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Thursday, 1 September 2016



Howl! as Garry Shandling delves into his 'personal stash' for us. Snort! at Russell Kane's favourite funnies! Guffaw! at Tommy Cooper classics! And gird your sides for a rip-roaring hysterical hit list, assembled without recourse to taste or decency from the grandest old masters and hippest young gag slingers...

Steven Wright

"I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'"

"If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?"

The late great Mitch Hedberg

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless."

"I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something."

Canada's finest, Stewart Francis' best jokes

"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

"I went to a karaoke bar last night that didn't play any Seventies music. At first I was afraid. Oh, I was petrified."

Austin Knight  

The taxi driver spouted inane drivel from the moment he picked me up. A barrage of unrelenting addlepated blather assaulted my lugholes. He informed me: “I just love my job, me. I’m self-employed. I’m my own boss and nobody ever tells me what to do.” I sez to him, “Next left here, mate.”

I'd just layed two intricate place settings at the dining table, using the best cutlery and crockery and then the missus walked in and sez, "Ooooh, this a surprise!" I looked at her and replied, "Too flamin' right it is. I didn't expect you back until Friday!"

Louis CK's best joke

"Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, 'Those Chinese people, they can fly! You know about the Puerto Ricans... they're made of candy!'"

Ronnie Barker

"A man walks into a chemist's and says, 'Can I have a bar of soap, please?' The chemist says, 'Do you want it scented?' And the man says, 'No, I'll take it with me now.'"

The favourite joke of Dave Gibson (AKA Ray Green)

David Baddiel

"Belinda Carlisle sings, 'We dream the same dream.' But I can't believe that every night Belinda Carlisle has a wet dream about Wilma Flintstone."

Steve Hall's favourite joke

Austin Knight

When my daughter Suzie Nellie (21) was about 5 years old, she had an imaginary friend, who somehow possessed the rather sophisticated and somewhat grand moniker of Copper Du Maze. I was always taking the Mickey out of her because of this, however, one day; she got upset and stormed into her bedroom, slamming the door. I knew that I had to set things straight and went into her room and declared: “I’m very sorry for having a go at you about your imaginary friend and would like to unreservedly apologise.” She looked at me, with tears in her eyes and proclaimed: “Thank you daddy.” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied: “I’m not talking to you; I’m talking to Copper Du Maze.”

Dave Attell

"A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a body."

Ken Jeong's favourite joke

Jerry Seinfeld: The quintessential routines

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked."

"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'"

"Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom."

"According to most studies, people's No.1 fear is public speaking. No.2 is death. Death is No.2. Does that sound right? This means, to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy."

"Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur."

"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."

"The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women, because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy."

"I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it, can't eat it, can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'"

"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door."

Austin Knight.

Last weekend, a bloke came off his motorbike right outside my house. There was a gaggle of folk meandering around him, so I went out and shouted, “Let me through!” This woman asked me, “Are you a doctor?” I replied, “No! He’s got my pizza!”

Jimmy Carr

"If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?"

"My father always used to say, 'What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.' Until the accident."

"A big girl came up to me after a show and said, 'I think you're fatist.' I said, 'No, no. I think you're fattest.'"

Jackie Mason

"I was just offered a job in Palestine. They offered me half a million dollars plus funeral expenses."

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life... unless I buy something."

"It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the Gentiles are saying, 'Have a drink. Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying, 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!'"

Comedy trailblazers: top jokes from the circuit

"I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, 'One minute I'm on the phone.'" - Alan Carr

"Ain't no pickpocket trying to steal my suitcase. It could be an expensive laptop computer or it could be the end of their life. It's too much of a gamble." - Imran Yusuf

"Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner." - Milton Jones

"With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don't have to swear. Reason being, things work." - Henning Wehn

"The first coherent line ever spoken was: 'I have no idea what you're talking about.'" - Eddie Izzard

"The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast." - Demetri Martin

"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess." - Matt Kirshen

"I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs." - Nick Helm

"I've written a letter to the Royal Mail to complain about my post being stolen. To make sure they see it, I've put it inside a birthday card." - Gary Delaney

Austin Knight

Innit awful gerrin auld? Last weekend, whilst walking the dogs around Valehouse reservoir, in downtown Tintwistle, the missus proclaimed: “The reason you’re morbidly obese is that you don’t ‘power walk’ around here. You merely saunter!” I’ve been considering her proclamation and have come to the following conclusion. When I was a lot younger, women would have a go at me for many reasons such as being unfaithful, excessive boozing and gambling on horses etc. However, the older you get, the lesser the crime. I am now being berated for sauntering! Furthermore, I’m NOT morbidly obese. I’m quite happily obese! Isn’t life grand, when you’re doo-lally!

