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Sunday 17 March 2024

The Offside Rule Explained....

                                           


Barmy Albert was smoking a cheroot outside The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub, when Dastardly Derek, the landlord came out and curtly informed him that couldn’t smoke outside the premises, unless he was fifteen yards away from the building.  Albert told him that it didn’t apply to him.  The landlord asked Albert why he thought he was excluded from the laws of the land. Albert cheerily replied: “Because I’m drinking in the pub across the road.”

 

A bloke in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted Non-Stick Nora coming out of Aldi below. He descended further and shouted to Nora: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am."  Nora replied, "You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately thirty feet above the ground. You’re between The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and north of Scropton Street abattoir." "You must be in Information technology."  said the balloonist.  "Actually, I am," replied Nora "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip."  Nora responded, "You must be a Tory politician." "Indeed, I am." replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"  "Well," sez Nora: "You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to the position you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it’s my flippin’ fault!”  Moral of the story: Don’t mess with Non-Stick Nora because she’s awesome!

                                                     


The Offside Rule Explained for Ladies: You are in a shoe shop, penultimate in the queue for the cash register. Behind the shop assistant on display, is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you would absolutely die for! The young blonde shopper in front of you has seen them too, and is eyeing them with burning desire.   Both of you have forgotten your purses.   It would be totally rude to push in front of the blonde bimbo if you had no money to pay for the footwear.   The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.   Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your big dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you.   If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.   At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, whilst it is in flight you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes, always remembering that until the purse had actually been thrown it would be just plain wrong to push in front of the other shopper.  Now do you understand?

I sheepishly approached a very beautiful woman in Tesco and said: "I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"  The woman looked perplexed "Why talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a woman as gorgeous as you, the missus just seems to materialise out of nowhere"

 

 I like Aardvarks. Dogs look up to us; cats look down on us, however, Aardvarks treat us as equals. Aardvarks are cool.

 I have found marriage to be very educational. For instance, I had no idea there was a wrong way to put milk in the fridge.

Top Tip: When picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

The missus wants a divorce because of my obsession with metaphors. It was a bolt out of the blue. It took the wind right out of my sails. You could have knocked me down with feather.

A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert…

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke! For more BIG jokes, just visit my websitewww.ComedianUK.com or email me comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!


                                                 


Saturday 9 March 2024

The Knitting Needle Nutter Strikes Again!

 

                                      



What with the pension age being increased, coupled with the current cost of living crisis, we are now forced to toil well into our old age. Yesterday, I spotted a pensioner working in the local supermarket car park collecting shopping trolleys. He must’ve been pushing eighty!

I phoned the local council office, last week and the automated voice announced: “If you’d like to speak in Welsh, please press one.” I pressed one, but I still can’t speak Welsh!

The CEO of a large blue-chip company decided to award a prize of £150 for the best idea of saving the company money during the recession. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.

I bumped into my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert on the High Street. He had two black eyes. I asked him what had happened." He replied, "I was standing behind a rather large woman at the supermarket checkout, I noticed that her dress was caught in the nape of her derriere, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner from?" I politely enquired. "Well, I figured she preferred it the way it was before, so I pushed it back in."

A Scouser got stopped by police coming out of Currys PC World on suspicion of shoplifting. The copper sez to him: "I'm going to perform a search. Do you have anything sharp in your pockets?" The crafty Liverpudlian replied: "No. Only Sony and Panasonic...."

Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert what he’d been up to in the garden shed all morning. "I've made a papier mâché model of Mount Kilimanjaro." He informed her. Nora asked: "Is it to scale?" "No. Just to look at...." Albert replied. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy.

Crimewatch Latest: Tameside Police are hunting the ‘Knitting Needle Nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the last week. Police believe the attacker could be following some sort of pattern.

