Search This Blog

Monday, 26 November 2018

Some Very Interesting Predictions....






MOT & Garage repair business will go away.



A gasoline engine has 20,000 individual parts. An electrical motor has 20.


Electric cars are sold with lifetime guarantees and are only repaired by dealers. It takes only 10 minutes to remove and replace an electric motor. Faulty electric motors are not repaired in the dealership but are sent to a regional repair shopthat repairs them with robots. Your electric motor malfunction light goes on, so you drive up to what looks like a Jiffy-auto wash, and your car is towed through while you have a cup of coffee and out comes your car with a new electric motor!


Gas stations will go away.


Parking meters will be replaced by meters that dispense electricity.


Companies will install electrical recharging stations; in fact, they’ve already started. You can find them at select Dunkin Donuts locations.


Most (the smart) major auto manufacturers have already designated money to start building new plants that only build electric cars.


Coal industries will go away.


Gasoline/oil companies will go away.


Drilling for oil will stop.


So say goodbye to OPEC!


Homes will produce and store more electrical energy during the day and then they use and will sell it back to the grid. The grid stores it and dispenses it to industries that are high electricity users. Has anybody seen the Tesla roof?


A baby of today will only see personal cars in museums.


The FUTURE is approaching faster than most of us can handle.


In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo paper worldwide. Within just a few years, their business model disappeared and they went bankrupt. Who would have thought of that ever happening? What happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next 5-10 years and, most people don't see it coming. Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later, you would never take pictures on film again?


With today's smart phones, who even has a camera these days? Yet digital cameras were invented in 1975. The first ones only had 10,000 pixels, but followed Moore's law. So as with all exponential technologies, it was a disappointment for a time, before it became way superior and became mainstream in only a few short years. It will now happen again (but much faster) with Artificial Intelligence, health, autonomous and electric cars, education, 3D printing, agriculture and jobs.





Forget the book, Future Shock, welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution.





Software has disrupted and will continue to disrupt most traditional industries in the next 5-10 years.


UBER is just a software tool, they don't own any cars, and are now the biggest taxi company in the world!


Ask any taxi driver if they saw that coming.


Airbnb is now the biggest hotel company in the world, although they don't own any properties. Ask Hilton Hotels if they saw that coming.


Artificial Intelligence: Computers become exponentially better in understanding the world. This year, a computer beat the best Go-Player in the world, 10 years earlier than expected.


In the USA, young lawyers already don't get jobs. Because of IBM's Watson, you can get legal advice (so far for right now, the basic stuff) within seconds, with 90% accuracy compared with 70% accuracy when done by humans. So, if you study law, stop immediately. There will be 90% fewer lawyers in the future, (what a thought!) only omniscient specialists will remain.


Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer, its 4 times more accurate than human nurses.





Facebook now has a pattern recognition software that can recognize faces better than humans.





In 2030, computers will become more intelligent than humans.





Autonomous cars: In 2018 the first self-driving cars are already here. In the next 2 years, the entire industry will start to be disrupted. You won't want to own a car anymore as you will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your location and drive you to your destination. You will not need to park it. You will only pay for the driven distance and you can be productive while driving. The very young children of today will never get a driver's license and will never own a car.This will change our cities, because we will need 90-95% fewer cars. We can transform former parking spaces into parks.


1.2 million people die each year in car accidents worldwide including distracted or drunk driving. We now have one accident every 60,000 miles; with autonomous driving that will drop to 1 accident in 6 million miles. That will save a million lives plus worldwide each year.





Most traditional car companies will doubtless become bankrupt. Traditional car companies will try the evolutionary approach and just build a better car, while tech companies (Tesla, Apple, Google) will do the revolutionary approach and build a computer on wheels.






Look at what Volvo is doing right now; no more internal combustions engines in their vehicles starting this year with the 2019 models, using all electric or hybrid only, with the intent of phasing out hybrid models.





Many engineers from Volkswagen and Audi; are completely terrified of Tesla and so they should be. Look at all the companies offering all electric vehicles. That was unheard of only a few years ago.


Insurance companies will have massive trouble because, without accidents, the costs will become cheaper. Their car insurance business model will disappear.


Real estate will change. Because if you can work while you commute, people will move farther away to live in a more beautiful or affordable neighborhood.


Electric cars will become mainstream about 2030.


Cities will be less noisy because all new cars will run on electricity.


