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Sunday 15 February 2015

The Meeting....


After a meeting in Manchester a few days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I searched in every pocket, but to no avail. Suddenly, I realised I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park. The missus keeps going on at me for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. She reckons that the car could get stolen. As I looked around the NCP car park, I realised she was right. The car park was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been nicked. Then, I made the most difficult call of all to the wife, (Or ‘Jurassic Park in Knickers’, as I lovingly refer to her) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice. "Are you taking the Mickey? I dropped you off!" Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this copper that I didn't nick your car!" Welcome to the golden years...

Fascinating Fact: The average person will walk nine hundred miles per year and will drink on an average, a staggering twenty-seven gallons of beer. That's an average of 41 miles to the gallon. I get about 90 miles to the gallon, give or take the odd litre.

Celebrating Valentine’s Day and the premiere of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie: Beads of perspiration cascaded betwixt her cleavage. Her whole body shuddered and tensed. She groaned and writhed for what seemed an eternity, before finally sighing loudly. It's always the same when the missus gets up off the settee...

This little girl sez to her Dad, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to be funny, the father replies, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I have?" questions the confused kid.... "Deffo," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"

Yesterday, I was on the phone to Npower about my bill,when I said to the wife "Pop into the garage with a pen and paper love and write down what it says on the meter"
She came back a minute later and handed me a piece of paper that said "Danger High Voltage"

Travelling a lot, (You have to do with my act!) I just love the free stuff that you get in hotels. Like coffee, tea, sugar, milk, shampoo, soap, 32' plasma TV's, kettles, irons, towels, bedding, copper piping, brass taps, electric lamps, etc. .

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