Sunday, 13 January 2019
Whilst sauntering down Scropton Street yesterday, as I passed the abattoir, I spied a van. The lettering on it said: Robert and Robert - Painters and Decorators. I thought, that sounds like a two Bob outfit to me...
Remember the times before health and safety regulations? Back then it was called common sense. We kids would never have played conkers, if we had to wear a pair of welder’s goggles. We’d have taken up welding or summat.
Barmy Albert keeps saying to me: "Cheer up; it could be hell of a lot worse than it is. You could be stuck deep underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
Last weekend, I saw an incredibly loud Abba tribute band in the Trafford Centre.
You could hear the drums from Nando’s....
I’ve just walked out of the supermarket and they’re already selling mince pies for next Christmas! Not only that, but the sell by date is next week! It’s a total disgrace!
Non-Stick Nora: " Barmy Albert has a habit of talking in his sleep. What should I give him to cure it?" Doctor: "Give him the opportunity to speak when he is awake."
Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades Lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell putrid. In a statement she said "The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis!"
A pork pie costs £3.50 in Jamaica, A steak and kidney pie will rush you £4.75 in Aruba. Furthermore it is £3.25 for a meat and spud growler in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean, folks! . I’ll get me hat and coat....
Thought for Thursday: When they empty your wheelie bin, do you go out later to the landfill site to ascertain how it's doing? No. So, stop checking on your ex-partners!
I was shopping with the wife at the local Tesco supermarket and suddenly couldn't find her, "I've lost the wife!" I muttered slightly louder than was really necessary. Then, I heard a man's voice from the next aisle, "Some guys have all the luck!" Anyway, I started talking to a voluptuous young brunette woman, because whenever I do summat like that, the missus just seems to appear out of nowhere. I finally located her in the frozen food section. Apparently, she had leaned into the freezer in an attempt to extricate a packet of vichyssoise and five fish fingers grabbed her by the throat!
The hospital phoned yesterday: "Your Mother-in-Law has been admitted this morning". I asked the matron: "How is she?" She replied: "I'm afraid she's critical". I sez: "Yeah, but you get used to that..."
Remember folks, no matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationary! If you want to keep up with all the latest jocular gubbins, then visit my website. Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington for a chortle and a guffaw. You can email me too: email@example.com Now, get back to work!
Monday, 7 January 2019
To the person who stole my anti-depressants. I hope you’re happy now. Moreover, I’d like to inform the geezer who nicked my train set: “What goes around.....”
I caught a spider yesterday. The missus sez: "Don't kill it, take it out." So I did, nice spider. Her name was Simone and she's hoping to become a web designer...
I sez to the window cleaner, "Because I caught you peeping at the missus through the bathroom window, I'm confiscating your ladders, and furthermore, if I catch you doing it again, further steps will be taken"....
If perchance Ryanair retains the most unpopular airline award this year, will they will break the record set in 1945 by the Luftwaffe.
The man who created the worldwide chain of Showcase cinemas has died. He was 91. His funeral is next Tuesday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.
I am trying to make friends outside of social media platforms, by applying those very same principles to everyday life. Consequently, each day I walk down the High Street and stop folk to inform them exactly what I have had for brekkie, how I feel at the moment, what I have done in Wetherspoons the night before, what I will do later and that I met Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert at my local pub, The Pit Bull and Stanley Knife. I give them pictures of my family, my dog Alfie and of me putting the wheelie bins out, platting fog, paddling my kayak, watering the aspidistra, standing in front of landmarks, driving up Scropton Street, visiting the abbatoir, scoffing a Greggs vegan pastie and doing stuff anybody and everybody does every single day. I also eavesdrop on their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them. Moreover, it works just like Facebook and Twitter, because I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist. I told my doctor that I’m addicted to Twitter. He sez: “I’m not following you...
The missus asked me last night if I thought she was wearing too much lipstick. I said it depended on whether she was going out with the sole intention of killing Batman or not. The reverberations of that statement still echo around my lug holes!
Last week, I visited the Patent office, to register a new invention that I had dreamed up. I told the clerk, "I've invented a folding bottle, I call it a ‘Fottle’ can I register it?" The clerk replied, "That's a rubbish concept, it'll never work" I carried on, informing him, "Well I've invented a folding kettle, I call it a “Fettle’ is that any good?" "Nope! It's been done already, pal." He curtly informed me. I didn't even bother to tell him about my folding bucket...
Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: firstname.lastname@example.org. Now, get back to work.
Wednesday, 26 December 2018
“So, let me get this straight - the drone you saw over Gatwick Airport was shaped like a sledge, being driven by a rotund, bearded chap in a red suit, being pulled by six what?"
I missed my old Nan at Christmas dinner, but I know she was there looking down on us. Bemoaning the fact that the stair lift was still broken...
This year, I left my Christmas shopping far too late and ended up getting it all done at the local petrol station on Christmas Day morn. I thought the limited selection would leave me in an unfavourable position; however, it was quite the reverse. The missus squealed with delight when she opened her ‘L’ plates and ran over and gave me a massive hug! I don’t quite know why she went out to look on the driveway though. Moreover, I’m still quite perplexed why she asked for a red lamb bikini for Christmas. What’s one of them then?
Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?" Me: "Can't say I do." Therapist: "That's one of them."
If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced. This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.
I phoned a Radio Station, to enter their competition. The presenter sez: "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Grand Star Prize"..Me: "That's Fantastic!" The presenter "It's a Maths Question."
Me: I've got a degree in Mathematics from University," Presenter "to win our grand prize of 2 tickets to a Manchester United game and to meet the players" Presenter: "what is 2+2 ?" "7", I replied....
It's just been announced that they're not making shortbread any longer.
Does anyone else stop their microwave one second before it finishes and pretend you have just defused a bomb, or is it just me?
Quote: “She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say ‘when’.” (P. G. Wodehouse, writer, 1881-1975)
Never, ever forget that time passes really quickly and you don't even notice it until it begins to show. So, use the best cutlery, go on that exotic holiday to Rhyl, eat that chocolate cake, watch Netfilx until 3am read the latest John Grisham novel and take a chance in life. Tomorrow is promised to no one. Barmy Albert told me that.
In 2019, remember those who matter most to you, those who never did and those who won't anymore. Moreover, the important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Don’t fret about the present, either, coz I haven’t bought you one! There’s the gift that goes on giving though, namely my website: www.ComedianUK.com give it a visit and continue the quest! You can email me: email@example.com Now, get back to work! HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my readers!!
Wednesday, 19 December 2018
Best view on Brexit I've heard to date..
Aussie (ex PM) Tony Abbott sums it up beautifully!-----
(If it resonates and you feel others may like to contemplate its sentiment, copy and paste far and wide)
It’s pretty hard for Britain’s friends, here in Australia, to make sense of the mess that’s being made of Brexit. The referendum result was perhaps the biggest-ever vote of confidence in the United Kingdom, its past and its future. But the British establishment doesn’t seem to share that confidence and instead looks desperate to cut a deal, even if that means staying under the rule of Brussels. Looking at this from abroad, it’s baffling: the country that did the most to bring democracy into the modern world might yet throw away the chance to take charge of its own destiny.
Let’s get one thing straight: a negotiation that you’re not prepared to walk away from is not a negotiation — it’s surrender. It’s all give and no get. When David Cameron tried to renegotiate Britain’s EU membership, he was sent packing because Brussels judged (rightly) that he’d never actually back leaving. And since then, Brussels has made no real concessions to Theresa May because it judges (rightly, it seems) that she’s desperate for whatever deal she can get.
The EU’s palpable desire to punish Britain for leaving vindicates the Brexit project. Its position, now, is that there’s only one ‘deal’ on offer, whereby the UK retains all of the burdens of EU membership but with no say in setting the rules. The EU seems to think that Britain will go along with this because it’s terrified of no deal. Or, to put it another way, terrified of the prospect of its own independence.
But even after two years of fearmongering and vacillation, it’s not too late for robust leadership to deliver the Brexit that people voted for. It’s time for Britain to announce what it will do if the EU can’t make an acceptable offer by March 29 next year — and how it would handle no deal. Freed from EU rules, Britain would automatically revert to world trade, using rules agreed by the World Trade Organization. It works pretty well for Australia. So why on earth would it not work just as well for the world’s fifth-largest economy?
A world trade Brexit lets Britain set its own rules. It can say, right now, that it will not impose any tariff or quota on European produce and would recognise all EU product standards. That means no border controls for goods coming from Europe to Britain. You don’t need to negotiate this: just do it. If Europe knows what’s in its own best interests, it would fully reciprocate in order to maintain entirely free trade and full mutual recognition of standards right across Europe.
