Search This Blog

Monday, 21 September 2020

The Covid test debacle....

                                


I miss precedented times.  All these unprecedented times are driving me doo-lally! You’ve got to take a Covid test, but Matt Hancock sez they’re not available because too many folk are turning up to be tested!  Go figure!

 

We were in the Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife last night when Barmy Albert turned up in the most embarrassing shirt you have ever seen. “Cost me fifty flamin’ quid this!’ I sez to him “I hope you kept the receipt"  “Too right" he replied, "First thing tomorrow, this is going straight back to the Man United club shop...”

 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but where we went terribly wrong was naming the pandemic Covid. If perchance, we’d have called it Everton, it would have never have made it into Europe. You can always tell a Scouser, but you cannot tell ‘em much.

                                                  



Boris was visiting an old folk’s home purely as a publicity stunt to show how sympathetic he was to the Covid problem in the elderly. He went up to nonagenarian Elsie Grabknuckle, who was in a wheelchair and sez: - “Do you know who I am?” “No, I don’t” she replied “but if you ask Matron, she will tell you.”

 

A random woman buttonholed Non-Stick Nora in the local Co-op and haughtily announced: - “You’re supposed to be wearing a mask!”  Nora gazed at the harridan with a saturnine grimace and replied: - “I’m supposed to be wearing underwear too, yet here we are....”

                                        

Meanwhile, in the Amazonian forest, a group of intrepid explorers hear distant drumming. As they journey nearer to the sound, the percussion abruptly stops and the native guide suddenly seems most perturbed.  The expedition's leader asks him: - "What's going on?" The guide sez:- “Very bad when drumming stops." So the explorer’s leader asks "Why, what happens then?"  The guide explains: - "Bass solo starts."   This reminds me of the drummer who inadvertently locked his keys in his car and couldn’t get the bass player out...

                                                 

Being currently self-unemployed and skint, I’ve taken to selling a few items on eBay.  Last week, I sold a homing pigeon 241 times! Then it started going awry. I sold all my Adele collection of CD’s (albums & singles). In good faith, I posted them all to the purchaser, but have received no money. It’s been almost six weeks now. Should I give up or should I just keep on chasing payments?  Furthermore, should we leave the EU without Adele?

                                                



Breaking News: McAfee, Norton and AVG have joined the race to come up with a vaccine!

 

Quote: - Dominic Cummings, who has the perpetually disappointed look of someone who wanted to sell his soul to Satan, only to find he hasn’t got one. Frankie Boyle.

 

Don't let COVID 19 kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

 

                                          



Friday, 11 September 2020

The new quarantine Monday lockdown lark. (In a limited and specific manner...)



With the announcement of yet newer lockdown rules coming into force last Monday, I reckon that I’d feel safer if COVID-19 held a press conference and told us how to protect ourselves from Boris and his cronies!


David Tennants portrayal of Denis Nielsen is phenomenal. However, the choice of music in the opening credits, namely Frank Ifield singing “I’ll Dismember You” was in my opinion, poor taste...

 

 Moreover, one would have thought that while the cast of Eastenders had three months enforced Sabbatical they would have indulged in a few acting lessons.



Wallpaper peeling off the walls. Windows constantly steamed up. If anybody has got any idea how to fix my terrible condensation problem, then please pop round. The kettle's always on!

Thursday Thought:- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.




The missus asked me what I was Googling on the PC. "I sez.”I'm looking for some cheap flights," "Oh that's brilliant," she cooed. "Have you had any luck? I'll help you if you want." It's weird coz she's never shown any interest in darts before now.

I was incandescent with rage last Monday. Considering who I can call, to complain about gatherings and parties. Gatherings of more than six people are prohibited. I definitely counted at least seven folk next door. It’s not fair that we are entering yet another lockdown and everyone is so nonchalant. There were copious amounts of beer, not to mention a barbecue and they were playing Bob Marley music really loud. It makes me furious to think how many can get infected. I pondered on contacting the local constabulary to report this appalling incident and then Barmy Albert had the common courtesy to invite me to join them. Onward and upward! Wahay!



