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Wednesday, 13 June 2018

The Fitness App.....


                                                       

Breaking News: Polish football fans have been warned by the Russian authorities that if they cause any trouble during the World Cup they will be immediately deported back to the United Kingdom.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up,  everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.” But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, no balls and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable!

                                 
                                   

Barmy Albert went up to Non-Stick Nora and proudly showed him what appeared to be a dog. "It's absolutely unique," Albert explained, "It's part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand." Nora asked: "Which part is bull?" Albert replied, "The part about the thousand...."


My pal started a new business cultivating those miniature Japanese Bonsai trees. He's done so well, he's had to move to smaller premises....


We bought a water bed about eighteen months ago. Since that time, the missus and I have just drifted apart. A further mitigating factor is that her side has frozen over.


"When you were a little kid remember how difficult it was just to get a Kit-Kat? Well high up on the kitchen worktop, unless your mum was really fastidious, then they'd be right on the very top shelf of the kitchenette cabinet, miles out of reach. Absolutely nowhere on the wrapper of a Kit-Kat does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where's the Domestos bleach and the Mr Muscle? Floor level.Under the sink, right next to the rest of all the toxins."
                                             

                                       


I just entered what I’ve scoffed today into my new fitness app and it has sent an ambulance to my house! Technology. Doncha luvvit!


"My grandad always said, 'Don't watch your money; watch your health.' So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandad." He always gave me sound advice. He told me to buy Bang & Olufsen speakers.

                                             
June 21st is the 171st day of the year (172nd in leap years) in the Gregorian calendar. There are 208 days remaining until the end of the year.


Remember folks, no matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery! If you want to keep up with all the latest jocular gubbins, then visit my website. Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington for a chortle and a guffaw. You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
                                       

Monday, 11 June 2018

The Chestnuts....

                                         


A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids... 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours? 'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.' 'OK, and who's next?' 'Well, this one he is Terry, also.' The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terry?' Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?' 'Well then, I call them by their surnames!'



Yesterday, I spotted Barmy Albert sauntering through Stalybridge, wearing a Hi-Viz jacket and camouflage trousers... Make your mind up Albert!

                                                


I arrived home from a gig late last night and the missus had left a note on the fridge. It said, 'It's not working, so I've gone to my mothers'. I opened the fridge, got a can of Stella out and it was chilled to perfection.



Thought for Thursday: Fame is limited to 15 minutes. Infamy is timeless and love is eternal.


                                                

I’ve joined an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothes. If I had any loose fitting clothes, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! Most embarrassing moment was when I went on the rowing machine and it sank....

                                                 


I've invented a new Love Island drinking game! Rule 1. Every time someone says "Oh my god" then take a sip. Rule 2. See rule number 1.



They say there's a moronic cretin in every group of friends. However, I'm quite fortunate because all mine are just the nicest folk. Hang on a minute!

                                    


On a recent visit to Tameside Hospital, I noticed a sign on the maternity room door, which bore the legend: "Push – Push - Push." Fascinating!


                                    



Being attacked by butterflies? Take a break from the fresh air of outdoors and enlighten yourself and broaden your parochial horizons by reading my gloppy column. Then you can tell all your pals about my Jokey-Blog! Just click on www.ComedianUK.com and follow the link. Oh, don't forget to warn them about the attacking butterflies while you are at it.




                                  

Saturday, 2 June 2018

The Imaginary Friend.....

                                     


When my daughter Suzie Nellie (21) was about 5 years old, she had an imaginary friend, who somehow possessed the rather sophisticated and somewhat grand moniker of Copper Du Maze. I was always taking the Mickey out of her because of this, however, one day; she got upset and stormed into her bedroom, slamming the door. I knew that I had to set things straight and went into her room and declared: “I’m very sorry for having a go at you about your imaginary friend and would like to unreservedly apologise.” She looked at me, with tears in her eyes and proclaimed: “Thank you daddy.” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied: “I’m not talking to you; I’m talking to Copper Du Maze.”


