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Friday, 15 January 2021

Maxine has the vaccine!

 

                                                  



Professor Chris Whitty, the government scientist geezer, has said that the Covid-19 vaccine is the best thing we have in our arsenal. Personally, I'd like it in my arm, thank you very glad!

All High Street chemists will be administering the Covid vaccine soon. In fact, there’s a bloke on Scropton Street Outdoor Market selling Astra-Zenica vaccines for two quid each or three for a Pfizer. Roll up! Roll up! Your sleeves!



Of course the vaccine is manufactured by Pfizer, who also make Viagra. Now they can raise the dead and save the living! Who’d a thowt it!



The missus sez: “All you’ve done today is contradict me.” I replied: “No I haven’t!” That’s when the fight started!


                                


Every major supermarket is now insisting you must wear a face mask on entry; however you can still wear your pyjamas and leave your teeth and bra at home.



A circus owner runs an advert for a ‘Lion Tamer Wanted’ and two prospective applicants show up. One is Barmy Albert in his late sixties and the other is Non-Stick Nora, a lovely brunette with a voluptuous figure in her mid-thirties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good or you're history." "Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" Nora sez: "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge towards her. As he gets close, Nora throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He exclaims: "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!" He then turns to Barmy Albert and asks, "Can you top that?" Albert replies: "I’ll give it a try, but you've got to get that flamin’ lion out of there first..."

                                      

Once upon a time, after devouring a Ruby, I suddenly developed the ballroom blitz and had to rush into the public toilets in Manchester Piccadilly. I kicked the lavatory door open and hurriedly sat upon the bog and after pebble-dashing the ablutions, I happened to notice a pair of plimsolls between my legs. I gingerly extricated myself and noticed a little bloke sat on the khazi and apologised “I’m very sorry, I didn’t see you sat there...”. To which he replied “I didn’t think you did, that’s why I pulled your trousers back up..”

Advert in this newspaper: For sale. Framed picture of John Lennon's wife. £100 ono

In 2021, go and laugh in the places where you have cried and change the narrative.


                                  



I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as road works foreman but, when I got home, all the signs were there.

I lost both my parents when I was 12 years old. What a card game that was! Never played cards since because I’m frightened of winning ‘em back!
  

                                       



I’ve always appreciated the offbeat characters, the lollygaggers, the odd-balls, the skewiff entities, the wallflower folk, the bizarre rejects, the left-of-centre activists, the mamzers, the ne’er do wells, the knaves and rapscallions. The snowflake tribes are the bane of society and will be responsible for our eventual undoing. If you concur, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: comediasnuk@sky.com. Now, don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat. However, some are in a super multi-million pound yacht, whereas, we’re all in a rubber dinghy that’s sinking fast!

 

                                       


Sunday, 10 January 2021

The squashed hedgehog farrago....

             




I was utterly confused when it snowed last week. Does anyone know how many snowmen you're allowed in your garden under current restrictions?

Barmy Albert drove over a squashed hedgehog the other day. He sez to Non-Stick Nora “that’s a Himalayan hedgehog.” “How could you possibly know that?” She asked. “Because ‘him-a-layin’ on the road”

You know when you’re on the khazi, then suddenly realise that there’s no bog roll left, so you have to get up and do that awkward little waddle, with your undercrackers around your ankles to get a new toilet roll? Well, I got 100 yards from the local Co-op, afore the police stopped me. Apparently, we’re not allowed out during lockdown.

                                         



I asked the missus “where’ve you been?” She sez “Scraping the car.” I replied “Against what?” That’s when the fight started...

All High Street chemists will be administering the Covid vaccine soon. In fact, there’s a bloke on Scropton Street Outdoor Market selling Astra-Zenica vaccines for two quid each or three for a Pfizer. Roll up! Roll up! Your sleeves!)

I went into the chemist and asked for pile ointment. The assistant sez: "It’s over there on the bottom shelf."

                                         

I overheard two kids arguing in the newsagent’s shop. The little girl was shouting: “That idiotic teacher dosen’t know anything whatsoever about maths, history or geography and I’m sure I could smell cheap vodka on her breath!” The little lad replied: “Pack it in now, Lucy! Mum is trying her bestest!”

                                                        



So, if you think that everything is all terrible now, then just wait for twenty years when the country is being run by kids that were home-schooled by alcoholics!



