Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Is Putin up to something with that Novichok gubbins, or have the Chinese released yet another lethal global pandemic? Either way, Boris needs to take immediate action and send Rishi round with a rake!
Only a piffling 3.1 million folk watched Boris’s address
to the nation on 22nd of September, whereas, a stonking 7 million viewers tuned
into comedian Matt Lucas’s spoof BoJo impression
on The Great British Bake Off, which immediately followed the PM’s speech on Channel 4! Spot the unviable one!
Breaking News: - Liverpool bid £50 million for Andy Burnham.
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Yeah right! Nice try, basket industry!
What with everyone working from home currently, I’ve come to the conclusion that Zoom meetings are akin to a modern séance. With rhetoric like: - “Emma Jayne, are you there?” “Suzie, make a sound, so we can hear you!” “George, is anyone else there with you?” “Joanne, we can’t see you, can you hear us?”
Whilst on the subject of ectoplasm, Non-Stick Nora went to see a spiritualist. In a dark, foreboding and ominous sanctuary, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Non-Stick Nora stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know the truth. Nora met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a woman a fish and all you get is “You call that an anniversary present?”
The primary difference between men and women is that if a woman sez: - “Smell this” it usually smells really nice. Whereas, if a bloke asks you to whiff summat, it would generally pong like a lavatory door off a trawler...
So, after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, just like they do on telly (when they had crowds!). Apparently, it’s wholly unacceptable in Crown Green Bowls!
Mark my words! All this new lockdown farrago that has just been brought in by the government will all end in tiers, or in Boris’s case, the tiers of a clown!
When this entire pandemic, lockdown, self-isolation, hands, face and space lark is all over, please invite me everywhere. I promise that I’ll turn up this time!
It said on BBC News that there is Covid screening at Heathrow and most other airports. I can't help thinking that it's a bit too soon for the movie....
I’ll tell you what’s wrong with today’s society. Nobody drinks from the skulls of their enemies any more. These days are really weird. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school. We need to press the reset button.
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