I'm Watching You.....

                                      

Talk about the spiralling cost of living! I purchased a latte at Keele Services on the M6 yesterday morning. The waitress serving me said: "Sorry, we don't accept fifty pound notes. So, I had to give her two twenties and a tenner! Due to global shortages, they had no tomatoes or cucumber, so I had to settle for a ham and turnip sandwich.



Not many folks know this, but I was raised in the wild by a pack of hyenas. Life was tough, food was scarce, the weather was atrocious. But boy, did we laugh!



Non-Stick Nora told me that Barmy Albert had swallowed a Quality Street chocolate and it went down the wrong hole and blocked his windpipe. I asked her: “The purple one?” She sez: “Yeah. That’s him!”

                                                                      

One morning, three ladies are golfing on the fifth green when suddenly, this bloke runs by wearing nothing but a balaclava over his head. As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, “Well, he’s certainly not my husband.” As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, “He’s not my husband either.” He then passes by the third woman, Non-Stick Nora, who also looks down as he runs by her. “Hang about” Nora exclaims. "He’s not even a member of this golf club".





Fascinating Fact: 95% of being married is just yelling “Eh?” from a different room! Moreover, once you can comprehend why a pizza is made round, cut into triangles and then packed in a square box, then and only then will you understand the complexity of a woman’s brain and discover that it’s a mass of contradictions!
                                         
                                             

Remember when you were a kid and your mum thought that you were riding your Raleigh Chopper bike around the block for eight hours, when in actual fact, you’d travelled three miles away, explored a derelict house, leapt over a disused railway fence, played marbles and won your mate Tommy;s dobber off him, constructed a den in the woods and made a small bonfire! Whereas, kids these days just stare at their phones all day.



Went to see a faith healer last night. He was so bad, this bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out! Of course, the reason why you don’t see faith healers in hospitals is exactly the same reason why you don’t hear of psychics winning the Euro Millions.

                                     

My wife left me because she said I'm so insecure. Hang on! She's back now, she was making a cup of tea in the kitchenette.



My Scouse mate is trying to find out who stole his board game. He hasn't got a Cluedo.


                                              

The missus asked me: “Why were you so long in Tesco?” I told her: “This bloke lost a £50 note.” She sez: “Were you helping him look for it?” I replied: “No. I was stood on it…”



This couple from a travelling circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation. So they produce photos of their fifteen metre long luxury caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery. The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. "We've employed an Oxford graduate, who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills". There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing. "Our full-time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet”, they reply. So, the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for. "It doesn't really matter", they say, "as long as he fits in the cannon".

                                                     

Begin every conversation with, "Let me tell you about Austin Knight and his hilarious weekly Punchlines column," and happiness, chortles and guffaws will permeate the atmosphere that surrounds you!. Everyone will want to be your best pal, your team leader will promote you, sales folk will give you lots of free stuff, the traffic cops will let you speed down the M67 and everyone will want to be as crazy as you are. Don't think it's true? There's only one way to find out. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and try it today. Now, get back to work!

Alas, the incorrigible John Motson has sadly passed away aged 77 years old last week. He was a joy to work with and a true maverick in the commentary box. There’ll never another...

                                        

Discovery of an 90 year old painting...

 

                                     

I went up my attic looking for valuables and discovered a ninety year old painting. I told him to finish his portrait and get out! Do you reckon my attitude was too lofty?. It was announced that Dickinson’s Real Deal was visiting Scropton Street Pavilion and everyone should have a shufty in their attic and unearth some valuable treasures to feature on the programme. Barmy Albert turned up with an old steel box. It was huge and covered in cobwebs and dead spiders. By the look of it, it had to be over a hundred years old, thereby making it a proper antique. The ‘Duke’ David Dickinson asked Albert where he got it from, because provenance is imperative where antiquities are concerned and Albert told him he had found it in his loft. It turned out that it was worthless, because it was his water tank! Apparently, the house was flooded. Albert told me later that he’d caught a prawn in a mousetrap!

                               

 

Non Stick Nora is working as a housekeeper and was after a big pay rise, due to the soaring cost of living. Now, Mrs Grabknuckle, the wife of her employer was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the proposed hike in pay. She asked: "Now Nora, why do you want a pay increase?" Nora: "Well, Mrs Grabknuckle there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." The wife sez: "Who said you iron better than me?" Nora replied: "Your husband says so." Wife: "Oh yeah?" Nora continued: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Nora: "Your husband did." The wife became increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?" Nora: "The third reason is that I am better than you in the bed." The wife was incandescent with rage, and through gritted teeth shouted: "And did my husband say that as well?" Nora replied: "No, Mrs Grabknuckle, the gardener and the chauffeur did." The wife replied: “Well, how much do you want?”


