Nigella Rules....

Christmas Cooking Tip: To get the best results and most perfect icing on your Christmas cake, ask Nigella to sneeze on it...

Talk about fickle! Sometimes, she'll wear my PJ's in bed. If it's freezing like last night, she'll put my jacket round her shoulders. She will even wear my socks. But when I wear her bra & kecks just one f***ing time, I have 'Underlying Issues' and I need 'Cognitive Behavioral Therapy'. ffs!

My local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a punter. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried, over time: Weightlifters, Dockers, etc., but nobody could do it. Then one day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Okay,” grabbed the lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little bloke. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence, as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1000, and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The little geezer quietly replied: "No, I work for the Inland Revenue."

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that if you say the word ‘Gullible’ very slowly, it sounds like ‘Oranges.’ Incredible!

I have downloaded Fleetwood Mac voice onto my SatNav. It keeps saying, "You Can Go Your Own Way" wherever I am. So I'm constantly lost!

I’ve decided to take up a hobby, in order to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day. Barmy Albert has strongly recommended Archery. I walked up to the desk in the leisure centre and asked where to go for the 'Archery for Beginners' class. "Just follow the arrows on the floor." he told me. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!


Cockney folk take note! Regarding ‘Knees Up Mother Brown’. Since time immemorial we northerners have been alarmed to witness your haranguing of an elderly woman. Not only do you insist that the hapless matriarch is obliged to position herself beneath fixtures and fittings, but you also see fit to threaten her with below hip amputation should she have to stoop to do so. Your unfeasible request is surely nigh on impossible to be acceded to whilst sustaining rigidity. Failure to address these shortcomings will result in my obligation to report you to Social Services for abuse.

In life, there are only two things to worry about: whether you are in fine fettle or whether you are poorly sick. If you're fit, fine wonderful & well, then there's nowt to worry about. If your back legs have gone, there are only two things to worry about: whether you will get betterer or whether you'll turn your toes up. If you get betterer, there's nowt whatsoever to worry about. If you're going to snuff it, you have only two things to worry about: whether you go to heaven or whether you go to hell. If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about. If you arrive in hell, you'll meet so many of your friends there, you'll feel very much at home, So why worry? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and strike the pose!

No Movember!

Last week, shortly after my British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain came over the tannoy and announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, from Manchester to London, Heathrow. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........Oh my God!" Silence then ensued. A few minutes later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!" From the back of the plane, I shouted, “You should see the back of mine!” Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

I sez to the missus, (I call her ‘Babe’- you’ve seen the film) over dinner last night, "Have I told you that you look absolutely divine today?" " No you haven't" she said with a bashful smile. "Well, there's a reason for that," I replied....

Since time immemorial, most people have been searching for an answer to something. The meaning of life, true love, or their place in the world. Or deeper issues like, how do you get a Reliant Robin on a ramp or where are the next generation of seedless grapes gonna come from? Me? I'm still trying to find Wally!

A chauffeur driven Rolls-Royce Silver Phantom pulled up outside my door yesterday. This guy in a tuxedo, brandishing a crystal glass of champagne alighted from the back of the car and calmly meandered down the drive. I rushed out of the house and shouted, “Oooooh! Have I won the Euro millions?” “No” he sniffed. “I’ve come to read your gas meter!”

Barmy Albert was lying in his new girlfriend's bed, when he suddenly noticed four lines carved into the headboard. "Is that how many men you've slept with? he asked. "Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven." Oh dear. Hat and coat time already!

In church, I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you: "Dear Lord, This has been a tough two or three years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze. My favourite musician Michael Jackson.
My favourite blues singer Amy Winehouse. My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
I want you to know that my favourite politicians are: David Cameron, Nick Clegg and George Osborne”.


Last November, everyone grew a moustache and it was called Movember. I'm not bothering with all that rubbish this year, so I'm calling it NoMovember, or November for short...


Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

Hallelujah!

This is a true story, told to me by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test. This particular English bloke lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was really bladdered! The gendarme signals for him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English bloke replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.' 'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a Corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.' 'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate Dave downed a bottle of Johnny Walker's black label.' Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'? The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'And do you understand that I'm English, same as my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the steering wheel?'

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine fella, who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve. Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Nora arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was in the oven, and the table set. She was flabbergasted! It turns out that Albert had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to make love'. The night went very well. The next day, Nora told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Albert even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterwards?' asked her friends. 'Oh, that........... Albert was too tired.'

I was in a mobile phone shop: "This is a high-end Smart Watch," said the assistant. "It features full mobile phone capability, meaning you can make and receive calls simply by holding it up to your ear." "Sounds great," I said. "But then how would I tell the time?"
He said, "That's what your mobile phone is for." Hmmm, methinks that life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were merely fruits...

I knocked on my neighbour's door yesterday, and said, "Sorry to be cheeky, but do you mind if I use your bathroom? Mine's out of order at the present time." "Not at all, come on in," he laughed. About twenty minutes later he knocked the door and said, "Excuse me, but are you all right in there?" I shouted, "I'm spot on. You need to buy more Radox bubble bath, by the way."

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

Tightly packed isobars...

BBC WEATHER WARNING! "With force 8 gales battering the United Kingdom, be prepared for objects coming off the line, such as items of clothing or Joe Hart."

Horrible weather here today. Tempestuous rain and fifty mile an hour gales. The missus has done nowt but gaze through the front window. After four hours, I felt quite guilty and decided to let her in...

My dyslexic friend has rubbed Cherry Blossom shoe polish all over his tallywacker. I sez, "You stoopid git, your supposed to turn your clock back!"

"Trick or Treat?" sez this teenager at the door. "What have you come as?" I asks. "A Werewolf." came the reply. "But you're just wearing jeans & T-Shirt" I say. "Yeah, but it's not a full moon yet!" came the reply....

A policeman stopped a Scouser as he walked out of Curry's Electrical yesterday. He said, "Before I perform a search, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?" The Scouser sez, "No officer, just Sony and Panasonic."

BREAKING NEWS: Hollywood are doing a remake of The Exorcist. In this version, a woman hires the devil to get a priest out of her son...

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Endevouring to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I do?" questions the confused youngster.... "Sure," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, "You mean just like my other daddy does?"

Best tip I've ever been given. Don't want to be embarrassed while buying something untoward? Then just buy a birthday card with it! Sorted innit!

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor.   "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you. "

No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed.

"No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?"

"No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.

"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. "Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me!

According to a recent scientific study, the best way to avoid being killed by a shark is by poking it in the eyes. Not that I class myself as smarter than these scientists, but I think I will stick to my current tactic of living in Glossop.

Something positive comes from summat negative. If you've ever lost your iPhone, take solace in the thought that maybe, just maybe - a large family of mice has now acquired a giant flat-screen TV.

If I could offer you some bona-fide advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then that’s the end of skydiving! Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!