Adam Bloom - He's Ricky Gervais' favourite stand-up!

Favourite pub joke
"There's an elderly Jewish man with a much younger girlfriend, who he can't satisfy sexually. So, he decides to see his rabbi for advice. The rabbi says, 'Next time you make love, employ a handsome, muscular young man to stand by your bed, vigorously swinging a towel above his head the entire time. That should do the trick.' So the Jewish man hires a really fit male model for the night and then has sex with his girlfriend while the male model stands next to their bed, vigorously swinging a towel above his head. Nothing happens. The model politely suggests that the two men swap places, so that the model has sex with the girl and the Jewish man swings the towel. They swap places and, within two minutes of having sex with the muscular male model, the girl has multiple orgasms. The Jewish man looks at the model and says, 'See? That's how you swing a towel!'"

Adam Bloom's best joke
"Is it fair to say that if it wasn't for Comic Relief, Lenny Henry would be starving?"

The Moose, by Woody Allen

"I shot a moose once. I was hunting in upstate New York and I shot a moose. And I strap him onto the fender of my car, and I'm driving home along the West Side Highway, but what I didn't realise was that the bullet did not penetrate the moose. It just creased the scalp, knocking him unconscious. And I'm driving through the Holland Tunnel - the moose woke up. So I'm driving with a live moose on my fender. The moose is signalling for a turn, y'know? There's a law in New York state against driving with a conscious moose on your fender, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. And I'm very panicky, and then it hits me: some friends of mine are having a costume party. I'll go, I'll take the moose, I'll ditch him at the party. It wouldn't be my responsibility. So I drive up to the party and I knock on the door. The moose is next to me. My host comes to the door. I say, 'Hello. You know the Solomons?' We enter. The moose mingles. Did very well. Scored. Two guys were trying to sell him insurance for an hour and a half. Twelve o'clock comes - they give out prizes for the best costume of the night. First prize goes to the Burkowitzes, a married couple dressed as a moose. The moose comes in second. The moose is furious. He and the Burkowitzes lock antlers in the living room. They knock each other unconscious. Now, I figured, is my chance. I grab the moose, strap him onto my fender and shoot back to the road. But I got the Burkowitzes. So I'm driving along with two Jewish people on my fender, and there's a law in New York State... Tuesdays, Thursdays and especially Saturday. The following morning the Burkowitzes wake up in the woods in a moose suit. Mr Burkowitz is shot, stuffed and mounted at the New York Athletic Club. And the joke is on them, because it's restricted."

Garry Shandling reveals his private stash!

"I was in bed with this woman and she said, 'Hey, not in the ass.' And I said, 'Hey it's my thumb, it's my ass. If you don't like it, go in the other room.'"

"I wrote a suicide note once and it said: 'I'm not mad at anybody, this is just something I wanted to do for myself.'"

"I don't like the word 'f***'. I think it's disrespectful and sort of has a bad connotation to it. So I was making love to this woman in the ass..."

Classic comedians

"I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card." - Joan Rivers

"During the festive season, we must not forget those who are less fortunate than ourselves. The poor, for example. They may attempt to burgle your house while you are at church." - Harry Enfield (as Mr Cholmondley- Warner)

"I doubt there's a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare." - Victoria Wood

"A government survey reveals the prime minister is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy." - Ronnie Corbett

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I." - Billy Connolly

"Specialisation means that everyone becomes better and better at less and less and eventually someone will be superb at f***-all." - Kenneth Williams

Ronnie Corbett: "Do you think marriage is a lottery?"
Ronnie Barker: "No. With a lottery you do have a slight chance." - The Two Ronnies

"God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time." - Robin Williams

"I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells." - Richard Pryor

Milton Jones

"I was walking along today, and on the road I saw a small, dead baby ghost. Although thinking about it, it might have been a handkerchief."

"I supplied Filofaxes to the Mafia - yeah, I was involved in very organised crime."

"Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them. They don't like that."

"I'm very English, really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'How To Have Absolutely Nothing To Do With Your Neighbours'. Unfortunately, I was out when it was delivered."

"The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever."

"I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying, 'I don't want to bore you with the details.'"

Tim Vine

"I went to the doctor and he said, 'You've got hypochondria.' I said, 'Not that as well.'"