                       

  

Of course, some folks are so wealthy, they are totally immune and bullet-proof to the present economic downturn. I was watching a faux documentary on Netflix called: ‘Being Victoria Beckham’ and I must confess that I was staggered by the abject affluence that was paraded before my impecunious countenance. Apparently, she owns a top of the range Bentley Turbo and employs a proper liveried chauffeur, complete with uniform and peaked hat. They were bombing it down these narrow country lanes in Hertfordshire, going far too fast for these somewhat precariously cramped thoroughfares, when suddenly, disaster struck! A lone Heffer strayed out of a farm gateway, the chauffeur failed to stop in time and subsequently flattened the poor unfortunate animal onto the tarmacadam. Posh went bananas and screamed at the chauffeur: “If the press get hold of this, there’ll be ructions! Here’s a few hundred quid, go to the farmhouse and sort it out. Keep a lid on it. We want no paparazzi!” The poor chauffeur went and came back four hours later, paralytic drunk, his hat skewiff and a large cigar in his mouth. Posh screamed at him again and asked: “Where’ve you been for the last four hours?” With all the dignity that he could muster, he replied: “they opened a valuable bottle of 50 year-old Macallan Malt Whisky that they kept purely for very special occasions!” She sez: “What exactly did you say to them?” he replied: “All I said was that I was Posh Spices chauffeur and I’ve knocked the cow over and they wouldn’t let me go!”

There was much shenanigans in the bank, yesterday morning. I was in there with the missus. She wasn’t speaking to me, primarily because of my new keep-fit regime. She told me: “You’ve been out four nights running!” Suddenly, the plot thickened and this bloke entered, wearing a balaclava and brandishing a pistol. He sez to the woman in front of us, “Did you see my face, before I put this mask on?” The woman replied, “Yes, I certainly did!” So, he shot her! Oh folly, folly! Then he turned to me and asked me the same question. I replied, “No I didn’t. But the wife did!”

                            



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my www.ComedianUK.com. You can also email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                             

Saturday 2 March 2024

Putin a nutshell....

                                          


You can tell that you're getting old, when you have upstairs Paracetamol and downstairs Paracetamol. Moreover, when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and you begin to wonder if there’s anything else that you could be doing while you’re down there. Of course, back in my day, we had to walk to the telly to change the channel. Uphill. Both ways. In the snow!

Last week, my Facebook account got hacked yet again.  That’s the fifth time that I’ve had to rename the dog!

I was on the train into Manchester, when this bloke sat next to me whipped out his iPhone and showed me a photo of his missus.  He sez: “She’s beautiful isn’t she?” I replied: “If you think she’s beautiful, then you should see my wife.”  He sez: “Why? Is she really gawjus too?”  I replied: “No.  She’s an optician.”

During February (The wettest month on record!) the singer that sang: ”Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head.” Has sadly died.  He was drowned!

I went to get my hair cut last Wednesday and the barber was incessantly chatting about football, cricket, holidays, kids, dogs and it seemed that there wasn’t any subject whatsoever he didn’t cover or indeed comment on.  Suddenly, he declared: “Do you know that your hair is going grey?” I sez to him: “Well, get a move on!”

On the same subject, Putin visits his German hairdresser and as he sits down, the barber gets straight to work with the scissors and asks Putin: “How are matters in the Ukraine, Mr President? Is the army fighting well? How are Navy operations panning out?” Suddenly, Putin snaps: “What’s with all the questions about Ukraine? Are you really interested in the special military operations so much?”  The barber replied: “Not really, Mr President, it’s just so much easier to cut your hair, when it stands on end.” Tragically, the barber was reported to have accidentally fallen out of a window, shortly afterwards and shot himself in the cranium four times after he landed. RIP Herr Kutt.


                              


 

Last week, we said farewell to Stan Bowles. He was 75 and he gained a reputation as one of the game's great non-conformists and mavericks. He played over 250 league games for Queens Park Rangers, and earned five England caps. He famously said: “I blew the lot on vodka and tonic, gambling and fags. Looking back, I think I overdid it on the tonic.”  I used to bump into him at many a sportsman's dinner event and I asked him once: “Why didn’t you join Gamblers Anonymous?”  He replied: “They wouldn’t know where to send my winnings!”

