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Monday, 19 March 2018

The New Parent....


I could swear I drove past Jamie Carragher on the M5 yesterday. Well, if it wasn't him, it was his spitting image!


How to be a parent in 2018: Ensure that your children’s scholastic, impassioned, cerebral, intellectual, ethereal, somatic, and cordial requirements are met, while being careful not to over dynamise, underestimate, improperly medicate, helicopter, or neglect them in a screen free, processed foods free, plastic free, body positive, socially conscious, egalitarian, politically correct but also authoritative, nurturing, fostering of independence, gentle but not overly permissive, pesticide-free two-storey, multilingual home preferably in a cul-de-sac with a herb garden and 1.5 siblings spaced at least two years apart for proper development also don’t forget the lavender oil. How to be a parent in every generation before ours: Feed them sometimes....


Police investigating a £1 coin thrown at the directors box at a recent West Ham game have concluded that it was in fact, a takeover bid. Results: West Ham 1- Boiled Ham 2. Cowdenbeath 3 - Corned Beef 0. East Fife 5 - Forfor 4 (So far).


A blonde school teacher notices a little chubby boy in the playground standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. ‘You okay?’ she sez. ‘Fine’ he replies. ‘You can go and play with the other kids you know’ she advises. ‘It’s best I stay here.’ he retorts ‘Why?’ asks the teacher. The boy says: "Because I’m the fuckin’ goalkeeper!"

I once met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me, "Where the hell did you meet her? She's cross eyed, bald, bow legged and she's got no teeth." I said, "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf as well!"


What does it mean if you broke a mirror, whilst walking under a ladder with a horseshoe attached to a rabbits foot?

Riddle me this: Is there anything easier done than said? Answers on a coastguard please. Matron will choose a winner.


St Paddy's Day! Pat sez to Mick, "Where didya get that six-leaf clover?" Mick replies, "Our Seamus has thousands of 'em growing up in his loft, so he has!"

It's relatively easy to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while. Whereas, the other will see you later.


If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the semi-jolly Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! You can email me:


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