Saving the planet....

                                               

                                             

As you are aware, we must all do our bit for saving the planet and combat global warming, so yesterday, I unplugged a row of electric cars, that no one was using.

                                                    

Last week, the Partygate Privileges Committee investigation into Boris Johnson had to be relocated to a larger venue, in order to accommodate Boris’s nose. You can always tell he’s lying when his lips move. Indeed, he tells so many lies, he has to get his next-door neighbour to shout his dog in!

                         

  

Had an awful night. I was tossing and turning and then I had a vivid dream that something bit me on the neck. When I got up to check, I discovered that the mirror isn't working.

I decided to visit my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife and have Sunday lunch at the weekend. However, I’m sure the Chicken was undercooked, because I’ve been spitting feathers ever since!

Fascinating fact: Samuel L Jackson had just passed his driving test. From now on he'll be known as Samuel Jackson.

                                     

  

Celibacy can be a life choice, or a condition imposed by circumstance. While attending a Marriage Guidance Weekend, Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.' He then addressed the men, ’Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?' Albert leaned over, touched Nora’s arm gently, and whispered, "Homepride, isn't it?" And thus began Albert’s life of celibacy.

                                   

 

Whilst on the subject of unrequited love, here is an interesting story: Elsie Grabknuckle came home early and found her husband Tommy in their bedroom passionately making lurve with a very attractive young woman, as you can imagine, Elsie was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful cretin!' she sez. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' Tommy replied, 'Hang on just a minute, Elsie, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!'

Then Tommy began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the steak and kidney pudding that I made for you last night, the one you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured it all in moments. Since she needed a good clean up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her those designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. Then I found the blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique in Manchester and don't wear because someone at work has a pair just the same.' Tommy took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please.... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't want?”

                                        

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

How's it going, mate?

 

                                           

Have you ever misinterpreted summat that someone else is endeavouring to convey? Unfortunately, it’s a regular occurrence for me. Yesterday, I went into the local post office up Scropton Street back snicket and the Postmaster sez to me: “How’s it going, mate?” I told him that I’d just visited the doctors surgery and my blood pressure was very high, in fact the GP told me that if it wasn’t for my skin, I’d make a fantastic fountain! And that the missus was making shepherds pie for tea. The Postmaster looked at me and with all the dignity that he could muster, he replied: “No. I meant the parcel!”

 
Going to Manchester Airport. The taxi driver keeps looking in in mirror at me and then sez, “Well give us a clue, mate.“ I told him I’m an international comedian and have done Corrie and lots of other TV shows and I currently perform on the after dinner circuit working with all the top Sky sports presenters and I’ve been professional actor for nearly 50 years.” He replied “No. I mean which terminal are you going to!” I don’t think I’ll be leaving the house for a while…

 

It happened again when I went into the jewellers on the High Street. I sez to the young assistant: “I need a battery, so I can tell the time.” She asked me: “Is it for a clock?” I replied: “I don’t know. That’s why I need a battery….”

                                       

  

The missus sez she's getting me a Sat-Nav for my birthday to go with her other surprise. She's asking me to move out....

I asked the young lady at my local Co op: “I’m sorry to bother you, but do you sell Quorn?” She replied: “Yes, we do. What kind would you like?” I replied: “On the Quob.” She looked at me in a perplexed manner and sez: “Does matron know that you’re out of bed again?”

                         

 

Barmy Albert attended an interview for a tripe gouger at Scropton Street Abattoir... "Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," replied Albert “It means I don't get the job." It got worse when he went to the cinema that afternoon. Albert bought a ticket at the foyer# and the cashier sez to him "That's the fourth time you've come back in the last five minutes to buy a ticket . Albert replied: " I know but every time I get to the entrance this woman rips it in half".

Thought for Thursday: Is there anything easier done than said?

                           

  

The missus sez: "If women ruled the world, there would be no wars." "That's correct," I replied. "Because wars require strategy and logic...." That’s when the battle started!

Non-Stick Nora has put a wooden desk with an inkwell and a blackboard and chalk up in her living room. Barmy Albert asked her what it was for and she replied: “To make it more classy.”

Rumour has it the BBC might remove the Universe with Brian Cox from its broadcasts because it might upset Flat Earthers. The way things are, intelligent folk cannot say what they think in case they offend stupid people.


                                                    

I honestly never thought I would be the type of person to get up really early in the morning and go to the gym for a few hours.....and I was right!

Last year, whilst travelling around America, I went shopping in Wal-Mart. I asked the assistant if they had any Kinder Eggs. "Definitely not, Sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are considered a health hazard!" "That's okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two AK- 47 assault rifles then."

                                   

The first three minutes....

                                                    

I’ve just read an article in this very newspaper about the first three minutes when you are born.  They reckon that this is the most dangerous time in anyone's life.  The last three minutes can't be all that clever either....

 

I have a strong will but a weak won't.

 

I once met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me, "Where the hell did you find her? She's cross eyed, bald, bow legged and she's got no teeth." I said, "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf as well.”