I am thinking of making an investment in some land and I’m considering buying a ball park. Does anybody know how much they cost? A rough estimate will suffice.

Grandads gone into a nursing home and I phoned to see how he was getting on. The matron sez, "He's like a fish out of water." I asked her if he was finding it difficult to adjust to his new surroundings. "No" she sniffed, "He's dead"...

I have flabby thighs, but I am fortunate that my stomach covers them.



I renewed my car insurance over the phone today, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet. I said, "Yes, I've got a dog called Alfie." She said, "Would you like to insure him too?" I sez, "No thanks, he can't drive!"

I’ve got some racing geese for sale. Let me know if you want a quick gander!..

Charlie Chaplin lived 88 years. He left us 3 important statements:
(1) Nothing is forever in this world, not even our problems.
(2) I love walking in the rain because no one can see my tears.
(3) The most lost day in life is the day we don't laugh.
Life is just a journey! Therefore, live for today! Tomorrow may not be. Now visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington. Then get back to quarantine and wash ya hands!

Sunday, 6 September 2020

The Covid test debacle....




BBC News: "People sent long distances for Covid tests" I've heard people have travelled from London to Castle Barnard to get their eyes tested, too.

Non Stick Nora wanted a divorce because of Barmy Albert’s obsession with metaphors. He told me:- “It came like a bolt out of the blue, you could have knocked me down with a feather, took the wind right out of my sails, I can tell yer...” Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

What kept everything stuck down before Newton invented gravity?

Thursday Mathematical Quiz: - George is 82 his girlfriend is 22. How much money has George got? Obviously, more than sense!



Fascinating Fact:-Caerphilly cheese is cheese made carefully whilst Edam is made backwards.

Just one more sleep until I lose my job as a night security guard. It’s much better than actually working at the Job Centre. If you lost your job there, you’d still have to go back the following day. In retrospect, I’ve lost many a good job through the sack. My last boss asked me if I could think of a number between P44 and P46. The missus lost her job too. She’s developed rheumatism in the shoulder and can’t throw the harpoon any more. It’s all very sad...

Over the weekend, I received a weird text from a number I didn't know. I texted back, "Who is this?" Then got a message back saying, "I'm your worst nightmare!" This left me rather perplexed as the missus was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time. Moreover,
Whenever a woman sez, "We need to talk," why is it never about football?

A little girl and a little boy were at nursery. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, you wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband." That’s when the fight started!

My little dog Alfie won't stop barking at me! I think that he's asking to call in the betting shop, after which he wants to go walkies down the pub to watch the footie. Then he would like to have an hour at the lap-dancing bar. After that, he wants to pick up a curry on the way home! The sacrifices I have to make.....

Why is ballet pronounced ballet and wallet pronounced wallet but not wallet? The English language is totally weird. It can be understood better by using tough, thorough thought though....

The wife accused me of being tight-fisted. To prove her wrong, I took her out for tea and biscuits. She was quite surprised, as she has never donated blood before.




Q) What do I, as a common person, have to do to become an affiliate of this weekly humour column?" A) Well, it's simple. First, stop being common. Next, log on to my website www.ComedianUK.com and answer the following question: Did you ever find a potato that resembled a member of your family? If so, who? Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

Tuesday, 1 September 2020

What is the endgame?



