Karma Comedian.....

     

I told her honestly: "I might not be wealthy. I have no money, or villa in Mustique, or prestige cars. Neither do I own several blue-chip companies like my mate Dave, but I love you, truly, madly, deeply and I absolutely adore you." She gazed at me with huge tears welling in her beautiful blue eyes and hugged me passionately, like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear... "Can you introduce me to Dave?"


A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. I fondly recollect the first time I took a girl back to my bedroom and removed her bra. She whispered to me: "You've never done this before, have you?" I sez, "How do you know that?" She replied, "The scissors...."


As I was driving home, I spotted a woman on all-fours in the central reservation, eating grass. I was so alarmed, I stopped the car and asked her what was going on? She informed me that she had come through Calais and was seeking asylum in the UK. I said “This is really appalling, get in the car, I’ll take you back to my house.” We’d only driven about 200 yards, when I spied a bloke, on his hands and knees, at the side of the road, eating grass. I sez to the woman, “What’s all this then?” She replied, “This is my husband, he too is seeking asylum, we have no money for food, so we are forced to eat grass.” I immediately stopped the car and told the bloke to get in. After travelling a mere couple of furlongs, I saw four children, on all-fours; they too, were grazing on the roadside. The woman piped up, “These are my children, they too are seeking asylum and are forced to eat grass. I was getting annoyed now and I said to this woman, “How big do you think my lawn is?”


During the Sunday service, an evangelical preacher invites people in need on to the stage. "Brother" he says to the first bloke, "What is your need?" "I need help with my hearing," the fella answers. The preacher sticks his fingers in the man's ears, wiggles them and prays. "How's your hearing now?" he asks. "I don't know" says the geezer, "It's not till next Tuesday..."

These jokes were meant to offend everyone equally. If for some reason you are not offended, please email me with a description of yourself including your name, race, religious views, political party, strong opinions, physical disabilities and anything else that you are touchy about, and I will try to
cover you in a future issue. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com   Or email me at comedianuk@sky.com now, get back to work!