Chris Huhne & John Terry Latest...

Breaking News: Chris Huhne's missus is going to succeed John Terry as England Captain. Apparently, she is brilliant at taking penalties...


Premier league managers Kenny Dalglish, Arsene Wenger, Harry Redknapp, Andre Villas-Boas and Alex Ferguson were all sitting in a pub. Wenger goes up to the bar, buys the first round. Villas-Boas buys the second, Redknapp buys the third (via his accountant). Fergie buys the 4th and Kenny buys the 5th, but doesn't return with a drink for Sir Alex "Where's mine?" Fergie asks, "Sorry" says Kenny"...." this is the 5th round and you're not in it...."

I hear that Kenny Dalglish has dismissed rumours that Andy Carroll will be shown the door this month. Dalglish said: "We have shown him the goal for many months now and he hasn't managed to hit it, so it’d be a complete waste of time showing him the door."

Yesterday, I walked past a pub sign that read ‘Three courses for £10.00.’ I really feel sorry for all those students paying about nine thousand quid for just one course and they’ll be in debt until they are middle aged. Fascinating!

Someone was saying that it was hypocritical for MP’s to cap benefits at £26,000 a year when they get paid more than twice as much a year. In fairness though, they do have twice as many households as everyone else.

Whilst I was watching the footie last weekend, the cat came in and said "If you need me, I'll be in the shower.” I sat there thinking to myself that something was rather unusual about that. Five minutes later it dawned on me. Cats aren't supposed to like water.

I always wanted to work in the newspaper industry so I decided to take a degree at Manchester University in Media Studies. My parents said it was a waste of time and money and would never lead to a job. However, five years later, guess who delivers their newspaper every day?

My wife was on the computer today and she said, "It's just crashed on me." I said, "Is there anything you can't crash?" She went out in the car last week and when she came back home, she informed me, “Well, the airbag works”. Aaaargh!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

Barmy Albert has just got a new Sat-Nav. It's driving him doo-lally. It's has Bonnie Tyler’s voice on it and it keeps telling him to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart! Technology> Donchaluvvit!

I hope my new book does well. It's called "How to be concise and get straight to the point using the minimum of diminutive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible without overly long descriptions and explanations."

Life is a tough proposition, nobody said it was going to be easy anyway and the first hundred years are the hardest. Visit my website and make it seem a lot longer! Just click on www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                                                               How it happened....

The managers indecision is final...

I hear on the grapevine that 'King' Kenny  Dalglish has firmly dismissed rumours that Andy Carroll will be shown the door at the end of this month. Dalglish said: "We have shown him the goal for many months now and he hasn't managed to hit it, so it’d be a complete waste of energy showing him the door.

Breaking News: Harry Redknapp has been fined for contempt of court. The trial judge repeatedly warned him to stop nodding and winking the jury....



If perchance Man Citeh fail to win the league this year, what would be the odds on Mancini leaving? After all, it's not like an Italian to desert a sinking ship is it?

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade....

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser,  who responded thus:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"   "We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."   "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"

Breakfast in Med? or Roll Over Boat Haven? The Capsized Costa Concordia Captain Castigated!

A Glaswegian couple have refused to be rescued from the stricken liner.  They told rescue operation divers "F**k off! We're on All-Inclusive!"


I was my local pub The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife last night, for the weekly quiz night. The first question was "By what other name is Britain's Gross Domestic Product also known?"  Apparently "The Missus" wasn't the answer they were looking for. Hmmm, may have to Google that one!

A fella comes home from work only to find his son playing on a new Xbox: "how did you afford that Xbox, they cost up to £200" "Easy dad, I earned it hiking." The guy replied “I don’t understand, how did you earn money hiking?” The lad sez, “ When I come home from school and Uncle Tommy is here with mum, he always gives me a tenner and tells me “hey kid, go take a hike.”

Barack Obama has announced that US defence spending will be cut to $660 billion a year, meaning that the USA no longer has the highest annual defence budget in the world.  That honour now goes to Manchester City Footbal Club!.

Three boy scouts were talking. First one sez, “They’re bringing back ‘Bob A Job’ week.” The second scout replies, “What’s a bob?” The third one asks, “What’s a job?”

A young boy went to a horse auction with his father. He watched his father move from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, the boy asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"   His dad replies, “It’s to ensure that the animal is fit and has no injuries, before you buy it.”   The lad thought for a minute and said, “I think Albert from next door wants to buy mummy.”...

I phoned that insurance company that constantly advertises on telly today and said, "I would like you to save me £400 on my car insurance like you did for the guy in your advert." "Okay" they said, "How much is your car insurance at the moment?" I said, "£400."

The missus said, "New year, same old lazy you. I hope you've got something good planned for Valentines day." I said, "I have indeed. I think I'll take the Christmas decorations down."

I was talking to my Nan the other day when suddenly, I then realised that everyone else in the Indian Restaraunt was giving me weird looks.

Thought for Thursday: The brain is a most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.

"Come on in," I said to the neighbour at the front door. "I'd rather not," she said, "I've got dirty feet." "That doesn't matter," I said. "You can keep your shoes on."

Sometimes, we discover that we have hidden talents. Whilst organising a day out, I phoned The Blue Planet Aquarium on the Wirral. They said my call may be recorded for training Porpoises. Incredible!!

