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Tuesday, 8 October 2019

The Kings Speech....


                         

BIG MISTAKE! I really should have exited the wretched M6 @ J15. J16 was shut. Instead, I endured a grand detour of the UK tarmacadam infrastructure (With the entire 1,000+ strong Eddie Stobart fleet for company) only to be re-routed @ J17, to face a 50 mile per hour limit until my exit J19 (A556) Knutsford, which was also CLOSED!! Shurely shome mishtake? After a further circuitous route, I limped onto the M60 at 3-30 am, only to find that it was also closed at J7! After a further divergence, I've just got home! Was I angry? Undoubtably YES!! That was until Radio 2 played the Roy Orbison song: 'I Drove All Night'. It was then I started laughing inanely like an unhinged banshee, and in mitigation, Your Honour, that was when the police traffic unit stopped me.....
                                                     

At the end of Corrie, it just sez: "If you have been affected by any of the issues in this programme, then please ring this number." But I couldn't, coz I have been operating as a loan shark, after I had murdered the original loan shark and I'm now running a money laundering operation by selling junk furniture.  HELP!!

                                                
I encouraged my 16-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her
college education. Last night, she came home with five applications, and later
that evening, I read them. Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting." Under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."
                                

The missus phoned me the other day and the conversation went thus:
Her: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”
Me: “What about it?”
Her: “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”
Me: “Right, I’ve done that”
Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”
Me: “I can see that, yeah.”
Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!”
Me: Okay, I see them.”
Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator guarding the gate holding a spear.”
Me: “Yes! I can see him!”
Her: Can you see his feet?
Me: Yes, I can!
Her: Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”

                                  




I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on. We need another referendum to find out. You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website. Clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now get back to work!

                                    


Monday, 30 September 2019

The Hard Irish Border......

                                               


“A hard Irish border” sounds like a breed of large dog with a drinking problem. I've seen a house fly but never seen a horse box. Now that the cat is out of the bag, we’re gonna have to take the bull by the horns...


Help! There’s a psychotic chicken in my front garden and it won’t let me out the house. I may have to make a run for it!


Why has no one invented a bubble wrap whereby the bubbles are filled with helium, so that your parcels are lighter and thus cheaper to post?

                                         


Opticians, listen up! : Business going down the tubes. Not many customers? Then just change your shop signage to a blurred font.


                                       


When I’m bored I phone up any ‘Best Western’ hotels They answer “Best Western”   Then I say “Blazing Saddles directed by Mel Brooks.”

Have you ever tried stealing clothes from other folks washing lines? Well, I’ve been there, done that and got the T-shirt!

Thought for Thursday: Until Eve arrived, Adam didn’t know everything was his fault!

OLD JOKES HOME: A High Court Judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."     A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"     The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."   The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"     The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"     The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

                     


Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!

Sunday, 22 September 2019

Should have gone to Specsavers.....

                                               







                                               

Yesterday, I was accused of being a heartless, arrogant, posh and stuck-up cretin. I was so upset, I instructed my butler horsewhip the bounder! This is all because I refused to go on a protest march about climate change. I decided not to go, because it was far too hot!


                                     

In my opinion, sex education classes in all schools should consist of pupils listening to a baby cry incessantly for four straight hours, whilst watching Peppa Pig on a constant video loop.



Little Tommy and Jenny are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Tommy goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Tommy bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr Grabknuckle, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr Grabknuckle replies, "Well Tommy, both of you are only 12. Where will you two live?"    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Likkle Tommy replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Grabknuckle says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Tommy instantly replies, "Our pocket money innit! Jenny gets five quid a week and I make 10 quid a week, with my paper round." "That's about £60 a month and that should do us just fine." Mr. Grabknuckle is impressed Tommy has put so much thought into this. "Well Tommy, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Tommy just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been very lucky so far."

                                   


Isn’t it just heart-warming to hear that after sixteen years’ of retirement, Sean Connery has finally found his niche. She was in the back garden playing with his nephew.


My grandfather committed suicide by eating the entire 88 keys of a pianoforte. He didn't leave a note...

An Airline introduced a special package for business men. Buy your ticket; get your wife's ticket free. After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how their trip was. All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"
                                       


Just a passing thought, if the Government lose in the Supreme Court this week, will they appeal to the European Court of Justice? Boris! Get yer hat and coat on matey!

                                 

When Non-Stick Nora visited Barmy Albert in prison, she complained to the governor that he was exhausted because they made him work far too hard. The prison boss laughed and told Nora that he merely lazed around in his cell all day long. Nora sez: “Well, he told me that he’s been digging a tunnel for the last few months!”

                                   




If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                               

Sunday, 15 September 2019

The Brexit Stockpiling Scenario....

                                               


I'm currently stockpiling for the forthcoming No Deal Brexit. Party Poppers. Champagne. Can anyone recommend where to get red white and blue streamers and helium balloons? Have I forgotten anything?

                                         


Why is it that any fish caught in the English Channel, belong to the EU, whereas any humans found belong to the UK? Answers on a coastguard, please.


The clocks go back soon. I'm worried because I can't remember where l got mine from. When I put it forward in summer, it fell off the wall! The missus told me that it nearly hit her mother on the head. Mind you, that clock was always slow...

                                     


The wife sez that I possess an infantile mentality and I'm immature. She reckons that we will have to set some time aside to discuss this unfortunate situation. As if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!



Experts are worried about the mental state of Donald Trump, after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
                                 



When I was in New York a few years ago, I met Paul Simon. I sez, "Paul, what was that song called that you had a massive hit with in the 80's?" He replied, "Call Me Al." I sez, "Al, what was that song called that you had a massive hit with in the 80's?"....



