The easing of lockdown....

 

                                     

As a struggling actor and comedian, who hasn’t worked since last March due to the pandemic lockdown, self oscillation gubbins, I was absolutely thrilled when my agent phoned with an audition. "This part is made for you!” she enthused. "They want someone your age, height and build, with an accent just like yours, plus it's being filmed about ten minutes from your house." "It sounds perfect!" I replied excitedly. "What is it?" "It's a BBC Crimewatch reconstruction." "Erm,no! Sorry. I'm really busy that particular day..."



The missus asked me why I was so long at Tesco. I told her: “This bloke lost a £50 note.” “Oh.” She sez, “Were you helping him look for it?” “No.” I replied: “I was stood on it.”



So, now we’re the only country in the world where folk can enter on a rubber dinghy, with no problem whatsoever, but we can't leave the country and if we do it’s a £5,000 fine. Who’d a thowt it!


                                      

I phoned tech services and informed them that I had a problem with the interweb paraphernalia and she told me: "Right click on Tools, Accounts and then Internet Options..." I replied: "Hang on! You're going too fast!" She sez: "What have you done up to now?" I replied: "I've written click..."



Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora if she liked Tolstoy. She wholeheartedly agreed that she did. When he pressed her on which story was her favourite, she sez: “The one where Woody is kidnapped and Buzz desperately tries to save him!”



Fascinating Fact: To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it!


                                            

                          

Two Stalybridge lads were walking down Ashton Road, when a car pulled up and this fella wound the window down and sez: “ Discúlpeme! Habla usted español?” One of the boys shrugged and replies, “Sorry, no we don’t.” The geezer then asked, “Parlez vous Francais?” The lads replied ”No, we don’t mate.” The man in the car was getting quite frustrated and opined “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” The boys advised him that they couldn’t speak that language either, which prompted the man to drive off in a huff. One of the lads then said, “After that embarrassing carry on, I really wish I’d have taken the trouble to learn another language.” To which his mate replied, “Well, it didn’t do him much good, did it!”



I was in the Co-op 'convenience' shop up Scropton Street yesterday, when this miserable looking harridan was on the check-out. She possessed all the charisma of a bilious badger with blistered bunions. When I came to pay, having only purchased a litre of milk, but having no change. "£1.03 please" "Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a twenty quid note. "Haven't you got anything smaller, 'coz it will take all my change, and I can't be mithered to count out £18.97?" she replied, whilst simultaneously gurning a saturnine grimace. "I've got Zimbabwean dollars, if that helps," I replied. She didn't get the joke, so I thought sod it, I'll pay by card. "Shall I pay by card?" I politely enquired, "Don't do me no favours,dude" she snapped. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in. "Cash back?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.97 please!"

Remember folks, no matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery! If you want to keep up with all the latest jocular gubbins, then visit my website. Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington for a chortle and a guffaw. You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

The vaccine dilemma...

                                        

I had my vaccine yesterday at midnight. It was a shot in the dark! Barmy Albert had his second jab at Scropton Street Vaccination Centre, after which he began to suffer blurred vision on the way home. When he got home, he called the vaccination centre for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or even be hospitalised. He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination centre immediately and pick up his glasses!

Still on the vaccine front, Non-Stick Nora had her jab and began to see spots before her eyes. Barmy Albert asked her: “Have you seen a doctor?” Nora replied: “No. Just spots....”



Due to the concern over the Oxford Astra Zenica vaccine causing blood clots, I have had no option, but to quadruple my intake of Chardonnay, which is an acknowledged blood thinner. Better to be safe than sorry! Cheers! Let us raise a glass and propose a toast to Paul the Apostle on The Road to De-mask us! Hallelujah! I’ll drink to that! Wahay!



