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Sunday, 23 June 2019

The Beautiful Game....

                               

Yesterday morning was totally surreal! First, I found a hat stuffed with loads of money and then I got chased by some angry bloke with a guitar! Weird!



Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora: "What's that you're reading?" Nora replied, "It's a diary." Albert enquired: "What's in it?" Nora replies "I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and confidential affair. It has important secret dreams and secret yearnings. It's private. It's not meant to be shared with other people. Besides, this diary belongs to Elsie Grabknuckle....”

                            


I went to watch my lad play football after school yesterday. During the game, the referee blew his whistle and declared that my son was in an offside position. I ran onto the pitch and said, "Listen here, you sken-eyed cretin, you're a flamin’ moron, and you're lucky I don't wallop you one round the ear hole!" The referee walked over and said, "Do you always speak to your son like this?"


                                

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.



Thought for Thursday: Never give yourself a haircut after four large gin and tonics...


Having said that, my missus has stood by me for twelve years. We only have one chair.


                                                                

"Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," I said. She gave me a cheeky little smile, then reached into her purse and pulled out a crumpled twenty quid note, all screwed up into a little ball. "Have you ever seen fifty quid all crumpled up?" she asked. "Nope," I exclaimed. She gave me another little smile, reached into her purse once again, and produced a crumpled fifty pound note. "Right-ho!" she said, "Have you ever seen twenty thousand quid all crumpled up?" "Definitely not" I lamented, in an intrigued fashion. "Well, go and have a quick shufty in the garage." Well, at least I know one thing for sure now. The airbag works!



My friend, Eric Figgis has failed his Aboriginal music exam. I couldn’t resist asking him, “Did ya redo it?”



Fascinating Fact: We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. However, are you aware that his brother Frank was a bit of a monster? Well, you read it here first, folks!

                                                 


I went back to see the doctor this morning. I sez, "When I applied the haemorrhoid ointment that you prescribed me last week, I got a very nasty reaction." "Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked. I replied, "On the bus."


                                                   
                                                     


Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and chortle at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!


                                       

Sunday, 16 June 2019

The Eureka Moment!

                                            


Last week, a supermarket in Toxteth, Liverpool was selling Fathers Day cards in packs of five. How innovative!



If Boris Johnson becomes prime minister, he has pledged free television licensing for the blind and deaf. He has also assured folk that we will definitely be leaving the EU as soon as the DFS sale finishes. So, now we know!

                                        


I was home schooled to a certain degree. My mother taught me to speak Japanese. When the rent man came, I would answer the door and say: “Shintin.”



My neighbours have three grown up sons. One is a Butcher, one is a Baker and I'll bet you can guess what the third one is. That's right, he's morbidly obese.



Breaking News: Several corn fed chickens taken and eaten during the night and Basil Brush is making a comeback. - Fox News.

                                             
Barmy Albert was lying in bed with Non-Stick Nora one night, and Albert was nodding off. His appointment with Mister Sandman was not to be delayed. However, Nora had other ideas. She was in a romantic mood and wanted to chat. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, Albert reached across, held Nora’s hand for a second and then tried to get back to kip. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to snog me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to snoringtons. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to nibble my ears." Angrily, Barmy Albert threw back the duvet and stormed off out of bed. "Where are you going?" Nora asked. Albert gazed at her, with eyes like burning embers and replied, "To fetch me teeth!"



I’ve had a Eureka moment! Gentlemen. Listen up! I’ve finally worked it out. The best way to get a woman to change her mind is to agree with her in the first place! You heard it here first folks!



From an early age, I always assumed that my father worked at a manufacturing plant that produced toilet rolls and light bulbs. This is because that’s all he ever brought home. My Dad was always very competitive. I remember him saying to me: “How old are you now, son?” I replied, “Eight.” He said, “When I was your age, I was nine!” I had a serious nut allergy and he used to play ‘Russian Roulette’ with me, using a bag of Revels.



I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on. We need another referendum to find out. Boris! Get it sorted, matey! You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website. Clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now get back to work!

                                                 

Saturday, 8 June 2019

The Outdoors Geezer....

