Happy New Year 2020! Wahay!

I always find New Year's Eve quite stressful. I visited the doctor and I've been diagnosed with Auld Langxiety.

At exactly 12.02 pm on New Year's Eve afternoon, my Welsh friend texted me 'Blwyddyn Newydd Dda'    I thought: ‘He's started drinking early!’

                                               

                                  

There was a big fight over the Christmas holidays. Apparently, a Bandit called Rocky went Crackers, and hit a Penguin over the head with a Club tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribband, then made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hob- Nobbing with a Ginger Nut. Two accomplices, one known as Garibaldi and the other known only as Rich T. Unfortunately, they don’t have a crumb of evidence, so the Jammie Dodger might get away with it! Christmas Crackers!

                                                 Am I a Joke to you, Austin?

                           

To all my friends and family who I gave the present of a book for Christmas, just mentioning that they have to be returned to Glossop library by the end of the January.

                                                         

I asked the parachute shop owner, "What will happen if it doesn't open?" He said, "Bring it back with the receipt and we will refund you." What a decent bloke, I can't argue with that.

                                   

Apparently the Finnish language has a word "kalsarikkanit", which roughly translated means "sitting at home in your underwear drinking alcohol, with no intention of going anywhere." Can any of my readers please suggest other single words for multi-tasking? Answers on a coastguard please. Matron will choose a winner.

                                           

A policeman pulled Barmy Albert over on New Year’s Eve. He curtly informed him: "You've got no tax or insurance, furthermore, your front nearside tyre is completely flat, you've got a can of lager in your hand and to compound an already unfortunate farrago, you are not wearing a seatbelt!" Albert replied: "I'll see you tomorrow then...." "What's that supposed to mean?" asked the copper. Albert sez: "Hang on a minute, officer, I'm on the phone."

RIP Kenny Lynch.
We were in a restaurant once and scribbled on a napkin over 100 rhyming slang for piles. We started off with Farmers & Chalfonts and then expanded it to over 100! Maybe we made some up, like Sheepdog (Trials) and Sandy Lyles , Sieg Hyles & Bathrooms (Tiles), Tate & Lyles, Nobby Stiles......Happy days.

Friends, don’t worry about what you have scoffed between Christmas and New Year. Just worry about what you eat between New Year and Christmas!
                                                                 

Non-Stick Nora took her ten year old grandson swimming yesterday. She sez: "If you can make it to the other side, I’ll buy you an Apple iPad for your birthday” So off he went, but after a while he vanished from sight! Nora still doesn’t know if he actually made it to Calais or not.

                                 

Fascinating Fact: The irresistible urge to roar like a lion is never more than a whim away.


                                     

In 2020, walk away from folk who put you down. Walk away from disagreements that will never be amicably resolved. Walk away from trying to please people who will never see your true worth. The more you walk away from scenarios that poison your soul, the healthier and happier you will be! There are those that I've walked with in my life. There are those that I have walked past. There are those who've walked all over me and then there are many I truly wish I could walk alongside right now.

 If you fancy a chortle this New Year, then visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington. Happy New Year Folks! Wahay!

Yuletide Shenanigans....

                                  

I sez to the missus: “Oi Fishface! What do ya want for Chrithmuth?” She shouted:”Don’t get lippy!” I replied: “Right! Mascara it is then!”


                                          

It cost a staggering £10 to go see Santa Claus at a large Manchester department store and forced to wait in a long queue for well over an hour. All that was forthcoming was a two minute meeting with Santa and a cheap mass produced plastic toy. What a rip-off con job that was! I’m just so glad I never took the kids...

                                                     

I asked Father Christmas for a Bentley Turbo and he told me be more realistic. After thinking for a moment, I asked him for a trustworthy political party to be voted in on December 12th. He asked what colour Bentley Turbo I fancied......

                                  

I didn't buy an advent calendar this year so I've decided to open a kitchen cupboard every day and eat whatever's inside there. I had a bottle of Worcester sauce today!



At the Christmas staff gathering, when people tell me, "You're going to regret that in the morning", I sleep until the afternoon, primarily because I'm a problem solver.

                                    

My missus can do a far better West Midlands accent than me, which just goes to show that the female of the species is more Dudley than the male.

                                                                     

My daughter just came running up to me; "daddy daddy! I've changed my mind. I don't want a bike for Christmas any more!" "Why not?" I asked. "Because I've just found one behind the wardrobe."



While my neighbour, Barmy Albert was away visiting relatives last Christmas, I was tasked with looking after his pet snake. However, it escaped and crawled into our chest freezer and subsequently perished. I was so worried; I asked Non-Stick Nora how I could explain this unfortunate occurrence to Albert. She replied: “Just give it to him straight!” That’s when the fight started!

                                       

Did you know that there is not a single canary on the Canary Islands and the same thing goes for the Virgin Islands. Not a single canary there either!

                                                  

I’ve just tried to scrape the ice off my car windscreen with a B&Q discount card. It was rubbish. I only got 10% off...

                                       

Fascinating Fact: Charlie Sheen is American, Michael Sheen is British, but Mr Sheen is Polish.



This whimsical Christmastide column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, tinselly tonsils, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting & inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than Santa’s elves. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes & Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com