I have done my best to respect the diverse opinions regarding COVID-19 over these past few months, but I have these nagging questions about it... A friend posted this and it brilliantly sums up my train of thought:
Please just take politics out of it and read this with an open mind using common sense.
Anyone out there who can tell me what our end game is with the covid 19?
What is the magic formula that is going to allow us to sound the all clear?
Is it zero cases?
The only way that will happen is if we just stop testing and stop reporting.
Is it a vaccine?
It took 25 years for a chicken pox vaccine to be developed.
The smallpox inoculation was discovered in 1796 the last known natural case was in 1977.
We have a flu vaccine that is only 40 to 60% effective and less than half of the UK population choose to get one, and roughly 20,000 British will die of the flu or flu complications.
Oh, you'll mandate it, like other vaccines are mandated in order to attend school, travel to some foreign countries, etc.
We already have a growing number of anti vaxxers refusing proven, tested, well known vaccines that have been administered for decades but aren’t necessarily safe!
Do you really think people will flock to get a fast tracked, quickly tested vaccine, whose long term side effects and overall efficacy are anyone's best guess?
How long are we going to cancel and postpone and reconsider??
What if October's numbers are the same as August's?
You moved football to summer?
What if next March is worse than this one was?
When do we decide quality of life outweighs the risks?
I understand Covid can be deadly or very dangerous for SOME people, but so are peanuts, strawberries, and so is shellfish.
We take risks multiple times a day without a second thought.
We know driving a car can be dangerous, we don't leave it in the garage.
We know the dangers of smoking, drinking and eating fried foods, we do it anyway.
We speed, we don't fasten our seatbelts.
Is hugging Gran really more dangerous than rush hour on the motorway?
Is going out with friends after work more risky than 4 day old petrol station sushi?
Or operating a chainsaw?
When and how did we so quickly lose our free will?
Is there a waiver somewhere I can sign that says, "I understand the risks, but I choose a life with Hugs and Smiles, and the Community Fair and Concerts and Parties."
I understand that there is a minuscule possibility I could die, but I will most likely end up feeling like crap for a few days.
I understand I could possibly pass it to someone else, if I'm not careful, but I can pass any virus onto someone else.
I'm struggling to see where or how this ends.
We either get busy living or we get busy dying.
When God decides it's your time, you don't get any mulligans, so I guess I would rather spend my time enjoying it and living in the moment and not worrying about what ifs and maybes, and I bet I'm not the only one.



(I copied this from a friend. Feel free to do the same.)

Monday, 31 August 2020

The Covid Calamity Continues....



It was the wife’s birthday and she was leaving jewellery catalogues all around the house. So I went to Argos and got her a magazine rack. She wanted me to take her to Las Vegas to see The Temptations. However, with the current Covid travel restrictions, it wasn’t possible. Instead, I took her to Primark and got her the four tops...

Thursday Quiz:- Which Icelandic singer is named after a city in England. Is it:
A. Norwich.
B. York.
C. Doncaster.

To the person who stole my glasses. I have contacts....



I tried my utmost to argue that sixty is the new thirty. However, the policeman still gave me a speeding ticket.

When I was in my teens, I recollect taking this girl back to my house, "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she opined. "What gives you that idea?" I asked. "The scissors" she replied.

I’ve had a really fabulous time, over the August Bank Holiday visiting the mother-in-law. We had a hearty feed, a good few drinks and then danced all night long. We would have gone long into the small hours if we could, but the cemetery shuts at 8pm and we had to go.



Non-Stick Nora fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly, "Nora, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Barmy Albert’s bound to get suspicious." "No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing." "True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"


School is back! A blonde gets a job as a classroom assistant. She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.'You okay?' she says. 'Yeah.' he replies. 'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she sez. 'It's best I stay here.' he replies. 'But why?' asks the blonde. The boy replies: 'Because, I'm the flippin’ goalkeeper!'




On the subject of summer staycation jollies, Tommy Grabknuckle sent an email to a small hotel in a High Peak village that he planned to visit this summer. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed, also very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who emailed: “Dear Sir, I've been running this hotel for twenty years. In all that time, I've never had a dog nick any towels, bedclothes, 32” Plasma TV’s, cutlery, silverware or portraits off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. Moreover, I've never had a dog disappear without settling the hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is very welcome at my hotel. Furthermore, if your dog will vouch for you, then you are welcome to stay here as well."


Saturday, 22 August 2020

The current Covid conflict...



When the missus left, I went really on a downer and took solace in getting another dog and I also bought a new motorbike, had a romantic tryst with the next-door neighbour and spent over five hundred quid on booze and online gambling. She’ll be absolutely furious when she gets home from work. Looks like I’ll be self-isolating for the foreseeable future!

We bought a water bed just before lockdown. Since that time, the missus and I have just drifted apart. A further mitigating factor is that her side has frozen over. Unfortunately, the writing was on the wall and I was well aware of the perils of having a water bed as my uncle Sidney sadly died in one. The house caught fire and he was poached to death!



