Search This Blog

Monday, 12 March 2018

The Sexist....


I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.

9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices ... my children are taken by social services
It's been snowing all night. So ....

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman

8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's
voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere

8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead

8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts

8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white..

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman to wear a burqa

8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended

8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role

8:43 The council equalities officer arrived and threatened me with eviction

8:45 TV news crew from the BBC shows up.
9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the St demanding for me to be beheaded

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live


Sunday, 11 March 2018

The Eureka Moment!


I’ve had a Eureka moment! Hey lads! Listen up! I’ve finally worked it out. The bestest way to get a woman to change her mind is to agree with her in the first place! You heard it here first folks!


Little Nellie (aged 9) was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mummy,” she said. “Can we go home now?” “No,” her mother replied. “Well, I think I have to throw up!” “Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.” In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. “Did you throw up?” her mother asked. “Yes,” the little girl replied. “Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?” “I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mum.” the little girl replied. “They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the sick’.”


I asked the missus to describe me in five words. She sez I'm moral, I'm mature, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she also added that I possess a fundamental lack of understanding with regard to apostrophes and spaces. Hmmmm. Fascinating innit?


Just read an article in the newspaper about the first three minutes when you are born. They reckon that this is the most dangerous time in anyone's life. The last three minutes can't be all that clever either....

I saw a spiritualist medium last week. She told me that a huge amount of cash was coming my way. The very next day, I got knocked over by a Securicor van. Spooky or what?


I visited my doctor for my annual medical check-up. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I'm nearly sixty.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke Cuban cigars, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?" "Oh no," I replied. 'I'm virtually teetotal and have never smoked".  Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "Not much... they reckon that all red meat is very unhealthy" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or fishing?" "No, I don't," I replied. He asked, "Do you gamble on horses, drive fast cars, or have lots of different sexual partners?" "Definitely not!”I sez.. He looked at me and declared: "Then, why do you give a fuck?"


If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email


Sunday, 4 March 2018

The Bird Expert....


Non-Stick Nora told Barmy Albert that his jeans originated in Africa, many millions of years ago...Well he looked at the label when she left and it turns out they came from Taiwan in 2017. Fascinating!

"Waiter, this soup is cold!" "Actually sir, it's gazpacho." "Gazpacho - this soup is cold!"

I attended a memorabilia auction with Barmy Albert. I bought a hand signed Ronnie Corbett photograph and he bought a genuine autograph of Ronnie Barker. So it’s good buy from me and good buy from him! Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

A Vegan once told me that butchers who sell meat are disgraceful. I sez: “People who sell fruit and veg are grocer!”

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a morbid fear of thinking that there was a ‘bogey-man’ under my bed at night. So I went to see a psychiatrist to seek learned counselling on this underlying issue. I told him: “I've got severe problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm frightened and I think I'm going bananas.” “Just put your good self in my hands for twelve months,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to rid you of those fears...” “How much do you charge?” “£80 plus VAT per appointment,” replied the doctor. “I'll sleep on it,” I said. Six months later, I bumped into the doctor on the High Street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked. “Well, at eighty quid plus VAT per visit, multiplied by three times a week, for a whole year is an awful lot of moolah! The barman at Wetherspoons cured me for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and bought myself a new Land Rover Discovery!” “Is that right!” With a bit of an attitude, he replied, “And how, may I ask, did a mere barperson cure you?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't anybody under there now!”

Due to the inclement weather, schools are asking mums to wear two pairs of pyjamas when picking kids up. Such is life...


I’ve had a Eureka moment! Hey lads! Listen up! I’ve finally worked it out. The bestest way to get a woman to change her mind is to agree with her in the first place! You heard it here first folks!

When it comes to mucking up everyday sayings, I've been that, done there, got the tea bag....

Corns and bunion pain exacerbated with athletes foot malady? I can't help you with that, but I can tell you that the secret to lasting hair growth is to tell the world about this gloppy column and my Jokey-Blog. Just click on all you have to do is tell your friends and family and your friends and families friends and family and then, do it all over again.


Monday, 26 February 2018

The Bleak Midwinter....


The snow was so thick in Glossop this week, I asked a snowman the time and he just stared at me! I do like it when it snows though. My garden looks like everybody else’s...

                                                              Two feet of snow here!

This bloke comes home early from work, only to find his best mate in bed in bed with his missus. Anger took over; he got his gun and shot him! His wife looked at him with much disdain and said: “If you carry on behaving like this, you’re going to have no friends left!”


I was languishing in the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife Public House last night, larruping back copious tankards of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best Bitter British Beer, when I said to the missus, "Have I told you that you look absolutely divine tonight?" "No, you haven't" she said with a bashful smile. "Well, there's a reason for that," I replied....

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole. So, now we know. Fascinating innit!!


Well I never! According to the most current magazine in my dentist’s waiting room, every home in the UK will have a television by 1962. Fascinating!

