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Sunday, 23 July 2017

The Crocs....

                              


I said to the Librarian, "Have you got any books on Paranoia?" She said "Yes, they’re behind you!" I ended getting a book called ‘Childish Retorts’ by Ewan Hoozami. Fascinating!

                                          


How do so many people get simple sayings wrong? Answers on a coastguard, please. I’ve been that, done there and got the tea bag.



I went to get my tests results from the doctors today, He said, “I have good news and bad news.” I said "So, what’s the good news?” “Well,” he replied, “You’re not a hypochondriac!” I asked him if he treated alcoholics, he confirmed that did. I sez: “Well lend us a tenner, I’m skint!”



The condition of the man, who was mauled at the Teddy bear's picnic yesterday, is said to be improving. However, he's not out of the woods yet....

                                              


Tommy and Elsie Grabknuckle were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Tommy would shout, "When I kick the bucket, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbours despised the curmudgeonly Tommy; however, he wallowed in the fact that he was disliked. Then one evening, he snuffed it, when he was 98. After the burial, Elsie's neighbours were concerned for her wellbeing, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" Elsie replied, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down and I know he won't ask for directions." Typical bloke eh?



                                   


I attended a wedding at the weekend. I whispered to the geezer next to me, "That must be the ugliest bride I have ever seen?" "Do you mind, that's my daughter you're talking about!" "I'm terribly sorry; I had no idea that you were her father..." I sez. "I'm not!" came the curt reply, "I'm her mother!"



Thought for Thursday: "I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than: "I quit halfway through a marathon"



Barmy Albert’s new girlfriend told him that she would like to wait six months before they make love and he fully understood and respected her decision. He said to her last night that he would contact her again in six months time...

                              




This summer, are you being attacked by butterflies? Take a break from the fresh air of outdoors and stuff yourself behind a relaxing computer so you can tell all your pals
about this gloppy humour column. Oh, don't forget to warn them about the attacking butterflies while you are at it. Tel them to visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com  Or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!



                                       


Monday, 17 July 2017

The Errand....



The missus phoned me and sez, "I'm just in Tesco getting some milk, do you need anything fetching?" "It depends" I replied, "Did you drive or walk?" She said,”I walked here," "Right, I'll have six bags of potatoes and four watermelons please."


                                 



The Tameside Police were given orders from the Chief Constable to sort out any loutish or drunken behaviour in the town centre. On Friday night, a paralytic Barmy Albert staggered towards a copper and said, "Excushe me offisher, what time is it?" The cop replied, "Its one o'clock," and bonked him on the head with his truncheon. "Jeepers!" sez Albert. "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago."


                                           



Little Jimmy and Jemima are only ten years old, but they know they are in love. It’s like that when you’re kids! One day they decide that they want to get married, so Jimmy goes to Jemima's dad to ask him for her hand. Jimmy bravely walks up to him and says,”Mr. Scroggins, me and Jemima are madly in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr Scroggins replies, "Well, Jimmy, you are only ten. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, little Jimmy replies, "In Jemima’s room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in there very nicely." Mr Scroggins sez with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jemima." Yet again, Jimmy instantly replies “Our pocket money, Jemima gets five quid a week and I get ten quid a week, coz I have my paper round. That's about £60 a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Scroggins is impressed that Jimmy has put so much thought into this. "Well, Jimmy, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Little Jimmy just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

                                    




My Doctor reckons that I'm paranoid. I'm just worried how many other people he may have told! On my last visit, he gave me a thorough check-up. When the examination was complete, I sez, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English exactly what's wrong with me.” “Well, in plain English,” my doctor replied, “You're just a plain old lazy malingerer, wastrel, lollygagger and popinjay” 'Thank you.' I replied. “Now give me the medical term in Latin, so I can tell the missus”


                                   



I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!



                               


The List......

                       

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain’t the jeans that make your arse look fat.

26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.

27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.

36. Your friends love you anyway..

                               



Austin Knight.
www.Comedian.ws

Sunday, 9 July 2017

The BBQ.

