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Thursday, 25 July 2013

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk ..




Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk ..

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation


Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk . .

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk ...

a) Thanks for the offer, but I don't want to come back to your place.
b) Nope, no more beer for me, I've had enough.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination.
I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
k) Look, it would be great to sleep with you but I hardly know you.
l) That guy is looking at my wife but I am sure its just because he knows her or something. I'm not going to worry about it.
m) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I fell off.
n) I must get to my bed as I could never have a really good sleep in that hedge / pavement / skip.
o) I really believe in staying sober
p) I honestly don't think the rest of the city centre wants to see my bare arse.
q) No..you are not my bestest mate in the whole world. I've only known you for a few hours.
r) I'm sure those young women are extremely intelligent and have wonderful personalities.
s) Im sure my feet would be damaged for life if I take my shoes off and walk all the way home.
t) A cocktail followed by 4 tequilas ....surely that would be no good for my insides.
u) Me? go for a pee in the mens toilet because the ladies queue is too long? I don't think so.
v) I`ll just have a big glass of water before I go to bed so I don't have a hangover in the morning.
w) Of course I'm happy to pay the boundary charge, driver.
x) There goes last orders, just make mine's a coke.
y) Flipping heck.
z) Chip shop ? No thanks, I'm on a low fat diet.





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Tuesday, 23 July 2013

So this is what Weight-Watchers is really all about???




A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss programme.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
... She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.


He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound programme.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound programme.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous programme."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular black guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"


He lost 63 pounds that week !!!

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Carnival Legend ~ Punchliner Comedy Club 18th July 2013



Fancy one up the Baltics missus? Tomorrow, I fly to Hamburg, then a short hop to Warnemunde to join the magnificent vessel that is Carnival Legend. 

I'll be Performing in the Punchliner Comedy Club, with George Lopez. The ship will be visiting Helsinki, St. Petersburg and Tallin, Estonia. 

Pip Pip! Back in middle of next week innit!

Saturday, 13 July 2013

Manchester Gubbins....



I whistled at them, they didn't come , I threw them a stick, they ignored it , I shouted 'roll over', 'din-dins' 'heel'. Nothing. I told them to sit up and beg , no response was the answer. As far as I'm concerned all that means is that I can definitely get another day out of these boxer shorts....

I was at the Manchester Art Gallery with my crazeridden neighbour Barmy Albert and we saw a portrait of a geezer who had fuzzy hair and bore the legend 'Garfunkel' on a brass plate underneath. Barmy Albert said, "It's okay, but is it Art?"

This morning, I contacted the Manchester Royal Infirmary to let them know that if my wife's condition should deteriorate, I give my permission for them to switch off the life support machine. They curtly informed me that it ain't an option for a sprained ankle....


This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.  He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.  "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.  And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and  get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."  She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice on the radio....  "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ...."

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.  But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."  "No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

The missus went out on her mate's hen party last night. There were strippers, huge amounts of alcohol and plenty of sex going on.  Now it's time to tidy this place up, she'll be home soon.

I met a fella call Bob last night in the pub.  "So tell me, what's Bob short for?" I sez.
"It's short for Robert" he replied.  "No mate," I said," I meant are you a dwarf or summat?"

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com









Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Winky~Wanky~Woo....


If you had a wig made out of pubic hair, would you call it a clout round the head?


If you are blind, when you die, do you just think you have gone deaf?


Ben decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sally felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Ben that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.   He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Ben felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.

Ben looked Sally in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.   She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.  Sandy and Ben got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Ben whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.  As Sally put her hands in Ben's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Ben ran after her to find out what was wrong.  She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'   'Yes, it is ... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.'


 A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that day. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son!" The robot slaps the mother!   P.S. Robot For Sale


It was darts and dominoes night last Tuesday at my local pub, The Pit Bull and Stanley Knife. My neighbour Barmy Albert and I are in the team. However, the missus (I call her ‘Babe’ – you’ve seen the film) had other ideas, she fancied a quiet night in and despatched me to the local Indian restaurant for a take-away curry. As I was leaving the house, she shouted “Would you like me to slip into something different when you get back?” “Yes” I muttered, “How about a coma.”

I went to pick up the car from the garage and the mechanic sez “I couldn’t fix the brakes, so I made the horn louder.”

Aristotle always maintained that it was the mark of an instructed mind to rest satisfied with the degree of precision which the nature of the subject admits and not to seek exactness when only an approximation of the truth is possible. I wholeheartedly agree. So visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com then assume a comical position and strike the pose!