Fetch The Apostrophe Police!

                           

I told her honestly: "I might not be wealthy. I have no money, or villa in Mustique, or prestige cars. Neither do I own several blue-chip companies like my mate Dave, but I love you, truly, madly,deeply and I absolutely adore you." She gazed at me with huge tears welling in her beautiful blue eyes and hugged me passionately, like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear... "Can you introduce me to Dave?"



A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. I fondly recollect the first time I took a girl back to my bedroom and removed her bra. She whispered to me: "You've never done this before, have you?" I sez, "How do you know that?" She replied, "The scissors...."

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that the human fart can be louder than a glockenspiel? I only discovered this at my daughter's school concert, last week.

A Roman soldier walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and sez: "Five beers, please."



An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

I sez to the missus, "Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of English football?" "It's crap," she replied. "Total rubbish." "More than likely," I agreed, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club. The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai...



During the Sunday service, an evangelical preacher invites people in need on to the stage. "Brother" he says to the first bloke, "What is your need?" "I need help with my hearing," the fella answers. The preacher sticks his fingers in the man's ears, wiggles them and prays. "How's your hearing now?" he asks. "I don't know" says the geezer, "It's not till next Tuesday..."





These jokes were meant to offend everyone equally. If for some reason you
are not offended, please email me with a description of yourself including
your name, race, religious views, political party, strong opinions, physical
disabilities and anything else that you are touchy about, and I will try to
cover you in a future issue. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com

Or email me at comedianuk@sky.com Now,get back to work!


                 

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

                     

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and ketchup coming.    Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.      Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.    Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.    Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling  at the same kids.    Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.     Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.   Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.    Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.   Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.     Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.    Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.    Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.     Theodore, age 8

(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.  Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?   Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like she's been bobbin' for apples in a deep fat fryer....  Ricky, age 10

                                                           

A Visit To The Doctor....

I fondly recollect when we took our new-born daughter to our GP for her first check up, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby." Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents." "No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute." "So what do you say to the others?" I asked. "He looks just like you." Came the reply.

While we were there, the good doctor was looking through my records,shaking his head. "What is it doc? Tell me, is it bad ?" "Take That, One Direction, Goombay Dance Band, Earth Wind & Fire, Stylistics, what the hell were you thinking?" I only went to the doctor's to get my prostate examined. Anyway, I got the thumbs up....

Next week is Awareness Awareness Week. If you are unaware of awareness and would like to be more aware of the fact that you are unaware. Awareness awareness week could be for you.

An odd-job man who advertised in the local paper was totally useless. I gave him a list of 8 jobs to do whilst I was out at work. When I came back, he'd only done 1,3,5,and 7.

It's really quite easy to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while, whereas, the other will see you later....

The most difficult aspect of joining an association like Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you DON'T have a problem....

I sez to the missus, "You've been driving the car while I've been away haven't you?" She replied, "Why do you say that?" I sez, "Coz the clutch is knackered." She replied, "Don't blame me, I never use it!"

BREAKING NEWS: Scottish river police have already intercepted 500 English migrants attempting to cross the tempestuous River Tweed, in overloaded and ramshackle craft. Chief Inspector Jock McTartan informed this reporter "This is the beginning of a whole new humanitarian crisis for Scotland, so it is. Who will take care of these pieces of Sassenach flotsam? Who will pay for all the free prescriptions and deep fried Mars Bars? Not us, Jimmy!" The UN are holding an emergency summit in Barbados to discuss how best to handle the immigration crisis. Meanwhile those who survive the perilous crossing are being detained at a tent village just outside Kelso, while their applications for asylum are processed

English language is strange. It may be comprehended through thorough tough thought, though, and dyslexia is the product of a mis-spelt youth, so it is....

A marriage guidance counsellor asked my wife and I to describe our sex life with a film title,
"Gone in sixty seconds, " said the missus sarcastically,"Enter the dragon, " I replied.

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:    comedianuk@sky.com

             

                 

Austin's Party Link....

Austin's Party!

Missing Woman Alert!

   

This bloke went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:


Husband : I've lost my wife; she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.


Inspector : What is her height ?


Husband: I never checked.


Inspector : Slim or healthy ?.


Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.


Inspector : Colour of eyes ?

Husband : Never noticed.


Inspector : Colour of hair ?


Husband : Changes according to season.


Inspector : What was she wearing?


Husband : Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.


Inspector : Was she driving?


Husband : Yes.

Inspector : Tell me the number,name & colour of the car ?


Husband : A black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horsepower teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode.And it has full LED headlights,which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.….and then the husband started crying...


Inspector: Don't get upset sir,... . .We'll find your car.....

             

The Wednesday Blues....

   

The missus came home to find me in the scullery preparing a special candlelit gourmet meal. I was using our best china and had set elaborate place settings for two. "Oh this is a really nice surprise," she whispered. "Too flamin’ right it is," I replied, "I didn't expect you back until Wednesday." Took the wind out of my sails, I can tell you!


I was sauntering down the High Street the other day, when this little kid stopped me outside the newsagents and opined: "Can you go in the shop and buy me some cigarettes please” “Definitely not!” I replied” "Come on...” He said, "They’re not for me, they’re for me dad" "Well, why can't the lazy bar steward come and get them for himself?" I asked. "He's not eighteen until August" he replied. You could have knocked me down with a feather!

BBC News: "Being obese can cut your risk of dementia" Let's rephrase that to: "Fat geezers are less likely to forget where the biscuits are kept"

On Britain’s Got Talent, a dog act has won it for the last two consecutive years. In order to leap onto this bandwagon, I have taught my dog Alfie to play the trumpet on the London Underground. He went from Barking to Tooting in just under an hour

I've been working on a voluntary basis for The Samaritans but didn't feel like going in yesterday. I phoned in sick and they talked me out of it....

I knocked on my neighbour's door yesterday, and said, "Sorry to be cheeky, but do you mind if I use your bathroom? Mine's out of order at the present time." "Not at all, come on in," he laughed. About twenty minutes later he knocked the door and said, "Excuse me, but are you all right in there?" I shouted, "I'm spot on. But you need to buy more Radox bubble bath, by the way." You don’t ask, you don’t get!

I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden. Now, I'm thinking, "Who the hell is going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

This July, when it's been sunny, I think, 'beer garden.' When it has rained, I usually go to Wetherspoons for a while. In January, when it was snowing, I just liked to sit in front of the telly with a case of beers. I'm beginning to think I have a serious problem with the weather.

The Metropolitan Police were given strict orders from the Chief Constable to clean up the Soho area. That night, a paralytic bloke staggered towards a copper and said, "Excushe me offisher, what time is it?" The cop replied, "It's one o'clock," and bonked him on the head with his truncheon. "Jeepers," sez the drunk. "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago."


If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                           

The Case For The Defence.....

Defence Attorney:   Will you please state your age?


Old Lady: I am 94 years old.



Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?



Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.



Defence Attorney: Did you know him?



Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.


Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?



Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.



Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?



Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.



Defence Attorney: Why not?


Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my David died some 30 years ago.



Defence Attorney: What happened next?


Old Lady: He began to rub all over my body.


Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?


Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.


Defence Attorney: Why not?


Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?



Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'



Defence Attorney: Did he take you?



Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.