Barmy Albert and Dastardly Derek were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Albert sez, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’ Derek replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’

I asked the missus to toast some bread for me. She raised her wine glass and shouted: “Here’s to bread!” She lost her last job because she had rheumatism in the shoulder. Consequently, she couldn’t throw the harpoon anymore.


Fascinating Fact: Did you know that there are more aeroplanes in the sea than there are submarines in the sky.


Quote for Thursday: "Write a funny anecdote and your name will live forever." – Anonymous.

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: Email me: Now, get back to work. Spring is just around the corner! Top of Form


Sunday, 18 February 2018

The Spaghetti Alphahabetti Confetti...


I was having Alphabetti Spaghetti for breakfast but could only spell the word ‘Oooooooooo’. Upon further inspection, I noticed that it was a tin of Spaghetti Hoops.


I asked the missus to toast some bread for me. She raised her wine glass and shouted: “Here’s to bread!” She lost her last job because she had rheumatism in the shoulder. Consequently, she couldn’t throw the harpoon anymore.


Upon visiting the optician, last week, I informed him I can see two years into the future. He reckons I've got 2020 vision!


Thought for Thursday: Some people are real. Some people are good. Some people are fake. Then some folk are real good at being fake...

British Gas rang yesterday morning and curtly informed me: "The meter readings you provided us with for the winter season, seem to be suspiciously low." I sez, "Yeah, I've never actually read the meters. I just think beforehand how much I feel like paying, and then I adjust the figures to suit." "Sir, that is fraudulent, you can't do that!" She curtly informed me. I replied, "Well, it's a system that seems to work all right for you robbing swines!"


The missus (or Jurassic Park in Knickers, as I lovingly refer to her.) was counting all the five and ten pence coins out on the kitchenette table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting, screaming and crying for no apparent reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

Walking into Tesco and placing the bag on the counter at customer services, I sez to the assistant, "I'd like to return this, please." "Is there anything wrong with the item?" she asked. "Nothing whatsoever." I replied. "It's hardly been used, I just don’t need it anymore." "Sir, this bag is empty," the assistant sarcastically informed me. "That's correct," I sez. "I'd like my five pence back please." While I was in Tesco, I bought some rocket salad, but it went off before I could eat it!

On Monday, I escorted the mother-in-law to her doctor’s appointment. She had a carrot stuck fast up her nose, a banana jammed in one ear and a cucumber was lodged in her other ear! The doctor asked me, “What seems to be the problem?”I said “Well, I’m no medical expert myself, doctor. But I don't reckon that she's eating properly.”

After being wheeled out of the operating theatre, the patient whispered to the matron, “I’m fine, but I didn’t like the four- letter word that I overheard the surgeon use during the operation.” “What did he say?” enquired the Matron. ‘Oops!’ came the reply...

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at It’s if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!


Wednesday, 14 February 2018

A Valentines Day Poem....

THANKYOU for the flowers, she said,
as she slowly raised her head,
I'm sorry for the things I said last night,
I was wrong, and you were right,
So I forgave her, there and then,
and as we whiled away the hours,
I thought to myself, WHAT F***ING FLOWERS!!

Barmy Albert was in the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife Pubic House, up Scropton St, with Non-Stick Nora on Valentines night and he whispered: "I love you". She replied; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He sez, "It's me talking to the beer...".

With it being Valentines Day today, I've just said those three little words to the missus. "I'm off out..."

For Valentines Day, I've found summat that the missus looks really good in. The f***ing distance!

I sez to the missus in bed this morning, "It's Valentines Day, do that thing that you do with your mouth." She sez, "Ooooh, what do you mean?" I sez, "Shut the f**ck up."

The moment you realise your wholemeal loaf has a Valentines Day date and you haven't....

Sunday, 11 February 2018

The Winter Olympics...


I was watching the Winter Olympics from Pyeongchang and the speed skating was fantastic! I tried speed skating on ten pints of beer once and it's not as easy as it looks. I reckon that if you’re competing in cross-country skiing, you should choose a very small country. When my granddad was on his deathbed, the doctor instructed the nurses to attach skates to his feet. He went downhill rapidly after that. Personally though, I wouldn’t go down that bobsleigh track until it had been gritted. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!


Some years ago in Manchester a guy decided to open a school for comedy and he got quite a few people who wanted to be comedians, including one bloke who lived in the South West, but was desperate to do comedy so he asked the teacher for advice and was told to pack his job in, move to Manchester and when he went to sign on the dole, he should tell them that he was a qualified lion tamer (in the hope that of them never finding him a job) imagine his surprise when they offered him a job at Belle Vue Circus! I remember the headlines in this very newspaper!
A bloke who took British Airways to court because they mislaid his luggage has lost his case. Whereas, a neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert...

This morning, as I power-walked past the gym, I saw some idiot put a bottle of Buxton Spring Water in the Pringles holder on the treadmill. Sometimes, I go on the rowing machine. I just sit there and drift....

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more. They start believing in the hereafter. They run upstairs and think, "What the flamin’ hell have I come up here after?"


Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that miniscule shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: or email me: