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Monday, 20 November 2017

The English Vagaries....

                                            



Some more vagaries of the ENGLISH language.

Six great confusions still unresolved

1. At a movie theatre, which arm rest is yours?

2. In the word scent, is "S" silent or "C"?

3. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

4. Why is there a 'D' in 'fridge', but not in'refrigerator'?

5. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

And now sixer .....

6. If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be...congress?




More vagaries of English Language!

- Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?

-Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?

- How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

- If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?

- If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?

- How does one get off a 'non-stop' flight?

- Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?

- Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?

- Why do doctors 'practice' medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?

- Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?

- How come Noses run and Feet smell?

- Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?

- What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?

The Wife....

                          


The wife has been missing for over a week now. The local police have told me to prepare for the worst, so I had to go to the charity shop today and get all her clothes back. She reckons that I have only two faults. That I don’t listen and something else..


While driving through historic Chester last week, I turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left'. I looked across and there was the zoo! Spooky or what?


I did a working man’s club in Yorkshire last weekend and it was embarrassing. I walked out on stage and there was just one bloke sat in the audience. I sez: “I’m here and you’re here, so I’m gonna do my whole international cabaret act, exclusively just you.” He replied: “Well, get a move on, I wanna lock up!”...



Barmy Albert sent an email to a small hotel in a High Peak village that he planned to visit this autumn. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed, also very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who emailed: “Dear Sir, I've been running this hotel for twenty years. In all that time, I've never had a dog nick any towels, bedclothes, 32” Plasma TV’s, cutlery, silverware or portraits off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. Moreover, I've never had a dog disappear without settling the hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is very welcome at my hotel. Furthermore, if your dog will vouch for you, then you are welcome to stay here as well."



The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are you doing with those?" He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"



I visited my doctor with regard to my chronic deafness and acute hearing loss. He gave me a thorough examination and prescribed some medicine and told me to take two drops per day in my beer. I've been doing it for over a week now and I still haven't noticed any improvement.


Thought for Thursday: Never, ever make eye contact with anyone, whilst scoffing a banana...

A director decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the month of December. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10. He also advised that all staff members should read this weekly column and exercise their guffaw glands! Continue the quest! Click on www.ComedianUK.com coz all the cool kidz are at it!


                       

Friday, 10 November 2017

The Invisibility Cloak....


Air Force General: "Mr President, we've just invented an invisibility cloak for Air Force One!"
Trump: "No way!"
Air Force General: "That's right, sir. The plane will be invisible. Will you be going on it's maiden flight?"
Trump: "Wouldn't miss it for the world!"
Air Force General: "Have a good trip, sir."




Breaking News: Church of England tells schools to let children 'explore gender identity'. Well, I must admit that at one time I felt that I was a man trapped in a woman's body and then after I was born, the feeling went away...


This bloke in the supermarket tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the boss. The lad sez he'll ask his supervisor about it. Walking into the back office, the lad tells his manager “Some cretin out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the bloke standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.” 'The boss approved the deal, and the fella went on his way. Later the manager said to the young lad, “I was most impressed with the way you got yourself out of that sticky situation earlier. We like people who
think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?” “Wigan, sir,” the boy replied. “Well,
why did you leave Wigan?” the manager asked. The boy said, 'There's nowt but loose women and rugby players up there.' 'Really?' said the manager. “My missus is from Wigan.”
“You're kidding!” replied the boy. ”'What position does she play?”


                                         



Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were discussing culinary delights.

Albert: Do you like black pudding?

Nora: No. I am a vegetarian

Albert: Where do you get your iron from then?

Nora: Argos.


                                       

Thursday Thought; through the years I’ve noticed that conscience gets a lot of credit that really belongs to cold feet.



                                               


If you've ever lost your iPhone, take solace in the thought that maybe, just maybe, a large family of mice have now acquired a giant flat-screen TV.


                                     



The Mexican maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the proposed wage hike. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?' Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.' The first is that I iron better than you.' Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' Maria: 'Your husband said so...' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..' Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?' Maria: 'No Señora...... the gardener did.'


                         





Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

                                         

Saturday, 4 November 2017

The True Story....

                           
A true story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyser test. This particular English bloke lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was really bladdered! The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yeth, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.' 'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a Corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.' 'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate Dave downed a bottle of Johnny Walker's black label.' Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'? The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'And do you understand that I'm English, same as my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the steering wheel?'


                                       
I bumped into an old school friend on Wednesday. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and top-of-the-range expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my missus." He said, "Why. Is she a stunner?" I sez, "No, she's an optician."

On the same subject, my wife seems to have two major problems:
1) Nothing to wear.
2) No room for all of her clothes.

Breaking News: The Car of the Year for 2017, as voted by Woman magazine is: A Blue one.

Thursday Thought: Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it. That's everything.

                                       


This is my weekly book review. Knowledge is power! I've just finished the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy, also I bought a new thesaurus last week. It's nothing to write house about. Best book of the week was ‘Childish Retorts’ by Euan Hoozarmi.

Have you ever had an overwhelming desire to stand in the centre of the living room and just whiz around in circles but you were concerned that you’d get quite dizzy? Of course you have. Haven’t we all? Why doncha visit my website? www.ComedianUK.com and peruse my all new Jokey-Blog. You know it’s the right thing to do. All the cool kidz are at it!


                                 



The Squirrel & The Grasshopper - A Modern Tale....

                                 


REST OF THE WORLD VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. THE END



THE BRITISH VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

                                                           

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

                                   


The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.



The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".Shami Chakrabarti rants in an interview with Piers Moron that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.


In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of  society, in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.
                                             
The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain’s apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.
                                     
The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards. A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrels’ food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK. The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
                                                     

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
                                     
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister. The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom. The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 67 because of a shortfall in government funds.



THE END (or is it?)

                             

Rules To Consider (II)

                                            
                                  

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your arse look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we
ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. Your friends love you anyway.

38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that
a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the
Titanic.

Sunday, 29 October 2017

The Wedding.....

                                                                               

I couldn't be bothered to go through all the mither of putting all my clocks back an hour this year. Instead, I'm just going to watch channel ITV+1 for the next six months!

It’s a poignant time of year. As I get older and I think of all the people I've lost along the way, I think that maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.......


                                                             

It all happened so suddenly! I was bereft. I felt that my life was empty and a barren existence on a bleak horizon beckoned. I felt alone, with a sense that I was isolated from all I know and loved, unable to express my inner most feelings, to share my thoughts, my needs, my…… No. Hang about. The Wi-Fi is up and working again now. Carry on folks!


Thursday Thought: If you can't learn to do summat really well, then learn to enjoy doing it badly.


I was out in Wetherspoons with my mates over the weekend, when I glanced at my mobile phone and noticed a staggering eighteen missed calls from the missus. That's an average of six calls per day! Is she insecure or what?


                                                           



Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in. Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jack sez: “We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"  Pharmacist: "All kinds" Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jack: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "Yes"Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, and arthritis?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We do..." Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and zimmers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?” Pharmacist: "Yes." Jack: "Then we'd like to use this chemist shop for our wedding presents list..."




                                                                   



Me, behave! You cannot be serious! As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home well after midnight, Pinocchio was an inveterate liar, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles per hour, Snow White lived in a house with seven strange blokes, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby Doo were mystery solving mysteries involving hippies who never worked a day in their life. The fault is not mine! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com