Gadzooks! Exercise you guffaw glands!

 

                                             

Gadzooks! In this appalling weather, I think that you should always check on the elderly and ensure that they’re in fine fettle. I’m normally up by 8-30 am. Bring me a McDonalds Breakfast bap and a large coffee. Aythengu!

When Barmy Albert had his training as an airline pilot, he sat in the cockpit and looked down nervously and asked: “What are all these buttons for?” The pilot replied; “They’re used to fasten your shirt up properly….”

Fascinating Factoid: Being twenty in the 70’s was much more fun that being seventy in the 20’s.

Due to the awful weather conditions, l visited my octogenarian neighbour Elsie Grabknuckle to ask if she needed anything from the local supermarket. It turned out she did, so l gave her my shopping list as well. There’s no point in both of us walking out on the icy pavements.

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of Rachel Reeves' recent budget announcement. A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Interflora is pruning its business and Dyno-rod has gone down the drain.

                               

   

R.I.P. My mate Dave who told his missus that he was just popping out for some sewing thread, but spent the full day down Wetherspoons! Gone, but not for cotton. Isn’t life bobbins. Will Dave’s wife ever forgive his selfish behaviour? Frayed knot!

Non-Stick Nora was attending a first aid course and the instructor asked her: “What would you do if Barmy Albert accidentally swallowed your front door key?” She thought for a minute and replied: “I’d climb in through the kitchenette window...”

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" I sez. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder." I stepped back and replied: "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?"
                                        

I heard about a man and a woman, who had never met before, and were both married to other people and found themselves assigned to the same sleeping car on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing the space, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1 AM, the bloke leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married." "Wow! That’s a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Then get your own blanket!"



Royal Mail are recruiting extra staff for just the Christmas period. Applicants must have franking sense.



I received a very sad letter this morning, it was written on an onion. The author was an elderly gentleman who resides in my parish, he has suffered serious hearing problems for a number of years. He was stone deaf. Then after a visit to his GP, was fitted with a revolutionary new hearing aid that allowed the old fella to hear one hundred percent. The old wag went back in a month to see the doctor. The quack pronounced, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear everything again.” To which the octogenarian geezer replied, “Oh, I haven’t told the family yet. I just sit around and listen to all the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times already this week!”




Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

                                            

A lesson for us all....

                                         

A mouse, looking through a hole in the wall, sees the farmer and his wife open a package. He was terrified to see that it was a mousetrap. He ran to the patio to warn everyone.
-"There is a mousetrap at home!".

The chicken that was cackling and digging says: "excuse me, Mr. Mouse, I understand that it is a big problem for you, but it does not hurt me at all."

So, the rodent went to the lamb and he says the same thing: "Excuse me Mr. Mouse, but I don't think I can do more than ask for you in my prayers."

The mouse went to the cow and she said: "But am I in danger? I think not!" said the cow.

The mouse returned to the house, worried and dejected to face the farmer's mousetrap.

That night a great noise was heard like that of the mousetrap catching its victim, the woman ran to see what she had caught.

In the dark she did not see that the mousetrap caught the tail of a poisonous snake.

The speedy snake bit the woman, the farmer immediately took her to the hospital, she came back with a high fever.

The farmer to comfort her prepared a nutritious soup, grabbed the knife and went to find the main ingredient: the chicken; Since the woman did not get better, friends and neighbors went to visit them, the farmer killed the lamb to feed them, the woman did not get better and died.

And in the end, the husband sold the cow to the slaughterhouse to cover the funeral expenses.

The next time someone tells you about their problem and you think that it doesn't affect you because it's not yours and you don't pay attention to it, think twice, “he who doesn't live to serve, doesn't serve to live”.

The world is not going badly because of the wickedness of the bad, but because of the apathy of the good.

So when someone needs you for their problems, give them your hand or give them a word of encouragement.

May you never lack empathy!

Remember it very well, EMPATHY.

The Heffers Derriere Farrago....

                                           

What with the impromptu snowfall and minus temperatures, it was so icy last week that as I was filling the car up at the petrol station, I slipped over and no matter how hard I tried, I was unable to get back on my feet.  This woman sauntered over to me and exclaimed: “Oh dear!  Have you slipped on the ice?”  With all the dignity that I could muster, I curtly informed her: “No, I haven’t slipped on the ice.  I’m trying to break a bar of toffee in my back pocket….”

 

Barmy Albert sauntered into B & Q and asked the bloke in the orange apron: “I need to buy some nails.”  The bloke sez: “Do you want round-heads or oval-heads?”  Albert replied: “Round-heads.”  The bloke asked: “How long do you want them?”  Albert thought for a moment and sez: “I want to keep them….”  He was so confused that ended up at the checkout with a tube of ‘No More Nails’ and a hammer!

