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Sunday, 16 August 2020

Covid the cat.....



A female Siamese cat has become the first animal in the UK to be diagnosed with corona virus, Please don’t ask meow! If perchance, it was dognosed and not diagnosed, the outcome would have been horrendous!

Migrants sailing into the United Kingdom on rubber dinghies will now be intercepted by HMS Taxi and HMS Travelodge and then transferred to HMS Benefits. Boris is in charge! Never tar all politicians with the same brush. Use a roller!



Young Quentin opened up his exam results last week, only to discover that that he’d been downgraded. He got two C's, an A, and a D which is ironic because instead of revising he was listening to AC/DC. I told him straight that he should have been listening to ABBA.
I’m strongly considering questioning my O level results now and demanding a reappraisal. It was 1976, but hey-ho!



To whoever left his £30,000 diamond studded, solid gold Rolex on the bar in the Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife pub, last night; I’d like to let you know that the time now is 18:51 precisely!

I was in the Post Office queuing two metres apart yesterday when Diana Ross tried to push in. I told ‘er straight, I sez:- “You can’t hurry love; you’ll just have to wait!”

Well it's official. I'm losing it! I’ve developed lockdown lunacy. I've just sat through the whole of the new Sponge Bob Squarepants movie. Now you might not think that's unusual. Trust me it is, I'm sat on my own....

Thursday Thought: - A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled...

Quiz: - If Watson isn’t the most famous doctor, then Who is...

Quote: - If it wasn’t for the fella who invented electricity, then we’d all be watching Netflix by candlelight. Diane Abbott




Non Stick Nora was watching the BBC news with Barmy Albert when Fiona Bruce announced: - “Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." Nora starts sobbing "That's horrible! So many men dying that way!" Confused, Albert sez: - "Yes, Nora, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, Nora, still wailing replies: - "How many is a Brazillion?"
.
Large crystal ball for sale. £40, but you will knock me down to £28.50.

If you made a mistake, then apologise. If you are thankful, just say it. If you’re confused, ask questions. If you are lucky enough to learn summat new, then teach it. If you are stuck, ask for assistance. If you’re wrong, admit it. If you are in a position to unselfishly give, then give. If you love someone, tell them NOW! If you’re famished, ask someone to make you a cheese omelette! If you fancy a chortle, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington! You can email me too: - comedianuk@sky.com
Now, get back to quarantine and get self-isolating!



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