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Saturday, 21 November 2020

I get lockdown, but I get up again....

                                                 


Yet another lockdown argument.  The missus left me a note: ‘I’m leaving you because you’re so stupid and bigoted!”  Well, she’s wholly misinterpreted everything. Because I’m not stupid, I’m actually dyslexic. Furthermore, I can’t help having big toes.   Apart from “Fine” what other death threats do women use?

 

Barmy Albert told Non Stick Nora that he liked Beyonce.  Nora sez: "Whatever floats your boat" Albert replied: "No. That's buoyancy…"

 

The wife sez that I am the last person on her list that she would want to hurt. What I find disconcerting about this statement is: A) She already has a list. B) That I am on it!

 

 With all this climate change gubbins going on, I’ve decided to write a book about hurricanes and tornadoes. Of course, it’s only a draft at the moment.

 

More vet fees! My little dog Alfie has developed an ingrowing tail. I have to X-Ray him every day to see if he's happy or not! He's very mischievous.  Last night, he ate all the Scrabble tiles.  his next poo could spell disaster.

 

A bank is robbed by the same bank robber for the third time in a month. "Did you notice anything unusual about the robber?" asks a detective. "Yes," says the bank clerk. "He was wearing nicer clothes every time."

                                        


Everything has been cancelled this year. I haven’t worked since March 14th. Last year, things were very different. I appeared as dame in pantomime and I had a Wigan address.

 

I was also best man at Barmy Alberts second wedding last year.  It didn’t go very well at all. Especially when I opened my after-dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone…”

 

 

 Some of these young Millennial whippersnappers treat their respective partners and Apple iPhones in very much the same manner. When they get a brand new one, it's all they can think about, consuming their entire animate existence by wanting to play with it all the time and cannot imagine not being with it on a constant basis. Then after about a year or so, it's still there and a part of their everyday life, but they'll start getting a tad bored with it and start thinking about other newer and more state-of-the art units. After seeing their peers go through several futuristic generations, they'll compare models and decide whether to stick with the one they already have, or get an upgrade. Some folk even keep their old one knocking around for a bit because it does things that the new one doesn't do, but once the new model accomplishes these tasks, then the old one becomes a thing of the past. Up the Apps! Technology, doncha just love it!

 

Yesterday, Parcelforce rang the doorbell.  He sez, "I've got a parcel for next door."   I looked at him and replied, "You've got the wrong house then, mate."....

 

                                               


"T.V. has gone full circle....Years ago the public used to sit and watch entertainers on the telly....Now, entertainers sit indoors and watch the public on T.V."    Brian Conley.


Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest!  I get lockdown, but I get up again! Wahay!  You can email me!  comedianuk@sky.com    

Sunday, 15 November 2020

The Covid-19 Trials in NoMovember...

                                 


I must confess that when I saw the news with Dom Cummings leaving Number 10 with a cardboard box, I thought it was the new John Lewis advert!

 

With both Dominic Cummings and Lee Cain making a swift exit last week, it looks like Boris Johnson will be our new Prime Minister!

                              



Boris has heard that the Coronavirus can be killed by pastry. If the trials are successful it'll be rolled out across the rest of the country in time for Christmas.  You may think that this concept is flaky and pie in the sky, but we really do knead this.  I’m here all week folks!

    

Last November, everyone grew a moustache and it was called Movember. I'm not bothering with all that gubbins this year, so I'm calling it NoMovember, or November for short...

                              



Thought for Thursday: You're a work of art. Not everyone will understand you but, the ones that do, will never forget about you.

 

Hey guys, listen up! If you think that women is mad at you, then just tell her that she is overreacting and she’ll calm right down immediately. For your further information, there’s an A & E in Tameside....

 

Two Scousers talking.  One sez: “We had a terrible fire at our house and we lost everything and then this Covid lark started and I lost my job, but luckily, the insurance paid out for the fire and I’m okay for money now.  How you doin’?”  The other Scouser sez: “I lost me job through Coronavirus and then our house got flooded in October and we lost all our possessions, but last week, the insurance paid out, so we’re flush for cash now!”  The first Scouser replied: “Flood?  How’d ya start a flood?”

                               

            



Fascinating Fact: It must be said that being twenty in the 70’s was much more fun that being seventy in the 20’s.  I’m nowhere near 70 yet, however, if I drop summat on the floor, before picking it up, I consider whether I could do without that particular item for the rest of my remaining days...

 

I sauntered into Scropton Street Car Mart showroom last night. I approached the salesman, "My missus would like to chat with you about the Reliant Robin in your window." He replied:  "We do not have a Reliant Robin the window." I sez:  "You have now..."

                                   



The wife has been missing for over a week now.  The local police have told me to prepare for the worst, so I’ve had to go to the charity shop yesterday and get all her clothes back.

 

Barmy Albert went for a job up Scropton Street abattoir and the manager asked him:  "How do you explain this four year gap on your CV?”. Albert replied:  "That’s when I went to Yale." The manager sez: "Wow! That’s impressive! I’m gonna give you a start.  You’re hired." Albert replied: “Thank you very much, sir. I really need this yob...”

 

 

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light?   Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com  Email me: comedianuk@sky.com.  Now, get back to work.  