Virgin Mobile texted me and asked if I had any spare tablets that could I send them for needy school children. So I sent them ten Paracetomol and six Ibroprufen.
                                                   

Non-Stick Nora hailed a hackney carriage. The taxi driver sez: "I'm sorry for the smell in here, I just had the whole cab disinfected due to Covid regulations.". Nora answers: "Don't worry about it, mate. I haven't been able to smell anything all week"

It’s been mooted that many nightclubs may struggle to reopen after lockdown, because bouncers and other security staff have pursued alternative careers during the pandemic. I must admit, the last time I visited a late night venue, the doorman told me that I couldn’t be admitted, because I looked as though “ I’d had a few too many!” I sez “Do you mean drinks?” He replied: “No. I meant birthdays....”

Fascinating Fact: People say my house is haunted but I have lived here for 241 years and never noticed anything untoward whatsoever....

                        

I phoned the RSPCA. She sez: “Can I help you?” I replied: " "Yes there's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan." She sez: "I don't believe you." I replied: "Well you'll just have to take my whirred ferret."



The missus sez she's getting me a Sat-Nav for my birthday to go with her other surprise. She's asking me to move out....



I don’t believe in labelling people or putting them in boxes. This was why I lost my job at the undertakers.

                                                            

I found it quite disconcerting that the last time someone wanted me for my body, it was filling out an organ donation form. I’ve decided to donate my body to medical science and they’re currently fighting the case!



I wandered into Ann Summers lingerie store and sez to the assistant, "I'd like to buy a pair of stockings for my missus." The assistant asks, "Sheer?" I replies "No. She's in Aldi at the moment."



She was whinging about putting on so much weight during lockdown. I innocently sez, “Maybe you should eat a little less, darling" She took the huff and shouted, "What's THAT supposed to mean?" I looked at her and replied, "It's a pronoun used to indicate a thing, concept, person, condition, happening, chronology, or maybe a remark". That's when the fight started....

 

The accounts described in this gloppy column are merely recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text, such as Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become incontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, behave yourself and get back to work! The summer is a comin’!
                                                   

When Madame Merkel met Meghan Markle...

                                 

Heavy-handed police action was criticized last weekend at the Clapham Common vigil. If Cressida Dick carries on like this, she’s going get herself a bad name.

So we’re all following the Boris road map, coasting along in our Reliant Robin Interceptor ~ 3 litre Ghia ~ Hatchback ~ Trans-Am ~ twin carburettor (with stabilisers) ~ central locking ~ unbreakable petrol cap (a lump of rag) and all the kids in the backseat are shouting “Are we there yet?” The simple answer is that although the vaccine rollout is successful, Dr Chris Whitty, the government scientific soothsayer geezer has stipulated that certain rules must still be strictly adhered to:



1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house

2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not

3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open

4. You must not go to work, but you can get another job and go to work

5. You should not go to the doctors or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there

6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable people. It’s possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.

7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes or not, as you see fit.

8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out, but don’t go very far, because Corrie is on at 7-30 pm.

When Meghan Markle met Madame Angela Merkel in Munich, she mooted many a mickle makes a muckle in mentioning her marriage and mischievous meanderings, mainly manufacturing manifold mayhem in the media and maintained to the matriarch that her management makes a myriad of multitudinous moolah marketing malicious misinformation marring the monarchic ménage. Moreover, many more magazine mash-ups meant mixed messages missing a mixture of meticulous measure and movement momentum. Meanwhile, in Manchester, Non Stick Nora never knew ninety-nine nice ‘n neatly knitted knick-nacks were nonchalantly nobbled near Knutsford...

 

Non-Stick Nora sez to Barmy Albert: “I don’t understand this cloning lark” Albert replied: “That makes two of us....”

                                        

Lt Columbo to accused: “Just one more thing. There is Good news and bad news, sir” “What's the bad news?” asked the accused. Columbo: “Your blood was found on the victim’s clothes and on the carpet!” “What's the good news?” “Your cholesterol is very low!”



I found it quite disconcerting that the last time someone wanted me for my body, it was filling out an organ donation form. Barmy Albert donated his body to medical science and they’re fighting the case!



Walking the dogs around the reservoirs this morning, I came across this bloke who was trout fishing. "How do you ascertain that there are any trout actually in there?" I asked. "Little eddies in the water," he replied. "What, and he lets you know?"

 

 

I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!