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

Jack Benny

"Nothing funny happened to me on the way to the theatre tonight. So good night."

GQ's best of Tommy Cooper

"I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any."

"A man walked into the doctor's. He said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more.'"

"Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

"A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK, you're ugly as well.'"

"A man walked into the doctor's. The doctor said, 'I haven't seen you in a long time.' The man replied, 'I know. I've been ill.'"

"I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody; it was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be; it's been dead two weeks.' I said, 'Not only that,' I said. I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other.' He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?' I said, 'Forget the chicken; give me a lobster. And he brought me this lobster. I said, 'Just a minute, he's only got one claw.' He said, 'Well he's been in a fight.' I said, 'Well give me the winner.'"

Russell Kane's best jokes

"I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out."

"What's the most evil snack imaginable for a vegetarian? Philosophically speaking, it's a Scotch egg because it's got death on the outside and potential for life within."

The best of Simon Munnery

"Look at the sea and think of your evolutionary past. Look at the sky and imagine the future. Look at the land and think of the present. And at the most profound place, where land, sea and sky meet, there ye shall play volleyball."

"I don't worry about losing my looks. It's finding them on someone else that worries me."

"I remember when I posed as a customs officer so that I could meet Oscar Wilde. I said to him, 'Have you anything to declare?' He said, 'I have nothing to declare but my genius.' I said, 'I'll put that down as nothing then shall I?' For I am the wittiest man on earth."

"Plagiarism is the highest form of art, just as theft is the highest form of commerce."

Australia's finest, Adam Hills' best joke

"I had no idea about the global financial crisis. Watching it unfold was like watching my father being molested by a clown. I knew it was going to affect me, I just wasn't entirely sure how."

Michael McIntyre

"Don't Man City and Man United sound a bit like gay clubs? 'Where you off to tonight? Man City? We're off to Man United. And a bit later we're off to the MEN Arena.'"

"I'm glad Carol Vorderman has left Countdown. I mean it's not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf stacker."

"My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with. She read hers out: 'One, George Clooney; two, Brad Pitt; three, Justin Timberlake; four, Jake Gyllenhaal; five, Johnny Depp.' I thought, I've got the better deal here: 'One, your sister...'"

"A Geordie said to me, 'Are yous looking at us?' How many mistakes can you make in one sentence?"

"Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, 'I've come to turn down your bed.' To which I said, 'Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?'"

"There are only two conditions where you're allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: it's snowing or the death of a celebrity."

Emo Philips

"I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them."

"Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken. Which is what gave me the courage to do it."

"So I'm at the Wailing Wall, standing there, like a moron, with my harpoon."

Miles Jupp

"Trains in Britain can be late for all sorts of reasons: speed restrictions, livestock on the track, or a totally substandard rail infrastructure that's publicly funded, privately run and answerable to no one. All sorts of reasons."

"Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day. 'Would you buy a second-hand car from this man?' they asked. 'Would you buy a second-hand car?' I replied."

"'Confidence is half the battle,' they say. I shouldn't imagine that's official military advice. 'Sorry, the guns have jammed and we've lost all our armour, but we still have positive body language; that ought to see us through some desert combat.'"

"If you mention the idea of homebirth to someone of an older generation, they're always instantly mistrustful. But that's just a generational thing, like racism and never indicating."

Andi Osho's favourite jokes

"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub. Come to my show to find out the hilarious consequences of their actions."

"A man is only as faithful as his options." - Chris Rock

"It's hard for a man to turn down sex... if they chase us, we can't run that fast." - Chris Rock

The best of Jack Whitehall

"I'm posh but I don't take any stick for it. It's like I always say, sticks and stones may break my bones but f*** it, I'm with Bupa."

"I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

Comedy trailblazers: top jokes from the circuit

"If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been 'It's round.'" - Eddie Izzard

"A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020." - Rich Hall

"I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought, this could be interesting." - Paddy Lennox

"A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble." - Rhod Gilbert

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades." - Demetri Martin

"My wife said, 'Rob, I'd love to have children.' Now, I'll be honest. I wasn't sure. Did I want to go through it all again? The lifting, the carrying, the mopping up of the spillages? And that's just when you're making love trying to have the child." - Rob Brydon

"If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change... I'd still say no." - Bo Burnham

"I've just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it." - Gary Delaney

"My great uncle Arthur died at the Battle of the Little Bighorn. But he wasn't involved in the fighting. He was camping in a nearby field and popped over to complain about the noise." - Rob Brydon


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