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Tuesday 2 July 2013


If you had a wig made out of pubic hair, would you call it a clout round the head?

If you are blind, when you die, do you just think you have gone deaf?

Ben decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sally felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Ben that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.   He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Ben felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.

Ben looked Sally in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.   She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.  Sandy and Ben got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Ben whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.  As Sally put her hands in Ben's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Ben ran after her to find out what was wrong.  She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'   'Yes, it is ... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.'

 A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that day. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son!" The robot slaps the mother!   P.S. Robot For Sale

It was darts and dominoes night last Tuesday at my local pub, The Pit Bull and Stanley Knife. My neighbour Barmy Albert and I are in the team. However, the missus (I call her ‘Babe’ – you’ve seen the film) had other ideas, she fancied a quiet night in and despatched me to the local Indian restaurant for a take-away curry. As I was leaving the house, she shouted “Would you like me to slip into something different when you get back?” “Yes” I muttered, “How about a coma.”

I went to pick up the car from the garage and the mechanic sez “I couldn’t fix the brakes, so I made the horn louder.”

Aristotle always maintained that it was the mark of an instructed mind to rest satisfied with the degree of precision which the nature of the subject admits and not to seek exactness when only an approximation of the truth is possible. I wholeheartedly agree. So visit my website: then assume a comical position and strike the pose!

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