I grilled a chicken for about an hour yesterday. It still didn't tell me why it crossed the road.  I tried cooking with wine too. After six glasses in the kitchenette, I forgot what I had gone in there for!

Many moons ago, when Barmy Albert lived in a block of council flats, up Scropton Street, (behind the abattoir.) He surmised that it was raining and put his hand out the window to verify this fact. As he did so,  a glass eye fell into his hand!  He looked up to see where it came from, just in time to see a young woman looking downwards. "Is this yours?" he asked. She sez: "Yes, it is. Could you bring it up?" and Albert agreed. Upon arrival,  she was profuse in her thanks and offered Barmy Albert a glass of wine. As she was really gorgeous, he agreed.  Shortly afterwards she informed him: "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty of grub, would you like to join me?" Albert readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the young lady announced: "I've had a brilliant evening. Would you like to stay the night?" Albert hesitated then sez: "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"  "Definitely not! she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

                                           


I've learned that things change, life is like a garden gate, people change, you should never trust a Hefferlump and it doesn't mean you forget the past, like when that Romanian circus kidnapped your chihuahua and covered it up with clingfilm. It simply means that you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn't mean giving up. It means accepting that some things weren't meant to be, because the sun can’t swim. So why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington and have a chortle! Now, get back to work!


                                              


Saturday 24 February 2024

The Dead Duck Farrago....

                                            


Yesterday, I contacted Tameside Hospital to advise them that if my wife's condition should deteriorate, I hereby give my permission for them to switch off the life support machine. They curtly  informed me that this isn't an option for a sprained ankle....

I learn summat new every day! If the missus ever sez: "If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."   "Anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic at the end of the M67.

Back in the day, I once met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me: "Where the hell did you find her? She's boss-eyed, bald, bow legged and she's got no teeth." I said, "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf as well.”  When I eventually got her in my bedroom, she proclaimed: “You’ve never removed a girls bra before, have you?” I replied: “What makes you say that?” She replied: “The scissors….”


Fascinating Fact: Bigamy: one wife too many; Monogamy; same thing.


                                       


Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle brought a very limp duck into the veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I’m so sorry, your duck has passed away." A distressed Elsie wailed, "Are you sure?"  "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left them in the room, and returned a few moments later with a huge  black  Labrador Retriever.  As Elsie looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad, eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a Siamese cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced an invoice, which he handed to Elsie. still in shock, she took the bill, "£180! she cried, £180 just to tell me my duck is dead!!" The vet shrugged. "I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now £180.00."

 

 

Non-Stick Nora goes up to the bar her local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife. She gestures alluringly to Cyril, the barkeep, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, Nora seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you in charge tonight?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no, but it’s the landlord’s night off and he’s upstairs" Cyril replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.  "I’m afraid I can’t," breathes Cyril. "Is there anything I can do?"  "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she, continues, running her hands across Cyril’s beard.  "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say out of breath.  "Tell him: "she whispers, "there is no bog roll in the ladies khazi."

                               


Isn’t it very sad, when your kids grow up and leave home to go and stare at their phones somewhere else? You remember all the happy times you’ve had whilst they were little. When my daughter Suzie Nellie (26) was about 5 years old, she had an imaginary friend, who somehow possessed the rather sophisticated nom-de-plume of Copper Du Maze. I was constantly taking the Mickey out of her because of this, however, one day; she got upset and stormed upstairs into her bedroom, slamming the door. I knew that I had to set things straight and went into her room and declared: “I’m very sorry for having a go at you about your imaginary friend and would like to unreservedly apologise.” She looked at me, with tears in her eyes and proclaimed: “Thank you daddy.” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied: “I’m not talking to you; I’m talking to Copper Du Maze.”

