Coming out of the broom cupboard...

                                           

After all this weeks kerfuffle, Philip Schofield was looking forward to Vaselines Day and then he fancied doing a runner...

                                   

A delivery guy just turned up with a roll of bubble wrap. "Where do ya want this, mate?" He shouted. "Just pop it in the corner." I sez. He's been there for over two hours now! Another thing is that you should never pop bubble wrap because all the air in it is from China.

                                   

                                       

I phoned PC World technical services, because I was having difficulties with my computer. I told her the problem. The techno dude sez: “Right click, go to tools-internet options- accounts, then properties”. I replied: “Hang on, slow down, I can't keep up with all that!” She asked: “What have you done up to now?” I replied, “I've written click...”

                                         

Barmy Albert drove his Reliant Robin Interceptor 3 litre Ghia Hatchback Trans-Am 3x3 (twin carb with stabilisers) out of the garage. Taking off down the A57, he floored it to 32 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through the little wisp of hair he had left. "Wicked!" he thought as he glided down Hyde Road, getting caught in the slipstream of a milk float. In his rear view mirror, he spied a police car, blue lights flashing and siren wailing. "I can get away from him, no mither!" thought Albert as he pressed the pedal to the metal and floored it to 43, then 45, then 47 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What in Harry Hill am I doing? I’m too old for all this gubbins!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the jam butty car to catch up with him. Five seconds later, pulling in behind him, the efficient policeman ambled up to the driver’s side of the Reliant Robin, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes."Today is Friday, and I’m off to Rhyl for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you off." Barmy Albert looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Many years ago, my wife ran off with a copper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the bobby.


                                   

So, I sez to this woman, “Did you know that Halley's comet takes seventy-six years to travel once around the sun?” "Get out of here," she exclaimed. "It's true," I replied," Furthermore, did you know that Mozart was only five years old when he wrote the music of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." "No, get out of here," she said again, "this is the ladies toilets!”




                                   

Aristotle always maintained that it was the mark of an instructed mind to rest satisfied with the degree of precision which the nature of the subject admits and not to seek exactness when only an approximation of the truth is possible. I wholeheartedly agree. So visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com then assume a comical position and strike the pose!