opening doors.’ What’s all that about then? My grandad always said to me “Open as many doors as you can, son” It was quite ironic how he died. He was sucked out of an aeroplane! We used to call me granddad ‘Spiderman.’ Not coz he was very agile, he just couldn’t get out of the bath. He was a proper British craftsman. He used to stain floors. He didn’t mean to.....

It has to be said that the Duke of York was totally unaware of the under handed dealings that allegedly were perpetrated by dastardly Duchess. Prince Andrew reminds me of Christopher Columbus. When Columbus set sail, he didn’t know where he was going. When he arrived at his destination, he didn’t know where he was. When he returned, to these shores, he didn’t know where he’d been! Fascinating innit?

I received a very sad letter yesterday. It was written on an onion. I regret to have to inform both of my readers that my dear friend Tommy Figgis, who found fame as the ‘Human Cannonball’ at Blackpool Circus, has sadly passed away. They just don’t make men of that calibre any more.

I first met Tommy when starting out in show business. He eventually married the ‘Bearded Lady’ and soon after she became pregnant. I always remember saying to Tommy “Do you want a boy or a girl?” He curtly replied “I don’t give a damn as long as it fits in the cannon.”

It seems that the older you get, the more funerals one has to attend. I heard last week that Eric Grabknuckle the famous budgerigar impersonator had also died. It’s all so sad. Apparently, his funeral was attended by a few close friends, after which he was flushed down the toilet.

Eric Grabknuckle was indeed a character. The first woman he ever made love to was a suffragette. He only managed that because she was chained to the railings.



Ten Reasons Why Some Men Prefer To Have Dogs, Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get another dog??


10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the boot of your car for an hour. Then open the boot and see who's the happiest to see you.

Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest!

Incredible Dialect...

I don't get even, I get odder. The missus was griping about my new keep fit regime. She was whining that I went out four nights running last week! This just proves that mmarriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.




I went to the doctor and sez “I have a terrible addiction that I am unable to control.” The doctor leaned over and eyed me suspiciously. He is obviously fed up of me trying out my jokes on him. “What is this addiction that you have?” With all the dignity that I could muster, I sez “I keep watching The Wizard of Oz over and over again.” The doctor looked at me with much disdain, and assuming the mantle of a psychiatrist, he replied “What do you think it is that makes you keep watching the Wizard of Oz repeatedly?” I sez “Because,because,because, because….”



My neighbour Barmy Albert is in big trouble again. After attending a party last week, he was so drunk that when he got to the bottom of the stairs, he took off all his clothes and tiptoed up very quietly. It was only when he got to the top of the stairs he realized that he was on the bus!



The maths teacher sez to little Jimmy, “What is four and four?” Jimmy replies “eight.”

The teacher sez “You’re cheating, you are counting on your fingers.”

So Jimmy, thrusts both his hands in his pockets and the teacher asks him, “what is ten and ten?”, Jimmy replies “Eleven!”



Isn’t the battle of the sexes glorious? The way men and women think is just so at opposites. This poem will confirm the same. Now read on:







A WOMAN'S PRAYER:



Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self-employed,

And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand.

Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh, send a King to make me Queen.

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.

And relish visits with my mother.







A MAN'S PRAYER:

I pray for a gorgeous bird who owns a pub near a golf course,

and loves to send me watching footie and going fishing and drinking with the boys.

This don’t rhyme and I don't really care.













I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'



You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. When this moment occurs, then go and visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

PEOPLE WHO KNOW HOW TO FUCKING PARK ON BRINK OF EXTINCTION from The Daily Mash.

DRIVERS who can position their car in the middle of a parking space at a supermarket are sliding closer to extinction, conservationists have warned.










Yet another symptom of climate change? Or is he just an unspeakable bastard who deserves to die?Research teams have recorded a sharp decline in numbers over the last decade, despite strenuous efforts to educate the public about how easy it is to just put your fucking car in the middle of a parking space.



Dr Tom Logan, head of species protection at the WWF, said: "There is a series of white lines separated by spaces roughly the same width as a car, plus a little bit more. Let's think of that as the first Great Big Fucking Clue shall we?



"As we approach, we then have to ask ourselves: 'do I park on the white line, do I straddle the white line or do I get my huge, chocolate-covered face out of my fat, greedy, unwashed arse and just put the fucking car in the middle of the fucking space?'"



