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Saturday, 22 February 2020



🇬🇧Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

🇬🇧Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

🇬🇧The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

🇬🇧Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

🇬🇧 Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

🇬🇧 Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

🇬🇧 Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

🇬🇧 Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether


🇬🇧 Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

🇬🇧"You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

🇬🇧 Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

🇬🇧 "I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

🇬🇧 The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

🇬🇧 Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

🇬🇧 Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

🇬🇧 Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

🇬🇧 Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

🇬🇧 Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

🇬🇧 Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

🇬🇧 Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

🇬🇧 Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

🇬🇧 Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

🇬🇧 Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

🇬🇧 Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

🇬🇧 Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

🇬🇧 Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

🇬🇧 Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

🇬🇧 Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home

🇬🇧 The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

🇬🇧 The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

🇬🇧 “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

🇬🇧 Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

🇬🇧 Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

🇬🇧 Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best
🇬🇧 Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door.

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