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Sunday, 22 October 2017

That Tingly Feeling....

                                             
Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Is that Kim Jong Un from North Korea up to summat? Either way, Theresa May must grasp the nettle, stop coughing and send Boris round with a rake, forthwith! 
                                           

Yesterday morning I was observing a young lady having a hard time reversing her car, so I offered to help. "Get lost!" She yelled. "It's my car, I can do it myself." "Please, I insist," I sez, "I know it's your car, but it's also my conservatory that you're in."


                                       
                                               


The missus sent me a text that sez, "I've found out you've been seeing another woman, you cheating swine! I've packed all my stuff and I'm going to my sister’s house." I texted back: "Okay, I'll see you when you get here."

                                             


I don't like making plans for the day. Primarily, because then the word "premeditated" gets bandied around in the courtroom.

                                   


You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone that you have just met. That's common sense leaving your body. So, now you know!


                                 



I advise all readers that a lot of the old jokes in this column are archived. My Scottish pal wants to know if they'll archive the new..

Folk reckon that I'm eccentric because I ate an abacus.   Well, I think that what inside that counts.

Visitied Primark and purchased a reversible jacket online this morning, and I'm really excited to see how it turns out!

                                     


Thought for Thursday: Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.



The hypnotist class was truly appalling last night. Moreover, I really can’t fathom out exactly why I signed up for another five hundred lessons!



Q) Which Spice girl can carry the most petrol?

A) Geri can...



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                           


Sunday, 15 October 2017

The Old Pound Coins....


                       

Well, I have gotten rid of all my old round one pound coins before the deadline last weekend. All I have to do now is dispose of 59 shopping trolleys.

Q) Which Spice Girl can hold the most petrol?
A) Geri can

I'll never forget how ecstatic I was when I saw the missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was skipped a beat and my pulse was racing. The anticipation was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a big smile and sez: "Wheel that trolley over here, darling. They're doing three cases of Stella Artois, for the price of two!"

Me and the wife went at it like rabbits last night! Not sex, we just ate copious amounts of carrots, twitched our noses and scratched the back of our ears with our feet.
                                         


The missus was away over the weekend, so I sauntered up Scropton Street to my local pub The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife. After imbibing copious tankards of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Bestest British Bitter Beer, I was quite merry and ended up going home with Alice, the barmaid, for a clandestine night of unbridled passion and now I feel really awful. I reckon she must have had the flu or summat....



Quotation :"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." - Albert Einstein



Thought for Thursday: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up...

Two deer walk out of a gay bar.  One sez to the other, "I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there."


Fascinating Fact: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.'



A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert...

                                   


Quiz of the Week:

1)If you’re sailing down a river on a yacht doing 20 knots per hour and your vessel loses a wheel, then exactly how much cement would you require to re-shingle you’re roof?

2) If binge drinking destroys your memory - what does binge drinking do?

Answers on a coastguard please. Matron will pick a winner.

My two kids keep coughing so I took them to see the doctor today. "Do you smoke cigarettes in the house?" the doctor asked me. "Yes." I replied. "About 40 a day." "That's terrible!" He said, shaking his head. "Your habit is probably affecting your children more than it's affecting you. My advice to you would be to give them up." "Fair enough, doc." I said, shaking his hand, "I'll call social services in the morning."



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!


                       

Saturday, 7 October 2017

The Recent Gubbins!

For details of all my recent gubbins, click HERE >>>  Recent Gubbins

The Leaves.....

                                                   


Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Is that Kim Jong Un from North Korea up to summat? Either way, Theresa May must grasp the nettle, stop coughing and send Boris round with a rake, forthwith!


All these old programmes circulating on copious satellite channels!! I was watching the Gadget Show on Dave. I just can't wait to get one of them Walkmans!


Oh folly folly! I put my brand new iPhone under the pillow last night and went to kip. When I awoke, it had disappeared and a pound coin was in its place. Could this have been the Bluetooth fairy?

                                                   


Surreal Joke of the Century: A male frog goes to see a clairvoyant. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog becomes ecstatic, "This is absolutely fantastic! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."



Thought for Thursday: Never forget that if you help a man when he is in trouble, he will always remember you when he is in trouble again....



While I was walking the dogs, I discovered a suitcase in the woods containing four fox cubs. I phoned the RSPCA and the woman there asked me: "Are they moving?" I sez, "I don't know, but that would certainly explain the suitcase..."

                                                     


The hypnotist class was truly appalling last night. Moreover, I really can’t fathom out exactly why I signed up for another five hundred lessons!



Barmy Albert always said "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more"  Great bloke but a terrible anaesthetist...



I’ve been swapping the wife’s chocolate bar wrappers around!!! She hates it when I do that.
She tends to get her Snickers in a Twix!



Non-Stick Nora went to a job interview: "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker." "Can you give me an example?" "Yes, when do I start?"



Top Tip: Turn an ordinary settee into a sofa bed, by simply by forgetting your wedding anniversary.


I'm getting really annoyed with certain folk who fail to accept responsibility for things, but please don't quote me on this...


If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                        

Thursday, 28 September 2017

The Season...

