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Sunday, 19 January 2020

Bamboozled by Technology?

                                             


Are you bamboozled by technology? I most certainly am. It doesn’t matter how hard I try, it’s virtually  impossible to beat my computer at chess. However, kick boxing is another matter...

                                     


DFS are launching a waterproof sofa that will do 30 knots. Apparently, there's a sail on...

                         
                                 

This bloke comes home early from work, only to discover his best friend in bed with his wife. Anger took over and he got a gun and shot him dead! His wife looked up at him in a bewildered fashion and exclaimed, “If you carry on like this, you’re gonna have no friends left.” It just goes to show that every woman has a little Marilyn inside of her. You just have to find out if it's Monroe or Manson!

                                 


Barmy Albert sez to Non-Stick Nora “I honestly don’t understand cloning.” Nora replied: “That makes two of us!"



What with all the globular warming and subsequent climate change gubbins, my neighbour has just bought one of those new fangled electric cars. It's a Volts-wagon. I wonder if you have to have a current license to drive it?

                                           


I had my first parachute jump over the weekend and I was absolutely petrified. This bloke strapped himself to me and we jumped out. As we plummeted in a downward spiral, he sez: "So how long have you been an instructor?"

                                                         
         

Art, Bart and Fargo are three regular characters who frequent my local pub, ‘The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife.’ They were languishing in the games room the other night enjoying a few pints of Farquaharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer, when they decided to participate in the weekly raffle. They bought five £1 tickets apiece, upon seeing it was for the ‘Unknown Warriors Mother Fund’ charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they had each won a prize! Art won the first prize - a bottle of malt whiskey. Bart was the winner of the second prize – A magnum of champagne. And Fargo won the tenth prize - a toilet brush. When they met in the pub a week later, Fargo asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Bart "I love malt whiskey, but this Talisker is not quite as smoky as those found on Islay but still packs an enjoyable peaty punch.” “ I simply adore champagne, however, this bottle of Moet Rosé was wildly refreshing with an intense strawberry aroma and notes of red fruit and fresh pear," exclaimed Art. "And how's the bog brush, Fargo?" "Not very good," Fargo replied, "I reckon I'll go back to Andrex..."

                                                         



Thursday Thought: A teacher affects eternity; He can never tell where his influence stops. Henry Brooks Adams

                                       


If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, assume a comical position, and strike the pose dude!



Friday, 10 January 2020

The Veganuary Syndrome....

                                          


Now, we can all try this. Firstly, shave your head, then if you put your thumb in your ear, then stick your index finger up one of your nostrils and then your middle finger in your gob, you’ll find you can pretend your head is a ten pin bowling ball. Now, try and get a strike!

                                           



Yesterday, I had the good fortune to meet Bruce Lee's vegan brother. His name is Brocco Lee. I hear on the grapevine that Meat Loaf has gone vegan too and now wishes to be referred to as Malt Loaf. How can you ascertain exactly who is a vegan? You don’t have to. They’ll tell you! Moreover, veganism is now recognised as a philosophical belief in a court of law. The defendant in a recent case stated under oath:” I think, therefore I yam....”

                                          


Just been in B&Q and there was a massive sign that bore the legend ‘Stainless Steel Sinks.’ I thought to myself: ‘I already know that!’ Then to compound an already absurd scenario, there bloke in front of me at the checkout and he had just bought a tube of that 'No More Nails' and a hammer! What's all that about then?

                                      


I noticed this in my local newspaper small ads: We are a bijou and exclusive restaurant in the centre of Tameside and are looking for stand-up comedians to perform in our main room to promote their material and maybe sell their CD's. This is not a regular gig, but only for special events which will hopefully turn into a nightly event, in due course, if we get positive response. Lots of observational comedy is required and no political or racist humour would be acceptable. Are you interested in promoting your work? Then get in touch and let us know, by return.

                                         I replied thus: Happy New Year 2020! I am a professional comedian, domiciled in a large house and I'm searching for a suitable restaurant proprietor to attend my gaff in order to promote his/her fine-dining outlet by making dinner for me and all my mates. This is not a regular gig but only for special functions which will eventually turn into a regular event, providing I get some excellent feedback from all my venerable associates. I would stress that it's definitely unacceptable for any of your staff who voted Remain or may have supported a second referendum. If you're genuinely interested in promoting your business, then I urge you to contact me by return, forthwith, at your earliest possible convenience.

                                   


Thursday Thought: You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you...



                                              


If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t wanna do summat, you’ll find an excuse. Why don’t you find a way to visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and don’t make any excuses! Now, get back to work!

