The Lockdown Chronicles....

                                               

Good News! Folk who have contracted the dreaded virus and have been put on one of those new Dyson Ventilators, it’s been reported that they’re picking up very nicely...

Barmy Albert phoned me. He sez: “I reckon I’ve copped for this Coronavirus m8.” I asked him what the symptoms were. He replied: “Well, there’s Marje, Homer & Bart and they’re on Channel 4 now!”

                               

CAUTION! If anyone receives an email with the heading "Ding-Dong" Do not open it! Apparently, it’s Jehovah’s Witnesses working from home...

I recollect the times when people could actually smoke in pubs. Now you can't even flamin’ drink in them!

                                           

With the new legislation that was passed in Parliament last week, now that the police have the powers to break up groups, can we start with COLDPLAY and U2?


Observing social distancing protocol during this lockdown lark, the missus and I have been sleeping right on the edge of the bed on our respective sides. Last night I noticed that there were six feet between us. I've no idea who they belonged to......

                                           

On Wednesday night, I had a drink in every room and pretended I was on a pub crawl! I got so pissed, I don’t remember getting back from the kitchen!

Effinell! I never thought I’d see it in my lifetime, but it’s actually happened! Yes folks, the DFS sale has actually ended! Who’d a thowt it?

                                                       

Greggs have closed their retail outlets, but are now operating a home delivery service using drones. In my opinion, it’s all a bit pie in the sky...


Dating ads: Single bloke with pack of Andrex toilet rolls would like to meet girl with a bottle of hand sanitizer for some good clean fun....

My lockdown, self-isolation and social distancing diary: Monday - stayed in. Tuesday - stayed in. Wednesday - stayed in. Thursday - stayed in. Friday - stayed in. Saturday- went to Tesco. Saw all the empty shelves - wish I’d have stayed in!

                                                     

             

Self-Isolation and COVID-19 is such a stressful and prolific factor in our lives now that in America (where else?) you can now employ a professional worrier. It’s catching on here in the United Kingdom as well. These professional worriers charge five hundred quid per week and for this exorbitant fee, they will do all your worrying for you, thereby leaving you with a totally stress free environment. I thought that this was such an awesome concept that I have employed three of these so-called professional worriers to come and work for me on a personal basis. Of course, you are probably thinking how can I afford £1500 per week? Well the simple answer is, I can’t. But I’ll let the worriers worry about that!


                               

Don't let Corona virus kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com. Now, assume a comical position, wash your hands, sing ‘Happy Birthday’ and stay at home! Oh, and don’t touch ya face!


                                   

*Bill Gates What is the Corona/ Covid-19 Virus Really Teaching us?

                                                 

I’m a strong believer that there is a spiritual purpose behind everything that happens, whether that is what we perceive as being good or being bad.

As I meditate upon this, I want to share with you what I feel the Corona/ Covid-19 virus is really doing to us:

1) It is reminding us that we are all equal, regardless of our culture, religion, occupation, financial situation or how famous we are. This disease treats us all equally, perhaps we should to. If you don’t believe me,
just ask Tom Hanks.

2) It is reminding us that we are all connected and something that affects one person has an effect on another. It is reminding us that the false borders that we have put up have little value as this virus does not need a passport. It is reminding us, by oppressing us for a short time, of those in this world whose whole life is spent in oppression.

3) It is reminding us of how precious our health is and how we have moved to neglect it through eating nutrient poor manufactured food and drinking water that is contaminated with chemicals upon chemicals. If we don’t look after our health, we will, of course, get sick.

4) It is reminding us of the shortness of life and of what is most important for us to do, which is to help each other, especially those who are old or sick. Our purpose is not to buy toilet roll.

5) It is reminding us of how materialistic our society has become and how, when in times of difficulty, we remember that it’s the essentials that we need (food, water, medicine)
as opposed to the luxuries that we sometimes unnecessarily give value to.

6) It is reminding us of how important our family and home life is and how much we have neglected this. It is forcing us back into our houses so we can rebuild them into our home and
to strengthen our family unit.

7) It is reminding us that our true work is not our job, that is what we do, not what we were created to do.
Our true work is to look after each other, to protect each other and to be of benefit to one another.

8)It is reminding us to keep our egos in check. It is reminding us that no matter how great we think we are or how great others think we are,
a virus can bring our world to a standstill.

