Search This Blog

Sunday 27 September 2020

Adopt a cheery disposition....



During these awful times, a positive attitude may not solve any of your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it well worth the effort...


Why are pubs, clubs and restaurants being forced to close at 10pm as from 25th September and how will the Covid virus know the difference when the clocks get altered on the 25th October?  Why the difference between six people meeting together outside but no restriction on any number meeting together outside for a grouse shoot? Why are thirty people allowed together for a funeral but only fifteen folk allowed together for a wedding? Maths were never my forte at school. But in retrospect, I never attended Eton.  The next absurd government concept will be how to inform on your neighbours and get Club Card points!


There is an increase in Coronavirus cases because there has been an increase in testing. If perchance, there was an increase in IQ tests, then there’d be an increase in idiots. You cannot fix stupid.  It turns out that you can’t quarantine it either....


Barmy Albert sits down at the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife bar and orders drink after drink.  "Is everything okay, matey?"  I asked.   "Non-Stick Nora and me got into an argument and she said she wouldn't speak to me for a month!"  Trying to put a positive spin on things, I sez, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing.  You know, a bit of peace and quiet.”  Albert gazed at me and opined: "Yeah, but today is the last day!”


I inadvertently caught the memsahib going through the neighbour's bins. She's not nosey. Just rubbish at parking the car....


Question: - How many times will we hear the words "Covid" and "Lockdown" today?
A) 10,000  B) 50,000  C) 100,000,000?


Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle handed her bank card to a teller and sez, “I would like to withdraw £10 please.”  The teller curtly informed her, “For withdrawals less than £100 please use the ATM outside.” Elsie wanted to know why. The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.” Elsie remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “I’d like to withdraw all the money I have in the account.”  The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her,  “You have £55,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?”      The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to £3,000 "Well, please let me have £3,000 now", she The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her.  Elsie then put £10 in her handbag and asked the teller to deposit £2990 back into her account. The moral of this tale? Don't be difficult with old folk, they spent a lifetime learning the skills! 



What with all this lockdown quarantine pandemic unprecedented gubbins, the missus and I have been having copious arguments and it escalated when she texted me the other day and declared:  “I’ve been going through your phone and found out that you’re seeing another woman.  I’ve decided to pack my bags and I’m going to my sisters!”  I texted back: “Okay.  I’ll see you when you get here....”  That’s when the fight started!


A month is a long time in pandemic proportions! Last month it was: “Eat Out To Help Out!”  

This month it’s: “Drink Up and Sod Off!”  Students are encouraged to go back to University and put on immediate lockdown.  Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not.  Moreover, You will have many symptoms if your get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms.

Thank God for Boris and his scientific experts!


No comments:

Post a Comment