                                             


During my annual medical check-up, the doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 8 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a badger. I climbed several rocky hills, then I fell down a hole behind some big conifers. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of this unfortunate farrago, I drank eight pints of lager." Inspired by the story, the doctor sez, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" "No," I replied "I'm just a shite golfer".


I came home from dog walking yesterday morning and found several pieces of Lego on the front doorstep. I didn’t know what to make of it.

                                                         


Barmy Albert phones Non-Stick Nora and the conversation went thus: “Hello love, it’s me. I’ve had a bad accident at work and trapped my leg. Sharon took me to the hospital but the surgeon says I might have to have it amputated.” Nora replied: “Who’s Sharon?”

I’m getting totally fed up with various folk whinging about the cost of stuff. £1.50 for a cup of tea, £1.75 for a coffee, £2 for a slice of Battenberg or £2.50 for car parking. Well I’m telling you now, if there are any more complaints, then I will honestly stop inviting people round to my house!


Hands up if you're scared of Armed Robbers?

                                 


It may be due working in a stage environment, but last week I went to see the quack about my acute deafness. He gave me some medicine and told me to put two drops per day in my beer.  I've been doing it for well over a week now and I still haven't noticed any improvement whatsoever.



I was in a benevolent mood on Saturday, so I decided to treat myself. I bought a first aid kit and a set of defibrillators.

Thought for Thursday: A monkey with a typewriter could never recreate the works of Shakespeare. But it would make quite a good living working for the Welsh tourism board.
                                     



Innit awful gerrin auld! When you drop summat on the floor, as a youngster, you’d just pick it up, without a second thought. However, when you get a lot older and you drop summat, you just stare at it for a while, contemplating and then decide if you actually need this item any longer....

I went to watch my lad play football after school yesterday. During the game, the referee blew his whistle and declared that my son was in an offside position. I ran onto the pitch and said, "Listen here you sken-eyed twat, you're a fucking moron, and you're lucky I don't smack you in the face." The referee walked over and said, "Do you always speak to your son like this?"

                                   
Spice Girls have sacked their sound engineer following complaints of the poor sound at their comeback tour. He admits it was his fault for switching their microphones on!
                                                     



Summer is a comin’! Hair gets lighter, skin gets darker, water gets warmer, drinks get colder, music gets louder, nights get longer, life gets better. Now assume a comical position and strike the pose! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest. Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!


                                                   


I was in a band called 999MegaBytes but we never did a Gig

I was in a band called Missing Cat, you must have seen our posters

Years ago I was in a band called The Hinges, we supported The Doors


Then I was in a band called Origami but we folded

Then I was in a band called White Line, we were middle of the road

And of course I was in a band called Duvet, we did covers

Before that I was in a band called The Sewers, that was when we were underground

I was in a band called The Prevention, we were told we were better than The Cure

Do you remember I was in a band called Dusk, we were on before The Darkness

I’m now in a band called Blank Cheques, we’re currently unsigned

                       


Thursday, 30 May 2019

The Visit....

                                           
An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the Scropton Street Medical Centre doctor for a check-up. The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old bloke was in and asked: "How do you stay in such great physical condition?' "I am Scottish and I am a golfer," said the old fella: "and that is why I am in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee tot of whisky, and that's it." "Well,' said the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?" "Who said my Dad died?" The doctor was amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive. How old is he?" "He is 100 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin’, and then we went to a topless beach in Glasgow for a walk and had another wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too." "Well," the doctor said, "that's great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my Grandad is dead?" Stunned, the doctor asked, "You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?" "He is 118 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" "No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin', because he is getting married today" At this point the doctor was close to losing the plot. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?" "Who said he wanted to?"
                                           
                         
The missus has asked if I could help with her latest diet, so I have hidden her teeth. She has that many chins, she’s had to put a bookmark in, to remind her where her mouth is. Such is life...

                                                     

How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you! In fact they’ll drone on and on and on about it. Fascinating!
                                   


Q) What is a fisherman’s favourite mode of transportation?

A) A motor Pike and side Carp.

                         

Thought for Thursday: Compliment people. Magnify their strengths, not their weaknesses.


Non-Stick Nora sez to Barmy Albert: "I've taken that many steroids, I've grown a tallywacker!" Albert replied: "Anabolic?" Nora sez: "No. Just a tallywacker..."



Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to wor       
                         
                                       


             

Saturday, 25 May 2019

The Nursery Or The Nursery?

                                        


The missus ordered some bedding plants from the local nursery and they asked when she’d like them delivered. “June 7th.” She told ‘em. I asked her why she picked that particular date and she sez: “Ne’er cast a clout until May is out!”
                                        



Breaking News: Diane Abbott throws milkshake at herself and misses!

                                                      


Have you noticed that there are more bank holidays than there are banks nowadays! I often wonder why they are called bank holidays because you cannot find a bank anymore. They should be renamed Poundshop Holidays.


                                                

It’s a shame. Last week, Jamie Oliver’s restaurant chain went into administrone. Yes, folks, it’s all gone Bolognese up! He should have contacted Gordon Ramsey, who does a TV programme, showing how failed eateries can improve and do well. On a more positive note, there’s a new Bob Marley Themed restaurant where you can sit down and have a nice plate of curried goat, However, you have to get up, stand up, stand up for your rice.

                                        


A woodworm crawled into a bar. He sits down and asks: “Excuse me, but is the bar tender here?”



Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her nursery kids put his boots on?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a fair sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were! It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool, as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. The kid then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. The child then opined: "They're my brother's boots. My mummy made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" The kid said: "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

                                                      



One of life’s ponderables: When bumble bees relocate to a new hive, do they have a house swarming?

                                                       


Thought for Thursday: Don’t blame a clown for being a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.

                            


Network. Dream big. Plan ahead. Get up early. Stay focused. Stay off your phone. Read more books. Avoid lollygaggers and knaves. Take risks. Write down your goals. Live on less than you earn. Make your health a top priority. Do deeds that matter to you. Learn from folk you admire. When you’ve done all that, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!



                               


Saturday, 18 May 2019

A few recent gigs....



                                                   
                                       

                                             




       

Farage Fury Fruit Cake Farrago....

                                      


Apparently, Happy Harry Hooper was in Crown Court for allegedly molesting a six foot tall Latvian lady of the night. Although, Harry stands only 4'2" tall. The judge, in summing up sez: “As I understand, the offence was committed in a standing position. Forgive me, but how did he reach?” The lady said, “He used a bucket, M’Lord.” Appearing quite perplexed, the judge replied, “But surely, you could have kicked the bucket away?” She answered, “He put the bucket on my head and swung from the handle.”



I hate it when parents name their kids stuff they can’t afford, like Mercedes, Ruby, Porsche, Lecky, Gas, Phone Bill, Council Tax, et cetera.


                                           

Worked in Stratford upon Avon last week and sauntered into a bookshop. I sez to the assistant: “Could I have a play by Shakespeare.” She replied: “Which one?” I sez: “William.” Stoopid people, eh! They walk among us!



When I was young I remember sneaking out of the house to go to parties. Now I find I am sneaking out of parties to go home. Innit awful gerrin auld!



When the missus gets out of bed, she likes to put on a school uniform with shorts, a school boy cap and speak in a Scottish accent. She’s always a little Krankie in the morning...



I sez to the window cleaner, "Because I caught you peeping at the missus through the bathroom window, I'm confiscating your ladders. And if I catch you doing it again, further steps will be taken"....

                                     


You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you fail to take, and statistically speaking, 99% of the shots you do take. On that basis, is a leading authority anyone who has guessed right more than once? So where does this leave Theresa May? If she listened to herself more often, she would talk less.

                                           


Yesterday afternoon, the missus called me on my mobile phone. "I've broken down in Tintwistle. I have water in the carburettor." she opined. "Where’s the car?" I asked. She sez, "It’s in the reservoir." When I got there she’d dipped the headlights as well. Oh, and now I know that the airbag works!

                                               


Eavesdropping is a wonderful pastime. In my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, I overheard Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora’s conversations become increasingly surreal. She sez to him the other day: “I keep seeing spots before my eyes.” Albert asked her if she’d seen a doctor. She replied: “No. Only spots....” Then yesterday, Albert asked her if she liked Tolstoy. She wholeheartedly agreed that she did. When Albert pressed her on which story was her favourite, she curtly informed him: “The one where Woody is kidnapped and Buzz desperately tries to save him!”


                                              

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com