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Monday, 12 November 2018

What is going on?

                                          


Have you noticed all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Is Putin up to summat, or has that barmy bloke in North Korea fired some manner of missile that has caused poisonous flora and fauna to come cascading down the atmospherically tightly packed isobars and ridges of low pressure moving in from the arctic wastelands? Either way, Theresa May must grasp the nettle and send Boris round with a big brush!



My good lady wants me to take her to Las Vegas to see The Temptations for Christmas. I'm going to Primark to get her the four tops, instead. She sez I could get her anything from The Body Shop. So I got her a front nearside wing for a Ford Focus. No doubt it’ll be the wrong colour. Wives eh! How hard can it be to boil a slice of toast?


                                         

The missus lost her last job through having rheumatism of the shoulder and consequently couldn’t throw the harpoon any more. She’s managed to get a temporary job over the Christmastide period. She’s going gritting over Woodhead.



I was watching Peppa Pig yesterday morning and the wife casually sauntered in and turned off the telly. How childish is that?

                                                      


Cockney folk take note! Regarding ‘Knees Up Mother Brown’. Since time immemorial we northerners have been alarmed to witness your haranguing of an elderly woman. Not only do you insist that the hapless matriarch is obliged to position herself beneath fixtures and fittings, but you also see fit to threaten her with below hip amputation should she have to stoop to do so. Your unfeasible request is surely nigh on impossible to be acceded to whilst sustaining rigidity. Failure to address these shortcomings will result in my obligation to report you to Social Services for abuse. END OF RANT!



I have downloaded Fleetwood Mac voice onto my SatNav. It keeps saying, "You Can Go Your Own Way" wherever I am. So I'm constantly lost! I hear they’re launching a new Sat Nav specifically aimed at old-aged pensioners. When you get where you’re going, it reminds you what you went for. Fascinating!
                                       



I’ve decided to take up a hobby, in order to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day. Barmy Albert has strongly recommended Archery. I walked up to the desk in the leisure centre and asked where to go for the 'Archery for Beginners' class. "Just follow the arrows on the floor." he told me. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

                         


Last night, there was a bloke in my garden wearing a rugby shirt, golfing trousers, tennis shoes and goalkeeper’s gloves. I shouted "Oi! What's your flamin’game".

                                       


Warning: If you receive an email from a website selling tickets for the Spice Girls Reunion World Tour, do NOT click on the link. If you do, it takes you to a website selling tickets for the Spice Girls Reunion World Tour. So exercise extreme caution!



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                 

                            




Monday, 5 November 2018

The Genuine Emergency....

                                                  

I phoned Slimming World and sez: “It’s a genuine emergency, can you send somebody round?” They replied: “Of course, we have got loads of them!”

I’ve put on acres of weight over the summer, primarily because I’ve had a lot on my plate. I thought that I had an overactive knife and fork. I visited the doctor and asked him what I should do. He advised me: “Don’t eat anything fatty”. I sez: “Do you mean like kebabs, pizza, cheeseburgers or pies and chips?” He replied: “No. Don’t eat ANYTHING.... Fatty!”

                                               


In a murder trial, the defence barrister was cross-examining the coroner: "Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?" "No." "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?" "Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."



True or False: Kerry Katona doesn't actually own a cat?



The missus appears to have two major problems:

1) Nothing to wear.

2) No room for all of her clothes.

                                  


You know you live in a posh area when the kids throw quail eggs at your house. When it’s so posh that they eat fish and chips out of an attaché case and they have fruit when nobody is ill. Poor folk used to own horses and rich people had cars. Now it’s the other way round.



Maths made simple. If you have £100 and your missus has £50, then she has £150. I always keep a photo of the wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds why there’s no flamin’ money in there!


Jeremy Kyle show headline: "Did my mum try to drown me as a baby?" – No. You may not be used to it, but it's called a bath. You can tell who wears the tracksuit bottoms in that family!


                                 

Famous Quotes: "Hang on! Where's the triangle player disappeared to?" - Conductor of the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra.

A lorry carrying incontinence pants has shed it’s load on the M67 at Denton. Police are warning of delays due to rubber knickers. I’ll get me hat and coat...

The missus (or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) asked me if I would go to the local Co-op. She gave me strict instructions. She said, "Could you go and get one litre of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen” I dutifully returned with twelve litres of milk. She looked at me with much disdain, then ranted, "Why did you buy 12 cartons of milk?" With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied, "Coz they had eggs!"

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com