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Monday, 30 July 2018

Thr Great Escape....

The Great Escape Untouched for almost seven decades, the tunnel used in the Great Escape has finally been unearthed.    The 111-yard passage nicknamed 'Harry' by Allied prisoners was sealed by the Germans after the audacious break-out from the POW camp Stalag Luft III in western Poland.
Despite huge interest in the subject, encouraged by the film starring Steve McQueen, the tunnel remained undisturbed over the decades because it was behind the Iron Curtain and the Soviet authorities had no interest in its significance.

                                    
      


But at last British archaeologists have excavated it, and discovered its remarkable secrets.

Many of the bed boards which had been joined together to stop it collapsing were still in position.
And the ventilation shaft, ingeniously crafted from used powdered milk containers known as Klim Tins, remained in working order.
Scattered throughout the tunnel, which is 30ft below ground, were bits of old metal buckets, hammers and crowbars which were used to hollow out the route.
A total of 600 prisoners worked on three tunnels at the same time. They were nicknamed Tom, Dick and Harry and were just 2 ft square for most of their length.
It was on the night of March 24 and 25, 1944, that 76 Allied airmen escaped through Harry.
Barely a third of the 200 prisoners - many in fake German uniforms and civilian outfits and carrying false identity papers - who were meant to slip away managed to leave before the alarm was raised when escapee number 77 was spotted.

Tunnel vision: A tunnel reconstruction showing the trolley system.








                                 




Only three made it back to Britain. Another 50 were executed by firing squad on the orders of Adolf Hitler, who was furious after learning of the breach of security.
In all, 90 boards from bunk beds, 62 tables, 34 chairs and 76 benches, as well as thousands of items including knives, spoons, forks, towels and blankets, were squirrelled away by the Allied prisoners to aid the escape plan under the noses of their captors.
Although the Hollywood movie suggested otherwise, NO Americans were involved in the operation.


Most were British, and the others were from Canada , (all the tunnellers were Canadian personnel with backgrounds in mining) Poland, New Zealand, Australia and South Africa.


The site of the tunnel, recently excavated by British archaeologists
The latest dig, over three weeks in August, located the entrance to Harry, which was originally concealed under a stove in Hut 104.
The team also found another tunnel, called George, whose exact position had not been charted. It was never used as the 2,000 prisoners were forced to march to other camps as the Red Army approached in January 1945.


Watching the excavation was Gordie King, 91, an RAF radio operator, who was 140th in line to use Harry and therefore missed out.


'This brings back such bitter-sweet memories,' he said as he wiped away tears. 'I'm amazed by what they've found.'




                    

Bitter-sweet memories: Gordie King, 91, made an emotional return to Stalag Luft III.





Thank a teacher if you are reading this.   Thank a veteran if you are reading it in English.







Sunday, 22 July 2018

Further & Better Particulars....


                       

Dear Sir:

"I am writing in response to your request for
additional information in Block 3 of the accident
report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my
accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I
trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident,
I was working alone on the roof of a new six story
building. When I completed my work, found that I had
some bricks left over which, when weighed later were
found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than
carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them
in a barrel by using a pulley,which was attached to
the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing
the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung
the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I
went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to
ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form
that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being
jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence
of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to
say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met
the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an
equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured
skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as
listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not
stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two
knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this
time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to
experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the
barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that
barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again
to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid
descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity
of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth
and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter
with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my
injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and
fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am
sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of
bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my
composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope
and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two
broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry."

Yours Sincerely,

Warwick Hunt.

                                       

Friday, 13 July 2018

The Incredible Conversation....

                                         

Two blokes met in Wetherspoons recently and struck up an incredible conversation.
One was telling the other about some problems he was having with one of his kids.

After a while the other guy said, "You think you have family problems? A few
years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my
stepmother and my father became my stepson.

"Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter
of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because
he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which
made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother.

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son,
my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the
brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife.

"I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my
son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather! And you think you
have family problems?"

                                    

How To Get That Fabulous Job....

                           

Arrive fashionably late.

Greet the interviewer as casually as you would your friends, like "Wassup, dude?"

Bring a relative or pet with you.

If it's summer time, wear very little clothing so you can stay cool.

Also, wear bright, flashy colours, lots of jewellery, and extra cologne or
perfume to keep the mosquitoes away.

Play it cool by showing no enthusiasm for the job.

Or act desperate, like you'll take any job.

Ask about pay, vacation, coffee breaks and other things the company can do
for you, right off the bat.

Brag about how many interviews and job offers you have lined up.

Always interrupt the interview to take cell-phone calls from your bookie or
pimp.

Shuffle through important papers, work samples and such so you look
important.