9) It is reminding us that the power of freewill is in our hands. We can choose to cooperate and help each other, to share, to give, to help and to support each other or we can choose to be selfish, to hoard, to look after
only our self. Indeed, it is difficulties that bring out our true colors.

10) It is reminding us that we can be patient, or we can panic. We can either understand that this type of situation has happened many times before in history and will pass, or we can panic and see it as the end of the world and, consequently, cause ourselves more harm than good.

11) It is reminding us that this can either be an end or a new beginning. This can be a time of reflection and understanding, where we learn from our mistakes, or it can be the start of a cycle which will continue until we finally learn the lesson we are meant to.

12) It is reminding us that this Earth is sick. It is reminding us that we need to look at the rate of deforestation just as urgently as we look at the speed at which toilet rolls are disappearing off of shelves. We are sick because our home is sick.

13) It is reminding us that after every difficulty, there is always ease. Life is cyclical, and this is just a phase in this great cycle. We do not need to panic; this too shall pass.

14) Whereas many see the Corona/ Covid-19 virus as a great disaster, I prefer to see it as a *great corrector*

It is sent to remind us of the important lessons that we seem to have forgotten and it is up to us if we will learn them or not.


                                               

The Lockdown Continues....

                           

I begged the missus: “Put this nurse’s uniform on!” She replied: “Ooooh! Why’s that?”

I sez: “Get to Tesco, early doors. We need a loaf!”              

Life is so stressful in total lockdown mode; especially when you’re in that self-isolation, quarantine and two metre social spacing lark that Boris has imposed on us. This can lead to stress related mental meltdown, which in turn can manifest itself into a touch of the ‘Coronaviral Blues’ and becoming a tad unhinged. Whilst being stuck at home, I have adopted a strict regime. I divest myself of my day time pyjamas at 9 pm, and change into my night time pyjamas. Furthermore, always take at least three placebos every day to keep yourself on an even keel. Indeed, I am becoming quite addicted to them. In a further attempt to make life more bearable, I have been trying to eliminate all the clutter that surrounds me in the house. When the missus left me, half of my problem was remedied forthwith, but then she came back. A visit from a certificated bailiff got rid of the rest of it. It’s not a pretty sight when one gets ones chattels repossessed. Then I read an incredible book that made me develop a profound interest in feng shui. It’s about inner harmony and all that gubbins. One must synchronise up ones Ying with ones Yang, it’s all to do with attaining a personal alignment betwixt positive and negative influences. Dragons can have a positive life effect, whereas a river rat is big trouble. Geddit? My house is also near a pub and a betting shop, so this constitutes perfect harmony. Even though they are both shut, I can resist anything, but temptation. Geomagnetism is a basic component of feng shui. Proponents claim that feng shui has an effect on health, wealth, and personal relationships. Moreover, due to feng shui and the realignment of interior furnishings, all the chairs in our house, now face the telly.

You've got to feel sorry for Phillip Schofield in all of this. He's only just 'come out' now he's being told to stay in!

                                                       

Stress is such a prolific factor in our lives now that in America (where else?) you can employ a professional worrier. It’s catching on here in the United Kingdom as well. These professional worriers charge five hundred quid per week and for this exorbitant fee, they will do all your worrying for you, thereby leaving you with a totally stress free environment. I thought that this was such an awesome concept that I have employed three of these so-called professional worriers to come and work for me on a personal basis. Of course, you are probably thinking how can I afford £1500 per week? Well the simple answer is, I can’t. But I’ll let the worriers worry about that!

                                               

BREAKING: Train & bus drivers will now have to work from home. I reckon that traffic wardens should follow this example.



This stupid panic buying is ridiculous! I've just paid £10 for 12 Oxo cubes!! The stock market's gone doo-lally!

                                                             

Self Isolation: I don’t even find it boring to stay all day inside, but I don’t understand why in one bag of rice there are 2453 grains, whereas in the other one 2467. East Enders has announced a break in production and the Eurovision Song Contest has been cancelled. Suddenly, staying in starts to look a lot less daunting. A new drink for self isolation is The Quarantini. It’s just like a normal Martini, but you drink it alone at home.

                                           

My neighbour Ivy has been in isolation for two weeks. She's climbing the walls.


                                   

Don't let COVID 19 kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

                                         

Covid 19 - Tottenham 0.

