Adopt a cheery disposition....

                                                            

 

During these awful times, a positive attitude may not solve any of your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it well worth the effort...

 

Why are pubs, clubs and restaurants being forced to close at 10pm as from 25^th September and how will the Covid virus know the difference when the clocks get altered on the 25^th October?  Why the difference between six people meeting together outside but no restriction on any number meeting together outside for a grouse shoot? Why are thirty people allowed together for a funeral but only fifteen folk allowed together for a wedding? Maths were never my forte at school. But in retrospect, I never attended Eton.  The next absurd government concept will be how to inform on your neighbours and get Club Card points!

 

There is an increase in Coronavirus cases because there has been an increase in testing. If perchance, there was an increase in IQ tests, then there’d be an increase in idiots. You cannot fix stupid.  It turns out that you can’t quarantine it either....

                                    

Barmy Albert sits down at the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife bar and orders drink after drink.  "Is everything okay, matey?"  I asked.   "Non-Stick Nora and me got into an argument and she said she wouldn't speak to me for a month!"  Trying to put a positive spin on things, I sez, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing.  You know, a bit of peace and quiet.”  Albert gazed at me and opined: "Yeah, but today is the last day!”

                                   

I inadvertently caught the memsahib going through the neighbour's bins. She's not nosey. Just rubbish at parking the car....

 

Question: - How many times will we hear the words "Covid" and "Lockdown" today?
A) 10,000  B) 50,000  C) 100,000,000?

                                                         

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle handed her bank card to a teller and sez, “I would like to withdraw £10 please.”  The teller curtly informed her, “For withdrawals less than £100 please use the ATM outside.” Elsie wanted to know why. The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.” Elsie remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “I’d like to withdraw all the money I have in the account.”  The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her,  “You have £55,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?”      The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to £3,000 "Well, please let me have £3,000 now", she The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her.  Elsie then put £10 in her handbag and asked the teller to deposit £2990 back into her account. The moral of this tale? Don't be difficult with old folk, they spent a lifetime learning the skills! 

 

                                 

What with all this lockdown quarantine pandemic unprecedented gubbins, the missus and I have been having copious arguments and it escalated when she texted me the other day and declared:  “I’ve been going through your phone and found out that you’re seeing another woman.  I’ve decided to pack my bags and I’m going to my sisters!”  I texted back: “Okay.  I’ll see you when you get here....”  That’s when the fight started!

 

A month is a long time in pandemic proportions! Last month it was: “Eat Out To Help Out!”  

This month it’s: “Drink Up and Sod Off!”  Students are encouraged to go back to University and put on immediate lockdown.  Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not.  Moreover, You will have many symptoms if your get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms.

Thank God for Boris and his scientific experts!

 

The Covid test debacle....

                                

I miss precedented times.  All these unprecedented times are driving me doo-lally! You’ve got to take a Covid test, but Matt Hancock sez they’re not available because too many folk are turning up to be tested!  Go figure!

 

We were in the Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife last night when Barmy Albert turned up in the most embarrassing shirt you have ever seen. “Cost me fifty flamin’ quid this!’ I sez to him “I hope you kept the receipt"  “Too right" he replied, "First thing tomorrow, this is going straight back to the Man United club shop...”

 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but where we went terribly wrong was naming the pandemic Covid. If perchance, we’d have called it Everton, it would have never have made it into Europe. You can always tell a Scouser, but you cannot tell ‘em much.

                                                  

Boris was visiting an old folk’s home purely as a publicity stunt to show how sympathetic he was to the Covid problem in the elderly. He went up to nonagenarian Elsie Grabknuckle, who was in a wheelchair and sez: - “Do you know who I am?” “No, I don’t” she replied “but if you ask Matron, she will tell you.”

 

A random woman buttonholed Non-Stick Nora in the local Co-op and haughtily announced: - “You’re supposed to be wearing a mask!”  Nora gazed at the harridan with a saturnine grimace and replied: - “I’m supposed to be wearing underwear too, yet here we are....”

