Santa Joke...

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus:

Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.




Santa wrote back:

'Send me your mother...'

Merry Winterval...

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great. Not to imply that Britain is necessarily greater than any other country . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

And To all my "normal" friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

90 year old joke

Michael is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife.

"I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes, and pours him a cold drink.

As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"

"That's no good" sighs Michael. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Michael heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law and asks, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!"

"Where did it go?" says Michael.

"I can't remember." He replied.

Howzat!!

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant
said "Can I help you?"


"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".


"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.


"In the park just down the road" she replied.


"Can you describe what happened?"


"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near
the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,

removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his

way with me".


"Could you give me a description of him?"


"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a
white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees,

one on each leg".


"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.


"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".


"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked
that out from his accent?"


"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in
for very long".

Corrie Latest!!

What have Ashley Peacock and Sam Allardyce got in common? Neither will be going to the Rovers Christmas Party!!

WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES .....

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . ..

No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.

That's what beer does...

Never mind.

Corries BIG 50!!

This week celebrates the 5oth anniversary of Coronation St. Jack and Vera look down from heaven and Jack sez, “Eeeeh, me little swamp duck, we lived on that street for 32 long years!” Vera replied, “Aye, and in all that time Manchester City never won a single trophy!” I hear on the grapevine that Blues manager Roberto Mancini is to plant some spuds and carrots around the perimeter of the pitch. This ensures that he has summat to pick up at the end of the season! Mange tout – Man City Nil.

FIFA (they get a fee for this, and a fee for that) has been sent into meltdown as it has been revealed that their president, Sepp Blatter (74) when asked who his favourite Qatar player was, replied “Eric Clapton.” The shock revelation was discovered in the fall out of the 2018 and 2022 World Cup bidding announcement in Zurich, Switzerland. Blatter later announced that he was mistaken and that he would settle the matter out of his own back pocket, but had taken his trousers to the cleaners. He then knocked on the door of the Russian Embassy and asked “is Len in?” You couldn’t make it up. Could you?

I have always thought that women would make excellent soccer referees. Imagine the scenario, she gives a red card to a player who immediately remonstrates and asks “What was that for, Ref?” She would put her hands on her hips and reply “If you don’t know, then I’m not going to tell you!”


Since it started snowing, the missus has done nowt but gaze through the front window. After a couple of days, I felt quite guilty and decided that I should let her in. I got quite a frosty reception, so no change there then!

The wife (She has a face like a bulldog licking a thistle, whilst simultaneously chewing a wasp) has landed temporary employment over the bleak winter. She’s a got a job as a gritter over Woodhead! Half past three yesterday morning the phone was ringing. I was half asleep when I answered it. I sez to this geezer, “I think you have the wrong number, pal - try phoning the meteorological office.” I put the phone down and the wife sez “Who was that?” I replied “Some idiot asking if the coast is clear.”

Shock horror! Upon returning back home from a London gig yesterday, I found all the windows wide open and everything had gone. The type of person who would do that to an advent calendar is totally out of order. It is an unforgivable and despicable act.

Thought for Thursday: "Political correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Now, get shovelling that snow! Christmastide is-a comin’!! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com