The missus asked me “What do you love about me?” I looked at her and replied, “ABCDEFGHIJK” She looked at me and opined, “What do they mean” I answered “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot...” The missus sez “Aww, that’s lovely and what about IJK?” I replied, “I’m Just Kidding!” That’s when the fight started!

During lockdown shielding gubbins, Non-Stick Nora began reading The Shining by Stephen King and promptly announced that it was a tome of abject evil. She went to Valehouse reservoir at Tintwistle and hurled the book into the vast expanse of water. Barmy Albert then went out and bought another copy from Tesco, ran it under the kitchen tap and put it in her bedside drawer! Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!



This newspaper sends congratulations and best wishes to Stalybridge stalwart Hugh Zappritti-Boyden on his new role as President of the British Blue Budgerigar Association. COYB!

I was given the opportunity to take the Russian Covid-19 vaccination yesterday and can tell you there are absolutely no negative side effski efectovski secundariosvki Кто может это прочитать Обожаю Владимира Путина!!!



Had an electronic garage door installed. Its voice controlled and opens when it hears the wife’s voice. To be honest, I ain't seen it shut yet...

I’ve quit my new job as a Postman. They handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought “This isn’t for me!”

Doncha just hate it when you walk into a room, forget why you went in there, then ten minutes later, remember that you are a fireman and the place has burnt down?




Nonagenarian Tommy Grabknuckle was dying of old age. Natural causes that were complicated by Covid. Feeling that the end was nigh, he called his solicitor. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for that express degree you told me about?" "It's £50,000," the lawyer sez. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!" Tommy snapped. Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his final invoice would be paid. Suddenly old Tommy was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the final conflict. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, Tommy whispered, "One less lawyer..."

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com





Sunday, 16 August 2020

Covid the cat.....



A female Siamese cat has become the first animal in the UK to be diagnosed with corona virus, Please don’t ask meow! If perchance, it was dognosed and not diagnosed, the outcome would have been horrendous!

Migrants sailing into the United Kingdom on rubber dinghies will now be intercepted by HMS Taxi and HMS Travelodge and then transferred to HMS Benefits. Boris is in charge! Never tar all politicians with the same brush. Use a roller!



Young Quentin opened up his exam results last week, only to discover that that he’d been downgraded. He got two C's, an A, and a D which is ironic because instead of revising he was listening to AC/DC. I told him straight that he should have been listening to ABBA.
I’m strongly considering questioning my O level results now and demanding a reappraisal. It was 1976, but hey-ho!



To whoever left his £30,000 diamond studded, solid gold Rolex on the bar in the Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife pub, last night; I’d like to let you know that the time now is 18:51 precisely!

I was in the Post Office queuing two metres apart yesterday when Diana Ross tried to push in. I told ‘er straight, I sez:- “You can’t hurry love; you’ll just have to wait!”

Well it's official. I'm losing it! I’ve developed lockdown lunacy. I've just sat through the whole of the new Sponge Bob Squarepants movie. Now you might not think that's unusual. Trust me it is, I'm sat on my own....

Thursday Thought: - A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled...

Quiz: - If Watson isn’t the most famous doctor, then Who is...

Quote: - If it wasn’t for the fella who invented electricity, then we’d all be watching Netflix by candlelight. Diane Abbott




Non Stick Nora was watching the BBC news with Barmy Albert when Fiona Bruce announced: - “Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." Nora starts sobbing "That's horrible! So many men dying that way!" Confused, Albert sez: - "Yes, Nora, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, Nora, still wailing replies: - "How many is a Brazillion?"
.
Large crystal ball for sale. £40, but you will knock me down to £28.50.

If you made a mistake, then apologise. If you are thankful, just say it. If you’re confused, ask questions. If you are lucky enough to learn summat new, then teach it. If you are stuck, ask for assistance. If you’re wrong, admit it. If you are in a position to unselfishly give, then give. If you love someone, tell them NOW! If you’re famished, ask someone to make you a cheese omelette! If you fancy a chortle, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington! You can email me too: - comedianuk@sky.com
Now, get back to quarantine and get self-isolating!