A Proper Yorkshire Tale....

                                                

When Barmy Albert got home early from work, his attractive, voluptuous and single neighbour also arrived home at the exact same time. Albert was most surprised when she walked across the street and knocked on his door. He opened the door and she gazed at him in a seductive manner and announced: “I’ve just got home and I possess an irresistible urge to have a good time, get drunk and have tons of fun tonight. What are you doing later on?” Albert swiftly replied: “Nothing whatsoever. I’m free!” She replied: “Fantastic!” “Can you mind my dog?”

A Proper Yorkshire Tale: When Daley Thompson, Tessa Sanderson and Steve Cram are all round at Seb Coe's house for a fish and chip supper, the duties were equally shared. Steve brought the fish, Tessa fetched the chips, Daley brought the mushy peas and Seb provided the condiments of salt and vinegar and the crowning glory was a pot of steaming Yorkshire Tea. As they were all just about to tuck in, there was a ring of the smart doorbell camera, so Seb has a shufty to see who it is. "Who is it?", asks everyone in unison. Seb replies: "It's Fatima wit' bread!"

Due to the NHS being strapped for cash, coupled with the rising costs of medical testing, a new formula has been announced by the government. All you have to do (in the privacy of your back garden) is wee under a tree. If ants gather, then you probably have diabetes. If the grass dries up, then you’re putting too much salt on your chips, so you should cut right down. If you can detect the odour of fried food, then you have high cholesterol. Furthermore, if you forget to pull up your undercrackers, then your memory is going. After conducting this test, my doctor has prescribed some tablets for my memory loss. I have to take two tablets, three times per day. Or is it three tablets, twice a day? The doctor also recommended that if I’m getting down on the floor, then I should ensure that I have a bona-fide plan to get back up again….

Fascinating Fact; Isn’t it quite amazing that the French are aware of the location of where two of our fishing boats are working, but fail to spot five hundred overladen dinghies per month sailing across the channel.

Knock-Knock - Who’s there? – Ahhhhhhh - Ahhhhhhhh who? - Werewolf in London!

                         

  



Non- Stick Nora read the book The Exorcist and told Barmy Albert that it was the most evil book that she had ever had the gross misfortune to read and that it was so malicious that she couldn’t bear to finish it. The very same weekend, she visited Blackpool Illuminations and went to the end of the South Pier and hurled the book as far as she could into the sea! On Monday, in a moment of mischief and malevolence, Barmy Albert purchased another copy of the book, ran it under the tap, until it was thoroughly saturated and placed it in the kitchenette drawer for her to find.



The missus asked me: “Is it just me, or is the dog getting fat?” It was a massive mistake replying; “No. It’s just you!” That’s when the fight started!



My grandad always said to me: “Don't watch your money; watch your health.” So, one day while I was watching my health, someone stole all my money. Yes, you’ve guessed it! It was my grandad!" Sadly, he died on his 90th birthday. We only got up to sixty-two on the bumps! We used to call him Spider Man. Not because he was agile. He just couldn’t get out of the bath!



I went to see a faith healer at the Scropton Street Community Hub. He was so bad, this bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out!



Thought for Thursday: It becomes evident that you've put on a lot of weight, when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises!



Surreal Joke of the Century: A male frog goes to see a clairvoyant. The psychic tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog becomes ecstatic, "This is absolutely fantastic! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."

                                     





I couldn't make it to my local hostelry, the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub quiz night last week. I wasn't feeling too clever. I was also making every endeavour to avoid Sid, the landlord. He had asked me to re-turf a huge field at the rear of the pub, in order that they could carry out a civil war battle re-enactment. I thought “Sod that for a game of soldiers!" Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!





Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution. Whether we drink a bottle of £500 or £5 wine- the hangover is the same. I tried cooking with wine too. After six glasses in the kitchenette, I forgot what I had gone in there for! Laughter is the best medicine! So, visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and assume a comical position and strike da pose! You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work Fishface!

                                              

The spider that giggled....

