The Chrithmuth Naivety....

                                       

“So, this is Christmas and what have you done?” Is one of either two things.  The opening lyrics to a famous John Lennon song, or the wife about to start another argument!

Q) What do you call people who are afraid of Father Christmas?

A) Claustrophobic.



Q) What do you call a person that isn't sure that Christmas exists?

A) Eggnostic.



When I bought the Christmas tree from the local garden centre, the salesman sez, “Are you putting it up yourself?” I replied, “No. It’s for the living room…”

I rang my mate Stan this morning and his wife answered: "I wanted to wish you and Stan a good Christmas holiday, You fly from Gatwick tomorrow, don't you?" She sez: "Stansted." "Effinell!" I replied "He seemed absolutely fine in the pub last night."

                               

An electrician friend of mine didn't get home until after 2am after a Christmas Party night out. His wife asked him: "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?".

On Christmas Day, I was sat on the sofa with the missus and she asked me: "Honey. Do you think I'm fat?" I replied: "Of course not. You're perfect." She sez: "Will you carry me upstairs to the bedroom?" I panicked and replied: "To prove how much I love you, I'm gonna bring the bed downstairs into the living room!"

                                 

The teacher asked the class to draw a Christmas scene. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I’m drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a moment." Priceless!
Christmas Quiz
What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh you.

What do lions sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells!

What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney?
Santaclaustrophobia

How do snowmen get around?
On their icicles.

What does Santa call reindeer that don’t work?
Dinner.




THE CHAV NATIVITY:
There’s this bird called Mary, yeah? She’s a virgin (wossat then?) She’s not married or nuffink, but she’s got this boyfriend, Joey, innit? He does joinery an’ that. Mary lives with him in a crib darn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She’s like `Oi Oo ya lookin at?’ Gabriel just goes ‘You got one in da club.’ Mary’s totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large ‘Stop dissin’ me yeah? I ain’t no Kappa-slapper. I aint never bin wiv no one!’ Yeah, but no, but yeah!













‘Twas the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"–what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money–The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes–if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days–they all are the pits
They want the impossible–Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s–No request for them,
They want computers and robots…they think – I’m IBM!
Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There’s no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I’m going SOUTH for the season!!

Christmas Cracker Jokes.....

 

                                        

Reports are suggesting Everton were happy to play but Liverpool weren’t, despite claiming for years that they can walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain and walk through a storm! You can always tell a scouser, but you can’t tell ‘em much!

If you reckon that certain adults who believe in Santa Claus and The Tooth Fairy are total lollygaggers, then just remember that there are some folk who believe in Kier Starmer.


Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were sauntering up Scropton Street yesterday and Nora asked Albert "What have you got me for Christmas?" He sez, "You see that pink BMW 4 Series Sport Auto Convertible over there?" She breathlessly replies, "Yeah!" He sez, "I got you a hairbrush, the exact same colour!" Nora always wanted a BMW because it’s the only car that she can spell! 

This Christmas, Santa has retired Rudolph from guiding his sleigh. He will be replaced by Olive, the other reindeer. If you don’t get it, just sing the song….

Back in the 70’s, when I first started out, I did impressions and one of the most watched TV shows back then was Columbo, starring Peter Falk as the rumpled, cigar chomping Lieutenant. The big difference with this cop show was that there were no guns or fast car chases included. Another fascinating fact was that they showed how the crime was committed at the very beginning and then our detective would eventually unravel it! This was an excerpt from a script that I performed in character at the time. Columbo sez to the suspect: “I have some good news and some bad news for you, sir.” The suspect replied: Give me the bad news first.” Columbo sez: “we found your blood at the murder scene, sir. So that’s how I know you did it.” The suspect replied: “What’s the good news?” Columbo told him: “Your cholesterol is very low, sir.”

Christmas Cracker Jokes: Q) Why has the Mafia got big ears? A) It's because Noddy refused to pay the ransom!"

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was picking through turkeys for her Christmas dinner and asked the butcher: "Excuse me, do these get any bigger?" The butcher replied, "No madam, they're all dead".

I’m am now a qualified counterfeiter.... I have the certificate to prove it....

Non-Stick Nora’s grandchildren kept finding their Christmas presents that she’d hidden all around the house. Barmy Albert suggested that she should just keep them in the loft. So, she tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept her awake. All the “I’m afraid of the dark” and “I don't like it up here, there’s loads of spiders.” really got on Nora’s nerves. She asked Albert: “Any other bright ideas?”

                                                 

 

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being well behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. To compound an already unfortunate farrago, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys all over the tarmacadam. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a tankard of apple cider and a tot of rum. However, when he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the naughty elves had quaffed the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchenette floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the brush. Just then the doorbell rang and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little fairy with a great big Christmas tree. The fairy sez, very cheerfully: "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?" And so began the tradition of the little fairy on top of the Christmas tree.

Miss Turtle, the teacher at Scropton Street Primary School asked little Jason: “Name ten animals from Africa.” Jason replied: “Nine elephants and one giraffe.”



A Yorkshire fella goes into the jewellers. He sez: ”Can tha mek me a gold statue o’ mi dog? ” Aye, a reckon a can, ” sez jeweller. “Does tha want it eighteen carat?” ”No.” replies the Yorkshireman: “I’ll ‘ave it chewin’ a bone….”



Breaking new: The South Korean pole-vault champion has just become the North Korean pole-vault champion…



If you cast your mind back to the grim days of the Covid lockdown, you may well recall that if you had members of family round, then the police could force entry into your property and make them all go home. Do any of my readers know if this service is still available and if you have to book? Asking for a friend obvs.

                                             

Yes folks, it’s nearly THAT time of year again! The month of December is where we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com