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Sunday, 13 August 2017

The Match...



I attended a fantastic charity football match last Sunday. The Saint John's Ambulance 11 v the Tameside Hypochondriac Society 11. There was three hours of injury time!



Cricket explained in a nutshell: You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game Simple innit!





A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland stream on the famous golf course at St Andrews. Suddenly, a green keeper shouts: “Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sharn an’ waspish!” The golfer replies: “Excuse me, my good fellow, I'm from England, could you repeat that for me, in English, please!?' The keeper replies: “I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!”



Old Jokes Home: A geezer sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. He sees a mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." the dog replies. "So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running." The fella is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten quid." The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Cause he's a liar. He's never done any of those things!"





The world's shortest fairy tale: Once upon a time, a fella asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said "No." And the guy lived happily ever after!





If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                      


Friday, 4 August 2017

The Gubbins....

                      


We were so poor when I was a kid. My mother taught me to speak Japanese. When the rent man came knocking, I would open the door and say: “Shintin”. My dad was a workaholic. If you mentioned work, he’d disappear down the pub! I always thought that he was employed by a company that manufactured toilet rolls and light bulbs, because that’s all he ever brought home.

                               


I've booked a super exotic foreign holiday for the missus and her mother. MY treat too! They are to go waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay.


                              

Going into a teenagers bedroom, is just like a trip to IKEA. You pop in, just to have a quick shufty around and end up leaving with six cups, a variety of plates, three bowls, copious amount of cutlery and a tea towel!
                               



I have been informed that the police want to interview me. Well I genuinely cannot recollect even applying for a job!

                                                   


During the Sunday service, an evangelical preacher invites people in need on to the stage. "Brother" he says to the first bloke, "What is your need ?" "I need help with my hearing," the fella answers. The preacher sticks his fingers in the man's ears, wiggles them and prays. "How's your hearing now?" he asks. "I don't know" says the geezer, "It's not till next Tuesday..."



Fascinating Fact: Henry VIII's second wife would never rush into a room. She'd just amble in.....



Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 employees at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and some staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

                                            


Police in Tameside want to interview a man wearing frilly knickers and a bra. However, the Chief Constable has insisted they wear their uniforms.



Thought for Thursday: I was disappointed to find that Dunkirk isn't a biography of William Shatner.

                                            


A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. I fondly recollect the first time I took a girl back to my bedroom and removed her bra. She whispered to me: "You've never done this before, have you?" I sez, "How do you know that?" She replied, "The scissors...."



Some folk find it extremely difficult to laugh at themselves. This is where I come in! Fancy a cheeky chortle or a giant guffaw? Then look no further. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and visit my Jokey-Bloggington. You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!


                                    

Friday, 28 July 2017

The Axe Murderer....



I cleared out my grandmother’s house yesterday, I put all the good stuff on eBay and I took the rest down to the car boot sale and some to the charity shop, I then went to the estate agent and put her house on the market. You should have seen her face when she got back from Bingo!

                               


I was peering over the fence at the neighbour's derriere yesterday, until the missus appeared. "Nice view?" she said icily. "Eh?" I stammered, "Yeah right. I just thought her next door had the same bikini bottoms as you, darling." "And does she?" she shot back, arms folded, and face like a bulldog, chewing a wasp. "Almost" I sez, "But they're about three sizes smaller...." That’s when the argument started!


                      



This bloke stuck his head in the barbers shop and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut, mate?" The hairdresser gazed around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same fella stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Albert. Do me a favour. Follow that bloke and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, his friend returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Barmy Albert looked up, tears in his eyes, and said, "Your house."

                          




The missus picked me up from the airport last week. I asked her: "Have you valeted this car?" She replied: "No, why?" I told her: "It stinks of Shake ‘n Vac" She replied: "You cheeky devil. That's my perfume!"



                         


Thought for Thursday: If an egg is broken by an outside force, then life ends. If is it broken by an inside force, then life begins. Great things only happen from the inside!


                          

I had a really awful time, yesterday. In the morning, I got assaulted by a medieval poet, and then in the afternoon, I accidentally slipped on a hot-dog!. Things just went from Bard to Wurst. Anyway, I digress. Why not visit my webbensiten? Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and visit my world famous Jokey-Bloggington! You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

                             


Sunday, 23 July 2017

The Crocs....

                              


I said to the Librarian, "Have you got any books on Paranoia?" She said "Yes, they’re behind you!" I ended getting a book called ‘Childish Retorts’ by Ewan Hoozami. Fascinating!

                                          


How do so many people get simple sayings wrong? Answers on a coastguard, please. I’ve been that, done there and got the tea bag.



I went to get my tests results from the doctors today, He said, “I have good news and bad news.” I said "So, what’s the good news?” “Well,” he replied, “You’re not a hypochondriac!” I asked him if he treated alcoholics, he confirmed that did. I sez: “Well lend us a tenner, I’m skint!”



The condition of the man, who was mauled at the Teddy bear's picnic yesterday, is said to be improving. However, he's not out of the woods yet....

                                              


Tommy and Elsie Grabknuckle were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Tommy would shout, "When I kick the bucket, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbours despised the curmudgeonly Tommy; however, he wallowed in the fact that he was disliked. Then one evening, he snuffed it, when he was 98. After the burial, Elsie's neighbours were concerned for her wellbeing, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" Elsie replied, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down and I know he won't ask for directions." Typical bloke eh?



