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Monday, 12 November 2018

What is going on?

                                          


Have you noticed all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Is Putin up to summat, or has that barmy bloke in North Korea fired some manner of missile that has caused poisonous flora and fauna to come cascading down the atmospherically tightly packed isobars and ridges of low pressure moving in from the arctic wastelands? Either way, Theresa May must grasp the nettle and send Boris round with a big brush!



My good lady wants me to take her to Las Vegas to see The Temptations for Christmas. I'm going to Primark to get her the four tops, instead. She sez I could get her anything from The Body Shop. So I got her a front nearside wing for a Ford Focus. No doubt it’ll be the wrong colour. Wives eh! How hard can it be to boil a slice of toast?


                                         

The missus lost her last job through having rheumatism of the shoulder and consequently couldn’t throw the harpoon any more. She’s managed to get a temporary job over the Christmastide period. She’s going gritting over Woodhead.



I was watching Peppa Pig yesterday morning and the wife casually sauntered in and turned off the telly. How childish is that?

                                                      


Cockney folk take note! Regarding ‘Knees Up Mother Brown’. Since time immemorial we northerners have been alarmed to witness your haranguing of an elderly woman. Not only do you insist that the hapless matriarch is obliged to position herself beneath fixtures and fittings, but you also see fit to threaten her with below hip amputation should she have to stoop to do so. Your unfeasible request is surely nigh on impossible to be acceded to whilst sustaining rigidity. Failure to address these shortcomings will result in my obligation to report you to Social Services for abuse. END OF RANT!



I have downloaded Fleetwood Mac voice onto my SatNav. It keeps saying, "You Can Go Your Own Way" wherever I am. So I'm constantly lost! I hear they’re launching a new Sat Nav specifically aimed at old-aged pensioners. When you get where you’re going, it reminds you what you went for. Fascinating!
                                       



I’ve decided to take up a hobby, in order to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day. Barmy Albert has strongly recommended Archery. I walked up to the desk in the leisure centre and asked where to go for the 'Archery for Beginners' class. "Just follow the arrows on the floor." he told me. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

                         


Last night, there was a bloke in my garden wearing a rugby shirt, golfing trousers, tennis shoes and goalkeeper’s gloves. I shouted "Oi! What's your flamin’game".

                                       


Warning: If you receive an email from a website selling tickets for the Spice Girls Reunion World Tour, do NOT click on the link. If you do, it takes you to a website selling tickets for the Spice Girls Reunion World Tour. So exercise extreme caution!



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                 

                            




Monday, 5 November 2018

The Genuine Emergency....

                                                  

I phoned Slimming World and sez: “It’s a genuine emergency, can you send somebody round?” They replied: “Of course, we have got loads of them!”

I’ve put on acres of weight over the summer, primarily because I’ve had a lot on my plate. I thought that I had an overactive knife and fork. I visited the doctor and asked him what I should do. He advised me: “Don’t eat anything fatty”. I sez: “Do you mean like kebabs, pizza, cheeseburgers or pies and chips?” He replied: “No. Don’t eat ANYTHING.... Fatty!”

                                               


In a murder trial, the defence barrister was cross-examining the coroner: "Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?" "No." "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?" "Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."



True or False: Kerry Katona doesn't actually own a cat?



The missus appears to have two major problems:

1) Nothing to wear.

2) No room for all of her clothes.

                                  


You know you live in a posh area when the kids throw quail eggs at your house. When it’s so posh that they eat fish and chips out of an attaché case and they have fruit when nobody is ill. Poor folk used to own horses and rich people had cars. Now it’s the other way round.



Maths made simple. If you have £100 and your missus has £50, then she has £150. I always keep a photo of the wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds why there’s no flamin’ money in there!


Jeremy Kyle show headline: "Did my mum try to drown me as a baby?" – No. You may not be used to it, but it's called a bath. You can tell who wears the tracksuit bottoms in that family!


                                 

Famous Quotes: "Hang on! Where's the triangle player disappeared to?" - Conductor of the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra.

A lorry carrying incontinence pants has shed it’s load on the M67 at Denton. Police are warning of delays due to rubber knickers. I’ll get me hat and coat...

The missus (or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) asked me if I would go to the local Co-op. She gave me strict instructions. She said, "Could you go and get one litre of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen” I dutifully returned with twelve litres of milk. She looked at me with much disdain, then ranted, "Why did you buy 12 cartons of milk?" With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied, "Coz they had eggs!"

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                    



Monday, 29 October 2018

Grace...

             

Mobile phones are not allowed,

Coz people who use them, talk too loud,

This evening is about friendship and good food,

So, please turn them off and don’t be rude,

If you still feel you must use your phone,

Then dial a cab and f**k off home!



Friday, 26 October 2018

The Firework Party....

                              


Barmy Albert’s firework party was a complete disaster. "I don't understand it!" He opined. "They all worked fine when I tried them out yesterday,"

When I was little my mum used to put food on a spoon and say “The trains coming, the trains coming!” I would eat the food because if I didn’t then she wouldn't untie me from the railway track. I’m still always late and prone to being shunted into the sidings. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!
                                      


Meanwhile at Tameside Hospital: Doctor; “I'm just waiting for your X-Ray”. Non-Stick Nora: “But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.” Doctor: “And we need to do a brain scan!”