                               


Because it is ‘that’ time of year and we are all about to enter the (albeit brief) barbeque season, I thought it might be prudent to outline the official rules of play. You will be aware that tempestuous rain (in monsoonical proportionistas) has for the last three consecutive years battered the UK during summertime, so I consider that it is of immense importance to refresh your memory on the appropriate etiquette and ensuing protocol that must be strictly adhered to with regard to this sublime alfresco catering scenario.

Women, listen up! Let’s get it straight, when a man volunteers to do the barbeque, a sequence of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman will attend the supermarket ‘early doors’ and make any necessary purchases of food and accompanying comestibles.

(2) The woman will marinade all meat, prepare and make good any salad, bake jacket spuds in tin-foil, accompanied by any other miscellaneous vegetables, such as asparagus, wrapped in Parma ham. Further extreme care should be taken when making a nice pudding, such as my fave apple and almond cake. Custard should contain no lumps and should therefore be sieved through a stocking.

(3) The woman prepares and seasons the meat (prior to cremation), subsequently placing it on a platter, along with the requisite cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is languishing beside the grill, larruping ale down his neck. Note: He has a beer in each hand, in an effort to maintain the correct balance.

(4) The woman remains outside the mandatory three yard exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other male bonding activities can manifest themselves, without the interference of the aforementioned mithering female.

Here comes the important part:

(5) The male of the species will then place the meat on the grill.
(6) The woman goes indoors to organise any requisite crockery, cutlery and other accessories.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking superb.

He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat over, thereby engaging in a system of strict rotation.

(8) The man removes meat from grill and will then pass it to the woman for administration and distribution purposes.

(9) The woman prepares the crockery, cutlery, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, condiments, sauces, and fetches the same to the table. If she is unable to do this all at once, then she should make several trips.


(10) After the man and all the kids finish scoffing the grub, the woman shall then clear and wipe down the table and stack the dishwasher accordingly. Not forgetting to empty it, upon the conclusion of it's cycle.

(11) Everyone praises the MAN and thanks HIM for his culinary expertise and efforts.


(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her ‘night off ‘and, upon seeing her gobsmacked countenance and flabbergasted reaction (she has a face like a Chihuahua chewing a wasp), concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!


Time slows down as you approach the speed of light, but time flies when you're having fun so if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a mango! So visit my website  www.ComedianUK.com and remember that one way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be unconscious. Now, get back to work! comedianuk@sky.com


                 

Saturday, 1 July 2017

The Plug...


          


There was a tap on the door yesterday morning. My plumber has a really weird sense of humour! Last week, he invited me to visit London and we went to see the Chelsea Shower Flow.

                                         



Last Monday ended up a massive disappointment. I went along to support a dwindling trade union, namely The Annual Shoemakers Convention. The committee is made up of a group of octogenarians, who invite guests to learn skills that they have studied and honed over a lifetime in the footwear industry. I have to honestly say it was the biggest load of old cobblers that I ever had the gross misfortune to associate myself with.
                                 



My father was a door to door salesman, selling doors. He wasn't very successful though. He'd knock on someone’s door and say "Oh! You've already got one!"

                            


My old mate, Tommy Grabknuckle was informed by his doctor that he only had six months to live. His two sisters, Tina and Marje were inconsolable and devastated by the sad news. They were constantly sobbing. He had to tell 'em, "Don't Cry For Me, Marje andTina"...


                                       

Barmy Albert was walking along Blackpool beach found a bottle lying in the sand. He picked it up, brushed it off and out popped a genie! “Since you have freed me from this bottle, I will grant you three wishes.” Barmy Albert thought a minute and proclaimed: “I’m feeling a tad thirsty. I think I’ll wish for a chilled dandelion and burdock.” And poof! There was a pint of fizzy pop in his hand. He drank it down and started to chuck the bottle away. The genie sez, “Look at that bottle before you throw it away.” Albert did and watched as it magically refilled itself with dandelion and burdock. “That’s a magic bottle. It will refill itself whenever you empty it. So what are your other wishes?” Barmy Albert replied: . “I think I’ll be having two more of these!”
                                  



Tip of the day: Never do a runner from an Ethiopian restaurant!

