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Monday, 3 August 2015

Fetch The Apostrophe Police!


I told her honestly: "I might not be wealthy. I have no money, or villa in Mustique, or prestige cars. Neither do I own several blue-chip companies like my mate Dave, but I love you, truly, madly,deeply and I absolutely adore you." She gazed at me with huge tears welling in her beautiful blue eyes and hugged me passionately, like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear... "Can you introduce me to Dave?"

A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. I fondly recollect the first time I took a girl back to my bedroom and removed her bra. She whispered to me: "You've never done this before, have you?" I sez, "How do you know that?" She replied, "The scissors...."

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that the human fart can be louder than a glockenspiel? I only discovered this at my daughter's school concert, last week.

A Roman soldier walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and sez: "Five beers, please."

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

I sez to the missus, "Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of English football?" "It's crap," she replied. "Total rubbish." "More than likely," I agreed, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club. The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai...

During the Sunday service, an evangelical preacher invites people in need on to the stage. "Brother" he says to the first bloke, "What is your need?" "I need help with my hearing," the fella answers. The preacher sticks his fingers in the man's ears, wiggles them and prays. "How's your hearing now?" he asks. "I don't know" says the geezer, "It's not till next Tuesday..."

These jokes were meant to offend everyone equally. If for some reason you
are not offended, please email me with a description of yourself including
your name, race, religious views, political party, strong opinions, physical
disabilities and anything else that you are touchy about, and I will try to
cover you in a future issue. Visit my website:

Or email me at Now,get back to work!


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