Saturday, 28 August 2010
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk ..
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk . .
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
Things that are COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk ...
a) Thanks for the offer, but I don't want to come back to your place.
b) Nope, no more beer for me, I've had enough.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination.
I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
k) Look, it would be great to sleep with you but I hardly know you.
l) That guy is looking at my wife but I am sure its just because he knows her or something. I'm not going to worry about it.
m) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I fell off.
n) I must get to my bed as I could never have a really good sleep in that hedge / pavement / skip.
o) I really believe in staying sober
p) I honestly don't think the rest of the city centre wants to see my bare arse.
q) No..you are not my bestest mate in the whole world. I've only known you for a few hours.
r) I'm sure those young women are extremely intelligent and have wonderful personalities.
s) Im sure my feet would be damaged for life if I take my shoes off and walk all the way home.
t) A cocktail followed by 4 tequilas ....surely that would be no good for my insides.
u) Me? go for a pee in the mens toilet because the ladies queue is too long? I don't think so.
v) I`ll just have a big glass of water before I go to bed so I don't have a hangover in the morning.
w) Of course I'm happy to pay the boundary charge, driver.
x) There goes last orders, just make mine's a coke.
y) Flipping heck.
z) Chip shop ? No thanks, I'm on a low fat diet.
As Ive never been bladdered I wouldnt know would I?!?
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Monday, 23 August 2010
Sunday, 22 August 2010
10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an
erection, fetch donner kebab & beer.
7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Give a fish man
and it'll feed him for a month (or 2)
6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the
5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.
4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial
tax cut saves you 50p?
2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and People take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions
of cars in Britain. But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands
of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put
the DVLA in charge of immigration...
"Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa's computer. Amen.
Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?
Well here it is:
A friend, who worked away from home all week,
always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.
Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter
out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
'Oh yes, Granddad' the girl replied, 'and do you know what?
We didn't see a single arsehole, blind bastard, dip shit or wanker anywhere we went today!'
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error".
I didn't want to appear stupid, but had to ask, "What's that... just in case I need to fix it again".
Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No" I replied, getting rather annoyed.
"Write it down" he said "....you'll figure it out".
So I wrote down:
I used to like Eric, the little bastard
A husband and wife are shopping in Tesco.
The husband picks up a case of Stella and puts it in their shopping trolley.
"What do you think you're doing? " asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans " he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them." demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It 's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful " replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the price."
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25 please, we have a husband down.'
Saturday, 21 August 2010
Friday, 20 August 2010
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if
anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and
shouts at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord."
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the blind
impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a
difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole
place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts, "No, no, play a jazz chord,
play a jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is,
dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat
minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with
this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage,
"OK, smart arse. You get up here and do it !"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
starts to sing . . .
"A JAZZ CHORD TO SAY I RUV YOU . . . A JAZZ CHORD TO SAY I CARE . . ."
Little Tommy and Jenny are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Tommy goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Tommy bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr Grabknuckle, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr Grabknuckle replies, "Well Tommy, both of you are only 12. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Likkle Tommy replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Grabknuckle says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Tommy instantly replies, "Our pocket money innit! Jenny gets five quid a week and I make 10 quid a week, with my paper round." "That's about £60 a month and that should do us just fine."
Mr. Grabknuckle is impressed Tommy has put so much thought into this. "Well Tommy, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Tommy just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been very lucky so far."
Mr Grabknuckle no longer thinks the little get is adorable..
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
A drunk man who smelled strongly of whiskey sat down on a bench in a subway station, next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of Jim Beam was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have
you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
Never assume you Know Where someone has been, What that person has done or What they are thinking.