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Tuesday, 4 May 2021

In the pub beer garden on Bank Holiday Monday....

 

                                         




The police came to my front door on Bank Holiday Monday, holding a picture of the missus, then asked me: "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered: “Yes, it is.” They informed me: “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus". I sez: "I know, but she has a jovial personality and she’s very good with the dogs.”



I sez to the local vicar: "Hello father, this is a really architecturally splendid church. What period is it from?" He replied: "It’s Norman." I sez: "Sorry, Norman, this is a really architecturally splendid church, what period is it from?”



Thursday Thought: The Woke movement is pure decadence. It’s an indulgence in luxury beliefs.

                                           



Fascinating Fact: When Lord Nelson died, he was 5 feet tall. However, his statue in London is 15 feet tall. That’s Horatio of 3;1.



During lockdown, I bought a chicken to make sandwiches, but all it does is poo all over the kitchenette floor.



I wrote to BBC Gardeners Question Time and asked: “I was gardening last week and after digging the flower bed, I discovered a rag and bone mans bugle, should I root-it-oot?” I’m still awaiting a reply.



Barmy Albert sez to me: "Non-Stick Nora drives like lightning." I replied: "You mean she drives fast?" Albert sez: "No, she hits trees."

                   



Thought for Thursday: If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done!



I bumped into my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert up near Scropton Sreet Gasworks. He had two black eyes. I asked him what had happened. He replied, "I was standing behind a rather large woman at the supermarket checkout, I noticed that her dress was caught in the nape of her derriere, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Wow! Where did you get the other shiner from?" I politely enquired. "Well, I figured she preferred it the way it was before, so I pushed it back in."


                                     


Men often misinterpret exactly what message women are endeavouring to convey. Women are very fickle, so they are. Exercise extreme caution! Now read on: The wife phoned me the other day and the conversation went thus:

Her: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”

Me: “What about it?”

Her: “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”

Me: “Right, I’ve done that”

Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”

Me: “I can see that, yeah.”

Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!”

Me: “Okay, I see them.”

Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator guarding the gate holding a spear.”

Me: “Yes! I can see him!”

Her: Can you see his feet?

Me: Yes, I can!

Her: Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”

   

             

                              




Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Saturday, 24 April 2021

What did the Romans ever do for us?

 

                                 





I was up Scropton Street shivering in the freezing cold beer garden of my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, when the barman asked me: "What would you like?" "What would I like?" I informed him: "An end to all this lockdown, quarantine, social distancing, mask wearing gubbins, maybe a magical cure for Covid that would eradicate the virus globally. Perhaps, a holiday abroad or my work as a comedian returning to normal or a missus that doesn’t nag as much." "No!" exclaimed the barman patiently. "I meant what do you want?" "To win the Euro Millions lottery or for my mother-in-law to relocate to a far pavilion?" "What's it to be?" says the barman, now displaying less patience. "For all the debt I’ve accrued during the pandemic to just disappear into the ether" "You misinterpret what I am saying;" sez the barman, now getting annoyed, "I only asked what you want to drink." "Oh," I exclaimed, “I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?" "Nothing at all," sez the barman. "I had a full Covid test last week, it was negative and I’ve also had my second Astra Zeneca vaccine jab."


Lads! Listen up! Are you struggling to get your wife’s attention? Just sit down and look comfortable.



I never realised how anti-social I was, until there was a pandemic and my life didn’t change one jot or scintilla whatsoever!



The memsaab asked me if I had seen the dogs bowl. I replied, "I didn't know they could!”

                                                         



Moreover, Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert: “If they have a referee in football and an umpire in cricket, then what do they have in bowls?” Albert thought for a minute and replied: “Goldfish?”



David Beckham's son arrived for training and asked the coach "What number shirt shall I wear?" The coach replied "Wear four out there, Romeo." Apologies to The Bard.