Next, the UK should declare that Europeans already living here should have the right to remain permanently — and, of course, become British citizens if they wish. This should be a unilateral offer. Again, you don’t need a deal. You don’t need Michel Barnier’s permission. If Europe knows what’s best for itself, it would likewise allow Britons to stay where they are.
Third, there should continue to be free movement of people from Europe into Britain — but with a few conditions. Only for work, not welfare. And with a foreign worker’s tax on the employer, to make sure anyone coming in would not be displacing British workers.
Fourth, no ‘divorce bill’ whatsoever should be paid to Brussels. The UK government would assume the EU’s property and liabilities in Britain, and the EU would assume Britain’s share of these in Europe. If Britain was getting its fair share, these would balance out; and if Britain wasn’t getting its fair share, it’s the EU that should be paying Britain.
Finally, there’s no need on Britain’s part for a hard border with Ireland. Britain wouldn’t be imposing tariffs on European goods, so there’s no money to collect. The UK has exactly the same product standards as the Republic, so let’s not pretend you need to check for problems we all know don’t exist. Some changes may be needed but technology allows for smart borders: there was never any need for a Cold War-style Checkpoint Charlie. Irish citizens, of course, have the right to live and work in the UK in an agreement that long predates EU membership.
Of course, the EU might not like this British leap for independence. It might hit out with tariffs and impose burdens on Britain as it does on the US — but WTO rules put a cap on any retaliatory action. The worst it can get? We’re talking levies of an average 4 or 5 per cent. Which would be more than offset by a post-Brexit devaluation of the pound (which would have the added bonus of making British goods more competitive everywhere).
UK officialdom assumes that a deal is vital, which is why so little thought has been put into how Britain might just walk away. Instead, officials have concocted lurid scenarios featuring runs on the pound, gridlock at ports, grounded aircraft, hoarding of medicines and flights of investment. It’s been the pre-referendum Project Fear campaign on steroids. And let’s not forget how employment, investment and economic growth ticked up after the referendum.
As a former prime minister of Australia and a lifelong friend of your country, I would say this: Britain has nothing to lose except the shackles that the EU imposes on it. After the courage shown by its citizens in the referendum, it would be a tragedy if political leaders go wobbly now. Britain’s future has always been global, rather than just with Europe. Like so many of Britain’s admirers, I want to see this great country seize this chance and make the most of it.
Tony Abbott served as Prime Minister of Australia from 2013 to 2015
Sunday, 16 December 2018
Breaking News: Theresa May has confirmed that the United Kingdom will leave the EU as soon as the DFS Sale ends. You heard it here first folks!
A Viking named Rudolph the Red woke up one morning, he gazed out of the window, then declared: “It’s gonna be chuckin’ it down all day today!” His missus asked him: “But how do you know that?” He replied: “Coz, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear....”
I am thinking of starting a dating agency for old comedians. Going to call it Trinder.
My daughter just came running up to me; "daddy daddy! I've changed my mind. I don't want a bike for Christmas any more!" "Why not?" I asked. "Because I've just found one behind the wardrobe."
My pal James H Reeve sez: "I visited my Welsh doctor last week and after a thorough examination, he’s prescribed Prestatins for me...."
To see what's on the BBC this Christmastide, get yourself a copy of the Radio Times from 1976, or thereabouts.
Ten Reasons Why Santa Is A Man:
1. No dress sense whatsoever.
2. Never replies to your letters.
3. The chances of getting what you ask for are zero.
4. Big beer belly.
5. Will only commit to one day a year.
6. Obsessed with stockings.
7. He never stops to ask for directions.
8. Too bone idle to shave.
9. He always wears the same outfit.
10. Only willing to do a job where people leave food and ale out for him and he doesn't wash the pots up afterwards.
Wind up your relatives this Christmas, by sending them a heartfelt greetings card with a picture of your family that includes a child that nobody knows...
Opened a Christmas card yesterday and basmati rice went everywhere! It was from my Uncle Ben!
My Nan once told me, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away". I wonder if it's true, or yet another one of Granny's myths?
You never know what goes on in the cranium of a kid! Over Christmas, the missus had a dinner party for friends and family, some of whom we hadn’t seen for ages. Everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All through the meal the wife's friend's four year old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my utmost to ignore her, but finally it was too much for me.