                                                               

Monday, 6 January 2020

The Big Gig!



                                            



I noticed this in my local newspaper classified free ads: 

We are a bijou and exclusive restaurant in the centre of Tameside and we are looking for stand-up comedians to perform in our  main room to promote their material and maybe sell their CD's. This is not a  regular gig, but only for special occasions which will hopefully turn into a weekly event, in due course, if we get positive response. Lots of observational comedy is required and no political or racist humour would be acceptable.  

Are you interested in promoting your work? Then get in touch and let us know, by return.

                                          



                                 


I replied thus:

Happy New Year 2020! I am a professional comedian, domiciled in a large house and I'm searching for a suitable restaurant proprietor to attend my gaff in order to promote his/her fine-dining outlet by  making dinner for me and and all my mates. This is not a regular gig but only  for special functions which will eventually turn into a weekly event, providing I get some excellent feedback from all my venerable associates. I would stress that it's definitely unacceptable for any of your staff who voted Remain or may have supported Corbyn and/or any Labour Party anti-Semitic propaganda or indeed a second referendum.

If you're genuinely interested in promoting  your business, then I urge you to contact me by return, forthwith, at your earliest possible convenience.

www.ComedianUK.com

                       
                         

                             
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Thursday, 2 January 2020

Twelve Reasons That The New Year Party Is Over....


                    

1) You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2) Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3) You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

4) You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

5) You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

6) You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

7) You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

8) You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the wardrobe.

9) You refill your glass from the fish tank.

10) You tell everyone you have to go home and the party's at your place.

11) You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

12) You yawn at the biggest bore in the room and realise you're in front of the hall mirror.

                          

Tuesday, 31 December 2019

Happy New Year 2020! Wahay!



I always find New Year's Eve quite stressful. I visited the doctor and I've been diagnosed with Auld Langxiety.



At exactly 12.02 pm on New Year's Eve afternoon, my Welsh friend texted me 'Blwyddyn Newydd Dda'    I thought: ‘He's started drinking early!’
                                               
                                  
There was a big fight over the Christmas holidays. Apparently, a Bandit called Rocky went Crackers, and hit a Penguin over the head with a Club tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribband, then made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hob- Nobbing with a Ginger Nut. Two accomplices, one known as Garibaldi and the other known only as Rich T. Unfortunately, they don’t have a crumb of evidence, so the Jammie Dodger might get away with it! Christmas Crackers!

                                                 Am I a Joke to you, Austin?
                           


To all my friends and family who I gave the present of a book for Christmas, just mentioning that they have to be returned to Glossop library by the end of the January.

                                                         

I asked the parachute shop owner, "What will happen if it doesn't open?" He said, "Bring it back with the receipt and we will refund you." What a decent bloke, I can't argue with that.

                                   


Apparently the Finnish language has a word "kalsarikkanit", which roughly translated means "sitting at home in your underwear drinking alcohol, with no intention of going anywhere." Can any of my readers please suggest other single words for multi-tasking? Answers on a coastguard please. Matron will choose a winner.

                                           


A policeman pulled Barmy Albert over on New Year’s Eve. He curtly informed him: "You've got no tax or insurance, furthermore, your front nearside tyre is completely flat, you've got a can of lager in your hand and to compound an already unfortunate farrago, you are not wearing a seatbelt!" Albert replied: "I'll see you tomorrow then...." "What's that supposed to mean?" asked the copper. Albert sez: "Hang on a minute, officer, I'm on the phone."

RIP Kenny Lynch.
We were in a restaurant once and scribbled on a napkin over 100 rhyming slang for piles. We started off with Farmers & Chalfonts and then expanded it to over 100! Maybe we made some up, like Sheepdog (Trials) and Sandy Lyles , Sieg Hyles & Bathrooms (Tiles), Tate & Lyles, Nobby Stiles......Happy days.


Friends, don’t worry about what you have scoffed between Christmas and New Year. Just worry about what you eat between New Year and Christmas!
                                                                 



Non-Stick Nora took her ten year old grandson swimming yesterday. She sez: "If you can make it to the other side, I’ll buy you an Apple iPad for your birthday” So off he went, but after a while he vanished from sight! Nora still doesn’t know if he actually made it to Calais or not.

                                 


Fascinating Fact: The irresistible urge to roar like a lion is never more than a whim away.


                                     

In 2020, walk away from folk who put you down. Walk away from disagreements that will never be amicably resolved. Walk away from trying to please people who will never see your true worth. The more you walk away from scenarios that poison your soul, the healthier and happier you will be! There are those that I've walked with in my life. There are those that I have walked past. There are those who've walked all over me and then there are many I truly wish I could walk alongside right now.