                                        

Meanwhile, in the Amazonian forest, a group of intrepid explorers hear distant drumming. As they journey nearer to the sound, the percussion abruptly stops and the native guide suddenly seems most perturbed.  The expedition's leader asks him: - "What's going on?" The guide sez:- “Very bad when drumming stops." So the explorer’s leader asks "Why, what happens then?"  The guide explains: - "Bass solo starts."   This reminds me of the drummer who inadvertently locked his keys in his car and couldn’t get the bass player out...

                                                 

Being currently self-unemployed and skint, I’ve taken to selling a few items on eBay.  Last week, I sold a homing pigeon 241 times! Then it started going awry. I sold all my Adele collection of CD’s (albums & singles). In good faith, I posted them all to the purchaser, but have received no money. It’s been almost six weeks now. Should I give up or should I just keep on chasing payments?  Furthermore, should we leave the EU without Adele?

                                                

Breaking News: McAfee, Norton and AVG have joined the race to come up with a vaccine!

 

Quote: - Dominic Cummings, who has the perpetually disappointed look of someone who wanted to sell his soul to Satan, only to find he hasn’t got one. Frankie Boyle.

 

Don't let COVID 19 kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

 

                                          

The new quarantine Monday lockdown lark. (In a limited and specific manner...)

With the announcement of yet newer lockdown rules coming into force last Monday, I reckon that I’d feel safer if COVID-19 held a press conference and told us how to protect ourselves from Boris and his cronies!

David Tennants portrayal of Denis Nielsen is phenomenal. However, the choice of music in the opening credits, namely Frank Ifield singing “I’ll Dismember You” was in my opinion, poor taste...

 

 Moreover, one would have thought that while the cast of Eastenders had three months enforced Sabbatical they would have indulged in a few acting lessons.



Wallpaper peeling off the walls. Windows constantly steamed up. If anybody has got any idea how to fix my terrible condensation problem, then please pop round. The kettle's always on!

Thursday Thought:- Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.




The missus asked me what I was Googling on the PC. "I sez.”I'm looking for some cheap flights," "Oh that's brilliant," she cooed. "Have you had any luck? I'll help you if you want." It's weird coz she's never shown any interest in darts before now.

I was incandescent with rage last Monday. Considering who I can call, to complain about gatherings and parties. Gatherings of more than six people are prohibited. I definitely counted at least seven folk next door. It’s not fair that we are entering yet another lockdown and everyone is so nonchalant. There were copious amounts of beer, not to mention a barbecue and they were playing Bob Marley music really loud. It makes me furious to think how many can get infected. I pondered on contacting the local constabulary to report this appalling incident and then Barmy Albert had the common courtesy to invite me to join them. Onward and upward! Wahay!



I am thinking of making an investment in some land and I’m considering buying a ball park. Does anybody know how much they cost? A rough estimate will suffice.

Grandads gone into a nursing home and I phoned to see how he was getting on. The matron sez, "He's like a fish out of water." I asked her if he was finding it difficult to adjust to his new surroundings. "No" she sniffed, "He's dead"...

I have flabby thighs, but I am fortunate that my stomach covers them.



I renewed my car insurance over the phone today, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet. I said, "Yes, I've got a dog called Alfie." She said, "Would you like to insure him too?" I sez, "No thanks, he can't drive!"

I’ve got some racing geese for sale. Let me know if you want a quick gander!..

Charlie Chaplin lived 88 years. He left us 3 important statements:
(1) Nothing is forever in this world, not even our problems.
(2) I love walking in the rain because no one can see my tears.
(3) The most lost day in life is the day we don't laugh.
Life is just a journey! Therefore, live for today! Tomorrow may not be. Now visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington. Then get back to quarantine and wash ya hands!

The Covid test debacle....

BBC News: "People sent long distances for Covid tests" I've heard people have travelled from London to Castle Barnard to get their eyes tested, too.

Non Stick Nora wanted a divorce because of Barmy Albert’s obsession with metaphors. He told me:- “It came like a bolt out of the blue, you could have knocked me down with a feather, took the wind right out of my sails, I can tell yer...” Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

What kept everything stuck down before Newton invented gravity?

Thursday Mathematical Quiz: - George is 82 his girlfriend is 22. How much money has George got? Obviously, more than sense!