I asked her, “Why do you keep staring at me?” Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the whole table went quiet for her response. The little girl sez, “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
If you see a fat man, who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit, and if he is chuckling and laughing away,while flying around in a miniature sleigh,With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, Then let's face it...You’re bladdered, gerroff home!Visit my Festive Jokey Blog! www.ComedianUK.com. Now, get carving that turkey!
Monday, 10 December 2018
Riddle me this: You have 78 Christmas prezzies. First, subtract your age. Then add 40. That is the year that you were born. Fascinating!
I got the missus some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so she'd know when to stop unwrapping.
I was given a pirate copy of Bohemian Rhapsody. The picture quality really was quite appalling. All that I could see was a little silhouette of a man....
BREAKING NEWS.......A Manchester cinema was robbed yesterday. Police are urging witnesses to come forward. Two masked gunmen escaped with an estimated total of £2,250 in goods. It’s believed the men have made off with four hot dogs, 2 medium Cokey-Cola’s, a family size popcorn and a bag of Nachos...
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus: Dear Santa, ‘Please send me a baby brother.’
Santa wrote back: 'Send me your mother...'
Barmy Albert walked into his local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, sat down next to Non-Stick Nora and stared up at the telly as News At Ten came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. Nora looked at Albert and declared: "Do you think he'll jump?" Albert replied: "You know what, I reckon he will." Nora thought for a moment and sez: "Well, I bet he won't." Barmy Albert placed a tenner on the bar and proclaimed: "You're on!" Just as Nora placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. Nora was most upset and handed her ten pound note to Albert saying: "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Albert replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the six o'clock news and knew he would jump." Non-Stick Nora replied: "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again...."
Top Christmas Tip: Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together whole potatoes.
BREAKING NEWS: Greater Manchester Police are investigating a new football betting scandal. Someone has put a £10 on a Man Utd win next weekend. Mourinho is planting carrots and spuds around the perimeter of the pitch at Old Trafford, so he'll have summat to pick up at the end of the season.
Two old caterpillars are nibbling on a dock leaf when all of a sudden a butterfly zooms by, startling them. One turns to the other and says, "Hey dude, you'd never get me up in one of those things”.
Yes folks, it’s nearly THAT time of year again! The month of December is where we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com
Monday, 3 December 2018
I don’t have an advent calendar, so I’m just opening random cupboard doors and scoffing anything that’s in there!
Before Christmas, Britain needs to conduct another referendum. This time, on whether or not to ban sprouts.
I spotted a sign offering a ‘Dickensian Christmas’. 6 am wake-up call. Then, feast on a bowl of salted gruel, followed by 18 hours hard labour in the workhouse. I’ve already booked the missus in!
Due to freezing temperatures, parents are advised to wear two pairs of pyjamas when picking up their kids from school.
I was on the train chewing some Wrigleys Spearmint gum, when an old lady sat in the seat opposite curtly informed me: ."It's no use talking to me, dear. I'm as deaf as a post".
Q) What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A) A Labracadabrador
Non-Stick Nora comes running into the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife pub and shouts to Barmy Albert."Albert! Some scallywag has just nicked your car off the car park." "Did you get a look at his face, Nora?" Nora replied: "No but I got the licence plate number!" Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity....
The missus sez to me "There's no such thing as problems, there are only opportunities." I replied, "That's brilliant! Because, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
My American mate just said to me, "Have you ever hunted bear?" I said, "No, mate, but I went fishing once in just my socks".
Old Jokes Home: A balding old man walked into a jewellers shop, late on Friday evening with a drop-dead gawjus young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The man opined: “No, I'd like to see summat more special.” Upon hearing this, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000” the jeweller sez. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We'll take it!” ' The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated,”By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.” On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old bloke and sez “The cheque was returned due to insufficient funds in your account.” “Never mind all that gubbins!” shouted the old geezer, “Let me tell you about the FANTASTIC WEEKEND I just had!”
Coming home late from a gig through some very lonely, desolate tarmacadam infrastructure, with only Eddie Stobart for company, all of us go a tad doo-lally, whether from stage fright, or just the all-night drive, we become a contender in a scenario that no one else has ever experienced. Join me in this nightmare farrago by clicking on www.ComedianUK.com or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org NOW, GET BACK TO WORK!