Conservationists have blamed the crisis on a combination of poaching, loss of habitat and an unbelievable fucking selfishness by a bunch of total and complete bastards who deserve to die on a spike.



"There are now less than 50 people in the UK who are able to do this," said Dr Logan. "That's not just a tragedy for our planet, it's doing my fucking head in every time I go to Homebase."



WWF warned that drivers who can park in the middle of a space will soon share the fate of people who knew not to park four feet from the fucking kerb, extinct since 1993.



Dr Logan added: "A fucking mountain gorilla could do this with its fucking eyes shut, but for some reason the average British motorist seems to think every car park in the world was made just for them.



"Or maybe they've heard that if they park on the white line Graham-fucking- Norton is going to jump out from behind a bottle-bank and send them on holiday to Orlando.



"Anyway, the point is we need more money."













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Thursday, 13 May 2010

Gordon Brown Latest!!


Coalition Latest!!!

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has said that he is ‘honoured’ by his new appointment as personal fag to David Cameron.




Under the arrangement, Mr Clegg will perform household chores for the Prime Minister including pressing his trousers, brushing his jacket and polishing his shoes. In return, Mr Cameron will protect Clegg from being bullied by other members of Cabinet.



‘Of course Clegg is not a full boarder,’ said Cameron, ‘he’s a day boy. But rest assured, we will treat him with the respect that he deserves.’



‘This is a unique opportunity,’ said Clegg, ‘For some people, running around and opening doors for your fagmaster might seem demeaning. But for me, this is a price that I have to pay. That, and my lunch money.’



David Cameron denied allegations that some Liberal Democrats were already being bullied after Danny Alexander was found with his head down the lavatory and Chris Huhne had to visit matron after being given a wedgie. ‘This is all part of the rough and tumble of government,’ said Cameron, ‘I am sure that the new boys will soon get used to this horseplay and find their rightful place in the pecking order, at the bottom.’



Meanwhile, it is understood that Vince Cable will be expected to wear a pinny and serve tea to Chancellor, George Osborne. ‘This isn’t exactly what I had signed up for,’ said Mr Cable, ‘and it may take a little while getting used to my new ministerial title as ‘Scullion’.’



When asked whether he had sold out to the Prime Minister, Clegg replied, ‘I have made his bed, and he will lie in it.


Friday, 7 May 2010

Advice Column....


On his death bed, Earl Woods gave Tiger the following advice:

"Focus on golf. F**k everything else."

Speshul Birthday Reminder ~ This week....

Monica Lewinsky turns 44.


Can you believe it?



It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.



They grow up so fast, don't they?

Thursday, 6 May 2010

Air Fungus...

Let’s spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said “that will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary”.


Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied “That’s a very competitive price” and handed over his money.
“Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir?” enquired the barman.

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Polling Day ~ The Race is ON!!

A bigot is a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices. The correct use of the term requires the elements of obstinacy, irrationality, and animosity toward those of a differing devotion. But what if they are the opinions of the masses? After Gordon Browns visit to Rochdale, Mrs Gillian Duffy has decided that she will not vote at all, not for any of the parties. I think I’ll join her. As Bernard Manning always said to me about polling day, “It’s like changing deckchairs on the Titanic.” How right he was!




Only in the UK do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures". After the MP’s expenses debacle, then nothing could be nearer the truth.



The last three weeks of boring Political T.V debates prove just one thing: all three candidates can tell us all their prospective manifestos’ in just under a few minutes. Britain is experiencing the worst "brain drain" of any country, as highly qualified professionals settle abroad, an authoritative international study showed yesterday. During this "brain drain," period, not one single politician has left the country. What does THAT tell you?

Nobody can fix the economy.

Nobody can be trusted with their finger on the button.

Nobody's perfect.

Vote for Nobody.





A Poem All about Getting Old:



A is for apple, and B is for boat,

That used to be right, but now it won't float!

Age before beauty is what we once said,

But let's be a bit more realistic instead.



A's for arthritis;

B's the bad back,

C's the chest pains,

Perhaps car-d-iac?



D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention

G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.



H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low

I’s for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low

O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,

Just give me a pill, I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tintinitus, bells in my ears!

U is for urinary, troubles with flow;

V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy', you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y for another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.



I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,

And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!





Tomorrow, we will have a new government. So why not visit my website and cheer yerself up! Just click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my Jokey-Blog. Now, get down the dole office and sign on!