                                   


I attended a wedding at the weekend. I whispered to the geezer next to me, "That must be the ugliest bride I have ever seen?" "Do you mind, that's my daughter you're talking about!" "I'm terribly sorry; I had no idea that you were her father..." I sez. "I'm not!" came the curt reply, "I'm her mother!"



Thought for Thursday: "I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than: "I quit halfway through a marathon"



Barmy Albert’s new girlfriend told him that she would like to wait six months before they make love and he fully understood and respected her decision. He said to her last night that he would contact her again in six months time...

                              




This summer, are you being attacked by butterflies? Take a break from the fresh air of outdoors and stuff yourself behind a relaxing computer so you can tell all your pals
about this gloppy humour column. Oh, don't forget to warn them about the attacking butterflies while you are at it. Tel them to visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com  Or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!



                                       


Monday, 17 July 2017

The Errand....



The missus phoned me and sez, "I'm just in Tesco getting some milk, do you need anything fetching?" "It depends" I replied, "Did you drive or walk?" She said,”I walked here," "Right, I'll have six bags of potatoes and four watermelons please."


                                 



The Tameside Police were given orders from the Chief Constable to sort out any loutish or drunken behaviour in the town centre. On Friday night, a paralytic Barmy Albert staggered towards a copper and said, "Excushe me offisher, what time is it?" The cop replied, "Its one o'clock," and bonked him on the head with his truncheon. "Jeepers!" sez Albert. "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago."


                                           



Little Jimmy and Jemima are only ten years old, but they know they are in love. It’s like that when you’re kids! One day they decide that they want to get married, so Jimmy goes to Jemima's dad to ask him for her hand. Jimmy bravely walks up to him and says,”Mr. Scroggins, me and Jemima are madly in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr Scroggins replies, "Well, Jimmy, you are only ten. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, little Jimmy replies, "In Jemima’s room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in there very nicely." Mr Scroggins sez with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jemima." Yet again, Jimmy instantly replies “Our pocket money, Jemima gets five quid a week and I get ten quid a week, coz I have my paper round. That's about £60 a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Scroggins is impressed that Jimmy has put so much thought into this. "Well, Jimmy, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Little Jimmy just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

                                    




My Doctor reckons that I'm paranoid. I'm just worried how many other people he may have told! On my last visit, he gave me a thorough check-up. When the examination was complete, I sez, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English exactly what's wrong with me.” “Well, in plain English,” my doctor replied, “You're just a plain old lazy malingerer, wastrel, lollygagger and popinjay” 'Thank you.' I replied. “Now give me the medical term in Latin, so I can tell the missus”


                                   



I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!



                               


The List......

                       

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain’t the jeans that make your arse look fat.

26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.

27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.

36. Your friends love you anyway..

                               



Austin Knight.
www.Comedian.ws

Sunday, 9 July 2017

The BBQ.

                               


Because it is ‘that’ time of year and we are all about to enter the (albeit brief) barbeque season, I thought it might be prudent to outline the official rules of play. You will be aware that tempestuous rain (in monsoonical proportionistas) has for the last three consecutive years battered the UK during summertime, so I consider that it is of immense importance to refresh your memory on the appropriate etiquette and ensuing protocol that must be strictly adhered to with regard to this sublime alfresco catering scenario.

Women, listen up! Let’s get it straight, when a man volunteers to do the barbeque, a sequence of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman will attend the supermarket ‘early doors’ and make any necessary purchases of food and accompanying comestibles.

(2) The woman will marinade all meat, prepare and make good any salad, bake jacket spuds in tin-foil, accompanied by any other miscellaneous vegetables, such as asparagus, wrapped in Parma ham. Further extreme care should be taken when making a nice pudding, such as my fave apple and almond cake. Custard should contain no lumps and should therefore be sieved through a stocking.

(3) The woman prepares and seasons the meat (prior to cremation), subsequently placing it on a platter, along with the requisite cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is languishing beside the grill, larruping ale down his neck. Note: He has a beer in each hand, in an effort to maintain the correct balance.

(4) The woman remains outside the mandatory three yard exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other male bonding activities can manifest themselves, without the interference of the aforementioned mithering female.

Here comes the important part:

(5) The male of the species will then place the meat on the grill.
(6) The woman goes indoors to organise any requisite crockery, cutlery and other accessories.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking superb.

He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat over, thereby engaging in a system of strict rotation.

(8) The man removes meat from grill and will then pass it to the woman for administration and distribution purposes.

(9) The woman prepares the crockery, cutlery, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, condiments, sauces, and fetches the same to the table. If she is unable to do this all at once, then she should make several trips.


(10) After the man and all the kids finish scoffing the grub, the woman shall then clear and wipe down the table and stack the dishwasher accordingly. Not forgetting to empty it, upon the conclusion of it's cycle.

(11) Everyone praises the MAN and thanks HIM for his culinary expertise and efforts.


(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her ‘night off ‘and, upon seeing her gobsmacked countenance and flabbergasted reaction (she has a face like a Chihuahua chewing a wasp), concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!


Time slows down as you approach the speed of light, but time flies when you're having fun so if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a mango! So visit my website  www.ComedianUK.com and remember that one way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be unconscious. Now, get back to work! comedianuk@sky.com