 

Barmy Albert is in big trouble again. After attending a party last week in Stalybridge, he was so drunk that when he got to the bottom of the stairs, he took off all his clothes and tiptoed up very quietly, so as not to wake Non-Stick Nora. It was only when he got to the top of the stairs that he realized that he was on the 237 bus!

 

Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!


                              


Sunday 18 February 2024

Yes! We Have No Chinese Chicken Wings....

                                              


It was fancy dress night at The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub. Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora had hired some magnificent costumes and gone dressed as two owls.  They were both playing pool in the games room, when Nora inadvertently potted the white ball. Barmy Albert proclaimed: “That’s two hits to me!” Nora replied: “Two hits to who?”

Went to view a house yesterday, with period features. She hates it when I call her that...

Whenever a woman sez: “We need to talk," why is it never about football? I sez to the missus: "Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of Premier League football?" "It's rubbish." she replied. "Total garbage" "More than likely," I agreed, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...." That’s when the fight started!

Last night, I'd just laid two intricate place settings at the dining room table, using the finest cutlery and crockery, when suddenly the missus walks in and sez, "Ooooh, this a surprise!" I looked at her and replied, "Too flamin' right it is. I didn't expect you back until tomorrow!"

The wife is one of four sisters and they’re all named after stones.  She has a younger sister called Ruby, a wonderful sister called Pearl and a lovely older sister called Sapphire.  The missus is called Pumice.

A drunk staggers into a church, enters the confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the inebriated bloke just sits there in silence.  Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles: "Ain’t no use knockin’, there’s no paper on this side either!


                                         


This little girl sez to her Dad: "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to be funny, the father replies, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I have?" questions the confused kid.... "Deffo," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked: "You mean like my other Daddy does?"

Popped into the local convenience Co-Op store and asked for a box of Ty-Phoo tea bags.  The girl behind the counter said:   "Sorry, it’s off the shelves, due to the Houthi Rebels attacking merchant ships in the Red Sea." I sez:  "Oh alright, do you have any Chinese Chicken Wings?" The shop assistant replied:  "Ah that’s another problem, it’s been withdrawn due to the Asian bird flu health scare.” I composed myself, and proclaimed:  "Well do you have any Turkey Twizzlers?”  "Sorry, not available, due to the health scare" came the repetitive answer. "What about those spicy chicken rissoles topped with goat’s cheese, garlic and sauté potatoes?" I politely enquired. She looked at me with disdain and informed me:   "No, can’t supply that item, due to the current bird flu health scare".  "So, they’re all off the shelves because of the health scare?"  Shop assistant "Yes."  With all the dignity that I could muster, I sez to her: "Just give me forty Lambert and Butler cigarettes, they’ll keep me off the vapes!”  "That’ll be £24.89" came the reply.  Then, to compound an already unfortunate farrago, our budgie died of flu.  It flew under a bus!  Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

I’ve put on acres of timber since Christmas. In a desperate bid to lose weight, I’m employing psychological gubbins. The concept is that you put a photograph of yourself in the nude on the fridge door. When you go for those lethal midnight snacks, you observe that you’re morbidly obese and stop scoffing saturated fatty comestibles etc. Anyway, I put a nude photo of myself on the fridge door last night and the door fell off its hinges!


                             


I was so desperate to shed weight, that I made a doctor’s appointment. I outlined the problem and he told me: “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I asked him if he was referring to cakes, biscuits, pies, pizza or French fries and kebabs. He paused for a moment and then pronounced: “No. Don’t eat anything, FATTY!” Apparently, I have an overactive knife and fork...

An airline pilot wrote that on a particular flight he had hammered his aircraft into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers alighted, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying with our airline."  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a zimmer frame  She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma’am," said the pilot. What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down by the Russians?"

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that in our lifetime, we will never see a scouser on the new BBC ‘Dr Who’ series. Apparently, they don’t want to work in the future either!


Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

                                            






Sunday 11 February 2024

Confessions of Tommy Grabknuckle....