                                                      

 What with all this Brexit, HS2 and COVID 19 lark, there’s finally summat to look forward to in March 2020! Don’t forget the clocks go forward at 2am on the Sunday the 29th! So we’ll all get one hour less rain, sleet, hailstones, storms with daft names and gales! Wahay!



I’m totally flabbergasted! This defies belief! I’ve just bought 40 packs of Toilet rolls and on the back of the packaging, it states: ‘MADE IN CHINA.’ I also purchased 1 cwt of pasta and it comes from ITALY! Aaaaargh!


                                   

                                                                                              
In Germany they've become so perturbed about the COVID -19 virus they're putting towels on the hospital beds at 4am in the morning! Moreover, I’m a big fan of self oscillating...

                                         
My little dog Alfie ran off at the weekend and I looked all everywhere for over an hour to find him, without any success. I went home and told the missus what had occurred and she told me that I should look harder. Anyway, I’ve shaved my head, got a tattoo and some piercings. However, I still can’t find that flamin’ dog!



Still on the subject of looking harder, Barmy Albert was attacked and mugged by four skinhead blokes, up Scropton Street, right outside The Pit Bull and Stanley Knife pub. He put up a fantastic fight, in the end they held him down, went through his pockets and all he had was 35p.The muggers exclaimed: "You put up a good fight for just 35p! Why did you bother? "Albert opined: "I thought you were after the five hundred quid in me sock!" That’s when the proper fight started!

                                   

Hey guys, listen up! If you think that a woman is mad at you, then just tell her that she is overreacting and she’ll calm right down immediately.



Early on in my showbiz journey, I was abducted by a group of mime artists. They did unspeakable things to me. This was around the time when I was also an usherette at The Odeon Cinema. I was in a dark place back then. I also had a Wigan address.

                                                       

The missus curtly informed me: "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?" So I took her out to McDonalds and to Wetherspoons, then I dropped her off at her parents’ house! Result!

                                 

I rang the bank as my latest statement included a pair of size 50 multi-coloured shoes, a large bicycle horn and a gigantic plastic flower. It now transpires that my debit card has been clowned!

                                                   
I phoned Northern Rail (pronounced Fail) and asked them: "What is the use of having a train timetable, if the trains are constantly late?" The laconic reply from the person at the other end of the phone was: "How would we know they were late, if we didn’t have a timetable?"

                                           

When Non-Stick Nora bought her grandson a train set for his birthday, she was amazed to find that it came with a replacement bus service!


I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke! For more BIG jokes, just visit my websitewww.ComedianUK.com or email me comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                           

Steven P Taylor - Poetry...

             

Well I’ve woken up so that’s a start.
With healthy lungs and healthy heart
I’ve got no pain in any way
It’s nice to see another day
No coughs or banging in my head
Suppose I should get out of bed
Another day to live and breathe
Before I take my viral leave
So off I go with fear and dread
To mingle with the living dead
Although I aim for crazy goals
I need some soap and toilet rolls


Wish me luck !

Steven P Taylor

The Coronavirus Pandemical COVID -19 Voluntary Isolation Quarantine Lockdown Gubbins....

                                               


                                         

Pandemonium ensued at Seymour Phunbagz Lap-Dancing Emporium, when somebody sneezed and the venue was immediately put on total lockdown! I had no option but to voluntarily quarantine myself for two weeks, with all these nubile, voluptuous, scantily clad young women, in order to prevent the spreading of this malicious COVID-19 malady. I texted the missus: ‘I am under coronaviral quarantine. If I’m not back home in a fortnight, then read this text again...’

     

                   
                                             

I bumped into Elsie Grabknuckle in Scropton Street Pound Shop last week. She was looking a tad chapfallen and imparted some heartbreaking news. “My Tommy has passed away” She opined, “He caught that there Coronavirus.” I sez: “I'm so sorry to hear that. How old was he?” She replied: “Fixty Sore” I sez: “Oh dear, that’s no age at all, is it?”



Even dyslexic folk are panic buying! I popped into HMV in Manchester and they had completely sold out of Lou Rawls!

                                   

With all this Coronavirus gubbins knocking about, I wager all the companies manufacturing sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together. They’ll be strutting about like Bond villains!


While queuing in the Post Office, three blokes wearing masks wandered in. There was total panic! It wasn’t until they shouted “This is a robbery,” that we all calmed down!