Moron-v-Mourners: I was attending a funeral last week and there was a flippant teenage oik straddled across the back pew of the church, nonchalantly scrolling through his iPhone, whilst loudly informing the other mourners that funerals were boring and demanding to know if there was a Wi-Fi connection in the church! The priest took exception to this appalling behaviour, sauntered across and exclaimed: “You, young man are an ignorant and disrespectful individual!” To which the youth replied: “Is that all lower case, dude?”

                                       



The general consensus of opinion from the government is that gambling ruins lives. However, that’s quite the reverse, as it's brought our family much closer. We’ve had to move to a rented DSS bed-sit flatlet. The area is so rough; we have to bring the doorstep in at night....

                                           


Breaking News: A lorry carrying ice cream has jackknifed on the M67 at Denton Rock. Police have coned off the area....

                           

When a woman proclaims: "We need to talk" Why is it never about golf or football? When the missus sez, "What do you think?" she is not asking for my opinion. She is asking for her opinion, from my mouth. It’s like being a ventriloquist’s dummy innit!



A Poignant Thought: At some point in your childhood, you and all your pals went outside to play together for the one very last time, and nobody knew it.


                                         

I bumped into Non-Stick Nora in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife over the weekend and she was fondly recollecting her head teacher curtly informing her that “Looking out of the window won’t get you anywhere in life.” She confessed that she had a smug look on her face thirty years later, when she handed him his burger and fries at the McDonalds drive thru...

                                             


Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                                     




Monday, 28 May 2018

The Idiot....

                              The ONLY saving that Liverpool made.....
                 


 "There's an idiot on the pitch." "Yeah it's your goalkeeper you scouse twats. To be fair it won’t be their fault.....




I sobbed and cried on the sofa as I recalled my awful childhood. "Do you think I am going mad"? I asked. “Yes, now get out of DFS”. Came the harsh reply!

Barmy Albert went into B & Q store and orders 10,000 bricks. "May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter. "It's going to be a barbecue." Albert replied.  "Wow, that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue," "Not really; I live on the 12th floor."

                                         


Quiz of the Week: Question No1."Have you ever suffered with any form of memory loss?"
and Finally question No 10...

I met a girl who was half-French & half-Chinese. I took her home & she sucked my laundry..

I have a bit of a dilemma and need advice Can anyone help I’ve been seeing this girl for a while getting very serious but I have just found out that she has a wooden leg, I don’t know what to do. Should I break it off? Peggy will never forgive me.

I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth, but one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.

What’s the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo ?...One is really heavy, whereas, the other is a little lighter...

 My grandad was killed by a deadly combination of drink and drugs. He popped out to the corner shop to buy some tea bags, when a Boots The Chemist  van knocked him over. Sad innit!


                                                               



Fascinating Fact: There are 26 million people in the UK who support Liverpool.. they are called tax payers.



I have been informed by my doctor that I’m colour blind. I’m shocked, this diagnosis has really come out of the magenta!
                                                                 


We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the road. He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him by shouting, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the wrong tree!"



Little Joey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire station. Before each kid could leave, the fire chief quizzed them. The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?" Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."


                                             



Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!


                                     



Sunday, 20 May 2018

The Loaded Riposte....

                                 

Innit awful gerrin auld? Last weekend, whilst walking the dogs around Valehouse reservoir, in downtown Tintwistle, the missus proclaimed: “The reason you’re morbidly obese is that you don’t ‘power walk’ around here. You merely saunter!” I’ve been considering her proclamation and have come to the following conclusion. When I was a lot younger, women would have a go at me for many reasons such as being unfaithful, excessive boozing and gambling on horses etc. However, the older you get, the lesser the crime. I am now being berated for sauntering! Furthermore, I’m NOT morbidly obese. I’m quite happily obese! Isn’t life grand, when you’re doo-lally!                          


My next-door neighbour, Barmy Albert has been most unwell for the last few weeks. So I went round and took some DVD’s and Marks & Spencer ready meals. I’m just hoping he won't notice...

I asked my boss, "Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?" He sez:, "It's May!" "Sorry" I replied, "May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?"