The times they are a-changing!  I overheard three boy scouts talking. First one sez, “They’re bringing back ‘Bob A Job’ Week.” The second scout replies, “What’s a bob?” The third one asks, “What’s a job?”

                                  

The boss wondered why Tommy Grabknuckle, one of his most valued employees was absent one day but had not phoned in sick. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main contractors resolved, he dialled Tommy’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper: “Hello.”  ”Is your daddy home?” he asked. “Yes.” whispered the small voice.  “May I talk with him?”  The child whispered: “Sorry, but no.” Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked: “Is your Mummy there?”  “Yes, she is.”  “May I speak with her?”  Yet again, the small voice whispered, “No.” Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”   “Yes.” whispered the child: “A policeman.”  Wondering what a copper would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss enquired: “May I speak with the policeman, then?”  “No, he’s really busy.”  whispered the child.  “Busy doing what?”   “He’s talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman.” came the whispered answer.  Growing more worried and concerned, as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that loud noise?”   “A helicopter.” answered the whispering voice.  “What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered: “The search team just landed a helicopter!” Alarmed and in a panic, apart from being totally frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”   Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…   “Me!”

That’s kids for you though, isn’t it! Non-Stick Nora’s five-year old grandkid walked into the kitchenette one Sunday morning while Nora was reading the paper. "Nana, where does poo come from?" she enquired. Feeling a little perturbed that her five-year old grandkid is already asking difficult questions, Nora thought for a moment and replied: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?" "Yes," answered the child. " Well, the food we eat goes into our tummies and our bodies break down the food with strong acid, then we take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over is disposed of when we go to the toilet and that is poo." The kid looked shocked and stared at nana Nora with watery eyes in a stunned silence, her bottom lip quivering, then she asked: "And Tigger?"

This bloke staggered into Tameside Hospital Accident and Emergency Dept with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.  Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"   "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with the missus, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking round I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the heffers derrriere."  Still holding the cow’s tail up, I shouted to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"    "I don’t remember much after that…"

Still on the subject of kids, a teacher observed a boy entering the classroom with dirty hands. She stopped him and said, "Kevin, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?" With a smile the boy replied: "I think I’d be too polite to mention it."

 

 You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you fail to take, and statistically speaking, 99% of the shots you do take. On that basis, is a leading authority anyone who has guessed right more than once? So where does this leave Kier Starmer? If he listened to himself more often, he would talk less.

 

There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad and focus on the good.  So love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living. Visit my website for more jocular gubbins.  Just click on www.ComedianUK.com and scroll to my hilarious Jokey-Bloggington.  Now, get back to work!

                                                

Welby does The Lambeth Walk....

                                

Last week, The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby performed The Lambeth Walk and quite rightfully resigned from his post, on the very same day as Gary Lineker announced that he is stepping down from presenting Match of the Day after 25 years.  Unfortunately, Kier Starmer let me down for a treble!

 

I remember my teacher saying to me: “You don't really do chronology or geography, do you?” I replied: “Well, I do. But there's a time and a place for everything.”  I got detention for that remark.

 

A lorry carrying incontinence pants has shed its load on the M67. Police are warning of severe delays due to rubber knickers.

 

Well, I’m flabbergasted! Apparently, it is rude to ask the parents of a child on a leash, if it was a rescue!  Who’d a thowt it!

 

Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle was very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, sauntered into The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub on singles night. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.  Tommy walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and asks: "So tell me, do I come here often?"

                                   

There was a spotty precocious youth sat on the back pew in the church at a funeral. He was talking into his iPhone, bemoaning the fact that “funerals were boring” and “there's no flamin’ Wi Fi in this church.” when the priest approached him and proclaimed: "You are an ignorant imbecile, show some respect!"  The scrote gazed at the priest and asked: "Is that all lower case, mate?"

 

I have downloaded Fleetwood Mac song onto my SatNav. It keeps saying, "You Can Go Your Own Way" wherever I am. So, I'm constantly lost!

 

I’ve decided to take up a hobby, in order to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day. Barmy Albert has strongly recommended Archery. I walked up to the desk in the leisure centre and asked where to go for the 'Archery for Beginners' class. "Just follow the arrows on the floor." he told me. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

 

Next-door neighbour Barmy Albert has been suffering with the old frozen shoulder and jogger’s epiglottis syndrome once again.  He was told to report to the local hospital reception and contact Mrs. Hay.  Imagine his surprise when he went to the local hospital and contracted MRSA!