                                 

Yesterday, the wife (I call her ‘Viking’ because she has a face like a Norse) stormed into the kitchenette with my phone and screamed "I've just been looking through your mobile and you've been talking to some other woman!" I looked up guiltily and responded "It’s true. We speak for hours every day." She broke down sobbing, then sniffled "Why? What’s she got that I haven't?" "Unlimited minutes" I replied.

I had a bath in creosote this morning. No particular reason, I just thought I'd treat myself. I have a wooden leg and a real foot. I can’t do anything about it because the local prosthetics shop has changed hands.

I think we should send a petition to all the manufacturers to write ‘Shampoo’ and ‘Conditioner’ in a much bigger font, so we can read it in the shower without our glasses. Mind you, I always thought that Ariana Grande was a font!

I often wonder if women ever sit back and think “My bloke really does possess an extensive knowledge and maybe I should just be quiet and listen to his pearls of wisdom.”

                               

   

I visited an Eskimo Restaurant and asked to see the menu. The maître d informed me “We don’t have many options, so I’ll just shout them out to you.” He continued: “We have Whale Meat Steak in a blubber roulade or Whale Meat Curry with blubber rice, or maybe Whale Meat Stir-Fry in blubber and of course we have the Vera Lynne.” I asked him what exactly was the Vera Lynne?” “Whale Meat again…” he blubbered. Well, you’ve got to be inuit to winuit!

I’ve always been attracted to the weird folk. The lollygaggers, the panhandlers, the eccentric characters in society. The black sheep, the odd ducks and the exponents of egregious nonsensical logorrhea, like Gerald off Clarkson’s Farm. More often the lost and forgotten people possess the most beautiful souls. Moreover, I’ve discovered that if you tuck one trouser leg into your sock and put your cardigan on back to front, then folk will expect a lot less of you…

                                   

 

Don’t worry or get yourself having palpitations and going bilious. One day you’ll find someone that’s totally obsessed with you and never wants to leave your side. It’s probably going be a dog, but it is what it is. My little dog Alfie is really clever. When he has a wee, he puts both his front paws up on the wall and does it standing up. This woman asked me yesterday how long he’s been doing this. I told her that it was ever since a wall fell on him.

                                   

Advanced Biology: The seven advantages of Mother's Milk....

                              

A chauffeur driven Rolls-Royce Silver Phantom pulled up outside my door yesterday. This guy in a tuxedo, brandishing a crystal glass of champagne alighted from the back of the car and calmly meandered down the drive. I rushed out of the house and shouted, “Oooooh!” I exclaimed “Have I won the Euro millions?” “No” he sniffed. “I’ve come to read your gas and electricity meters!”

Barmy Albert was lying in Non-Stick Nora’s bed, when he suddenly noticed four notches carved into the headboard. "Is that how many men you've slept with? he asked. "Yes", Nora replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven." However, women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine fella, who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve. Housework used to be a woman's domain, but one evening, Nora arrived home from work to find one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was in the oven, and the table set. She was flabbergasted! It turns out that Albert had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to make love'. The night went very well. The next day, Nora told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Albert even cleaned up the kitchenette. He helped the grandkids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterwards?' asked her friend Ethel. 'Oh, that........... Albert was too tired.'

                         

 

In church, I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you: "Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years. You have taken my favourite actor Christopher Plummer, my favourite composer and musician Burt Bacharach and my favourite singer Gerry Marsden. I just want you to know that my favourite politicians are: Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Matt Hancock and Dominic Raab”.

The missus gave me an envelope yesterday. It was marked, 'DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2024',  inside the envelope was a long list of reasons why I cannot be trusted.

I sez to the missus, (She is a stunner. She works down the abattoir) over dinner last night, "Have I told you that you look absolutely divine tonight?" " No you haven't" she said with a bashful smile. "Well, there's a reason for that," I replied. That’s when the kerfuffle started!

Geomagnetism is one of the basic cornerstones of feng shui. Moreover, positive personal alignment of your yings and your yangs is a prerequisite. Dragons are pozzy, whereas a river rat is negative. This is why, in our house, all the chairs face the telly.