Cities will have much cleaner air as well. (Can we start in Los Angeles, please?)


Electricity will become incredibly cheap and clean.


Solar production has been on an exponential curve for 30 years, but you can now see the burgeoning impact. And itâ€TMs just getting ramped up.


Fossil energy companies are desperately trying to limit access to the grid to prevent competition from home solar installations, but that simply cannot continue – technology will take care of that strategy.


Health: The Tricorder X price will be announced this year. There are companies who will build a medical device (called the "Tricorder" from Star Trek) that works with your phone, which takes your retina scan, your blood sample and you breath into it. It then analyses 54 bio-markers that will identify nearly any disease. There are dozens of phone apps out there right now for health purposes.





WELCOME TO TOMORROW.


It actually arrived a few years ago.

A Weasel in Wetherspoons....

                                           


Well the Christmas tree is up. It’s still up in the loft, where it belongs! Bah Humbug!


I received a letter from my local council, telling me that, on collection day, wheelie bins must be positioned as close as possible to the path but not overlapping, otherwise I could be fined. I wrote back asking if, when emptied, my bins could be positioned nowhere near to where I left them, preferably either slap bang in the middle of my driveway or two doors down. And, give them their due, they followed my instructions to the letter.

This Brexit gubbins is driving me doo-lally! Hypothetically, it’s like I have just sold a car to Theresa May, I had it priced at £5,000 but she said the deal wasn’t right, after some tough negotiations I had to accept £10,000, and I have retained ownership of the aforememtioned vehicle. I have also agreed she wouldn't be able to drive it without my permission. I recollect that it was only a few months ago she told me she would rather walk than buy car from me...

                             


Non-Stick Nora was attending a first aid course and the instructor asked her: “What would you do if Barmy Albert accidentally swallowed your front door key?” She thought for a minute and replied: “I’d climb through the kitchenette window...”


                                  

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" I sez. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder." I stepped back and replied: "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?"

                            


A weasel walks into Wetherspoons and the barman sez: ”What can I get you to drink?” “Pop” goes the weasel....

   

Royal Mail will require extra staff for just the Christmas period. Applicants must have franking sense.

Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com


                                       

Sunday, 18 November 2018

The Brexit Gubbins....

                                                  


Barmy Albert’s grandson said his first word yesterday. He said: “Brexit”. Albert told him it’s the most important meal of the day.



Any carpenters looking for work? Theresa May’s cabinet is falling apart. Don’t forget folks, there are only six more Brexit ministers until Christmas!


                                     

Furthermore, I was offered a job on minimum wage on a zero hour contract. "Brilliant!" I sez, "When don't I start?”



Don’t get yourself all aeriated about global politics for a minute. All that you have to remember is that we are all related somehow. For instance: Charlie Sheen is American.  Michael Sheen is British and Mr Sheen is polish. Simples!

                                   


It’s only November and all the supermarkets are full of Yuletide gubbins, worse than that, Pancake Day isn’t until next February and all the shops shelves are laden with flour, eggs, milk and lemons! I’m having a Kinder egg for Easter. The one I had last year was nasty to me and called me horrible names.



Fascinating Fact: Over summer, I visited the Canary Islands and was amazed that there were no canaries there. Later on, I visited The Virgin Islands and you’ll never guess! There were no canaries there either! Fascinating!



I can't believe how rude the suppository helpline was! I won’t be contacting them again!


                                            

When I was a kid, we were so poor, me mama used to sit up all Christmas Eve, stitching a turkeys head on a kipper...



Call it a superpower, but I can tell certain people are judgmental just by looking at them.

                                                   


I awoke this morning not feeling well, with flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc. From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating condition is very serious. Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. Cheers!


                                               

The missus sez: “Ever since you got those walkie-talkies, you’ve been acting like a complete and utter moron”. I replied: “Acting like a complete what? - Over.”



You will always find me in the kitchen at parties. That is unless you've stashed the booze under the stairs. In which case, I’ll be under the stairs!
                                                



You're a work of art. Not everyone will understand you, but, the ones that do, will never forget about you. Moreover, when someone says, "You’re the last person on my list that I would want to hurt", there are two things to take into account: (A) They already have a list. (B) You are on it. You can visit my website though. Just click on: www.ComedianUK.com   Or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!


                         

Monday, 12 November 2018

What is going on?

