I miss precedented times. All these unprecedented times are driving me doo-lally! You’ve got to take a Covid test, but Matt Hancock sez they’re not available because too many folk are turning up to be tested! Go figure!
We were in the Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife last night when Barmy Albert turned up in the most embarrassing shirt you have ever seen. “Cost me fifty flamin’ quid this!’ I sez to him “I hope you kept the receipt" “Too right" he replied, "First thing tomorrow, this is going straight back to the Man United club shop...”
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but where we went terribly wrong was naming the pandemic Covid. If perchance, we’d have called it Everton, it would have never have made it into Europe. You can always tell a Scouser, but you cannot tell ‘em much.
Boris was visiting an old folk’s home purely as a publicity stunt to show how sympathetic he was to the Covid problem in the elderly. He went up to nonagenarian Elsie Grabknuckle, who was in a wheelchair and sez: - “Do you know who I am?” “No, I don’t” she replied “but if you ask Matron, she will tell you.”
A random woman buttonholed Non-Stick Nora in the local Co-op and haughtily announced: - “You’re supposed to be wearing a mask!” Nora gazed at the harridan with a saturnine grimace and replied: - “I’m supposed to be wearing underwear too, yet here we are....”
Meanwhile, in the Amazonian forest, a group of intrepid explorers hear distant drumming. As they journey nearer to the sound, the percussion abruptly stops and the native guide suddenly seems most perturbed. The expedition's leader asks him: - "What's going on?" The guide sez:- “Very bad when drumming stops." So the explorer’s leader asks "Why, what happens then?" The guide explains: - "Bass solo starts." This reminds me of the drummer who inadvertently locked his keys in his car and couldn’t get the bass player out...
Being currently self-unemployed and skint, I’ve taken to selling a few items on eBay. Last week, I sold a homing pigeon 241 times! Then it started going awry. I sold all my Adele collection of CD’s (albums & singles). In good faith, I posted them all to the purchaser, but have received no money. It’s been almost six weeks now. Should I give up or should I just keep on chasing payments? Furthermore, should we leave the EU without Adele?
Breaking News: McAfee, Norton and AVG have joined the race to come up with a vaccine!
Quote: - Dominic Cummings, who has the perpetually disappointed look of someone who wanted to sell his soul to Satan, only to find he hasn’t got one. Frankie Boyle.
Don't let COVID 19 kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com
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