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Sunday, 18 February 2018

The Spaghetti Alphahabetti Confetti...

                                 


I was having Alphabetti Spaghetti for breakfast but could only spell the word ‘Oooooooooo’. Upon further inspection, I noticed that it was a tin of Spaghetti Hoops.

                               


I asked the missus to toast some bread for me. She raised her wine glass and shouted: “Here’s to bread!” She lost her last job because she had rheumatism in the shoulder. Consequently, she couldn’t throw the harpoon anymore.


                                      

Upon visiting the optician, last week, I informed him I can see two years into the future. He reckons I've got 2020 vision!

                                                  


Thought for Thursday: Some people are real. Some people are good. Some people are fake. Then some folk are real good at being fake...



British Gas rang yesterday morning and curtly informed me: "The meter readings you provided us with for the winter season, seem to be suspiciously low." I sez, "Yeah, I've never actually read the meters. I just think beforehand how much I feel like paying, and then I adjust the figures to suit." "Sir, that is fraudulent, you can't do that!" She curtly informed me. I replied, "Well, it's a system that seems to work all right for you robbing swines!"

                                                                    


The missus (or Jurassic Park in Knickers, as I lovingly refer to her.) was counting all the five and ten pence coins out on the kitchenette table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting, screaming and crying for no apparent reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."



Walking into Tesco and placing the bag on the counter at customer services, I sez to the assistant, "I'd like to return this, please." "Is there anything wrong with the item?" she asked. "Nothing whatsoever." I replied. "It's hardly been used, I just don’t need it anymore." "Sir, this bag is empty," the assistant sarcastically informed me. "That's correct," I sez. "I'd like my five pence back please." While I was in Tesco, I bought some rocket salad, but it went off before I could eat it!
                                   



On Monday, I escorted the mother-in-law to her doctor’s appointment. She had a carrot stuck fast up her nose, a banana jammed in one ear and a cucumber was lodged in her other ear! The doctor asked me, “What seems to be the problem?”I said “Well, I’m no medical expert myself, doctor. But I don't reckon that she's eating properly.”
                                                  



After being wheeled out of the operating theatre, the patient whispered to the matron, “I’m fine, but I didn’t like the four- letter word that I overheard the surgeon use during the operation.” “What did he say?” enquired the Matron. ‘Oops!’ came the reply...



Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

                                       




Wednesday, 14 February 2018

A Valentines Day Poem....

THANKYOU for the flowers, she said,
as she slowly raised her head,
I'm sorry for the things I said last night,
I was wrong, and you were right,
So I forgave her, there and then,
and as we whiled away the hours,
I thought to myself, WHAT F***ING FLOWERS!!






Barmy Albert was in the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife Pubic House, up Scropton St, with Non-Stick Nora on Valentines night and he whispered: "I love you". She replied; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He sez, "It's me talking to the beer...".








With it being Valentines Day today, I've just said those three little words to the missus. "I'm off out..."



For Valentines Day, I've found summat that the missus looks really good in. The f***ing distance!





I sez to the missus in bed this morning, "It's Valentines Day, do that thing that you do with your mouth." She sez, "Ooooh, what do you mean?" I sez, "Shut the f**ck up."




The moment you realise your wholemeal loaf has a Valentines Day date and you haven't....

Sunday, 11 February 2018

The Winter Olympics...

               


I was watching the Winter Olympics from Pyeongchang and the speed skating was fantastic! I tried speed skating on ten pints of beer once and it's not as easy as it looks. I reckon that if you’re competing in cross-country skiing, you should choose a very small country. When my granddad was on his deathbed, the doctor instructed the nurses to attach skates to his feet. He went downhill rapidly after that. Personally though, I wouldn’t go down that bobsleigh track until it had been gritted. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

                             


Some years ago in Manchester a guy decided to open a school for comedy and he got quite a few people who wanted to be comedians, including one bloke who lived in the South West, but was desperate to do comedy so he asked the teacher for advice and was told to pack his job in, move to Manchester and when he went to sign on the dole, he should tell them that he was a qualified lion tamer (in the hope that of them never finding him a job) imagine his surprise when they offered him a job at Belle Vue Circus! I remember the headlines in this very newspaper!
                                   
A bloke who took British Airways to court because they mislaid his luggage has lost his case. Whereas, a neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert...

This morning, as I power-walked past the gym, I saw some idiot put a bottle of Buxton Spring Water in the Pringles holder on the treadmill. Sometimes, I go on the rowing machine. I just sit there and drift....

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more. They start believing in the hereafter. They run upstairs and think, "What the flamin’ hell have I come up here after?"

                                                 




Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that miniscule shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

Saturday, 3 February 2018

The First Five Days....

                                   


Barmy Albert was languishing in The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife pub quaffing a pint of Farqharharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer, when this bloke asked him how many beers he drank per week. Albert thought for a minute and replied: “Well, I always have about five pints on a Friday, then probably another five on Saturday, then on Sunday, me and Non-Stick Nora go out and have a bottle of wine each, then I might have a couple of beers on Tuesday, when we play darts, then maybe four pints on Thursday, when it’s snooker night.” This bloke replied: “And how many years have you been drinking?” Albert pondered for a moment and sez: “About forty years!” This fella curtly informed Albert: “Did you know that if you had put all the money that you wasted on booze over forty years in a high interest bank account, then by now, you would have been able to afford your own Bentley Turbo Continental car and your own private jet airplane!” Albert asked him if he was a drinker and the bloke replied: “No, I am not!.” Albert sez: “Then where’s you private jet and your Bentley Turbo then?”

I put a clean pair of socks on every single day and by the time Thursday comes around I can't get me boots on.

Things to look forward to during the bleak midwinter: 2018 Winter Olympics. 102 different ways of sliding...