Hotel guest calls the reception desk and the clerk answers "May I help you?" The bloke shouts: "Yes, I'm in room 242. You need to send someone up immediately. I'm having an argument with the missus and she sez she's gonna jump out the window." The receptionist replied: "I'm terribly sorry sir, but that's a personal issue." The man replies "Listen, I can’t get the window open and that's surely a maintenance issue!"



It’s very sad to see Eamonn Holmes on a TV advert declaring he’s having to release a tax- free lump sum from his home. You’d have thought he would have put a few shillings to one side after being on prime time telly for forty odd years. Who’d a thowt it?

                                  



I got stopped up Scropton Street by a lady conducting a survey. "What do you know about The Borrowers?" she asked. "Very little" I replied.

                                         

There’s a recipe by Mary Berry and she sez that you can use ‘leftover beer’ to make battered chicken wings. What exactly is leftover beer? I was also trying to construct Mary Berry’s Octopus soup. What a flamin’ fiasco! It took me two hours to get the little critter in the pan, then when I eventually got it up on the hob, it kept turning the gas off!

 

 

Hey, listen up! Do I need psychiatric assistance! Nope. I am perfectly okay in this nice white jacket that lets me hug myself. Although some days, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps! You’d be daft not to visit my website though. Just clickety-click on: http://www.comedian.ws and strike the pose! Email me on comedianuk@sky.com . Now, get back to work! The summer is a-comin’!! 

                          



                       

Saturday, 17 April 2021

๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ Summertime, and the lockdown is easing.... ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ

 

                         




On Monday the 12th of April, although it was Baltic conditions and so cold that I had to wear two pairs of bootlaces; I decided to visit my local, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife public house, in order to take full advantage of the easing of lockdown farrago. Imagine my surprise, when the Ethel the barmaid asked me to download the NHS Covid app, before I could be admitted to the outside beer garden, via the empty pub. When I got outside (from being already outside!) it was so cold that I deleted the NHS Covid app and installed the NHS Hypothermia app. I answered all the questions and I got a positive test! I actually had hypothermia! I was frozen solid, so went home for a warm, where I received a frosty reception from the missus.



This time last year, I wrote in this column: “Just had a great idea! If the lockdown continues until December then we could have 6 foot long Christmas crackers!” I’m now wondering if it will continue until Christmas 2021?



Thursday Thought: I’m not an enthusiastic devotee of litotes, but I do reckon that hyperbole is the finest thing in the whole universe.



Some really amusing oxymoron’s are: Fun run, found missing, open secret, small crowd, act naturally, fully empty, pretty ugly, original copy, only choice, liquid gas. However, the best of the crop must be either: Social distancing or comedian Paddy McGuinness.

                                             



Yet another lockdown argument between me and the missus ensued yesterday. She told me that now all the non-essential shops are back open and she had a bag full of used clothes to donate to the charity outlet. I advised her to just take it to the tip, because that’d be a lot easier. She opined: “But there are poor, starving folk who could really use all these clothes.” When I replied: “Anyone who can fit into your clothes, certainly isn’t starving.” That’s when the fight started!



The missus reckoned that to alleviate the lockdown monotony, I should go into the garden and make a bird table, which I dutifully did. However, she went absolutely ballistic when I put her in fifth place. There’s no pleasing some folk.

                                                  



Top tip: Never do anything that you’d be ashamed to tell a paramedic...



Non-Stick Nora made Barmy Albert a tongue sandwich. He complained that he was unable to consume anything that came from an animal’s mouth. So Nora gave him a boiled egg.



Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. However, a wider window of opportunity can be obtained during Easter and Bank Holiday Monday on any year.

                                               


A helium atom walks into a bar. The barman says, "We don't serve noble gases here." The atom didn't react. He wasn’t wearing a mask and hadn’t downloaded the NHS Covid app.



Another Covid side-effect is malady is paranoid amnesia. You can't remember who you don't trust...



If Aliens looked down from their spaceship and witnessed us humans picking up dog poo, then who would they think are the dominant species? 



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer faรงade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com