With the dreaded pandemic increasing, it’s been announced that as from next week, all postmen will be working from home. They will read all your mail and if it’s anything important, they give you a ring.

                                                



Why don’t they put the vaccine in beer, open all the pubs and then everyone will be immunised within a week.



The missus asked me if I'd ever regretted saying something. "Yes, I do" I replied.

"Well, what was it then?" she asked.


                                                 




Never mind that there Covid-19 gubbins. My doctor reckons I might have Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but he says it’s difficult to say at the moment.



Barmy Albert went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your opportunity in court.” advised the Desk Sergeant. “No, no, no!” sez Albert. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking up

The missus, I’ve been trying to do that for years!”



In 2021, walk away from folk who put you down. Walk away from disagreements that will never be amicably resolved. Walk away from trying to please people who will never see your true worth. The more you walk away from scenarios that poison your soul, the healthier and happier you will be! There are those that I've walked with in my life. There are those that I have walked past. There are those who've walked all over me and then there are many I truly wish I could walk alongside right now.
If you fancy a chortle this New Year, then visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington. Happy New Year Folks! Wahay! Hands-Space-Face!

                                           


Monday, 4 January 2021

Dry January....


                                        




I’ve decided that I’m having a dry January. I’ve Just bought 5 cases of Sauvignon Blanc. There are only 358 days until the next lockdown! I’m drinking until midnight to see in the New Tier!


The snow was so thick here. I asked a snowman the time and he just stared at me. I spotted him in the Co op earlier picking his nose.


Apparently, the Finnish language has a word "kalsarikkanit", which roughly translated means "sitting at home in your underwear drinking alcohol, with no intention of going anywhere." Or lockdown, as we now know it... Who’d a thowt it’




                                     





The sweater I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to Marks & Spencer and they exchanged it for another one, free of charge.








Breaking News: In Dover, the Covid driver testing station reports they're mainly coming back HGV Positive. The BBC have made a film about it. I’ve seen the trailer...





                                




Some Tier 4 party games to help you through the shenanigans:


Musical Chair.


Hold the Parcel.


Hide.


Monotony.


For more adult tastes: put your car keys in a bowl.



                                       






Barmy Albert asked the parachute shop owner, "What will happen if it doesn't open?" He said, "Bring it back with the receipt and we will refund you." What a decent bloke, you can't argue with that!







I looked out of my window and saw a gaggle of folk meandering around a bloke who had just come off his moped. I frantically rushed over. "Get out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd. "Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed. "No" I replied, "He's got my pizza."





                                        




A travel agent looked up from his desk on New Year's Eve and saw an older lady and an older gentleman peering into the shop window, where there were posters of glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a cracking week, and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop. "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. The older lady and gentleman, as could be expected, gladly accepted and were off! About a month later, the little lady came in to the travel agency. "And how did you like your holiday?" the agent asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting, and the resort was idyllic!” she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing perplexed me. Who was that smelly old bloke that I had to share the room with?"

















Sadly, my dear friend Tommy Docherty passed away on New Year's Eve. We had many a chortle together. He was a character of infinite jest and life will be much poorer without his hilarious company. RIP Doc, it was a privilege to have known you. There’ll never be another.











Monday, 21 December 2020

Tier 4 Pandemic Party Games....

                                     




Ova Chrithmuth, four sum hunone reezun hive nevva yett wun an gaim of skrabel...

 

Greggs will add the Covid vaccine ingredients into their pastry.     It will be rolled out this week...
   



 
Some Tier 4 Christmas Party games to help you through the crisis:

Musical Chair.

Hold the Parcel.

Hide.

Monotony.

For more adult tastes: put your car keys in a bowl.


                         

Just when we all see some light at the end of the tunnel, Boris orders more tunnel...


A random woman buttonholed Non-Stick Nora in the local Co-op and haughtily announced: - “You’re supposed to be wearing a mask!” Nora gazed at the harridan with a saturnine grimace and replied: - “I’m supposed to be wearing underwear too, yet here we are....”






There was a big fight over the Christmas holidays. Apparently, a Bandit called Rocky went Crackers, and hit a Penguin over the head with a Club tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribband, then made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hob- Nobbing with a Ginger Nut. Two accomplices, one known as Garibaldi and the other known only as Rich T. Unfortunately, they don’t have a crumb of evidence, so the Jammie Dodger might get away with it! Christmas Crackers!


