I’ve just had a state of the art electronic garage door installed. It’s voice controlled and opens when it hears the wife's voice. To be honest, I ain’t seen it shut yet…
The missus sez I'm very immature and that I possess a childlike mentality and that we need to set some time aside to discuss this problem. As if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!
We went to see Disney On Ice. Neither of us were impressed at all. It was just some old bloke in a fridge freezer...
I was out in Wetherspoons with my mates over the weekend, when I glanced at my mobile phone and noticed a staggering eighteen missed calls from the missus. That's an average of six calls per day! Is she insecure or what?
I met a homeless man sitting on a bench,
I asked him how he ended up this way.
He said: "Up until last week, I still had it all.
I had a roof over my head, a cook, my clothes were washed & pressed,
I had TV, Internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, school if I wanted ..."
I asked him, "What happened?
Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that" he said.
"No, no ... I got out of prison"
I was out in Wetherspoons with my mates over the weekend, when I glanced at my mobile phone and noticed a staggering eighteen missed calls from the missus. That's an average of six calls per day! Is she insecure or what?
I met a homeless man sitting on a bench,
I asked him how he ended up this way.
He said: "Up until last week, I still had it all.
I had a roof over my head, a cook, my clothes were washed & pressed,
I had TV, Internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, school if I wanted ..."
I asked him, "What happened?
Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that" he said.
"No, no ... I got out of prison"
To the person who stole my selfie stick.You need to take a long look at yourself
I asked the librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but couldn't say if it was there or not.
I've just got my first plastic fiver. I'm off to the Early Learning Centre now to buy a little till.
We were in the pub last night when our mate Dave turned up in the most embarrassing shirt you have ever seen.
"Cost me fifty fucking quid this" he said as we all continued laughing.
"I hope you kept the receipt" I said with a smile.
"Too right" he replied, "First thing tomorrow, this is going straight back to the Man United club shop...
I asked the librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but couldn't say if it was there or not.
I've just got my first plastic fiver. I'm off to the Early Learning Centre now to buy a little till.
We were in the pub last night when our mate Dave turned up in the most embarrassing shirt you have ever seen.
"Cost me fifty fucking quid this" he said as we all continued laughing.
"I hope you kept the receipt" I said with a smile.
"Too right" he replied, "First thing tomorrow, this is going straight back to the Man United club shop...
Me, behave? Seriously? As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies. The fault is not mine! Visit my webbensiten: www.ComedianUK.com
Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!
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