Happy 2025 folks! Everyone’s trying to lose weight! Over the festered season, I have developed flabby thighs, but I am lucky because my stomach covers them. Some friends in my local pub, ‘The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife’ have joined a weight-loss organisation. At this week’s meeting, the instructor held up an apple and a chocolate bar. “What are the attributes of this apple,” she asked, “and how do they relate to our diet?” “Low in calories” and “lots of fibre” was among the ensuing answers. She then proceeded to detail what was exactly wrong with eating chocolate and concluded thus, “Apples are not only more healthy, but also less expensive. Are you aware that I paid 80p for this bar of chocolate?” They all stared, as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, “I’ll give you five quid for it!”
If there’s a future scandal involving Elon Musk, it probably would be called Elongate, which means it could go on forever ffs!Biden is giving a eulogy at Carters funeral today. Is it worth it him going back home? He seems to have early onset rigor mortis.
Two Gorton lads were walking down Hyde Road, when a car pulled up and this fella wound the window down and sez: “ Discúlpeme! Habla usted español?” One of the boys shrugged and replies, “Sorry, no we don’t.” The geezer then asked, “Parlez vous Francais?” The lads replied ”No, we don’t mate.” The man in the car was getting quite frustrated and opined “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” The Gorton boys advised him that they couldn’t speak whatever that language was either, which prompted the guy to drive off in a huff. One of the lads then said, “After that embarrassing carry on, I really wish I’d have taken the trouble to learn another language.” To which his mate replied, “Well, it didn’t do him much good, did it!”
Thought for Thursday: Anger and frustration are the only two emotions that allow your gob to accelerate and overtake your brainbox.
Now that the weather has become a tad inclement, I have noticed that everyone up Scropton Street back snicket wears woolly jumpers that are at least one size too small, including me. However, we are a tight knit community!
The wife has been missing for well over a week now and the police called round last night and told me to expect the worst. So, this morning, I’ve had to go to the charity shop and get all her clothes back…
My New Year Wish: All I ask is one chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
New Year Resolution: I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and goes back to her mother.
Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? http://www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