                                               Meanwhile, at the French side of Euro Tunnel...


A policeman pulled Barmy Albert over on Christmas Eve. He curtly informed him: "You've got no tax or insurance, furthermore, your front nearside tyre is completely flat, you've got a can of lager in your hand and to compound an already unfortunate farrago, you are not wearing a seatbelt!" Albert replied: "I'll see you tomorrow then...." "What's that supposed to mean?" asked the copper. Albert sez: "Hang on a minute, officer, I'm on the phone."

I sez to the missus: “Oi Fishface! What do ya want for Christmas?” She shouted:”Don’t get lippy!” I replied: “Right! Mascara it is then!”

It cost a staggering £10 to go see Santa Claus at a large Manchester department store and forced to wait in a long queue for well over an hour. All that was forthcoming was a two minute meeting with Santa and a cheap mass produced plastic toy. What a rip-off con job that was! I’m just so glad I never took the kids...

My daughter just came running up to me; "daddy daddy! I've changed my mind. I don't want a bike for Christmas any more!" "Why not?" I asked. "Because I've just found one behind the wardrobe."

While my neighbour, Barmy Albert was away visiting relatives last Christmas, I was tasked with looking after his pet snake. However, it escaped and crawled into our chest freezer and subsequently perished. I was so worried; I asked Non-Stick Nora how I could explain this unfortunate occurrence to Albert. She replied: “Just give it to him straight!” That’s when the fight started!

Last year, I bought my daughter Suzie an iPad for Christmas and an iPod for her birthday. The missus got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't pleased, especially when I explained it could be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean Apps. Unfortunately, this automatically enabled the iNag App. I can’t shut it off either, it just keeps on and on...

                             


A Viking named Rudolph the Red woke up one morning, he gazed out of the window, then declared: “It’s gonna be chuckin’ it down all day today!” His missus asked him: “But how do you know that?” He replied: “Coz, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear....”

To see what's on the BBC this Christmastide, get yourself a copy of the Radio Times from 1976, or thereabouts.

 

                                 


 

Ten Reasons Why Santa Is A Man:

1. No dress sense whatsoever.

2. Never replies to your letters.

3. The chances of getting what you ask for are zero.

4. Big beer belly.

5. Will only commit to one day a year.

6. Obsessed with stockings.

7. He never stops to ask for directions.

8. Too bone idle to shave.

9. He always wears the same outfit.

10. Only willing to do a job where people leave food and ale out for him and he doesn't wash the pots up afterwards.

You never know what goes on in the cranium of a kid! Over Christmas, the missus had a dinner party for friends and family, some of whom we hadn’t seen for ages. Everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All through the meal the wife's friend's four year old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my utmost to ignore her, but finally it was too much for me.

I asked her, “Why do you keep staring at me?” Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the whole table went quiet for her response. The little girl sez, “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

Riddle me this: You have 78 Christmas prezzies. First, subtract your age. Then add 40. That is the year that you were born. Fascinating!

                                                                  




I got the missus some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so she'd know when to stop unwrapping.


I was given a pirate copy of Bohemian Rhapsody for Chistmas. The picture quality really was quite appalling. All that I could see was a little silhouette of a man....

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was chock-a block, and as the wife turned to her husband, there was no sign of him. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. So she called him on her mobile to ask him where he was. Quietly he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop." "Well, I'm in the pub next door."



I sez to the missus, “Christmas Day falls on a Friday this year.” She replied, “I hope it isn’t the 13th!”

                                             


If you’re singing Christmas songs on your neighbour’s lawn at night with your church group, it’s called “carol singing,” but if you’re doing it alone on the High St wearing a Santa outfit, it’s called “drunk and disorderly.”


These two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered. They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"

 

                                   


At Christmas, a real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer. That’s what beer does… Never mind.

Visit my Christmas Joky-Bloggington! Click on www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Have a cool Yule folks!


                                 




Monday, 14 December 2020

Christmas countdown to lockdown and the 3rd New Year wave!!

