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Sunday, 23 February 2020

That's when the fight started....


                                       

A teacher at a Comprehensive School in Manchester asks a girl to use "handsome" in a sentence. A girl named Latisha says, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's Soul Pole, my jaw aches sore and I hafta’ use my handsome."



                                                    




Last year, Barmy Albert was considering having a tattoo for his birthday, but he only has a small garden and thought the neighbours might complain about the bagpipes. The big surprise was when Non-Stick Nora treated him with a ticket to a lap dancing club. Upon arrival at the venue, the doorman greeted him with: “Hiya Albert, how ya doin’?” Nora opined: “How does he know you so well?” Albert replied: “He’s on the darts team down The Pit Bull and Stanley Knife; we’re in the Scropton Street League.” Upon ordering a drink, the barman shouts “Nice to see you, Albert. How’s tricks?” Nora asks Albert why the barman is so familiar with him. Albert replied: “Oh, I play cricket with him at the cricket club every summer.” Suddenly, lap dancer appears and sez to Albert: Hello there Albert. Would you like the special again tonight?” With this, Nora is incandescent with rage and drags Albert out of the venue and flags down a taxi. Before Nora could say anything, the taxi driver declared: “Crikey, Albert, you’ve pulled a right minging old harridan this week!” That's when the fight started. Barmy Albert can be visited in Tameside Hospital. He is in Wards 4 - 5 - 6 & 7....

                                               


Even though the forest was rapidly disappearing, the trees kept voting for the axe. However, the axe was really clever and convinced the trees that because his handle was made out of wood that he was one of them. Moreover,  12% of Americans believe that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife. I now see how Trump got elected.

                                                   


FASCINATING FACT: I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS. THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN ROME.



My favourite naughty song is when Sting sings about feeling Sue Lawley.



Some people are real. Some people are good. Some people are fake. Then, some people are real good at being fake...

                                        


I went for a jog, but came back home after a minute. The reason being, I’m morbidly obese and can’t run for more than a minute.



I paid carpenter cash up front to make me a double bed. He’s only gone and done a bunk!



There is a bloke on my street, who has been featured in the "Guinness Book of Records" for having suffered an amazing forty-six concussions! He lives very close to my house, in fact, he’s just a stone’s throw away...



AWKWARD BRITISH PROBLEMS:

1) Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

2) Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again.

3) The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up.

4) Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again.

5) Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever.

6) Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new wrong name forever


                              


 What's more fun than a barrel of monkeys? Why, that would be reading this gloppy but funny column in this fantastic newspaper! Besides, monkeys bite, scratch and are prone to occasionally spitting. If you opt for the monkeys, be sure to be up to date on your rabies and tetanus vaccines and remember that you should never monkey around with another monkey’s monkey! You can visit my website though and troll my now famous ‘Jokey-Bloggington’. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com

                            






Saturday, 22 February 2020

AWKWARD BRITISH PROBLEMS...

                                   

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

                                                   


πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§"You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ "I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best
πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door.

Friday, 21 February 2020

RIP Talli Halliday. Lesley Rae Bancroft



Funeral details ...
St Helen's Crematorium 3pm Tuesday 25th February 2020.


All to bring a single red rose and no black dress !
Everything in colour πŸ‘

Thursday, 20 February 2020

How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a Facebook group?


                                         

"Q: How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a Facebook group?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.


Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

Seventeen purists who use candles and are offended by light-bulb discussions.

Six to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.

Another six to condemn those six as stupid.

Twenty-two to tell THOSE six to stop being jerks.

Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.

Fifteen know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

Forty-nine to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)

Nineteen to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

Eleven to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

Twenty-four to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs.

Forty-four to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

Twelve to post F.

Eight to ask what F means.

Seven to post 'Following' but there are three dots at top right to select that option, so you don't have to.

Three to say, "Can't share."

Two to reply, "Can't share from a closed group."

Thirty-six people to post pics of their own light bulbs.

Fifteen people to post, "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.

Six to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$".

Four to say, "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

Thirteen to say, "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

One to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

Fifty more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

Five admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

One late arrival to comment on the original post six months later and start it all over again."

                   

Monday, 17 February 2020

Storms & Abject Horror!

                                           
                             

There was abject horror in Doveholes last week when Storm Ciara blew a bloke out of the Benefits Office into the Job Centre. Luckily, Winter Storm Dennis blew him back again!
                                           

Not saying it was windy last week, but my wheelie bin is on a speed awareness course this coming Thursday.

                                               

Whilst on the subject of storms, the wife stormed into the scullery with my cell phone and screamed "I've just been looking through your mobile and you've been talking to some other woman!" I looked up guiltily and responded "It’s true. We speak for hours every day" She broke down sobbing, then sniffled "Why? What’s she got that I haven't?" "Unlimited minutes" I replied.

                                   


On the same subject, my wife seems to have two major problems:

1) Nothing to wear.

2) No room for all of her clothes.



Things are on the up! The good news is that the missus has landed a part-time job, washing dishes. The bad news is, it’s at Jodrell Bank....


                             



Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly to Little Charlie. "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for this lovely cake." "If you don't mind, ma'am," the boy suggested nervously, "Would you thank her for two cakes?"





The taxi driver spouted inane drivel from the moment he picked me up. A barrage of unrelenting addlepated blather assaulted my lugholes. He informed me: “I just love my job, me. I’m self-employed. I’m my own boss and nobody ever tells me what to do.” I sez to him, “Next left here, mate.”