                                  


Big Chief Sitting Bull and his wife Lying Cow made love on a bed of horse hide and she bore him two sons. He made love to his second wife on a bed of buffalo hide and she bore him two sons. He made love to his third wife on a bed of hippopotamus hide and she brought into the world FOUR sons! So it just goes to show that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.


                                         

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com



Monday, 26 June 2017

The Horse Blanket....

                                 




Why was Emili Sande wearing a horse blanket at Glastonbury? And why was there a ginger bloke busking on da main stage dude?


I phoned PC World technical services, because I was having difficulties with my computer. I told her the problem. The techno dude sez: “Right click, go to tools-internet options- accounts, then properties”. I replied: “Hang on, slow down, I can't keep up with all that!” She asked: “What have you done up to now?” I replied, “I've written click...”

The missus (or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) asked me if I would pop to the local Co-op. She gave me strict instructions. She said, "Could you get one litre of milk, and if they have eggs, then get a dozen” I dutifully returned with twelve litres of milk. She looked at me with much disdain, then ranted, "Why did you buy 12 cartons of milk?" With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied, "They had eggs."

Barmy Albert drove his Reliant Robin Interceptor 3 litre Ghia Hatchback Trans-Am 3x3 (twin carb with stabilisers) out of the garage. Taking off down the A57, he floored it to 32 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through the little wisp of hair he had left. "Wicked!" he thought as he glided down Hyde Road, getting caught in the slipstream of a milk float. In his rear view mirror, he spied a police car, blue lights flashing and siren wailing. "I can get away from him, no mither!" thought Albert as he pressed the pedal to the metal and floored it to 43, then 45, then 47 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What in Harry Hill am I doing? I’m too old for all this gubbins!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the jam butty car to catch up with him. Five seconds later, pulling in behind him, the efficient policeman ambled up to the driver’s side of the Reliant Robin, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes."Today is Friday, and I’m off to Rhyl for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you off." Barmy Albert looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Many years ago, my wife ran off with a copper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the bobby.

So, I said to this woman, “Did you know that Halley's comet takes seventy-six years to travel once around the sun?” "Get out of here," she exclaimed. "It's true," I replied," Furthermore, did you know that Mozart was only five years old when he wrote the music of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." "No, get out of here," she said again, "this is the ladies toilets!”


Aristotle always maintained that it was the mark of an instructed mind to rest satisfied with the degree of precision which the nature of the subject admits and not to seek exactness when only an approximation of the truth is possible. I wholeheartedly agree. So visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com then assume a comical position and strike the pose!









Sunday, 18 June 2017

The Sale....

                                  


"When you were a little kid remember how difficult it was just to get a Kit-Kat? Well high up on the kitchen worktop, unless your mum was really fastidious, then they'd be right on the very top shelf of the kitchenette cabinet, miles out of reach. Absolutely nowhere on the wrapper of a Kit-Kat does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where's the Domestos bleach and the Mr Muscle? Under the sink, right next to the rest of all the toxins."


                                          



"My grandad always said, 'Don't watch your money; watch your health.' So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole all my money. Yes, you’ve guessed it! It was my grandad!" Sadly, he died on his 90th birthday. We only got up to sixty-two on the bumps!


                                 

 

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The meeting suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a bloke at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

                                               




Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were shopping in Tesco. Albert picks up a case of Stella Artois and puts it in their shopping trolley. "What do you think you're doing? " asks Nora.  "They're on sale, only £15 for 24 cans " he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them." Demands Nora and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on, Nora picks up a £30 jar of anti-wrinkle face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks Albert. "It 's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful " replies Nora. Barmy Albert retorts: "So does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the price." On the PA system: 'Clean-up on aisle 25 please, we have a husband down.'


Thursday Thought: You can train a cat to do anything it wants to do.



Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!