The missus just phoned me in a state of near panic. "I'm at the Trafford Centre and I can't remember where I've parked the car!" she opined. I sez to her: "Calm down and just look around until you see a group of blokes shaking their heads and tut-tutting...."

Statistics prove that one in every three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two...

                            



Just opened the mail and to my abject horror I’ve found out that I failed my German exam.  Sacre bleu!

                               


The sweater I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one, free of charge. I got it from Marks & Sparks.

Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious. - P. G. Wodehouse

Never put all your eggs in one basket? Yeah right! Nice try, basket manufacturers...

                               


Hey, listen up! I am perfectly okay in this nice white jacket that lets me hug myself. Although some days, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps! You’d be daft not to visit my website though. Just clickety-click on: http://www.comedian.ws and strike the pose! Email me on comedianuk@sky.com . Now, get back to work! The monsoon is a-comin’!!

                                    

Thursday, 1 February 2018

Are You A REAL Man?



                           
1. OPENING JARS – She’s struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn’t. Jars are men’s
work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE ‘SON’ – Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE – Beckham is camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE – Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don’t need a sharpener, I’ve got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP – A manly act which combines driving, lifting and as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish
noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP – Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards
the door, saying, "Let’s go" and striding out while everyone else struggles
to catch up with you. You’re hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD – in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR – Ideally it’ll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did that hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE – When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your
hardness,sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like?

10. NODDING AT COPS – A moment’s eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We’ve not seen eye to eye in the past",it says,
"but someone’s got to keep the little scr0tes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS – Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while drinkin beer? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR – Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE – And everyone cheers you. It doesn’t mean you’re popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub
doesn’t know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT – Fat is a feminist issue,apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST – And saying "are you a leg or br€ast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are
now your dad.

16. WINKING – Turns women to putty. Doesn’t it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS – Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
then, we’ll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT – Okay, so its for paying the Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only
thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE – Unlike women, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING – Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT – Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it’s over we can stand there insilence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the
other nurses a foaming jug of ale.Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU – Especially if you didn’t make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. when on a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

24. When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

25. A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat. fact.
I’ve learned a lot about women. I think I’ve learned exactly how the fall of man occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, "Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we’ll never age, we’ll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them." And Eve said, "Yeah… it’s just not enough is it?"


                         

Sunday, 28 January 2018

The Dog Food Diet....

                       


Yesterday, I was at my local supermarket buying a bag of dog food for the woofers. Whilst I was in the checkout queue, the woman behind me (she had a face like a pirates flag) asked me if I had a dog. What did she think I had – an armadillo? So, since I was off work and had little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the dog food diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, and that I’d lost two stones before I woke up in intensive care, with a matron and several doctors hovering over my prostrate form. I told her that it was basically a proper diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with doggy biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel peckish. The food is nutritionally complete so it does the business well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the shop was now enthralled with my tale.) Gobsmacked, she enquired if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned my system I told her definitely not, I merely stepped off the kerb to sniff a nearby lamp post and a car hit me. I thought the geezer behind her was going to have a coronary, he was chortling so much. I now cannot enter the local Co-op without supervision. Always exercise extreme caution when you ask a comedian any simple question at all. We have all the time in the world to dream up stoopid things to say.

                                           


Thought for Thursday: I reckon that whoever dreamed up the word Wednesday, must have had summat to do with the word February as well.


                                 

Not so long ago, on the petrol forecourt, I used to put 20p in the machine to put air in my tyres. Skip forward to today and I have just had to insert a £1 coin. Talk about inflation!


                                   

Last night, a bloke came off his motorbike right outside my house. There was a gaggle of folk meandering around him, so I went out and shouted, “Let me through!” This woman asked me, “Are you a doctor?” I replied, “No. He’s got my pizza!”

                                 


Apparently, if your girlfriend or wife ever says summat like: "If anything ever happens to me, then I want you to meet someone new." ‘Anything’ doesn't include getting stuck in traffic on the M67.

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

This bloke threatened to hit me with his guitar!! I said "Is that a fret?"...


                                   



Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the slings and arrows of outrageous misery. If we cannot laugh at our own shortcomings, then what can we laugh at? Well there’s this column for a start! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                       


Sunday, 21 January 2018

The Argument....


                               

The missus and I were having an argument and we were both unwilling to admit we might be wrong. In an attempt to reconcile, she said to me, “I’ll admit I’m wrong, if you admit I’m right.” I agreed and being a gentleman, insisted she go first. “I’m wrong,” she sez. “You’re right!” I replied. That’s when the trouble started...



We bought a water bed about eighteen months ago. Since that time, the wife and I have just drifted apart. A further mitigating factor is that her side has frozen over. Unfortunately, the writing was on the wall and I was well aware of the perils of having a water bed as my uncle Tommy sadly died in one. The house caught fire and he was poached to death!



I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds. Incredible!


                                       
‎When asked by a police traffic officer, “Do you know you were speeding?” The 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated: “Yes, but I had to get there, before I forgot where I was going.” The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.


Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora went to the local fair every year. Each year Albert would say, “Nora, I’d like to ride in that helicopter” Nora always replied, “ I know, Albert, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid!” One year Albert and Nora went to the fair, and Albert opined, “Nora, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.” To this, Nora replied, “Albert that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid” The pilot overheard the couple and said, “ Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the pair of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire flight and don’t say a word, I won’t charge you a shilling! But if you say one word, it’ll cost you fifty pounds.” “Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora agreed and up they went. The pilot did all manner of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, even flying upside down. When they landed, the pilot turned to Albert and said, “By jingo, I did everything I could to get you to scream out, but you didn’t. I’m so impressed!” Albert replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said summat when Nora fell out, but fifty quid is fifty quid!”





Thought for Thursday: We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school.



Don’t let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com