Eating, drinking, or smoking is a great "icebreaker!" Don't forget to share.

Occasionally, fidget or squirm to stay awake.

Tell the interviewer you intend to go after his or her job.

Knowing little to nothing about the company or job description will give you
extra things to talk about, so play dumb.

Ask for a cash advance upfront
for Wetherspoons tokens.

Make statements or ask questions that reveal negative, underlying
implications, such as, "What happens if I'm late a lot?"

Criticise a former employer, coworker or boss to show them you're tough.

Stop the interview early, to make it to another on time. This shows them you
are a "hot" prospect.


                                       

Sunday, 24 June 2018

The Fire.....

                                 
                   


 Two World Cup countries have 0 players who play in their own country: Sweden and Senegal. The one country which has 0 team members playing outside their country? England. Fascinating innit!

Iran are now out of the World Cup, so the only remaining Islamic country in the competition is the United Kingdom....
                                 

                                   
Polish fans ran amok in Moscow and cleaned, polished and vacuumed 346 cars!



                               

Parting is such sweet sorrow. This will be my last column for a while, as I am away until the autumn. This year, I shall be working on many different cruise liners around the Mediterranean. Then, copious exotic destinations beckon and in between these forays this summer as I will also be performing at the fantastic TUI Gold Hotels in Lanzarote, Cyprus, Costa del Sol, Menorca and Ibiza! These hotels are adults only. No kids! You think you’ve gone deaf!

                                 


I came home from a gig yesterday, only to find the missus stood in the garden while the fire brigade extinguished the flames in our scullery. I sez to the wife, "Why on earth didn't you phone me?" "What could you have done?" she opined. I replied, "Well, I could have gone to Wetherspoons and got summat to eat there." That’s when the trouble started!


                     

Whilst sauntering around Tesco at the weekend, there was a foreign couple in front of me. I heard the check-out cashier ask if they would like help packing their bags, and my first impression was, "Effinell! This Brexit gubbins is having a bigger impact than I first thought!"

Old Jokes Home: When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, because of this, I had to put my foot down...



One of life’s ponderables: I wonder if a water bed is more bouncy if it was filled with spring water? Answers on a coastguard please.

                                     


I was a bookkeeper for many years; however the local library weren't too happy about it.



A lad is compiling a thesis on childbirth and asks his parents; "How was I born?" His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork delivered you." "Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?" "Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma." The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations. Moreover, my grandparents were called Pearl and Dean, but I just called them Gran and Grandpapapapapapapa. Isn’t life grand, when you’re doo-lally!

                                     


Barmy Albert was in The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, sat at the bar all afternoon, trying to fathom out why his sister has four brothers, whilst he only has three.



Thought for Thursday: Apparently 'spite' is not an appropriate answer to the question; "What motivates you..."



                               

Yesterday, I spent over an hour writing out the lyrics to 'Bohemian Rhapsody' in a futile endeavour to distract myself from my compulsion to put everything in the wheelie bin. But now I've gone and thrown it all away....




                                 



I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!


                                   

Wednesday, 13 June 2018

The Fitness App.....


                                                       

Breaking News: Polish football fans have been warned by the Russian authorities that if they cause any trouble during the World Cup they will be immediately deported back to the United Kingdom.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up,  everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.” But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, no balls and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable!

                                 
                                   

Barmy Albert went up to Non-Stick Nora and proudly showed him what appeared to be a dog. "It's absolutely unique," Albert explained, "It's part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand." Nora asked: "Which part is bull?" Albert replied, "The part about the thousand...."


My pal started a new business cultivating those miniature Japanese Bonsai trees. He's done so well, he's had to move to smaller premises....


We bought a water bed about eighteen months ago. Since that time, the missus and I have just drifted apart. A further mitigating factor is that her side has frozen over.


"When you were a little kid remember how difficult it was just to get a Kit-Kat? Well high up on the kitchen worktop, unless your mum was really fastidious, then they'd be right on the very top shelf of the kitchenette cabinet, miles out of reach. Absolutely nowhere on the wrapper of a Kit-Kat does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where's the Domestos bleach and the Mr Muscle? Floor level.Under the sink, right next to the rest of all the toxins."
                                             

                                       


I just entered what I’ve scoffed today into my new fitness app and it has sent an ambulance to my house! Technology. Doncha luvvit!


"My grandad always said, 'Don't watch your money; watch your health.' So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandad." He always gave me sound advice. He told me to buy Bang & Olufsen speakers.

                                             
June 21st is the 171st day of the year (172nd in leap years) in the Gregorian calendar. There are 208 days remaining until the end of the year.


Remember folks, no matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery! If you want to keep up with all the latest jocular gubbins, then visit my website. Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington for a chortle and a guffaw. You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!