                                         

Yet another lockdown argument.  The missus left me a note: ‘I’m leaving you because you’re so stupid and bigoted!”  Well, she’s wholly misinterpreted everything. Because I’m not stupid, I’m actually dyslexic. Furthermore, I can’t help having big toes.   Apart from “Fine” what other death threats do women use?

Today, we should all remind ourselves that the people who are prohibiting us all from working are still receiving their regular wages, while we sadly await scraps of leftover, rotting offal being hurled at us from their burgeoning and grossly overladen table.

A further reminder is that if perchance you are considering leaving Santa an alcoholic drink by the fireside on Christmas Eve, then it must be accompanied by a substantial meal, such as a Scotch egg.

Two pigs talking in a field and one pig sez to the other: “ I’m really excited.  I’ve heard that we’re getting blankets for Christmas!”

Took the family to see the socially-distanced pantomime at the local civic hall. All the kids were shouting “He’s two metres behind you!”

Non-Stick Nora curtly informed Barmy Albert: “You’ve got no idea what is in that there Covid vaccine!” as she purchased 40 beefburgers for £5 at Scropton Street Food-Mart.

If you're buying fireworks for New Years Eve, always check the sell by date. The last ones I bought went off.

                                              


1. What is Dominic Cummings' favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas.

2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop? Many of his workers have had to elf isolate.

3. Why didn't Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled.

4. Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity.

5. Why did the Long John Silver and Blackbeard have to go into lockdown? Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen.

6. Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because eventually, it's behind you.

7. Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn.

8. Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn't know how many tiers it should have.

9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread.

10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone.

11. How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly? Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go to Jail.

12. Why won't Santa lose any presents this year? He's downloaded Sack and Trace.

Thought for Thursday: “A liberal paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns.”  “And believe it or not, such a place does, indeed, exist. It’s called prison.”


                                 


Saturday, 5 December 2020

Advent calendars days are numbered...

                                 


                

I’m giving up drinking until Christmas.  Sorry.  Incorrect punctuation.  I’m giving up.  Drinking until Christmas. 

 

It’s a good decision.  Think about it. Someone ate an apple and we were born. Someone scoffed a bat, now we’re all gonna die. Eating is the problem, not drinking!

                                                    


I went to buy a fake Christmas tree.  The bloke in the shop asked me: “Are you gonna put it up yourself?” I sez: “No. It’s for in the living room….”

 

Have you ever noticed that most folk won’t take the time to look up important information, but they’ll spend an half hour taking a stupid quiz on Facebook in order to ascertain what kind of potato they are?   

                                            


I'm on a lockdown pork and salmon diet. I eat like a pig and drink like a fish. I do however, light up the room.  Just as soon as I move away from the window…

 

I'd more than gladly participate in any experiment to test the effect of sudden wealth on an individual...

 

All the non-essential shops have reopened last week. The missus was going shopping. She sez “Is there anything you don’t want?”

                                              


Because we’re now in December, we need to start locating the end of the sellotape.and to put the sprouts on a low light.  We’re having a Brexit Christmas dinner this year. No Brussels!

 

Aren’t some folk strange! They spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t need, to impress people they don’t like.

 

I’m so broke that I opened the door on my advent calendar and a bailiff was stood there. The way the economy is going, I sincerely reckon that advent calendars days are numbered…

                                      


1) Open a new file on your computer. 2) Save it as "Boris Johnson". 3)  Send it to the Recycle Bin. 4)  Empty the Recycle Bin. 5) Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of 'Boris Johnson'?" 6)  Firmly click "Yes".  Feel better?  Next week, we’ll get rid of Matt Hancock and Michael Gove.

 

Barmy Albert told Non-Stick Nora: "I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!" Non-Stick Nora replied:  "Wow! your dad was a millionaire?" Albert sez:  "No, but he always wanted to be."

 

Find the secret Christmas message: A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z.

                                      


Yesterday morning, I spotted my neighbour actually talking to her cat. It was painfully obvious that she genuinely thought that the feline understood her every word! I came back into my house and told my little dog Alfie all about this and we both fell about laughing!

 

Top Tips: Treat your face mask exactly like your undercrackers. 1) Do not touch or adjust in public. 2) Ensure the fit is tight, but comfy. 3) Do not wear anyone elses. 4) Make sure it’s clean. 5) If damp, change it. 6) DON’T go commando! Now assume a comical position and strike da pose!