 

                                



 

Sunday, 8 November 2020

Eschew obfuscation......

                                                       


The government has announced last week that you are not allowed to meet people in your garden in the freezing cold, tempestuous rain and Force 8 gales.  Hallelujah! At last, summat positive!

 

I’ve put on acres of weight during this lockdown lark. My stomach is flat.  It’s just that the L is silent. I also have flabby thighs, but luckily, my stomach covers them.

 

Moreover, scientists have now confirmed that women who’ve put on weight during lockdown are likely to live longer than men who mention it.  Fascinating!

                 



During lockdown, all the days tend to blend into a vast chasm of uncertainty, not quite knowing what actual day it is. However, now the clocks have been meddled with, this compounds an already surreal farrago, whereby not only do I not know what day it is, I don’t know what time it is either. Talk about eschewing obfuscation!

 

Although the kids are back at school, because of social distancing issues, it’s been unanimously decided that there’ll be no Nativity plays this year.  This is primarily because the three wise men are facing a travel ban. The shepherds have been furloughed, the Innkeeper shut down.  Moreover, Santa cannot work as he would break the rule of six with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donner and Blitzen. Poor Rudolph is self- isolating because of his red hooter!  

 

I’ve cancelled my trip to the Bahamas this winter tide, because of this Covid gubbins.  I was also unable to go in previous years, because I was skint.  

                                                     



I’m totally flabbergasted! I haven’t worked since March 14th and the missus has just clicked the central heating on.  Can this year get any worse?  Of course it can.  We’re back on Lockdown 2 - The Sequel.  At a shut down cinema near you.  Watch out for The Dom Cummings 2nd Lockdown Tour 2 to Barnard Castle.  You couldn’t make it up!

 

Anyone who reckons that marriage is a 50/50 relationship fails to comprehend two fundamental principles. 1) Women. 2) Fractions.

 

Fascinating Fact: Argentina is surprisingly cold...  In fact it's bordering on Chile!

              



Q) Why can’t Donald Trump enter the White House anymore? A) Because it’s for Biden!

 

If my lottery numbers don't win a substantial prize this week I'm gonna complain. I demand a recount. I refuse to accept Trumped up figures.

 

Did anyone see my chiropractor joke about a week back? I have subscribed to Chiropractor Monthly magazine for many years.  Contact me if you want any back issues.

             



It has been confirmed by the World Health Organisation that canines cannot contract Covid-19.  Therefore, any woofers that have been placed under quarantine can now be safely released back into the community.  Yes, folks! WHO let the dogs out! Woof, woof, woof, woof!

 

                                                   



Monday, 2 November 2020

Gonna Lockdown 2 Electric Avenue!

                                                      


In 2019. I don’t go out, sit on the couch nearly all day in pyjamas, drinking bottles of beer, watching Netflix .  The missus reckons I’m a lethargic, overweight, lazy slob! Fast forward to 2020. Same scenario. Now I’m a responsible, moral, pillar of society.  Strange days indeed. Most peculiar, mama!

 

So, Boris has announced yet another lockdown until December 2nd. I’m gonna be opening my advent calendar before I open my front door! Who’d a thowt it!

 

If you were a spider, which make and model of vacuum cleaner would you hate the most?

 

I've found during lockdown I really enjoy mulled wine. I drink one bottle of Malbec and then mull over whether to open another. I only drink whilst having dinner.  I’m down to ten dinners per day now.

 

Finding a mask in your pocket is the new equivalent of finding a fiver!  Wahay! Wetherspoons here we come!

                                                



I was thoroughly depressed when the new lockdown measures came in.  Then I received a text that sez: “I am here for you.”   I didn’t recognise the number, so I replied: “Thank you, that’s really cheered me up.  Who is this?”  Then came the reply: “This is your taxi driver.  I am outside your house...”

 

No Covid vaccine is forthcoming as yet. However, doctors have finally found a cure for Noddy’s tinnitus.  They’ve cut the bell off his hat.

 

The missus asked me to go to the local Co-op.  She sez: “Get a litre of milk and if they have eggs, then get a dozen.  When I returned, she started ranting at me!  “Why in God’s name, have you brought back twelve litres of milk?” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied:   “Because they had eggs!”

 

I went back to get the eggs and return all the milk and I noticed that on the egg box, it bore the legend ‘The eggs in this box have been laid by hens which have been allowed to roam freely.’   With all this new lockdown lark, I never thought I’d be jealous of a chicken! 

 

Boris has completed a degree in politics. In the exams, he got extra marks for not answering the questions.

                                                                               



Non Stick Nora was waxing lyrical and talking about her new job: "I'm in anger management." She sniffed. Barmy Albert replied:  "Jeepers! You're a therapeutic consultant that is really impressive!"  "Therapist?" She laughed, "No, I'm in charge of clothes hangers at the Stockport branch of Primark."

 

Sharon tells her mum that she’s pregnant and her mother asked: “Who’s the father?”  Sharon opined: “Dunno. He was wearing a mask!”

 

Shutting restaurants, bars and pubs for a month does NOT kill the virus. It just kills pubs, bars and restaurants and jobs, lots of jobs and folks livelihoods.  End of rant.


The accounts described in this gloppy column are merely recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text, such as Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become incontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, behave yourself and get back to work!