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Monday, 12 March 2018

The Sexist....


I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.

9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices ... my children are taken by social services
It's been snowing all night. So ....

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman

8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's
voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere

8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead

8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts

8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white..

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman to wear a burqa

8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended

8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role

8:43 The council equalities officer arrived and threatened me with eviction

8:45 TV news crew from the BBC shows up.
9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the St demanding for me to be beheaded

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live


Sunday, 11 March 2018

The Eureka Moment!


I’ve had a Eureka moment! Hey lads! Listen up! I’ve finally worked it out. The bestest way to get a woman to change her mind is to agree with her in the first place! You heard it here first folks!


Little Nellie (aged 9) was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mummy,” she said. “Can we go home now?” “No,” her mother replied. “Well, I think I have to throw up!” “Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.” In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. “Did you throw up?” her mother asked. “Yes,” the little girl replied. “Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?” “I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mum.” the little girl replied. “They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the sick’.”


I asked the missus to describe me in five words. She sez I'm moral, I'm mature, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she also added that I possess a fundamental lack of understanding with regard to apostrophes and spaces. Hmmmm. Fascinating innit?


Just read an article in the newspaper about the first three minutes when you are born. They reckon that this is the most dangerous time in anyone's life. The last three minutes can't be all that clever either....

I saw a spiritualist medium last week. She told me that a huge amount of cash was coming my way. The very next day, I got knocked over by a Securicor van. Spooky or what?


I visited my doctor for my annual medical check-up. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I'm nearly sixty.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke Cuban cigars, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?" "Oh no," I replied. 'I'm virtually teetotal and have never smoked".  Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "Not much... they reckon that all red meat is very unhealthy" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or fishing?" "No, I don't," I replied. He asked, "Do you gamble on horses, drive fast cars, or have lots of different sexual partners?" "Definitely not!”I sez.. He looked at me and declared: "Then, why do you give a fuck?"


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Sunday, 4 March 2018

The Bird Expert....


Non-Stick Nora told Barmy Albert that his jeans originated in Africa, many millions of years ago...Well he looked at the label when she left and it turns out they came from Taiwan in 2017. Fascinating!

"Waiter, this soup is cold!" "Actually sir, it's gazpacho." "Gazpacho - this soup is cold!"

I attended a memorabilia auction with Barmy Albert. I bought a hand signed Ronnie Corbett photograph and he bought a genuine autograph of Ronnie Barker. So it’s good buy from me and good buy from him! Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

A Vegan once told me that butchers who sell meat are disgraceful. I sez: “People who sell fruit and veg are grocer!”

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a morbid fear of thinking that there was a ‘bogey-man’ under my bed at night. So I went to see a psychiatrist to seek learned counselling on this underlying issue. I told him: “I've got severe problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm frightened and I think I'm going bananas.” “Just put your good self in my hands for twelve months,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to rid you of those fears...” “How much do you charge?” “£80 plus VAT per appointment,” replied the doctor. “I'll sleep on it,” I said. Six months later, I bumped into the doctor on the High Street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked. “Well, at eighty quid plus VAT per visit, multiplied by three times a week, for a whole year is an awful lot of moolah! The barman at Wetherspoons cured me for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and bought myself a new Land Rover Discovery!” “Is that right!” With a bit of an attitude, he replied, “And how, may I ask, did a mere barperson cure you?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't anybody under there now!”

Due to the inclement weather, schools are asking mums to wear two pairs of pyjamas when picking kids up. Such is life...


I’ve had a Eureka moment! Hey lads! Listen up! I’ve finally worked it out. The bestest way to get a woman to change her mind is to agree with her in the first place! You heard it here first folks!

When it comes to mucking up everyday sayings, I've been that, done there, got the tea bag....

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