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Sunday, 18 June 2017

The Sale....

                                  


"When you were a little kid remember how difficult it was just to get a Kit-Kat? Well high up on the kitchen worktop, unless your mum was really fastidious, then they'd be right on the very top shelf of the kitchenette cabinet, miles out of reach. Absolutely nowhere on the wrapper of a Kit-Kat does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where's the Domestos bleach and the Mr Muscle? Under the sink, right next to the rest of all the toxins."


                                          



"My grandad always said, 'Don't watch your money; watch your health.' So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole all my money. Yes, you’ve guessed it! It was my grandad!" Sadly, he died on his 90th birthday. We only got up to sixty-two on the bumps!


                                 

 

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The meeting suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a bloke at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

                                               




Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were shopping in Tesco. Albert picks up a case of Stella Artois and puts it in their shopping trolley. "What do you think you're doing? " asks Nora.  "They're on sale, only £15 for 24 cans " he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them." Demands Nora and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on, Nora picks up a £30 jar of anti-wrinkle face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks Albert. "It 's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful " replies Nora. Barmy Albert retorts: "So does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the price." On the PA system: 'Clean-up on aisle 25 please, we have a husband down.'


Thursday Thought: You can train a cat to do anything it wants to do.



Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Saturday, 10 June 2017

The Surgical Procedure....






So the Conservatives won, but lost. Labour lost, but won. SNP won and lost in Scotland, the Conservatives won in Scotland, but lost. UKIP lost, however, because of Brexit they’ve already won. The winner Theresa May should resign because she didn’t win, but she refuses because she won, even though she lost. Now do you understand?



                               

Jose Mourinho has told Wayne Rooney that if he wants to leave Old Trafford, he'll have to put it in writing. So that's the end of that then...



                                 


Non- Stick Nora is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley with nowt on, except a sheet over her. The matron pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves Nora on the gurney outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up, has a look, then he puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another bloke in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same. When a third man does exactly the same thing, but more closely, Nora grows impatient and sezs: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "Dunno. We're just painting the corridor."


Eighty five year old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home and announces "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can make mad passionate love to me tonight" An elderly man shouts from the back of the room "A caravan!" Bessie thinks for a minute and says "Close enough!"

Three boys are bragging about their fathers. "My dad's an archer. He can shoot an arrow and reach the target before the arrow does" "Well, my dad's a soldier. He can fire his gun and be there before the bullet" "That's nothing" says the third boy. "My dad works for the local council. He finishes work at 5.00 and gets home at 3.45...."

A man walks into the street and flags down a passing taxi. "Perfect timing" he tells the driver. "You're just like Tommy" "Who?" asks the cabbie. "Tommy Grabknuckle. He's a man who did everything right, all the time. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis and played golf with Tiger Woods. He sang like an opera tenor, and you should have seen him dance." "Sounds like quite a guy" says the driver "That's not the half of it. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He was a connoisseur of wine, was a gourmet cook. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street is blacked out" "Wow, what a man" “He knew how to treat a woman. His clothing was always immaculate, his shoes polished. He was the perfect man. Nobody could ever measure up to him" "Amazing. How did you meet him?" "Oh, I never met Tommy. I just married his widow"

Thought for Thursday: It becomes evident that you've put on a lot of weight, when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises!


If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                         

Saturday, 3 June 2017

The Vote....

                                    

It’s polling day folks! How will you vote? All that I can say is if you’re not doing so well and struggling, then vote for a better life for yourself. If you’re doing ‘very nicely, thank you’, then vote for a better life for others. But remember, whoever you vote for, you’ll always get ‘The Government’. So, now you know! 

                         

A man was knocked over last week on the A57, by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then another red lorry, then another yellow lorry. When the Police constable went to inform his missus, he informed her; "There's really no easy way to say this...”

            


The missus had just got back from the garden centre, and I was busy watching Countdown, so was unable to assist her with unpacking the car, so she was in a foul mood. As she was unloading various sacks of compost, she picked up a set of 4 solar garden lights, and proclaimed: 'I'm going to shove these where the sun don't shine'. I sez: 'Well, they're not going to work then’....

                                                          

The bloke in a Parcelforce van stopped and asked me the time, yesterday. I sez to him: “It’s between 8 am and 12 noon, mate. See how he likes it!


                               




I was walking the woofers around Tintwistle reservoirs last weekend and a woman asked me about my dog. Alfie was running haphazardly in different directions. She politely enquired: “Is your dog indecisive?”I replied: “Well, yes and no!” Alfie disappeared off into a wooded area, upon following him; I discovered a fox with four cubs in a suitcase. I phoned the RSPCA and told them of my find. The lady at the other end of the phone asked me if they were moving. I replied: “I’m not sure. But that would certainly explain the suitcase.” Dog Walkers eh! Worst crisps that I ever tasted!  I threw a ball for my dog. Extravagant I know, but it was his 21st birthday!