 

 

Cockney folk take note! Regarding ‘Knees Up Mother Brown’. Since time immemorial we northerners have been alarmed to witness your haranguing of an elderly woman. Not only do you insist that the hapless matriarch is obliged to position herself beneath fixtures and fittings, but you also see fit to threaten her with below hip amputation should she have to stoop to do so. Your unfeasible request is surely nigh on impossible to be acceded to whilst sustaining rigidity. Failure to address these shortcomings will result in my obligation to report you to Social Services for abuse.

 

 

In life, there are only two things to worry about: whether you are in fine fettle or whether you are poorly sick. If you're fit, fine wonderful & well, then there's nowt whatsoever to worry about. If your back legs have gone, there are only two things to worry about: whether you will get betterer or whether you'll turn your toes up. If you get betterer, there's nowt whatsoever to worry about. If you're going to snuff it, you have only two things to worry about: whether you go to heaven or whether you go to hell. If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about. If you arrive in hell, you'll meet so many of your friends there, you'll feel very much at home, So why worry? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and strike the pose! Email me: ComedianUK@sky.com

                                           

A Proper Yorkshire Tale....

                                                

The Devil himself appears before Donald Trump and announces: “I'll make you the new president , if you give me your soul". Trump replied: “What's the catch?"

When Barmy Albert got home early from work, his attractive, voluptuous and single neighbour also arrived home at the exact same time. Albert was most surprised when she walked across the street and knocked on his door. He opened the door and she gazed at him in a seductive manner and announced: “I’ve just got home and I possess an irresistible urge to have a good time, get drunk and have tons of fun tonight. What are you doing later on?” Albert swiftly replied: “Nothing whatsoever. I’m free!” She replied: “Fantastic!” “Can you mind my dog?”

A Proper Yorkshire Tale: When Daley Thompson, Tessa Sanderson and Steve Cram are all round at Seb Coe's house for a fish and chip supper, the duties were equally shared. Steve brought the fish, Tessa fetched the chips, Daley supplied the mushy peas and Seb provided the condiments of salt and vinegar and the crowning glory was a pot of steaming Yorkshire Tea. As they were all just about to tuck in, there was a ring of the smart doorbell camera, so Seb has a shufty to see who it is. "Who is it?", asks everyone in unison. Seb replies: "It's Fatima wit' bread!"

Due to the NHS being strapped for cash, coupled with the rising costs of medical testing, a new formula has been announced by the government. All you have to do (in the privacy of your back garden) is wee under a tree. If ants gather, then you probably have diabetes. If the grass dries up, then you’re putting too much salt on your chips, so you should cut right down. If you can detect the odour of fried food, then you have high cholesterol. Furthermore, if you forget to pull up your undercrackers, then your memory is going. After conducting this test, my doctor has prescribed some tablets for my memory loss. I have to take two tablets, three times per day. Or is it three tablets, twice a day? The doctor also recommended that if I’m getting down on the floor, then I should ensure that I have a bona-fide plan to get back up again….

Fascinating Fact; Isn’t it quite amazing that the French are aware of the location of where two of our fishing boats are working, but fail to spot five hundred overladen dinghies per month sailing across the channel.

Knock-Knock - Who’s there? – Ahhhhhhh - Ahhhhhhhh who? - Werewolf in London!

                         

  



Non- Stick Nora read the horror novel IT by Stephen King and told Barmy Albert that it was the most evil book that she had ever had the gross misfortune to read and that it was so malicious that she couldn’t bear to finish it. The very same weekend, she visited Blackpool Illuminations and went to the end of the South Pier and hurled the book as far as she could into the sea! On Monday, in a moment of mischief and malevolence, Barmy Albert purchased another copy of the book, ran it under the tap, until it was thoroughly saturated and placed it in the kitchenette drawer for her to find.



The missus asked me: “Is it just me, or is the dog getting fat?” It was a massive mistake replying; “No. It’s just you!” That’s when the fight started!



My grandad always said to me: “Don't watch your money; watch your health.” So, one day while I was watching my health, someone stole all my money. Yes, you’ve guessed it! It was my grandad!" Sadly, he died on his 90th birthday. We only got up to sixty-two on the bumps! We used to call him Spider Man. Not because he was agile. He just couldn’t get out of the bath!



I went to see a faith healer at the Scropton Street Community Hub. He was so bad, this bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out!



Thought for Thursday: It becomes evident that you've put on a lot of weight, when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises!



Surreal Joke of the Century: A male frog goes to see a clairvoyant. The psychic tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog becomes ecstatic, "This is absolutely fantastic! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."

                                     





I couldn't make it to my local hostelry, the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub quiz night last week. I wasn't feeling too clever. I was also making every endeavour to avoid Sid, the landlord. He had asked me to re-turf a huge field at the rear of the pub, in order that they could carry out a civil war battle re-enactment. I thought “Sod that for a game of soldiers!" Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!





Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution. Whether we drink a bottle of £500 or £5 wine- the hangover is the same. I tried cooking with wine too. After six glasses in the kitchenette, I forgot what I had gone in there for! Laughter is the best medicine! So, visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and assume a comical position and strike da pose! You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work Fishface!

                                              

The spider that giggled....

 

                                   

Barmy Albert woke up in a cold sweat, terrified that he was late for work. Then he realised that he was already at work! Albert was in a bit of a kerfuffle, because earlier in the day, he was caught speeding down the M67, feeling quite secure in a gaggle of cars that were all travelling at the same speed. However, as they all passed a police Land Rover, a copper with an infra-red speed gun clocked him and pulled him over onto the hard shoulder. The efficient policeman handed Albert a ticket and he was about to walk away, when Albert protested and opined: “Officer, I know that I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair, because there were lots of other cars around me that were going just as fast, so why did I alone receive a ticket?” the copper replied: “Did you ever go a-fishing?” Albert answered: “Yes, I have. On many occasions.” The policeman grinned and sez: “Did you ever catch ‘em all?”

In days of yore, my mother used to work in the local haberdashery on the High Street, whereas, my auntie Agnes was in charge of the herbalist and wholefood shop. A far cry from the town centres of today that merely consist of six vape outlets, ten Turkish barbers, seven places to repair your phone screen, three tattoo and piercing parlours, five takeaway kebab emporiums and two coffee shops. Not forgetting a Ladbrokes. Moreover, I fondly recollect when banks used to close at 3pm. Now they are closed permanently. Where did it all go doo-lally?

BREAKING NEWS: A British man was attacked by a shark, whilst honeymooning in Australia. Newspaper reports advise that he didn’t suffer for too long, primarily because he’d only been married for four days. I heard on the grapevine that the best way to defend yourself from a shark attack is by poking the shark in the eyes. However, I reckon that I have a much better strategy and that is staying in Glossop.

                                        

A scouser sauntered into the Job Centre and asked if any jobs were available. The manager behind the desk told him that his timing was immaculate! He sez: “We have just got a job in from a very wealthy local businessman who requires a chauffeur cum bodyguard for his two daughters. You’ll have to drive around in a big Range Rover Evoque and wear the uniform that’s provided. The hours are short and meals are provided. You will also have to escort the young ladies on their many overseas holidays, mainly to the Caribbean or Seychelles. The salary package is £100k per annum!” The scouser gasped and replied: “You’re kidding me!” The manager sez: “Well, you started it!”

Fascinating Fact: I’ve found that if you tuck one part of your trouser leg into your sock, then folk expect a lot less of you.

Remember back in the time when our parents would send us to school with no water bottle, no mobile phone and no snacks, but somehow, we would survive until the end of the day.

I was walking past a local farmyard and I spotted a sign that bore the legend: Duck, eggs. I was just thinking that it was an unnecessary comma and then it hit me!

TOP TIP: Always read the instructions on funeral invitations very carefully and don't make the terrible mistake that I made. The words 'sombre' and 'sombrero' look very similar. Apologies once again.

Quote of the week: Such is life and life is such and after all it isn’t much. First a cradle, then a hearse. It might have been better, but it could have been worse. Norman Wisdom.

                                         

  

I’m very good in the bedroom department. Fifteen years I worked for Ikea. Thirty years ago, I’d think that I was great in bed. Nowadays, I think: “Great, I‘m in bed!” Of course, I fondly recollect when I could lie in bed in one position for hours. Nowadays, I have to spin around like a rotisserie chicken every fifteen minutes or my hip hurts.

I’d like to thank everyone who took part in Sober October. It was much easier to get to the bar.

Doncha just hate it when you’re in the kitchenette, singing along to a song on the radio and the artist gets all the lyrics wrong? Did Madonna really sing: “Last night, I dreamt of some bagels” or was it a fig leaf of my imagination?

I often wonder if spiders giggle while running away from us. Last weekend, I caught a huge spider as it scuttered across the hearth rug. The missus sez: “Don’t kill it. Take it out.” I took it to Wetherspoons. She was a nice spider. It turns out that her name is Simone and she wants to become a web designer. Who’d a thowt it!

Meanwhile, up Scropton Street back snicket in The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub. Non-Stick Nora sez to Barmy Albert: “See that crazy bloke over there, who’s paralytic drunk and making an utter fool of himself?” Albert retorted: “Who the devil is he?” Nora replied: “Well, ten years ago, he was my boyfriend and I turned him down when he asked me to marry him!” Albert was totally gobsmacked and sez: “Gee-Whizz! I see that he’s still celebrating his freedom!” That’s when the fight started!