                                                        

In my local pub, The Pit Bull and Stanley Knife, they had a Neil Diamond tribute act on and when he sang ‘Sweet Caroline’ and got to the bit where the lyrics are: “Hands touching hands, touching me, touching you" everyone rushed to the toilets and washed their hands, whilst singing “Happy Birthday!”

                                                 

                                                           

            

Statistically, you're less likely to die from coronavirus than you are to be struck by lightning, eaten by a shark, or attacked by an Everton player!



Great tweet from ex Everton goalkeeper Neville Southall: “People keep going on about washing their hands to stop getting Coronavirus. Just give them gloves. As a lot of people say I caught fuck all when I wore mine!”

However, looking at the bigger picture, Coronavirus is not the main issue. What is important is that countless Britons think they are going to die without obtaining a blue passport.


                                           

Banknotes can be contaminated, so exercise extreme caution. If you’re in doubt, just send them to me and I’ll dispose of them at Wetherspoons. I just handled a Swedish bank note. Do you think I might have the Krona virus? Still on the subject of Sweden, the missus has a face like a Norse.

I was in the chemist and I sez to the assistant: "What gets rid of COVID-19 on worktops and other domestic surfaces?" She replied: "Ammonia cleaner." I sez: "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!"

                                             

                                       

I phoned Northern Rail (pronounced Fail) and asked them: "What is the use of having a train timetable, if the trains are constantly late?" The laconic reply from the person at the other end of the phone was: "How would we know they were late, if we didn’t have a timetable?"




                                                 

When Barmy Albert bought his grandson a train set for his birthday, he was amazed to find that it came with a replacement bus service!

                                     

                                     


Life is akin to a party. You invite loads of people, some leave really early, whereas many stay all night long, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up very late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the shambles. Generally, they aren’t even the ones who created all the turmoil. These people are not just your true friends in life. They are the only ones that matter. I am your friend and you can visit my website 24/7. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

                                                 

                               

The Phillip Schofield Multi-Storey Moment....

The Meteorological Office gives names to storms. Last week was Jorge (pronounced Haw-hee!) because it originated in Spain. Next one is to be called Meganharry, primarily because it doesn’t acknowledge where it’s from or even where it’s going, continuously blowing hot and cold, which inevitably results in a right royal hooley!.

I was working at Media City in Salford and bumped into Phillip Schofield in the multi-storey car park. He asked where the nearest toilets were. I sez: “Phillip, wee by any car!”

At the wedding ceremony the vicar asked: “If anyone has anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom, they should speak now, or forever hold their peace”. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the vicar. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride threw her bouquet into the font and started sobbing. Then slowly, the groom’s mother fainted. The best man started sweating and everyone was giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save this embarrassing scenario. The vicar asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?" There was absolute silence in the church. You could've heard a cockroach fart. The woman replied: "We can't hear at the back!”





Whilst queuing at the McDonald’s drive-through at Hattersley, yesterday morning and the harridan behind me beeped at me and made a rude gesture because I was taking too long to place my order. So I paid for her food as well as my own. I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all smug at me, because the assistant told her I paid for her food. She must’ve felt totally embarrassed. When I got to the second window to get my order, I showed them both receipts and took her food too, I paid for it, and it’s mine! Get right to the back of the queue, vixen! That’s when the fight started!

I watched that early evening programme on BBC TV called "Pointless". This is otherwise known as "The One Show"


I was terrible at spelling when I was at school. I did however, excel at Jograffy though...

Barmy Albert went to Scropton Street Car Mart and sez to the salesman: "Do ya have a car for fifty quid?” The salesman replied: Don’t be daft, Albert, you’re taking the Mickey." Albert starts to walk out and the salesman shouts: "Hang on a minute, mate, I've got a car out the back you can have for fifty dabs, but it's got no doors on it”. “Barmy Albert stared at him in disbelief and retorts: "Well, if it has no doors, then how the hell am I going to get in it?”

I’ve given up Lent for alcohol. My doctor asked me if I drank much beer. I replied: “Yes.” He asked me: “How much?” I sez: “About £3-50 a pint”.
                                             
Network. Dream big. Plan ahead. Get up early. Stay focused. Stay off your phone. Read more books. Avoid lollygaggers and knaves. Take risks. Write down your goals. Live on less than you earn. Make your health a top priority. Do deeds that matter to you. Learn from folk you admire. When you’ve done all that, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!