Fascinating Fact: Vincent Price was taller than Katie Price and heavier than Alan Price. I discovered this information out on a price comparison website.
                     

Students in an advanced Biology class at the University of Manchester were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. 

 He got an A.

Do you remember the very first time that you ever went to the pub for a drink with your dad? "What are you having, son?" he asked me. "Diet coke please," I replied. He grimaced in a saturnine manner. "You're not having a girls drink when you're out with me, son." I smiled, "Sorry dad. I'll have whatever you’re having then." "That's more like it!" he said, slapping me on the back, before turning to the barman, and ordering, "Two normal cokes please." My dad used to work for a company that manufactured toilet rolls and light bulbs. Well, I think he did, because that’s all he ever brought home.

                                   

When I was a kid, bedtime was at 9pm. I couldn’t wait to become a grownup, so I could go to bed anytime a wanted to. It now turns out that is 9pm. Who’d a thowt it?

Smiling is infectious, you can catch it like the flu, when someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too. I walked around the corner, and someone saw me grin, when he smiled, I realised, I’d passed it on to him, I thought about the smile, and then realised it’s worth , a single smile like mine, could travel round the earth, so if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected, start an epidemic, And get the world infected! Click on: www.Comedian.ws and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                            

Return of the man who never came back...

                                     

Due to soaring energy costs, Richi Sunak has announced that the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off. Furthermore, he maintains that Nadim Zahawi has paid back HMRC all the tax that he didn’t owe. Vote Conservative. Careless, but not deliberate….

Prince Harry writes: “Once, he came at me with two fingers and he squeezed my nose, then pulled away and he had my nose between his fingers. He shouted: “I’ve got your nose!” He refused to give it back and then he threw it across the room and it disappeared!”

This morning, to alleviate the monotony, sit in your car wearing sunglasses and point a hairdryer at oncoming vehicles. See if they slow down...

Last Wednesday was the 1st of February. I reckon that the bloke who dreamed up the word February must have had summat to do with the word Wednesday as well. I wonder if he came from Cholmondely? Was his missus called Siobhan? Answers on a coastguard please, to my address in Featherstonehaugh.

                     

  

Last Tuesday was the 31st of January. I decided to start my Dry January on that day. I distrust camels, or anyone else who can go for a fortnight without a drink.

This little girl sez to her Dad, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to be funny, the father replies, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I have?" questions the confused kid.... "Deffo," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"

MBE for Bonnie Tyler. I downloaded her voice onto my SatNav. Now it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then, it falls apart! Furthermore, I got lost in France!

Statistics prove that 75% of all accidents happen within five miles of your home, so why not move six miles away? Moreover, statistics also prove that one in every three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two. Who’d a thowt it!

                                         

Non Stick Nora’s grandchild is three years old and yesterday she took her shopping. When she got home, the kid had a chocolate bar in her pocket. Now, Nora didn't buy it and the kid certainly didn't buy it, so Nora frogmarched her straight back to the Trafford Centre and let her loose in the jewellers…

Fascinating Fact: Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I tried my utmost to argue that sixty is the new thirty. However, the policeman still gave me a speeding ticket.

                                       

 

Barmy Albert got a free ticket to Manchester United from his company, because he worked over Christmas. Unfortunately, when Albert arrives at the stadium, he realises the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, not a good place.. At half-time, Albert sees through his binoculars an empty seat in The Sir Alex Ferguson Stand right on the halfway line. He decides to grasp the nettle and take a chance, making his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Albert asks the bloke sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The fella sez, "Nope." Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Albert again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this in The Alex Ferguson Stand at Old Trafford and not use it?!" The guy replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Man Utd game we haven't been to together, since we got married back in 1977." "Well, that's really sad," said Albert, "but still, couldn't you find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral”

I phoned my old mate Bill Withers and told him that ‘Ain’t no Sunshine’ is appalling grammar. He replied: “I know, I know, I know, I know, I know....”

I was staggered at the increase of 75p per 1kg bag of Winalot Bonio's. I mean that's about £8 in dog money...

                                  

Charlie Chaplin lived 88 years. He left us 3 important statements:
(1) Nothing is forever in this world, not even our problems.
(2) I love walking in the rain because no one can see my tears.
(3) The most lost day in life is the day we don't laugh.
Life is just a journey! Therefore, live for today! Tomorrow may not be. Now visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington and exercise your guffaw glands!