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Thursday, 12 February 2015

Return Of The Knight...


I’m back! Now what are your other two wishes? It’s been a crazy year for yours truly, so it has. In 2014, I worked for Royal Caribbean on their flagship vessel ‘Oasis of the Seas’, which is the biggest luxury cruise liner in the world, accommodating a staggering 7,000 passengers and 3,000 crew! This is a truly state-of-the-art ship, and it was a joy to be part of the inaugural sailing around the magnificent Mediterranean Sea. So far, in 2015, I have been entertaining passengers on Fred Olsen’s famous ‘Balamoral’, on their Grand Voyage of the Far East. Now read on.....

I told her honestly: "I might not be wealthy. I have no money, or villa in Mustique, or prestige cars. Neither do I own several blue-chip companies like my mate Dave, but I love you, truly, madly, deeply and I absolutely adore you." She gazed at me with huge tears welling in her beautiful blue eyes and hugged me passionately, like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear.... "Can you introduce me to Dave?"

Fascinating Fact: Always remember that the definition of a gentleman is someone who can play the bagpipes, but doesn’t...

A linguistics professor at Manchester University was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

I sez to the missus, "Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of English football?" "It's bobbins," she replied. "Total rubbish." "More than likely," I sez, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...."

You never know what goes on in the cranium of a kid! Over Christmas, the missus had a dinner party for friends and family, some of whom we hadn’t seen for ages. Everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All through the meal, the wife's friend's four year old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my utmost to ignore her, but finally it was too much for me. I asked her, “Why do you keep staring at me?” Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the whole table went quiet for her response. The little girl sez, “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: Email me: Now, get back to work!


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