                                     


Non-Stick Nora was sitting at the bar of my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when a tall, exceptionally handsome extremely sexy, middle aged man entered. He was so striking that Nora could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as any man would). Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, for fifty quid, on one condition." Flabbergasted, but intrigued, Nora asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." Non-Stick Nora considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a £50 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said, “Paint my house”.

                                                   


I worked a club in Halifax, Yorkshire one night and the concert secretary asked me if I had a good memory for faces, when I asked him why I would need to have, he replied “Someone’s nicked the mirror out of the dressing cupboard!”



Thursday Thought: We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school.


                                         



Thursday, 13 February 2020

In days of yore....

                                 


In days of yore, when I first trod the boards, I did impressions of current stars and a Tommy Cooper type magic act. I had the good fortune to make Tommy’s acquaintance in the mid 1970’s, when he topped the bill at all the major nightclubs in the North West. I wrote a few scripts for him and he passed them on to Thames TV and they were featured on his most popular television show. We were invited to his home in London, which was a large detached house, with four bathrooms. Tommy put fully dressed tailors dummies in all the toilets, so when anybody paid a visit, they’d enter and go: “Oh sorry!” and consequently, everyone was bursting for a wee and Tommy was laughing his socks off!

                                                 
I started out as a comedy impressionist. As you can see by the photo, I did Max Wall (Freddie Starr revived Max's career by doing him on 'Who do you do') and Columbo had just come out on the weekly 'Mystery Movie' and was most popular. Johnny Hamp already had launched 'The Comedians', so I did impersonations of Bernard Manning, Frank Carson, Mike Reid, Ken Goodwin etc. I did Tommy Cooper with all the daft magic and all the American stars such as John Wayne, Jimmy Stewart, Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas. Ted Heath and Harold Wilson were also in there.


This coincided with when I was fortunate enough to also meet Les Dawson and managed to get a few sketches on Sez Les, produced by Yorkshire TV. We created a character called Thaddeus Quilt who was always making big mistakes and was constantly a victim of schadenfreude, from his family and other associates. Another was a bank robbery sketch, whereby the robber put his balaclava on just outside the door and when he came in the bank, he pointed a gun at Les and demanded to know if Les had seen his face before he put the mask on. Les replied: “No I didn’t, but the missus did!”


                                           

Moreover, Maxton G. Beesley had just won Hughie Green’s Opportunity Knocks and needed a topical script to perform on the all-winners show. Harold Wilson was prime minister at the time, and we were on a three day week, so we did a reworking of The Lord’s Prayer. “Our Partners, who art in Brussels, Harold be my name, prime minister be my game, give us this day, our threshold pay, lead us not into inflation, but deliver us from evil and send us some petrol, oh yes! And send us some diesel...


                                         

Towards the late 70’s, I formed a comedy band to accompany me round the clubs. We named them way Smelly Kelly & The Subway Sniffers. One night, the drummer had inadvertently locked the keys in his car and we couldn’t get the bass player out! The drummer had three daughters. He named them: Anna One, Anna Two and Anna One-Two-Three-Four. Some musicians couldn’t read music; this band couldn’t read the lyrics! The keyboard player thought that a semibreve was a dwarf with asthma, whereas the bass player thought that a crotchet was summat you put down your underpants.

                                       


I worked a club in Halifax, Yorkshire one night and the concert secretary asked me if I had a good memory for faces, when I asked him why I would need to have, he replied “Someone’s nicked the mirror out of the dressing cupboard!”


                                             



I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke! For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                               

Sunday, 9 February 2020

Coming out of the broom cupboard...

                                           




After all this weeks kerfuffle, Philip Schofield was looking forward to Vaselines Day and then he fancied doing a runner...

                                   

A delivery guy just turned up with a roll of bubble wrap. "Where do ya want this, mate?" He shouted. "Just pop it in the corner." I sez. He's been there for over two hours now! Another thing is that you should never pop bubble wrap because all the air in it is from China.

                                   

                                       
I phoned PC World technical services, because I was having difficulties with my computer. I told her the problem. The techno dude sez: “Right click, go to tools-internet options- accounts, then properties”. I replied: “Hang on, slow down, I can't keep up with all that!” She asked: “What have you done up to now?” I replied, “I've written click...”

                                         


Barmy Albert drove his Reliant Robin Interceptor 3 litre Ghia Hatchback Trans-Am 3x3 (twin carb with stabilisers) out of the garage. Taking off down the A57, he floored it to 32 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through the little wisp of hair he had left. "Wicked!" he thought as he glided down Hyde Road, getting caught in the slipstream of a milk float. In his rear view mirror, he spied a police car, blue lights flashing and siren wailing. "I can get away from him, no mither!" thought Albert as he pressed the pedal to the metal and floored it to 43, then 45, then 47 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What in Harry Hill am I doing? I’m too old for all this gubbins!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the jam butty car to catch up with him. Five seconds later, pulling in behind him, the efficient policeman ambled up to the driver’s side of the Reliant Robin, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes."Today is Friday, and I’m off to Rhyl for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you off." Barmy Albert looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Many years ago, my wife ran off with a copper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the bobby.


                                   



So, I sez to this woman, “Did you know that Halley's comet takes seventy-six years to travel once around the sun?” "Get out of here," she exclaimed. "It's true," I replied," Furthermore, did you know that Mozart was only five years old when he wrote the music of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." "No, get out of here," she said again, "this is the ladies toilets!”




                                   



Aristotle always maintained that it was the mark of an instructed mind to rest satisfied with the degree of precision which the nature of the subject admits and not to seek exactness when only an approximation of the truth is possible. I wholeheartedly agree. So visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com then assume a comical position and strike the pose!