Twenty years ago I asked a lovely girl out on a date. Then, yesterday I asked her to marry me. Unfortunately, she said refused on both occasions and reminded me about some kind of a restraining order.

                                             


I find that knowing the difference between "chalk and cheese," is advantageous when playing snooker.



Jesus walks in a restaurant with all the disciples and asked the maître d' for a table for 26 people. The maître d' sez: “But there are only 13 of you.” Jesus replies: “Yeah, but we all want to sit on the same side....”



Breaking Showbiz News: Samuel L Jackson had just passed his driving test. From now on he'll be known just as Samuel Jackson


                                        

If any of my readers have been accused of being born in a barn and would like to discuss the matter, then never forget that my door is always open.



I like playing chess with the old men in the park. Sometimes it's hard to find 32 of them though, especially now it’s getting cold weather. It was so cold last weekend, I saw a Labrador frozen to a lamp post.



Paid stupid money for pet insurance and now they won't pay out when my little dog Alfie crashed the car. He’s a really clever dog is our Alfie. When he has a wee, he puts both his front paws on the wall and does it like a standing up, like a human being. This woman asked me how long he’d been doing it like that, I sez: “Ever since a wall fell on him!”



Missing items: I would like to tell the thieving individual who stole my train set, what goes round.... Furthermore, to the geezer who nicked my anti-depressant tablets. I hope you’re happy now!



Tameside Police have confirmed that a bloke who fell into a combine-harvester whilst trying to steal it, has been bailed!



They call it a "Selfie" because "Narcissistic" is too hard to spell. They don’t like it when your authenticity is louder than their facade. Whoever stole my selfie stick needs to take a long look at themselves. Carry on chortling! You can visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: Comedianuk@sky.com


                         

Friday, 19 October 2018

I SPOKE TO YOU IN WHISPERS By Neil Andrew



I SPOKE TO YOU IN WHISPERS
By
Neil Andrew

I spoke to you in whispers
As shells made the ground beneath us quake
We both trembled in that crater
A toxic muddy bloody lake
I spoke to you and pulled your ears
To try and quell your fearful eye
As bullets whizzed through the raindrops
And we watched the men around us die
I spoke to you in stable tones
A quiet tranquil voice
At least I volunteered to fight
You didn't get to make the choice
I spoke to you of old times
Perhaps you went before the plough
And pulled the haycart from the meadow
Far from where we're dying now
I spoke to you of grooming
Of when the ploughman made you shine
Not the shrapnel wounds and bleeding flanks
Mane filled with mud and wire and grime
I spoke to you of courage
As gas filled the Flanders air
Watched you struggle in the mud
Harness acting like a snare
I spoke to you of peaceful fields
Grazing beneath a setting sun
Time to rest your torn and tired body
Your working day is done
I spoke to you of promises
If from this maelstrom I survive
By pen and prose and poetry
I'll keep your sacrifice alive
I spoke to you of legacy
For when this hellish time is through
All those who hauled or charged or carried
Will be regarded heroes too
I spoke to you in dulcet tones
Your eye told me you understood
As I squeezed my trigger to bring you peace
The the only way I could
And I spoke to you in whispers......

The Brexit Gubbins....

                               


Breaking News: Theresa May has announced that the Brexit transition period will be extended until all leave voters have died.



All this Brexit gubbins is driving me doo-lally! Isn't it about time someone called in Noel Edmonds to sort out this deal or no deal thing? Furthermore, will my continental quilt still work when we leave? Moreover, the big problem seems to be with Irish boarder. Well, if he hasn’t paid his rent, then just evict him!

                                         


Because I suffer from dyslexia, everyone has always insisted that I’d be totally useless at poetry. But I’ve proved them all wrong! Just last week, I made two jugs, a vase and a bowl.



What is the difference between a wife and a crossword? You can normally work out where you went wrong with a crossword. She reckons that I possess an immature nature, coupled with a childlike mentality and that we must set some time aside to discuss this unfortunate problem. Now as if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!

                                   

                                                   

I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be. "You said you'd be home from Wetherspoons three hours ago!"



Yesterday, I opened the mail and received a photo from a speed camera in the post.  I sent it back immediately. It was of poor quality and far too expensive.

                                                           


Barmy Albert drags a huge metal box, covered in cobwebs and dead spiders to the Antiques Roadshow, when it was recently visiting Buxton. "Where did you get that from?", the expert asks. "It's been in my loft for fifty-odd years. I think it's a valuable family heirloom", says Albert. "Do you have insurance?" asks the expert. "No, should I?" asks Albert. "Yeah", replied the expert, "It's your water tank."



On a packed train from Manchester and a very attractive young lady gave me a huge smile.
It made me feel young again! Just two minutes later, she stood up and offered me her seat.
Made me feel old again...

                                   


Top Tip: Start preparing for Christmas early by falling out with all your friends and family now!



In a reflective mood, I surmised that as I get older, I begin to remember all the people I've lost along the way and say to myself that maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me...

                                             


Mark Knopfler arrives home carrying a large ornate picture frame and a bag of chips. His missus sez: "Where’ve you been all day?" He replies, "I was at Sothebys and acquired a rare French impressionist painting and I called in the chippy on the way home." "How much cash have you squandered this time?" "Absolutely nowt!" exclaimed Mark, "They were avid Dire Straight fans, so I got the Monet for nothin' and the chips were free."

                                         


If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com