 If you fancy a chortle this New Year, then visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington. Happy New Year Folks! Wahay!

Monday, 2 December 2019

Yuletide Shenanigans....

                                  


I sez to the missus: “Oi Fishface! What do ya want for Chrithmuth?” She shouted:”Don’t get lippy!” I replied: “Right! Mascara it is then!”


                                          

It cost a staggering £10 to go see Santa Claus at a large Manchester department store and forced to wait in a long queue for well over an hour. All that was forthcoming was a two minute meeting with Santa and a cheap mass produced plastic toy. What a rip-off con job that was! I’m just so glad I never took the kids...

                                                     


I asked Father Christmas for a Bentley Turbo and he told me be more realistic. After thinking for a moment, I asked him for a trustworthy political party to be voted in on December 12th. He asked what colour Bentley Turbo I fancied......

                                  


I didn't buy an advent calendar this year so I've decided to open a kitchen cupboard every day and eat whatever's inside there. I had a bottle of Worcester sauce today!



At the Christmas staff gathering, when people tell me, "You're going to regret that in the morning", I sleep until the afternoon, primarily because I'm a problem solver.

                                    


My missus can do a far better West Midlands accent than me, which just goes to show that the female of the species is more Dudley than the male.

                                                                     


My daughter just came running up to me; "daddy daddy! I've changed my mind. I don't want a bike for Christmas any more!" "Why not?" I asked. "Because I've just found one behind the wardrobe."



While my neighbour, Barmy Albert was away visiting relatives last Christmas, I was tasked with looking after his pet snake. However, it escaped and crawled into our chest freezer and subsequently perished. I was so worried; I asked Non-Stick Nora how I could explain this unfortunate occurrence to Albert. She replied: “Just give it to him straight!” That’s when the fight started!

                                       


Did you know that there is not a single canary on the Canary Islands and the same thing goes for the Virgin Islands. Not a single canary there either!

                                                  


I’ve just tried to scrape the ice off my car windscreen with a B&Q discount card. It was rubbish. I only got 10% off...

                                       


Fascinating Fact: Charlie Sheen is American, Michael Sheen is British, but Mr Sheen is Polish.



This whimsical Christmastide column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, tinselly tonsils, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting & inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than Santa’s elves. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes & Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com


                                  

Friday, 15 November 2019

Up the Apps!

                                                     


Last year, I bought my daughter Suzie an iPad for Christmas and an iPod for her birthday. The missus got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't pleased, especially when I explained it could be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean Apps. Unfortunately, this automatically enabled the iNag App. I can’t shut it off either, it just keeps on and on...

                                        



Some of these young whippersnappers treat their respective partners and Apple iPhones in very much the same manner. When they get a brand new one, it's all they can think about, consuming their entire animate existence by wanting to play with it all the time and cannot imagine not being with it on a constant basis. Then after about a year or so, it's still there and a part of their everyday life, but they'll start getting a tad bored with it and start thinking about other newer and more state-of-the art units. After seeing their peers go through several futuristic generations, they'll compare models and decide whether to stick with the one they already have, or get an upgrade. Some folk even keep their old one knocking around for a bit because it does things that the new one doesn't do, but once the new model accomplishes these tasks, then the old one becomes a thing of the past. Up the Apps! Technology, doncha just love it!



If you've ever lost your iPhone, take solace in the thought that maybe, just maybe, a large family of mice have now acquired a giant flat-screen TV.

                                          


Oh folly folly! I put my brand new iPhone under the pillow last night and went to kip. When I awoke, it had disappeared and a pound coin was in its place. Could this have been the Bluetooth fairy?

                                     


There was a spotty precocious youth sat on the back pew in the church at a funeral. He was talking into his iPhone, bemoaning the fact that 'funerals were boring' and 'there's no flamin’ Wi Fi in this church', when the priest approached him and proclaimed:" You are an ignorant imbecile, show some respect!" The scrote gazed at the priest and asked: "Is that all lower case, mate?"

                                


Quiz of the Week:

(Q) How do you milk sheep?

(A) Launch a new Apple iPhone and put a price tag of £1,000 on it.



The good news is that you are allowed more than 15 laughs a day! Go ahead and double the dose and make it 30 times today. (You may begin to notice your relationships improving!) Then double it again! You are bound to feel better, you will cope with problems more effectively and people will enjoy being around you.

                                                                       




Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington, if this made you chortle, which is my ultimate goal, then share your laughter with your friends and family. Laughter: it's good medicine, it's completely organic, it can be shared, it is recyclable and it's absolutely free!