                           


The missus sez I'm very immature and that I possess a childlike mentality and we need to set some time aside to discuss this unfortunate problem. Now as if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!

Childhood recollections: When I was a little kid, my father only ever hit me once but I'll never forget it. He was in a Ford Cortina.


                                               



I went to the doctors today to get my test results. He said, "I'm not going to sugar coat it"
"Why not?" I asked, "Is it summat serious?" "No, it's diabetes!” I saw Barmy Albert in the doctor’s waiting room. He curtly informed me that that he had the worst case of haemorrhoids that the doctor had ever seen in 40 years of being a GP. I asked him if that was why he was sat on a bean bag. Albert gazed at me, with eyes like burning embers and replied: “Have another look....”


The doctor told me to take up an activity that would keep me out of the pub. So I’ve started smoking...

                                                


We went to see Disney on Ice. Neither of us was impressed at all. It was just some old bloke in a fridge freezer...



I sez to the wife, "It looks like Angela Merkel has got a fourth term and we're lumbered with Theresa May." She replied, "It's a good thing that is. If women ruled the world, there'd be no more wars." I sez, "Yeah, that's very true, because wars require logic and strategy." Unless your name is Kim Jong Un, that is....



Tesco Shepherds Pie: Right! I've removed my sleeve and filmed it. What next?


                                    
 


The phone went yesterday; they’ll nick anything round here! Anyway, I digress. When I answered it, this voice proclaimed:"Hello, is that Mr Knight?” I sez: “Yes.” The voice declared: “This is The Official Receivers Office." I replied: "Are you winding me up?”

I get strange phone calls on a constant basis. On Monday, it was BT. The woman curtly informed yours truly, that if I didn’t pay the bill within the next 7 days, there were to disconnect the phone. I told her straight! I sez: “You’re bill is in a queue...” Mind you, British Gas told me that I had the BEST gas bill on my street. They told me that it was outstanding!


I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: Comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                                       




Saturday, 23 September 2017

The Ban....

                                             


Don’t you reckon that it is ironic that after his driving conviction, Wayne Rooney now has more points than Everton Football Club?


I was languishing in my local pub, the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife last weekend, when Barmy Albert tottered in and proceeded to imbibe copious tankards of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. "Is everything okay, matey?" I asked him. "Non-Stick Nora and me got into an argument about how to wash a flock mattress properly. It turned into a terrible bitter row and she swore blind that she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things, I sez, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a bit of peace and quiet?" Albert gazed at me and opined: "Yeah, but today is the last day!”

Culinary confusion! I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. Maybe I should have put it on aloha setting.

Women are so fickle! I came home the other day and the missus asked me if I could spare her a moment. She sez: “Have you ever seen fifty quid all crumpled up?” I replied: “No!” She put her hand in her purse and brought out a £50 note, which was screwed up into a ball and placed it on the scullery table. She went on: “Have you ever seen twenty quid all crumpled up? I replied: “Definitely not!” She then went into her handbag and produced a £20 note, also screwed up into a ball, which she placed on the table. She then asked me if I had ever seen £24,500 all screwed up. I sez: “Never in my lifetime!” She then asked me to go and have a look in the garage....
                                                   
So it just goes to show that a woman is a person that can spot a blond hair on a man’s lapel at 4 am in the morning in a dark bedroom, but can’t see the garage doors, with the headlamps on main beam!
                                               




                                                           
Thought for Thursday: If somebody says to you "it's not the money, it's the principle," then it's definitely the money...

Just ordered an Uber cab to take me to airport to catch my Ryanair flight to North Korea. Been planning this holiday for years. What can possibly go wrong?

At the end of Hollyoaks last night it said, "If you have been affected by any issues raised in this programme then ring this helpline". So I phoned the number and told them; "I can't act either".

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                           

Friday, 15 September 2017

The Way Things Are....


           

The missus suggested we spice up our sex life by playing ‘Doctors and Nurses’, so I put her on a trolley and left her for two days in the corridor. She visited that there Anne Summers shop in Stockport and purchased some edible underwear and a pair of handcuffs. Well I don’t eat her cooking, so I’m not gonna eat her vest, am I? She sez: “If you take me upstairs with these handcuffs, you can handcuff me to the bed and do anything that you desire!” So I handcuffed her to the bed and went down Wetherspoons!

                                             
Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were sauntering along Carnaby Street in London. Albert looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that immediately caught his eye. The sign bore the legend, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".    He sez to Nora:"Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Stalybridge, we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking 'cause if they hear our northern accents, they might think we're daft and try to diddle us, so I’ll put on me best cockney accent." "No problem, Albert, I’ll keep me gob shut while you’re doing the business" replied Nora. They go in and Albert declared in a posh voice, "Hello my good chap, I’ll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me van up ready to load ‘em ion." The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're northern folk, aren't you?" "Well yes," said a surprised Albert. "What gave it away?" The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners."
                                                 

Quiz of the Week: How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and ask a grand for it.

I was seriously considering of upgrading and moving into a more expensive flat. But I don't have to now, as my landlord has put the rent up. When he told me he was raising the rent. I sez: “Thank God for that. I can’t!

I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!