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Saturday, 17 April 2021

๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ Summertime, and the lockdown is easing.... ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ

 

                         




On Monday the 12th of April, although it was Baltic conditions and so cold that I had to wear two pairs of bootlaces; I decided to visit my local, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife public house, in order to take full advantage of the easing of lockdown farrago. Imagine my surprise, when the Ethel the barmaid asked me to download the NHS Covid app, before I could be admitted to the outside beer garden, via the empty pub. When I got outside (from being already outside!) it was so cold that I deleted the NHS Covid app and installed the NHS Hypothermia app. I answered all the questions and I got a positive test! I actually had hypothermia! I was frozen solid, so went home for a warm, where I received a frosty reception from the missus.



This time last year, I wrote in this column: “Just had a great idea! If the lockdown continues until December then we could have 6 foot long Christmas crackers!” I’m now wondering if it will continue until Christmas 2021?



Thursday Thought: I’m not an enthusiastic devotee of litotes, but I do reckon that hyperbole is the finest thing in the whole universe.



Some really amusing oxymoron’s are: Fun run, found missing, open secret, small crowd, act naturally, fully empty, pretty ugly, original copy, only choice, liquid gas. However, the best of the crop must be either: Social distancing or comedian Paddy McGuinness.

                                             



Yet another lockdown argument between me and the missus ensued yesterday. She told me that now all the non-essential shops are back open and she had a bag full of used clothes to donate to the charity outlet. I advised her to just take it to the tip, because that’d be a lot easier. She opined: “But there are poor, starving folk who could really use all these clothes.” When I replied: “Anyone who can fit into your clothes, certainly isn’t starving.” That’s when the fight started!



The missus reckoned that to alleviate the lockdown monotony, I should go into the garden and make a bird table, which I dutifully did. However, she went absolutely ballistic when I put her in fifth place. There’s no pleasing some folk.

                                                  



Top tip: Never do anything that you’d be ashamed to tell a paramedic...



Non-Stick Nora made Barmy Albert a tongue sandwich. He complained that he was unable to consume anything that came from an animal’s mouth. So Nora gave him a boiled egg.



Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. However, a wider window of opportunity can be obtained during Easter and Bank Holiday Monday on any year.

                                               


A helium atom walks into a bar. The barman says, "We don't serve noble gases here." The atom didn't react. He wasn’t wearing a mask and hadn’t downloaded the NHS Covid app.



Another Covid side-effect is malady is paranoid amnesia. You can't remember who you don't trust...



If Aliens looked down from their spaceship and witnessed us humans picking up dog poo, then who would they think are the dominant species? 



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer faรงade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com
                                                     




Saturday, 10 April 2021

Deaf offer salesman.....

                                           





My father was a door-to-door salesman who sold doors. Of course, when he knocked on someone’s door to try & sell ‘em a door, it was painfully obvious that they already had one. It was an fruitless occupation. He then left that job and went to work for a company that manufactured toilet rolls and light bulbs. Well I think he did because that’s all he ever brought home. He only ever hit me once, but I’ll never forget it. He was in a Ford Cortina.



My grandfather would constantly offer me sound advice. He would say: “Always buy Bang & Olufsen speakers.” During the war, he was constantly on the lookout for German bombers. He was a lifeguard at Dortmund swimming baths. We were terribly upset when he had to go into a nursing home. I phoned to check on his wellbeing and the matron informed me that he’d sadly passed away that very morning at breakfast time. I asked her what he’d had for his final breakfast and she sez: “Cheerios...”



It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day like today, that you realise how many of them just suddenly burst into flames….



Had one of those scam phone calls, yesterday. The voice told me that he was from The Official Receivers Office. I sez “Are you winding me up?”



I asked the missus, "What is your esteemed opinion on the present state of English football?" "It's bobbins," she replied. "Absolute rubbish." "More than likely," I sez, "but let's hear it anyway....."



I got home really late last night from the freezing cold beer garden at the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and the missus was on the prowl with a rolling pin. One has to think on one's feet on these stressful occasions, so quick as a flash I sez “Sorry I’m late, my darling, but they had a competition in the pub beer garden to ascertain who had the most fantastic partner, and I got to the final.”

                                                      



A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick."Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't." 



If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the hilarious comic Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com
                                 




Monday, 5 April 2021

The Long Easter - Good Friday - Bank Holiday Monday Lockdown Limbo Lunacy Lark....

                               




What with all the raves and illegal gatherings that occurred nationwide when we had that sunny spell last week, police have now been given the power to break up groups. Can they start with Coldplay?

 

It was so cold over the Easter weekend. I saw a Scouser with his hands in his own pockets!



Many moons ago, they built a place in Liverpool called Knowsley Safari Park and it was constructed adjacent to a massive council estate. The tenants association took umbrage and vehemently complained, citing the horrendous situation that would ensue, if a lion or a gorilla escaped. The Lord Mayor advised that if this occurred, the lion or gorilla would just have to fend for itself.



Honestly, there are some odd folk hereabouts. Yesterday, I politely asked a bloke outside the local Co-op if I could borrow his mask for a minute or two, as I'd forgotten mine. You should have heard him. I thought we were all in this together!



Treat your face mask exactly like your under garments. 1) Do not touch or adjust in public. 2) Ensure the fit is tight, but comfy. 3) Do not wear anyone elses. 4) Make sure it’s clean. 5) If damp, change it. 6) DON’T go commando!


                                              



Barmy Albert went for his second jab and the nurse asked him if he would like to buy a Cup Final ticket! Finally, some progress!



Don’t forget the Boris roadmap to get us out of the lockdown, quarantine lark. As from the 12th of April, you can go inside a pub, but only to get back outside and sit in a covered area in the tempestuous freezing cold rain and sleet. You are allowed to go inside to use the toilet, but cannot go to use the toilet outside. You can only sit inside the covered area, if it is outside. If it all becomes too much for you, then you can go home by going inside the pub, to get outside, then go home and be inside again. You may walk past the bar to visit the khazi, but must not under any circumstances buy a pint at the bar. This must only be done by staff, for safety reasons. Indeed, only bar staff can serve outside drinks inside the covered area that is outside. You may sit with up to six people, unless you have a bigger family, then it’s a free-for-all. A Scotch egg will no longer protect you from the virus, neither will closing the pub at 10 pm. This only applies if you’re outside. I hope this is clear. Have a lovely summer, folks!

                                                                



Whilst freezing in the garden, why not sing some quarantine songs! For instance, there is: “Summertime, and the lockdown is easing!” or “For he’s on a jolly good furlough, for he’s on a jolly good furlough and so say all of us!”





You’re not fat. You’re just easier to see! You can always tell that you’ve put on weight. When you get in the bath and the water in the toilet rises. The missus sez I should get in shape. Round IS a shape!”


                                     



The accounts described in this gloppy column are merely recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text, such as Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become incontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, behave yourself and get back to work! The summer is a comin’!