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Monday, 16 April 2018

The 24th of April....



It’s a very special day next Tuesday the 24th of April. Not only is my lovely daughter Suzie, celebrating 21 years of age, but my good friend Tommy Docherty is 90! Many happy returns!

                   


I was in my local pub, The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife over the weekend and the barmaid was most obliging. She sez if I took her outside, she'd show me a good time. Imagine my surprise when she ran 100 metres in 9.57 seconds! Incredible!

                             


I have just taken up transcendental meditation. It certainly beats sitting around doing nothing all day.


Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. However, a wider window of opportunity can be obtained during Easter and Bank Holiday Monday on any year.


                                           

Fascinating Fact: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

I asked the missus, "What is your esteemed opinion on the present state of Premier League football?" "It's rubbish," she replied. "Absolute garbage." "More than likely," I sez, "but let's hear it anyway....."

                                   


I took the missus (or Monsters Inc in Matalan, as I lovingly refer to her) to a fancy restaurant in Manchester. While studying the menu she asked, "What’s fillet mignon?" I noted it was £50, so thinking fast, I replied, "It’s pickled rat’s spleen with marzipan. Why do you ask?"

Suddenly, I got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

                                                     


Breaking News: ASDA have announced that they are to create 12,000 new jobs in the UK. The Polish Prime Minister is said to be "Absolutely delighted!"



The National Eczema Association are currently raising funds and making every endeavour to raise both their profile and public awareness of this irritating skin disorder. They have launched a scratch card.



Security guards dragged a bloke off a Ryanair flight yesterday and all the other passengers demanded an upgrade....


Fascinating Facts: Feng Shui Tip: Make sure all the chairs face the TV. Did you know that I’ve conducted more orchestras than you can shake a stick at?



I have discovered that both women and cats will do exactly as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.


                                               



The accounts described are the recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become incontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com or gizzuz a tweet on Twitter! www.twitter.com/comedianuk.com. Now, behave yerself and get back to work! The summer is a comin’!

Monday, 2 April 2018

The Easter Egg Hunt...

                                                                             
This year, April Fool’s day and Easter fell on the same day, so we got the kids to go on an Easter egg hunt to find eggs that we had never hidden! Brilliant!                                                 


In my local pub, the Pit-bull & Stanley Knife, up Scropton St, Dastardly Denis, the landlord was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing £1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it would win the money. Many people had tried, over the years: weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it. One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar. After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: "I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said: "Ok,..." He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it...... Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his £1,000, and then asked little man: "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The little bloke quietly replied: "I work for The Inland Revenue."

You can tell a lot about people by the type of paper they buy. For instance, if they buy this newspaper, they want to keep up with local news and what’s happening in the area that they live. If they buy the Guardian paper they're probably Liberal Lefties. If they buy the Mail paper they're might be Right Wing Creationists. If they buy sandpaper they're definitely Australian Cricketers.


It's people like David Beckham, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin that give kids a bad name...



Any bloke who reckons marriage is a 50-50 proposition, doesn't comprehend two fundamental principles:

1) - Women.

2) - Fractions

                                        


A nervous little man walked into a corner shop in a small town. “I want to buy all your over-ripe vegetables and stale eggs”, he said. “Well”, said the shopkeeper with a twinkle in his eyes, “You must be going to see the new comedian at the theatre tonight.” “Not so loud”, said the little man, looking around hesitatingly, “I am the new comedian!”





Angela Merkel flies into Athens to attend an economic summit. When she gets to Passport Control, the officer looks at her passport and asks, "Nationality?" She sez, "German." He answers, "Occupation?" She replies, "No, I'm only here for two days."


                            

Teacher asked kid in class: What are 1 and 3 and 15 and 71?' Kid quickly replied, 'BBC1, ITV, FILM4 and the CBEEBIES!'


                                       



If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com



Friday, 30 March 2018

The Female Impersonator...


                         

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this! A major blue chip company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a bloke leaning against a wall . The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fella looked at him and sez, "I make £400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy £1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now bugger off and don't come back.." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that wastrel did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."


                                      

On a gig over the weekend, I met a female impersonator who lives in Standish. He has a Wigan address. Fancy that!



"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be

tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed, lest Rome will become bankrupt. People must again learn to work instead of living on public assistance." - Cicero, 55 BC So, evidently we've learnt nowt whatsoever over the past 2,067 years.



Any bloke who reckons marriage is a 50-50 proposition, doesn't comprehend two fundamental principles:

1) - Women.

2) - Fractions

                                             


Angela Merkel flies into Athens to attend an economic summit. When she gets to Passport Control, the officer looks at her passport and asks, "Nationality?" She sez, "German." He answers, "Occupation?" She replies, "No, I'm only here for two days."
                                                   



Teacher asked kid in class: What are 1 and 3 and 15 and 71?' Kid quickly replied, 'BBC1, ITV, FILM4 and the CBEEBIES!'



Hypothetically, if I was asked to take Swedish pop group ABBA out to lunch, then I would my friend, for Nando’s....
                                               



I've just been reading a rather poignant and very sad story about the decline of independent bookstores which used to found in towns all over the country. It was a really good read and I got it for only £1.99 on Amazon.



Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. Spring has sprung! Top of Form


                                                  

Sunday, 25 March 2018

IS IT BETTER TO PURCHASE OR LEASE?

We'd like to help you decide by illustrating two charming stories of
foolish men and cunning women.

Purchasing
The maths on the Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce was as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he had sex with her every night during their 5 year relationship
It ended up with him purchasing her @ $26,849 per time.

This is Heather...

                         

Leasing
On the other hand,  New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's favorite hooker, Kristen,  Charged $4,000 per night.


This is Kristen...



So, had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years @ $4,000 per night,
He would have paid only $7.3 million in total for sex every night.
This represents a $41..7 million saving for Eliot.
What a shrewd man Eliot is, compared to the ageing Beatle.
Further valuable benefits of this Leasing option are;
* a (real) 22 year old
* no need for coaxing / pleading / begging
* never a headache
* happily agrees to all technical requests
* no complaining
* no “Honey - please do this” lists

Best of all, she leaves and returns when asked.
All at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.

What does Heather think about this Purchase v Lease conundrum?... 



Where would you rather be?... 


Leasing just makes more sense.

THE OLD ADAGE STILL HOLDS TRUE.....

IF IT DRIVES, FLIES, FUCKS, OR FLOATS............RENT IT!

The British Summertime

                             


British summertime: Didn’t need to alter clocks last Sunday because I’m so lazy, I left them the time they were last October. Since then, we’ve been watching ITV + 1. I’m so lackadaisical I have a snooze button on my smoke alarm.


                                                 

Anyone who reckons that their wedding day was the best day of their life has obviously never had two bars of chocolate fall down at once from a vending machine. Marriage is just an alternative word for adopting a fully grown man, who can’t look after himself....



An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”



My parents could only afford a second hand calculator, which was missing the 'X' button. Times were hard.


                                               

Breaking News: Liverpool have just turned down a £90 million sponsorship with a leading dog food manufacturer "WINALOT" for reasons that are obvious....



In the not too distant future, we’ll have autonomous vehicles that are electric so you can't hear them. If you get knocked down and drag yourself up in a bruised and bloodied state from the tarmacadam in order to remonstrate with the driver and there's nobody there, then has your imaginary childhood friend returned for revenge or should you have gone to Specsavers? I reckon we should be told.



I found a Timpson’s repair stub in an old jacket. It was dated 1982! I took it back to the shop and he went in the back and rummaged around for what seemed an eternity and then came out, covered in cobwebs and announced; "They'll be ready next Thursday." I'll get me hat & coat...


                                                                 

I am getting rid of my Status Quo collection you can have ‘Whatever You Want’. Morever, if you go to a music shop, do you need a Chopin Liszt? Let me know. I’ll be Bach in a minuet.



A letter has flooded in: Dear Austin, Why is that celebrities call their children after the place they were conceived? Yours faithfully, Mrs Behind-The-Sofa

                                     

I phoned Sport relief sixty times last Friday and Kylie never answered once!



11 years ago today I asked a certain woman out on a date, last night I asked her to marry me - she said 'no' both times.




                                                 



Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!



                             


Monday, 19 March 2018

The New Parent....

                                   


I could swear I drove past Jamie Carragher on the M5 yesterday. Well, if it wasn't him, it was his spitting image!

                             


How to be a parent in 2018: Ensure that your children’s scholastic, impassioned, cerebral, intellectual, ethereal, somatic, and cordial requirements are met, while being careful not to over dynamise, underestimate, improperly medicate, helicopter, or neglect them in a screen free, processed foods free, plastic free, body positive, socially conscious, egalitarian, politically correct but also authoritative, nurturing, fostering of independence, gentle but not overly permissive, pesticide-free two-storey, multilingual home preferably in a cul-de-sac with a herb garden and 1.5 siblings spaced at least two years apart for proper development also don’t forget the lavender oil. How to be a parent in every generation before ours: Feed them sometimes....

                                 


Police investigating a £1 coin thrown at the directors box at a recent West Ham game have concluded that it was in fact, a takeover bid. Results: West Ham 1- Boiled Ham 2. Cowdenbeath 3 - Corned Beef 0. East Fife 5 - Forfor 4 (So far).

                                     


A blonde school teacher notices a little chubby boy in the playground standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. ‘You okay?’ she sez. ‘Fine’ he replies. ‘You can go and play with the other kids you know’ she advises. ‘It’s best I stay here.’ he retorts ‘Why?’ asks the teacher. The boy says: "Because I’m the fuckin’ goalkeeper!"



I once met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me, "Where the hell did you meet her? She's cross eyed, bald, bow legged and she's got no teeth." I said, "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf as well!"

                                 


What does it mean if you broke a mirror, whilst walking under a ladder with a horseshoe attached to a rabbits foot?



Riddle me this: Is there anything easier done than said? Answers on a coastguard please. Matron will choose a winner.


                                           

St Paddy's Day! Pat sez to Mick, "Where didya get that six-leaf clover?" Mick replies, "Our Seamus has thousands of 'em growing up in his loft, so he has!"
                                 



It's relatively easy to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while. Whereas, the other will see you later.

                                 


If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the semi-jolly Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com


                                       

Monday, 12 March 2018

The Sexist....

                              


I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.

9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices ... my children are taken by social services
It's been snowing all night. So ....

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman

8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's
voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere

8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead

8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts

8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white..

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman to wear a burqa

8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended

8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role

8:43 The council equalities officer arrived and threatened me with eviction

8:45 TV news crew from the BBC shows up.
9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the St demanding for me to be beheaded

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live
today!