                       


Whilst driving through my old home town of Gorton last week, I was reminiscing about the old days and drummed up the courage to stop at the house where I used to live. I knocked on the door and courteously asked if I could go inside and if I could have a look around. He told me to fuck off! Mind you, my dad always was a cantankerous old twat!                                


Hypothetically, if I was awarded the privilege of taking iconic pop group Abba out for lunch, I would, my friend, for Nando’s.

                                                     


Thought for Thursday: One machine can be programmed to do the work of one hundred ordinary people. There is no machine in existence that can do the work of one extraordinary person.



                                 


If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant global world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!


                             

Friday, 19 May 2017

The Funeral....

                                         



Eavesdropping is a wonderful pastime. In my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, I overheard Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora’s conversations become increasingly surreal. She sez to him the other day: “I keep seeing spots before my eyes.” Albert asked her if she’d seen a doctor. She replied: “No. Only spots....” Then yesterday, Albert asked her if she liked Tolstoy. She wholeheartedly agreed that she did. When Albert pressed her on which story was her favourite, she curtly informed him: “The one where Woody is kidnapped and Buzz desperately tries to save him!”

My mate Dave’s funeral was a disaster! The hearse and cortege turned up late. At first, it went to the wrong church. It then proceeded the long way round to the crematorium. The funeral director got everything all mixed up in the service. But Dave was a taxi driver and it’s what he would have wanted!

There was a spotty precocious youth sat on the back pew in the church at the Dave’s funeral. He was talking into his iPhone, bemoaning the fact that 'funerals were boring' and 'there's no flamin’wifi in this church', when the priest approached him and proclaimed:" You are an ignorant imbecile, show some respect!" The scrote gazed at the priest and asked: "Is that all lower case, mate?"


My Sat-Nav has stopped speaking to me. It’s sent me to Coventry. They’ve brought a new Sat-Nav out now for octogenarians. When you get to where you’re going, it tells you what you what you went for! You can download different voices too. I downloaded Bonny Tyler. Now it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then, it falls apart.

I was at the airport, checking in at the checking-in thingy, when the girl behind the desk sez, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, then how would I know?’ She smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’ What’s all that about then?

Thought for Thursday: Do you reckon that “expecting the unexpected” means that the unexpected is actually expected?

Another Thursday Thought: Words can't describe how beautiful you are but numbers can. 3/10

I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are. But no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! See you in the autumn folks! Start the car!


                             



The Malady....

                       

I am not feeling myself. My back legs have gorn,  having contracted the most appalling malady.  I have given it the moniker of A.A.A.A.A Syndrome – Age Activated Attention Arrears Ataxia. This is how it manifests itself: I decide to mow the lawn. As I lurch towards the front door, I notice that there are letters that have been just delivered by the postie. I go through the mail before I start to cut the grass. The lawnmower is in the garage. I lay the garage keys down on the hall table, put the junk mail in the waste bin under the table, and notice it is full. So, I decide to put the letters back on the table and take out the rubbish first.


However, then I think, since I’m going to be near the garage when I take out the waste, I may as well get the lawnmower out of the garage in readiness. I take the garage keys off the table, and notice that they are actually my car keys. Seeing the car keys reminds me that it needs taxing. Moreover, the garage key is on a hook in the utility room, so I go upstairs to my study and on my desk, I find an unopened bottle of beer that I was going to drink last night. I’m going to look for my cheque book, because I need to tax my car. But first I need to push the beer bottle aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the beer is warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to maintain the temperature of the beer, because warm beer is horrible.

As I head toward the kitchen with the beer, a wilting potted plant on the dining room table attracts my attention – it needs to be watered. I plonk the beer down on the kitchen worktop, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I reckon that I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the arid aspidistra. I set the spectacles back down on the worktop and endevour to fill a jug with water, when I spot the TV remote control nestling by the bread crock.

My daughter Nellie must have left it in the kitchen. I realise that later on, when we go to watch the telly, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will even consider that it’s in the kitchen, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I’ll water the plant. I splash some water on the aspidistra, but most of it spills on the mahogany table. So, I set the TV remote back down on the worktop, get some paper towel and wipe up the spill. Then I head off down the front path, trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn’t taxed, the lawn un-mowed, there is a warm bottle of lager sitting on the dining room table, the Aspidistra’s well dead, I can’t find the TV remote, my reading specs are on the missing list. I cannot recollect what the foxtrot-uniform-charlie-kilo I've done with the car keys. I try to figure out why bugger all has got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really knackered. I realise this is a serious problem, but I must remember to put the wheelie bin out tonight, because it’s Wednesday… or is it Thursday today?