 

I’ve always thought that restaurant toilets are very dangerous places. So many of my dates have gone to use them and just vanished, never to be seen ever again….

 

The maitre d asked me “How do you like your steak, sir?” I sez: “Just like winning an argument with the wife.” He replied; “Rare it is then, sir!”

                                   

Fascinating fact: French fries didn’t originate in France. They were cooked in Greece first…

 

Thought for Thursday: Whenever you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner…

 

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint.

 

                             

The missus wants a divorce because of my obsession with metaphors. It was a bolt out of the blue. It took the wind right out of my sails. You could have knocked me down with feather.



I asked the wife to assist me in putting some posts in the ground for the new fence. I passed her the lump hammer and I sez: “When I nod my head, you hit it.” I don’t recollect very much after that….



Barmy Albert was still bladdered after the stripper and meat raffle evening up The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife Pub and he ponged like a brewery and flopped down on Scropton Street Subway next to a priest. His scarf was covered in dog hairs and Guinness, his face was plastered with Non-Stick Nora's bright red lipstick and a half-empty bottle of Absinthe was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, Albert turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest seeing a chance to give a quick sermon. "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, Too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with trollops and lack of a bath.” Albert muttered in response, "Well, I'll be blown over by a copper pot!" Then returned to his newspaper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged Albert and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" Barmy Albert sez: "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

                                  

An old Yorkshire bloke is lying in his deathbed and in a trembling voice, he asks: “Is my wife here?” She replied: “Yes, I am here…” He then rasped: “Are all my children here?” In unison they all sez: “Yes, we are all here, father…” He then gasped: “Are all my grandchildren here?” They replied: “Yes, grandad, we are all here…” He then uttered his final words afore he shuffled off this mortal coil. He asked: “Then why is the scullery light still on?”



Non-Stick Nora came home to find Barmy Albert in the kitchenette preparing a special candlelit gourmet meal. He was using the best China and cutlery and had set elaborate place settings for two. "Oooh! This is a really nice surprise," she whispered. "Too flamin’ right it is," Albert replied, "I didn't expect you back until Wednesday."

I phoned the RSPCA. She sez: “Can I help you?” I replied: "Yes there's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan." She sez: "I don't believe you." I replied: "Well, you'll just have to take my whirred ferret."



A blonde school teacher notices a little fat boy in the field standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. ‘You okay?’ she says. ‘Yes.’ he says. ‘You can go and play with the other kids you know’ she says. ‘It’s best I stay here.’ he says. ‘Why?’ says asks blonde. The boy says: "Because I’m the flippin’ goalkeeper!"

                                

The graves of a thousand snowmen...

                                  

                                              

Call me jejune, but given the choice I’d want a simple wedding. No church, no vicar, no fancy banqueting suite, no flowers, no bridesmaids, no expensive wedding suit, no guests, but most importantly, no wife. Furthermore, I’ve decided that I’m giving up Lent for alcohol.

                           

  

Barmy Albert likes to play his wedding video backwards to the bit where Non-Stick Nora gets into the limousine and goes back to her mother.

 

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are you doing with those?" He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"

                                                 

 

At the wedding ceremony the vicar asked: “If anyone has anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom, they should speak now, or forever hold their peace”. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the vicar. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride threw her bouquet into the font and started sobbing. Then slowly, the groom’s mother fainted. The best man started sweating and everyone was giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save this embarrassing scenario. The vicar asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?" There was absolute silence in the church. You could've heard a cockroach fart. The woman replied: "We can't hear at the back!”

Of course, marriage is akin to a deck of cards. You start off with two hearts and a diamond, then ten years down the line, you wish you had a club and a spade. Then again, on the flipside, divorce is like algebra. You look at the X and think Y.

A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert…

Had Domino’s for tea last night. Unfortunately, I broke my tooth on double six. Another dental appointment. I asked the dentist what she would recommend for yellow teeth. She sez: “How about a brown tie…”

When I visited Taiwan, I bought a pair of shoes. Underneath, on the sole, it said 'Made round the corner'...

                                       

                                      

                                      
Fascinating Fact: Until you've learned to drive a car, you've never really learned how to swear properly.

Our oven has broken down more times than I’ve had hot dinners!

I worked at Fisons Fertilisers Football Club at Fiddlers Ferry with a band called Smelly Kelly and The Subway Sniffers and I asked the keyboards player at the gig “Can you play Strawberry Fields Forever?” He said, “No, after a few hours my fingers get tired.” Apparently, the drummer in the group had inadvertently locked the keys in his car and they couldn’t get the bass player out. Some musicians can’t read music. This lot couldn’t read the lyrics!

I honestly thought that I’d stumbled across the graves of a thousand snowmen yesterday. However, upon further inspection, I was stood in a field of carrots....

                         

Whilst walking the dogs around Scropton Street Park, I had a conversation with the council worker who emptied the bins that contained all the dog poo and I asked him what process this waste went through. He informed me that all the doggy poo was put into a machine and then was recycled. I was amazed! I asked him what it was recycled into and he replied “we make Traffic Wardens out of it….”