Whoever it is that lost an iPhone 6s Plus yesterday in Wetherspoons, can you please stop calling my new phone, it's really annoying me!

                                                   


I was behind an Eddie Stobart 18 wheeler and at every red light the driver would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row , I became intrigued and followed him until he pulled into a service area. When we both had come to a stop, the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. I went up to him and proclaimed: "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of  canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."
                                           
We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the road. He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him by shouting, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the wrong tree!"


                                               

Little Joey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire station. Before each kid could leave, the fire chief quizzed them. The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?" Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."

Fascinating Fact: The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbours.

The case in the County Court concerned a will and a lawyer was questioning Non-Stick Nora. "Was the deceased," asked the attorney, "In the habit of talking to himself when he was alone?" "I don't know," replied Nora. "Come on now, you don't know and yet you pretend you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?" "Well, sir," opined Nora, "I never happened to be with him when he was alone." Good point, well made Nora!


                             

Is there something special you'd like to do for someone special? Just tell them about my website that links to my ultra-funny Jokey-Bloggington instead. Save that special thing for when you are in trouble with that someone special. So go ahead and tell them about me and don't bother wasting that special thing until necessary. Clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Now, get back to work!

Wednesday, 16 May 2018

The Telemarketeer Geezer Gubbins.....


                             
Just when you sit down to eat dinner, the phone rings and it's one of those awful telemarketer geezers. I don't think you should loose your temper with them  Treat it a a form of jocular therapy and have a chortle. We were having a salad anyway, so it won't go cold....

The voice on the other end said, "May I speak with Joanne please?"

"She's not here,"  I answered..

"To whom am I speaking?"

"This is Non-Stick Nora, her current concubine."

"Oh. Right When will he be home?"

"She."

"I'm sorry, pardon?"

"She. It's an her. He/She is a hermaphrodite and resides in Standish.. He/She has a Wigan address
They'll be home around midnight. May I ask who this is calling?"

"This is Daryl."

"And what company do you work for Dazzeroony?"

"I am unable to divulge that information, because of the privacy of data act."

"What do you mean you cannot divulge that information?"

I'm calling to speak specifically with Joanne."

"Anything you have to say to Jo-Jo you can tell me, coz I'm a ventriloquist."

"I really can't do that."

"Sure you can, just pretend I'm them. I won't tell no bugger."

"No madam I can't, really. I'm not allowed."

"Hold on just a moment. Shit a brick! She's home prematurely and just walked in
the front door."

After giving her a quick briefing of the scenario, I handed the phone to the missus. 

"Hullo?" She opined.

"Nora?"

"Yes. This is Non-Stick Nora."

"This is Daryl with BT."

"Hi Dazzer. What's the big secret that you couldn't tell Nora?"

"We are only allowed to talk to the person we have listed on our contact
list. I'm sorry sir."

"Madam."

"Madam?"

"Yeth?"

"Oh, I'm really sorry."

"Is Joanne the only contact person on your list?"

"No madam. There is an Austin Knight listed as well."

"Why didn't you ask to speak with him?"

"Could I speak with him?"

"He's not here, he's doing six months in the nick. Can I take a message?"

"No but you're Joanne right?"

"That's semi-correct"

"Okay, I can talk to you. BT is aware that you have recently switched to
another supplier. We like to make you an offer to get you back
as a BT customer.

"Do you know why we switched?"

"No sir. madam, I don't. Would you like to tell me?

"Let me speak to Everard."

"There is no one here by that name."

"Then I cannot divulge that information."

"I would be happy to straighten out any problems you may have had with BT.
That's one of the reasons I'm calling you today."

"No, I'm sorry. I can only talk to Everard. What time will he be there?"

"Nobody named Everard works here."

"Then I cannot divulge that information."

"I can assure you that it is alright to speak with me."

"Is your name Everard?"

"No but it's my job to help you with any problems you might have had with
us. Is there some reason why you can't talk to me about this?"

"I'm not allowed."

"Well, thank you and have a nice evening sir."

"Madam."

(CLICK....)


                         

A few of this months gigs....