                                          


Have you noticed all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Is Putin up to summat, or has that barmy bloke in North Korea fired some manner of missile that has caused poisonous flora and fauna to come cascading down the atmospherically tightly packed isobars and ridges of low pressure moving in from the arctic wastelands? Either way, Theresa May must grasp the nettle and send Boris round with a big brush!



My good lady wants me to take her to Las Vegas to see The Temptations for Christmas. I'm going to Primark to get her the four tops, instead. She sez I could get her anything from The Body Shop. So I got her a front nearside wing for a Ford Focus. No doubt it’ll be the wrong colour. Wives eh! How hard can it be to boil a slice of toast?


                                         

The missus lost her last job through having rheumatism of the shoulder and consequently couldn’t throw the harpoon any more. She’s managed to get a temporary job over the Christmastide period. She’s going gritting over Woodhead.



I was watching Peppa Pig yesterday morning and the wife casually sauntered in and turned off the telly. How childish is that?

                                                      


Cockney folk take note! Regarding ‘Knees Up Mother Brown’. Since time immemorial we northerners have been alarmed to witness your haranguing of an elderly woman. Not only do you insist that the hapless matriarch is obliged to position herself beneath fixtures and fittings, but you also see fit to threaten her with below hip amputation should she have to stoop to do so. Your unfeasible request is surely nigh on impossible to be acceded to whilst sustaining rigidity. Failure to address these shortcomings will result in my obligation to report you to Social Services for abuse. END OF RANT!



I have downloaded Fleetwood Mac voice onto my SatNav. It keeps saying, "You Can Go Your Own Way" wherever I am. So I'm constantly lost! I hear they’re launching a new Sat Nav specifically aimed at old-aged pensioners. When you get where you’re going, it reminds you what you went for. Fascinating!
                                       



I’ve decided to take up a hobby, in order to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day. Barmy Albert has strongly recommended Archery. I walked up to the desk in the leisure centre and asked where to go for the 'Archery for Beginners' class. "Just follow the arrows on the floor." he told me. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

                         


Last night, there was a bloke in my garden wearing a rugby shirt, golfing trousers, tennis shoes and goalkeeper’s gloves. I shouted "Oi! What's your flamin’game".

                                       


Warning: If you receive an email from a website selling tickets for the Spice Girls Reunion World Tour, do NOT click on the link. If you do, it takes you to a website selling tickets for the Spice Girls Reunion World Tour. So exercise extreme caution!



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                 

                            




Monday, 5 November 2018

The Genuine Emergency....

                                                  

I phoned Slimming World and sez: “It’s a genuine emergency, can you send somebody round?” They replied: “Of course, we have got loads of them!”

I’ve put on acres of weight over the summer, primarily because I’ve had a lot on my plate. I thought that I had an overactive knife and fork. I visited the doctor and asked him what I should do. He advised me: “Don’t eat anything fatty”. I sez: “Do you mean like kebabs, pizza, cheeseburgers or pies and chips?” He replied: “No. Don’t eat ANYTHING.... Fatty!”

                                               


In a murder trial, the defence barrister was cross-examining the coroner: "Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?" "No." "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?" "Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."



True or False: Kerry Katona doesn't actually own a cat?



The missus appears to have two major problems:

1) Nothing to wear.

2) No room for all of her clothes.

                                  


You know you live in a posh area when the kids throw quail eggs at your house. When it’s so posh that they eat fish and chips out of an attaché case and they have fruit when nobody is ill. Poor folk used to own horses and rich people had cars. Now it’s the other way round.



Maths made simple. If you have £100 and your missus has £50, then she has £150. I always keep a photo of the wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds why there’s no flamin’ money in there!


Jeremy Kyle show headline: "Did my mum try to drown me as a baby?" – No. You may not be used to it, but it's called a bath. You can tell who wears the tracksuit bottoms in that family!


                                 

Famous Quotes: "Hang on! Where's the triangle player disappeared to?" - Conductor of the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra.

A lorry carrying incontinence pants has shed it’s load on the M67 at Denton. Police are warning of delays due to rubber knickers. I’ll get me hat and coat...

The missus (or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) asked me if I would go to the local Co-op. She gave me strict instructions. She said, "Could you go and get one litre of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen” I dutifully returned with twelve litres of milk. She looked at me with much disdain, then ranted, "Why did you buy 12 cartons of milk?" With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied, "Coz they had eggs!"

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com