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Saturday, 31 August 2013

What a winker...



A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry ... we can’t hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed.. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Friday, 30 August 2013

'Winter Fuel’ payment.





Older taxpayers received 'Winter Fuel’ payments. This is indeed a very exciting programme and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:



Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to old taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka

* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs

* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala

* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea

* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Bangladesh

* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:


1. Spending it at car boot sales

2. Going to night clubs

3. Spending it on prostitutes
4. Buying beer or whisky

5. Getting yourself a tattoo

6. Visiting a bookie

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help.






Wednesday, 28 August 2013

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - By Pam Ayres..



FIFTY SHADES OF GREY SHEET MUSIC


The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey



Scarf Face....

Are You unnoticed? Get a new scarf. Do you sit unnoticed on the sidelines while others are picked? Try the latest scarf fashion and you too can be the centre of attention......


I spotted ths gawjus bird in Wetherspoons last night and I went up to her and told her that I would love to get into her knickers. She gazed ait me and sez, "No thanks dude, I have one arsehole in there already!

The missus triumphantly announced this morning: "Look at this. I've had it for over ten years and it still fits me!" I sez, "It's a scarf, ffs!"

The attractive air stewardess came up to me and sez, "would you like some headphones?" I replied, "yes please. But how did you know my name was phones?"

Norwegian bloke on holiday in North Wales and his hire car breaks down, so he phones the AA. The AA mechanic sez, "it looks like you've blown a seal." The Norwegian fella replies, "So what! You lot shag sheep!"

A delivery guy just turned up with a roll of bubble wrap. "Where do ya want this, mate?" He shouted. "Just pop it in the corner." I sez. He's been there for over two hours now!

The missus is adamant! She has told me in no uncertain terms that if she catches me surfing any more porn sites on the PC, she's gonna bang my head on the keyboardfftgbbbmkiugrewcvmkiugfddmkkjyrfm. ThggggfvmgewwwfbmSDFGHytrerdgkm)(tgsd345^&*09kRCASM,\AHJHdfghjETYJghksk07gh>
I told her straight: "I may not be wealthy, I have no money or yacht, I have no villa, or a Bentley Turbo,
or a massive property portfolio like my mate Dave, but I love you and I absolutely adore you."  She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear ...
"If you really loved me, you'd introduce me to Dave"

I got an ADHD Television. I can't watch it for very long....

Life is fickle: One day you're a nobody, then the next day, you still are.

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer fa├žade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!

Five Parrot Joke....


Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and Twitter and arrange to meet for lunch.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft
apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal .

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her
boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco, they live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent .

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.




Thursday, 22 August 2013

Seminar for Wimmin innit!


There was a group of women at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husbands?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember. The women were then told to take their phones and send the following text: "I love you, sweetheart." Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages. Here are some of the replies:


1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??

Sunday, 11 August 2013

Carnival Sunshine ~ 14th - 22nd August 2013.

Fly to Sicily on Wednesday to join Carnival Sunshine in the Punchliner Comedy Club for Mediterranean cruise. Barcelona,Marseilles, Livorno,Florence/Pisa), Civitavecchia, Naples, Messina, Dubrovnik, Venice. Lots of muggings in Venice. Not safe to swim the streets anymore!!






Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Celebrity X Eclipse....



Joined this magnificent vessel in Copenhagen last Wednesday, (I reckon that whoever invented the word Wednesday also came up with February!) and was immediately besotted with this fine ship.  I did three 11-30pm late night gigs in the Comedy Central Club and received a standing ovation each night.  Although I was allowed to do the same act each night, I tried out some new material that I had been working on and ended up performing 3 x 1 hour shows!  Many thanks to Jennifer (Production Manager) and Ian (Cruise Director) for all their help and advice.  Click on link below for a virtual tour.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52KKu6V3v8A

Crazeridden!



The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened ?" she asks anxiously

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. " I told you there must be a simple explanation ..... she didn't receive your E-mail!"

Monday, 5 August 2013

Don Alfonso's Tweezers....




How embarrasing! I was actually refused service last night on the grounds that I'd already had too much.
It's bad enough when it happens in the pub, but this was at the Chinese chippy on Scropton Street.

It must be awful if you worked at the Job Centre. Imagine, if you got the sack, you'd still have to show up the following day!

Aliens landed in Gorton and said to this bloke:"Take me to your dealer." The fella sez, "Don't you mean leader?" The alien replied, "We're in Gorton, I know what I mean!"

I called round to my next-door neighbour earlier on and sez, "Will you have my children? I'll only be a few minutes, I promise." "Of course I can," she replied. I sez, "That's brilliant! Get your kecks off then."

Decided to go trainspotting last weekend. It's a doddle! They are f***ing massive and make a load of noise..

I was really squashed up next to a young blonde woman on the train from
Manchester this morning. She sez to me that I was 'Creepily close'.
Well, if there had been someone else in the carriage, I'd have asked for their opinion. But there wasn't. So I couldn't...

When the surgeon went through my records, he advised me: "This procedure has certain risks. Although you'll certainly regain the sight in your eyes, there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection." I said, "Why's that then?" He sez, "Your missus is a right ugly f***er"

My mates fruit and veg shop has just gone into liquidation. He makes smoothies now.

Did you know that I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.

Statistics prove that one in every three women is just as difficult and argumentative as the other two...

Whilst walking the dogs round the reservoirs this morning, I heard a bloke in the water furiously splashing about and screaming, "I can't swim, I can't swim!" I pointed to a sign and shouted, "Don't worry mate, It sez here 'No Swimming Allowed'."

I cleared out my grandmothers house today, I put the good stuff on E-Bay and I took the rest down to the charity shop, I then went to the estate agent and put her house on the market, I can’t wait to see her face when she gets back from Bingo.

The point of living and of being an optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come. - Peter Ustinov.

I was observing a group of women talking at the bar in Wetherspoons last night, so I strolled over and shouted, "He really is such a f***ing arsehole." Suddenly I was part of the group!

I've discovered summat the wife's arse looks really good in. The fucking distance....

I was in a bar with my mate Dave last night, when we noticed a group of girls sat in the corner.
So without any hesitation at all, we started dancing near them. After about 10 minutes I wiped the sweat off my forehead and said, "Dave, I don't think this is working." "Me neither," he replied breathlessly, "Perhaps we could do with some music."

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com