                                                  





I was in Tesco getting a sandwich and a packet of crisps and the young lady on the checkout looked at me and asked me if I wanted to go for a drink.  I told her that I was married and she shouted: “It’s part of the meal deal, you cretin!”

 

A lifelong agnostic, octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle visited his local church to make his confession for the first time in his entire life. When the priest opened the panel in the confessional booth, Tommy told him: “During World War 2, a gorgeous woman knocked on my door and pleaded with me to hide her from the enemy.  So, I hid her in the attic.”  The priest answered: “That was a wonderful thing you did my son, there’s no need to confess about a good deed.” Tommy opined: “It’s worse than that, father, in order to repay my favours, she started to reciprocate by cooking me wonderful meals, baking delicious cakes, pies and performing all the household chores, like doing the washing and cleaning.” The priest went on: “Well if you’re truly sorry for your actions, all those years ago, then you are forgiven.” Tommy sez: “Thank you father, that’s a great weight off my mind, but may I ask you just one question?” The priest replied: “Certainly, what is it that troubles you, my son?” With all the dignity that he could muster, Tommy asked the priest: “Should I tell her that the war is over?”

 

Q) What has five toes and isn't your foot?

A) My foot.


                                              


 

Top Tip: Leaving a door key with a trusted neighbour, saves having to break your window, if perchance you are locked out. If they’re out, you can break their window to get your key.

Non- Stick Nora was in bed with Barmy Albert’s best mate Sid, when the phone suddenly rang. Nora answered and after hanging up, she says: “That was Albert. He won’t be home for a while,  because he’s in the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub playing darts with you!”

Doctor Williams was having breakfast on his day off, with his wife, when he gets a phone call. He hears the voice of his fellow practise GP,  who declares: “We need a 4th for golf.”  His wife asked: “Is it serious?” The doctor replied: “Definitely. There are three other doctors there already!”

 

Chester Draws needed a blood transfusion. However, his blood group was not on record, they asked Elsie, his missus if she knew what it was, in order to save his life, but sadly she had never known it. So, she only had time to hold his hand as he faded away. Elsie would never forget how supportive Chester was during his final hours. He kept on whispering to her: “Be positive. Be positive!” But that was Chester all over, he was always thinking about others.  This is not a typo….

Many years ago (when the dead sea was only ill) I bought a new car. It was a purple car and I found it to be very expensive to run because it guzzled petrol, so it had to go.  I then purchased a blue car and found that it was difficult to maintain, you just couldn’t get the parts.  After that I acquired a red car and found that I had tremendous difficulty in starting the engine each morning, plus the brakes were faulty and it generally had a lot to be desired.  It was designed badly.  After that, I decided to buy myself a yellow car, so I saved up the tops of 100,000 Birds custard packets and before I knew it, the yellow car was my proud possession.  Bad move!  It turned out to have an intermittent electrical fault that would never be cured.  I had no option but to get rid of the vehicle.  These days, I drive a silver car.  No problems whatsoever!  If I could recommend my readers to buy a car, whether it be new or used, leasehold or hire purchase, then a silver car is the one to own.  However, nowadays, the government advise that we ALL should have a green car. We live in strange times.  We have cars that drive themselves and Post Offices that rob themselves, albeit remotely!

 

Riddle me this: If a tree falls in a forest and there’s nobody there, does it make a sound? On that basis, if a man says something in a forest and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Such is technology! Last week, I was in the Apple store in Manchester: "This is the brand new Apple Smart Watch," said the assistant. "It features full mobile phone capability, meaning you can make and receive calls simply by holding it up to your ear. You can send a tweet on Twitter, go into the Facebook chat room and send and receive texts and emails. It also checks your heart rate and is a pedometer and tells you how far you’ve walked" "Sounds great," I said. "But then how would I tell the time?" He replied, "That's what your mobile phone is for." Hmmm, methinks that life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were merely fruits...