Fascinating Fact:-Caerphilly cheese is cheese made carefully whilst Edam is made backwards.

Just one more sleep until I lose my job as a night security guard. It’s much better than actually working at the Job Centre. If you lost your job there, you’d still have to go back the following day. In retrospect, I’ve lost many a good job through the sack. My last boss asked me if I could think of a number between P44 and P46. The missus lost her job too. She’s developed rheumatism in the shoulder and can’t throw the harpoon any more. It’s all very sad...

Over the weekend, I received a weird text from a number I didn't know. I texted back, "Who is this?" Then got a message back saying, "I'm your worst nightmare!" This left me rather perplexed as the missus was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time. Moreover,
Whenever a woman sez, "We need to talk," why is it never about football?

A little girl and a little boy were at nursery. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, you wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband." That’s when the fight started!

My little dog Alfie won't stop barking at me! I think that he's asking to call in the betting shop, after which he wants to go walkies down the pub to watch the footie. Then he would like to have an hour at the lap-dancing bar. After that, he wants to pick up a curry on the way home! The sacrifices I have to make.....

Why is ballet pronounced ballet and wallet pronounced wallet but not wallet? The English language is totally weird. It can be understood better by using tough, thorough thought though....

The wife accused me of being tight-fisted. To prove her wrong, I took her out for tea and biscuits. She was quite surprised, as she has never donated blood before.




Q) What do I, as a common person, have to do to become an affiliate of this weekly humour column?" A) Well, it's simple. First, stop being common. Next, log on to my website www.ComedianUK.com and answer the following question: Did you ever find a potato that resembled a member of your family? If so, who? Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

What is the endgame?

I have done my best to respect the diverse opinions regarding COVID-19 over these past few months, but I have these nagging questions about it... A friend posted this and it brilliantly sums up my train of thought:
Please just take politics out of it and read this with an open mind using common sense.
Anyone out there who can tell me what our end game is with the covid 19?
What is the magic formula that is going to allow us to sound the all clear?
Is it zero cases?
The only way that will happen is if we just stop testing and stop reporting.
Is it a vaccine?
It took 25 years for a chicken pox vaccine to be developed.
The smallpox inoculation was discovered in 1796 the last known natural case was in 1977.
We have a flu vaccine that is only 40 to 60% effective and less than half of the UK population choose to get one, and roughly 20,000 British will die of the flu or flu complications.
Oh, you'll mandate it, like other vaccines are mandated in order to attend school, travel to some foreign countries, etc.
We already have a growing number of anti vaxxers refusing proven, tested, well known vaccines that have been administered for decades but aren’t necessarily safe!
Do you really think people will flock to get a fast tracked, quickly tested vaccine, whose long term side effects and overall efficacy are anyone's best guess?
How long are we going to cancel and postpone and reconsider??
What if October's numbers are the same as August's?
You moved football to summer?
What if next March is worse than this one was?
When do we decide quality of life outweighs the risks?
I understand Covid can be deadly or very dangerous for SOME people, but so are peanuts, strawberries, and so is shellfish.
We take risks multiple times a day without a second thought.
We know driving a car can be dangerous, we don't leave it in the garage.
We know the dangers of smoking, drinking and eating fried foods, we do it anyway.
We speed, we don't fasten our seatbelts.
Is hugging Gran really more dangerous than rush hour on the motorway?
Is going out with friends after work more risky than 4 day old petrol station sushi?
Or operating a chainsaw?
When and how did we so quickly lose our free will?
Is there a waiver somewhere I can sign that says, "I understand the risks, but I choose a life with Hugs and Smiles, and the Community Fair and Concerts and Parties."
I understand that there is a minuscule possibility I could die, but I will most likely end up feeling like crap for a few days.
I understand I could possibly pass it to someone else, if I'm not careful, but I can pass any virus onto someone else.
I'm struggling to see where or how this ends.
We either get busy living or we get busy dying.
When God decides it's your time, you don't get any mulligans, so I guess I would rather spend my time enjoying it and living in the moment and not worrying about what ifs and maybes, and I bet I'm not the only one.



(I copied this from a friend. Feel free to do the same.)