Only the really good jokes are the ones I can take credit for.  But you can always visit my website. Just click on www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me:  comedianuk@sky.com


                                       

Sunday, 14 May 2017

The Bid.....



Last Saturday night was described as ‘The 62nd Eurovision Song Contest’. Well, they’re absolute liars, because it went on for hours and hours and hours!

However, my Eurovision top six prediction was:
1st - Portugal
2nd - Italy
3rd - Bulgaria
4th - Arsenal
5th - Ukraine
6th - Man Utd





Does anyone know how to cancel an eBay bid? I bid three quid on a cowboy outfit and now I’m just two days away from owning the Labour Party. What manner of mugwumpery is this?

                                 


All the members of the company's board of directors were called into the chairman's office, one after another, until only Barmy Albert, the junior member, was left sitting outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned. Albert entered the office to find the chairman and the other four directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table. Albert was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he dutifully did. The chairman looked Albert squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked, "Have you ever conducted any hanky-panky with my secretary, Miss Faversham in the stationery cupboard?" "Oh no, sir, positively not!" Albert replied. "Are you absolutely 100% certain?" asked the chairman. "Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!" "You'd swear to that?" "Yes, I swear I've never engaged in a spot of slap and tickle with Miss Faversham, anytime, anywhere." insisted Albert.. "Good!” The chairman replied. “Then you fire her!"
                                     



A drunken bloke staggers into the church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but sez nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"


                                           

The missus (I call her ‘Viking’, because she has a face like a Norse!) and I were invited to a fancy dress party and we both went as bank robbers. We had a wonderful evening. Well I did. She was sat outside in the car, all night, with the engine running!

                                 
                                     


I asked my next door neighbour why he had number thirty nine painted on his wheelie bin when he actually lives at number three. "It's so the bin men will leave it near my house after they have emptied it," he replied.

                               


I heard on the grapevine that Non-Stick Nora got a ladder in her tights on a recent trip to
B & Q. She truly is the most talented shoplifter ever!


                                           


When I answered the phone yesterday, all I could hear was sneezing and sniffling. It transpired to be one of those cold callers again. Folk who are taken in by these rogues are so stupid. They are the type of people that believe the earth is flat. Utter morons. There are hills on it and everything.


                                                 




This humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting. Inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes and Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                                           

Saturday, 6 May 2017

The Feng-Shui.....

                                            


Come June 8th, I’m going to vote for Rick Astley. Why? Because, he would never give you up, let you down, run around or desert you. Moreover, he would never make you cry, say goodbye, tell a lie or hurt you. If only all politicians had these standards!

                                                    


Barmy Albert bought Non-Stick Nora a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. I sez, "I thought she wanted one of them there sporty, 4 x 4 wheel drive Range Rovers?" Albert replies, "She did, but where was I going to find a fake Range Rover Evoque?"

                                             


I’m getting into the Feng Shui lark. It’s all to do with your yings and your yangs, which to the layman, are positive and negative influences and all that manner of magnetictic activity in the ether and beyond. I suppose that you would never consider that a couch potato like me would study an ancient art like Feng-Shui, but dear reader, you would be wrong. If you pop round to my house, you would notice that all the chairs face the telly! My house is also near a pub and a betting shop, so this constitutes perfect harmony. Geomagnetism is basic components of Feng Shui. Proponents claim that feng shui has an effect on health, wealth, and personal relationships. This is where the pub and the betting shop come in.

                                               


I don't like selfish people. I saw this bloke pushing over forty-odd trolleys at Tesco this morning. Really! Don’t you think someone else might want one?!

                                                       


A mother finds a magazine under her son’s bed while cleaning his room. It’s all about spanking & sado-masochism. Understandably disturbed, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband. "Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?""I’m not sure," replies the father. "But we shouldn’t be giving him a good hiding, that’s for sure!"


                                                 

I can remember my mum tucking me in when I was younger. It was then I realised she really wanted a girl.

                                                  


I got the missus a bag of B & Q Multi-Purpose compost for her birthday. She went mad and chucked it at me. Typical woman. Give 'em the earth and they throw it in your face...


                                                   

A university student delivers a pizza to an old man’s house. "I suppose you want a tip?" says the old man. "That would be great," says the student, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much – he said if I got 50p, I’d be lucky."
The old man looks hurt. "Well, to prove him wrong, here’s £5. What are you studying?"
"Applied psychology," replies the student.

                                      


If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com