 

                                   

Barmy Albert woke up in a cold sweat, terrified that he was late for work. Then he realised that he was already at work! Albert was in a bit of a kerfuffle, because earlier in the day, he was caught speeding down the M67, feeling quite secure in a gaggle of cars that were all travelling at the same speed. However, as they all passed a police Land Rover, a copper with an infra-red speed gun clocked him and pulled him over onto the hard shoulder. The efficient policeman handed Albert a ticket and he was about to walk away, when Albert protested and opined: “Officer, I know that I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair, because there were lots of other cars around me that were going just as fast, so why did I alone receive a ticket?” the copper replied: “Did you ever go a-fishing?” Albert answered: “Yes, I have. On many occasions.” The policeman grinned and sez: “Did you ever catch ‘em all?”

In days of yore, my mother used to work in the local haberdashery on the High Street, whereas, my auntie Agnes was in charge of the herbalist and wholefood shop. A far cry from the town centres of today that merely consist of six vape outlets, ten Turkish barbers, seven places to repair your phone screen, three tattoo and piercing parlours, five takeaway kebab emporiums and two coffee shops. Not forgetting a Ladbrokes. Moreover, I fondly recollect when banks used to close at 3pm. Now they are closed permanently. Where did it all go doo-lally?

BREAKING NEWS: A British man was attacked by a shark, whilst honeymooning in Australia. Newspaper reports advise that he didn’t suffer for too long, primarily because he’d only been married for four days. I heard on the grapevine that the best way to defend yourself from a shark attack is by poking the shark in the eyes. However, I reckon that I have a much better strategy and that is staying in Glossop.

                                        

A scouser sauntered into the Job Centre and asked if any jobs were available. The manager behind the desk told him that his timing was immaculate! He sez: “We have just got a job in from a very wealthy local businessman who requires a chauffeur cum bodyguard for his two daughters. You’ll have to drive around in a big Range Rover Evoque and wear the uniform that’s provided. The hours are short and meals are provided. You will also have to escort the young ladies on their many overseas holidays, mainly to the Caribbean or Seychelles. The salary package is £100k per annum!” The scouser gasped and replied: “You’re kidding me!” The manager sez: “Well, you started it!”

Fascinating Fact: I’ve found that if you tuck one part of your trouser leg into your sock, then folk expect a lot less of you.

Remember back in the time when our parents would send us to school with no water bottle, no mobile phone and no snacks, but somehow, we would survive until the end of the day.

I was walking past a local farmyard and I spotted a sign that bore the legend: Duck, eggs. I was just thinking that it was an unnecessary comma and then it hit me!

TOP TIP: Always read the instructions on funeral invitations very carefully and don't make the terrible mistake that I made. The words 'sombre' and 'sombrero' look very similar. Apologies once again.

Quote of the week: Such is life and life is such and after all it isn’t much. First a cradle, then a hearse. It might have been better, but it could have been worse. Norman Wisdom.

                                         

  

I’m very good in the bedroom department. Fifteen years I worked for Ikea. Thirty years ago, I’d think that I was great in bed. Nowadays, I think: “Great, I‘m in bed!” Of course, I fondly recollect when I could lie in bed in one position for hours. Nowadays, I have to spin around like a rotisserie chicken every fifteen minutes or my hip hurts.

I’d like to thank everyone who took part in Sober October. It was much easier to get to the bar.

Doncha just hate it when you’re in the kitchenette, singing along to a song on the radio and the artist gets all the lyrics wrong? Did Madonna really sing: “Last night, I dreamt of some bagels” or was it a fig leaf of my imagination?

I often wonder if spiders giggle while running away from us. Last weekend, I caught a huge spider as it scuttered across the hearth rug. The missus sez: “Don’t kill it. Take it out.” I took it to Wetherspoons. She was a nice spider. It turns out that her name is Simone and she wants to become a web designer. Who’d a thowt it!

Meanwhile, up Scropton Street back snicket in The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub. Non-Stick Nora sez to Barmy Albert: “See that crazy bloke over there, who’s paralytic drunk and making an utter fool of himself?” Albert retorted: “Who the devil is he?” Nora replied: “Well, ten years ago, he was my boyfriend and I turned him down when he asked me to marry him!” Albert was totally gobsmacked and sez: “Gee-Whizz! I see that he’s still celebrating his freedom!” That’s when the fight started!