All this January sales lark gubbins ain't all it's cracked up to be, I went to Boots, they don't sell boots, went to Currys, they dont sell curry, went to Selfridges, they don't sell fridges, and as for that Virgin Megastore, well what a f***ing let down that was!

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower, do you have more fun, or do you just get lots more light? www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Cheer up, the spring is-a comin’! Now, get back to work!

Antony Worrall Thompson Jokes.... (to be taken with a pinch of salt)

Photo courtesy of Ready-Steady-Crook

Antony Worrall Thompson is accused of stealing ten bottles of wine. The Crown Prosecution Service said he'd have to go away and nick two more bottles before they could make a case of it...

Q) Why did the chicken cross the road?
A) Because it was stuffed up Mr Worrall Thompsons jacket, Your Honour.

 I visited Antony Worrall Thompson's restaurant last week.  The Maitre d sez "Do you have any reservations?"  "Well I'm bit worried that you'll nick my hat and coat".

Antony Worrall Thompson has been caught shoplifting cheese? How Dairy!

The Worral Thompson Omelette Recipe: First, you steal six eggs...

Apparently, they're ALL at it!! Nigella Lawson just been spotted coming out of Harrods with what looked like two melons up her jumper!!

Antony Worrall Thompson can now be found on Twitter.However, the only person following him is a security bloke.


This year, Christmas was superb at the Worrall Thompson house. They enjoyed a lovely Stollen cake, not forgetting stolen cheese, and wine as well.

Try the New Anthony Worrall Thompson Diet, cheese, wine, then porridge..

Worrall Thompson latest:  It really looks like he is going to be serving Thyme.

More to follow!!!

And that was only for starters!!

2012 ~ Get Out Of That Rut!!

Happy New 2012! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year.

Breaking News: Diane Abbot has just received an eight match ban and a £40k fine.

More Breaking News: Sir Alex Ferguson is set to recall Bobby Charlton for the game against Liverpool on 29th Jan.  Moreover, if any City fans out there are feeling upset and need some Kompany, feel 3-2 pop round!

My next-door neighbour, Barmy Albert asked me, "What's the most you've ever paid for sex?"   "Marriage," I replied.  Upon reflection, marriage is like a deck of cards really.  You start off with two hearts and a diamond, then ten years down the line, you wish you had a club and a spade....


I sincerely wish that Michael Barrymore (who once owned the most perilous stretch of water in the UK) is invited into the Big Brother house to give swimming lessons to Frankie Coccoza.  If my wish is granted, then let's hope that Frankie is able to do a length!

New Movies: I've just been to see The Iron Lady. She is so professional and is the only person who really knows how to get the creases out of my shirts.  Seriously though, I'd have thought that Robert Downey Jnr would have had at least a cameo role in this movie. 

Wayne Rooney, the spud-faced nipper, has been suspended by Sir Alex ‘The Hairdryer’ Ferguson because he went out on Boxing night, when he should have been at home, toasting his toes in front of the fire. Rooney has had to participate in extra training sessions and has received a hefty fine rumoured to be in the region of £200,000 from Manchester United for his misdemeanours. What a coincidence! I too have been in serious trouble with the missus, because of my New Year keep fit regime. She is whingeing because I have been out the last four nights running. Having said that, the missus and I both share the same sense of humour. We have to. She ain’t got one! She does light up the room however, whenever she moves away from the window!

2012 technology is already here and available! Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut. Fascinating!

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales". "Why do you think that ?" he said. "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says    "stit ruoy su wohs".

My New Year Wish: All I ask is one chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

New Year Resolution: I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and goes back to her mother.

I bought my daughter an iPad for Christmas and an iPod for her birthday. The missus got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She gazed at my smug countenance with the utmost disdain, especially when I explained it could be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean Apps. Unfortunately, this automatically enabled the iNag App which in turn corrupted the iBooze function. So I ain’t been down the pub all week. Modern Technology ~ Doncha just luv it

Although there may have been lots of jokes that you may not have found particularly funny in this blog during 2011, please rest assured that I intend to continue this all the way through 2012. I made a point this week to finish off a few things that I have started. So today, I’ve finished off half a bottle of vodka, a tin of Quality Street, two cans of lager that I found at the back of the kitchen cupboard and a large packet of Nachos, that went ‘out of date’ last September. They tasted okay to me! Visit my website: http://www.comedianuk.com/
 or email me: comedianuk@sky.com  Now, get back to work!

Alzheimers/Dementia/Memory Loss. Have I already told you this?

Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old .


Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their

wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is

concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they

spend the entire night together.



After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the

expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door

opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and

she prepares to go to sleep.


After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door,

and it's Roger. He is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised,

Jenny consents. When the newly-weds are done, Roger kisses his bride,

bids her a fond good night and leaves.



She is set to go to sleep again but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is

back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old,

ready for more action, which they enjoy once more.



But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I

am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and

so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were

only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'



Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I

have been in here before?'





Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.



PS. Have I already sent this to you ?

Just found out my grandad has dementia.  I just hope and pray that it doesen't run in the family, because my grandad has got it as well.

The singer Glen Campbell has the dreaded malady of dementia too.  Apparently, he's getting cards and letters from people he don't even know!