Thought for Thursday: Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second contestant...



Barmy Albert went to the doctor yesterday, he sez he has Hypochondriasis. Albert replied: "Oh No! Not that as well!"...

                                                           


Anyway, I was in B & Q and I sez to the bloke: "What gets rid of grease, grime and stubborn stains?" He said "Ammonia cleaner." I said "Oh really sorry mate, I thought you worked here..."



The missus and I were shopping in Tesco. I picked up a case of cider and put it in our shopping trolley. "What do you think you're doing? " asks the wife. "They're on sale, only £15 for 24 cans " I replied. "Put them back, we can't afford them." demands the wife and so we carry on shopping. A few aisles further on, the missus picks up a £30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks yours truly. "It 's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful " replied the wife. Quick as a flash, I retorts: "So does 24 cans of cider and it's half the price." That’s when the fight started! On the PA system: 'Clean up on aisle 25 please, we have a husband down.'

                                                   


Raise a glass to cheating, stealing, fighting, drinking and internet surfing. If you cheat, may you cheat death; if you steal, may you steal a woman’s heart; if you fight, may you fight for a brother and if you drink, may you drink with me. If you go surfing, then visit my website;     www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest. Now get back to work!

                           














Monday, 9 September 2019

The Brexit Farrago....

                                               


Joiner required for cabinet that’s falling apart. Apply to Boris Johnson, 10, Downing Street, London. No need to bring any tools. The place is full of ‘em. I hear that even the new puppy has defected to the Lib Dems!



I was working in Tenerife and as I sauntered down the promenade, I spotted a restaurant advertising "Lobster Tails 2 Euros." Anyway, I paid the money and the bloke sez "Once upon a time, there was this lobster."
                                         



I was stopped by the fuzz last night. Copper sez: "Sir, do you know your car was swerving all over the road?" I replied, "Sorry ossifer, but I've supped ten pints of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Bitter up the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife pub and feel a tad bladdered." He then proclaimed: "That's no excuse to let your missus drive!"



An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss bloke went to a night club. The doorman sez: "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"

                                             


When asked by a police traffic officer, "Do you know you were speeding?" The 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated: "Yes, but I had to get there, before I forgot where I was going." The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.

                                               


Have you noticed that if you Google the phrase: " Lost medieval servant boy " It tells you ‘This page could not be found.’ Fascinating!



Thought for Thursday: "Trying is the first step towards failure." - Homer Simpson.

                                             


Barmy Albert was down the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife Explaining to Dastardly Dennis, the landlord, how Non-Stick Nora disguised herself as a bloke and was able to join the army.   "But, hang on a minute," said Dennis "Nora would have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too. Wouldn't she?" "Yep," replied Albert. "Well, wouldn't they have found out?" asked Dastardly Den Albert replied, "Yeah. But who was gonna tell?"



I sez to the missus, "Oi Fishface! What do you want for your birthday?" She shouted, "Don't get lippy!" I sez, "Right! Mascara it is then!” She wanted me to take her to Las Vegas to see The Temptations. I ended up taking her to Primark and got her the four tops instead....

                                            


My new vegetable patch is fantastic. I haven’t fancied a vegetable for weeks!



I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: Comedianuk@sky.com.  Now, get back to work!

                                    

                               

Sunday, 1 September 2019

The Canine Kerfuffle....

                                     


Watching Netflix. It’s 2 am and in a particular scene, the doorbell rang. Poppy the new puppy then launched herself down the stairs, barking furiously because she obviously thought it was our front door. Took ages to calm her down and then it happened yet again. All this kerfuffle at 2 o’clock in the morning! So, instead of informing me that the filum contains violence, scenes of a sexual nature, graphic images etc, what I really need advising is: There are doorbells ringing in this production which will send your dog doo-lally!
                                     


Whilst on the subject of dogs and houses, there were two dogs talking, in a house and one sez: “Do you wanna hear a good joke?” The other dog replied: “Yes, I’m bored. Cheer me up.” The first dog went: “Knock-Knock.” Then both dogs went absolutely crazy!
                                                             


I was viewing this woman's profile on a website: Blonde 33 from Stalybridge. Great personality 5ft – 3 green eyes. Don't get me wrong, no problem being vertically challenged, but three green eyes? Really odd! I’ve started my own dating website, aimed especially at veteran comedians. I’m gonna call it Trinder...



Back to school! Non-Stick Nora was so skint, she had to sell one of her kidneys to pay for the children’s new school uniform. Barmy Albert told me that if things get any worse, he'll have to cancel Sky Sports too!



                                 

The missus was going to the hairdressers and she asked me what particular cut would make her more attractive. I replied: “A power cut.” That’s when the fight started!



Thought for Thursday: A literalist is someone who takes things literally. A kleptomaniac is someone who literally takes things...



A horse walks into the Pitbull & Stanley Knife pub and orders a pint of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. Dastardly Dennis, the landlord remarks: “You’re in here quite often. Do you reckon you might be an alcoholic?” The nag replies: “I don’t think I am..” and promptly vanishes from existence! This joke is actually about Descartes’ famous philosophy of;  “I think; Therefore, I am.” However, if I explain that part before the rest of the joke, then that would be putting Descarte before the horse. Now do you understand?
                                           


Don’t you hate it when folk act all intellectual and rant on about Schubert or Mozart when they’ve never even seen one of their paintings! I find it all quite disconcerting.



Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!



                                     

Saturday, 31 August 2019

Sat Nav....

                       


I have a little Sat Nav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Sat Nav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing sixty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - lets me have a shed.
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off!!..