2020 ~ The Musical...

                                          

 

This lockdown, quarantine, self-isolation gubbins is turning us all into canines.  We’re roaming like dogs through the house all day, scavenging for food.  We are told “NO!” if we get too close to other folk.  Finally, if we go on a car journey, we get really excited!

 

I named my dog ‘Stay’.  Then I shouted “Come here. Stay!”  He’s gone doo-lally now!

 

Clocks went back last Sunday.  That’s all we need.  Yet another hour of 2020! I put mine back to last March and the lockdown lunacy that ensued then and is being repeated now.  I really feel sorry for them blokes at Stonehenge who have to shift all them massive stones 3 metres to the left and then shift ‘em all back again next year. 

 

In days of yore, folk would call to see you and you’d make them a cuppa and offer a sammitch or similar.  These days, all they want is your wi-fi password and use of a charger!

                                            

The missus shouted downstairs: “Do you ever get those excruciating pains across your chest like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re sticking pins in it?” I sez: “No, I don’t.” 

She replied: “How about now?”

                                            

What with this entire Covid lark, I thought I’d do summat different and make today all about classical music from the Baroque period coupled with a genus of flowering plants that consists mostly of shrubs or small trees. Yes, folks, it's Bach to the Fuchsia Day!  To celebrate properly, I’ve bought myself a De Lorean car.  I only drive it from time to time.

 

I'm sick and tired of all these terrible pick up lines that women use in the pubs and clubs like "What's your friend's name?"

 

Just reading that there’s a small island off the coast of Italy which is inhabited by five million Sicilian people.  That’s got to be the biggest number I’ve ever heard of!  Just how many is five million Sicilian?

                            

Top Tips: Instructions on how to fall asleep on a living room chair.  1)  Be old.  2) Sit in a chair.

 

The neighbour’s dog pooed on our lawn.  The missus told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. Bad call. Now we have a garden full of dog poo and no shovel.

 

I stood on the corner of Scropton Street, offering folk leaflets advertising the local martial arts class. Nobody chose to Taekwondo.

                                                    

From the archives: “On hearing ill rumour that Londoners may soon be urged into their lodgings by Her Majesty’s men, I looked upon a gaggle of striplings making fair merry, and no doubt spreading the plague well about.  Not a care had these rogues for the health of their elders.”  Samuel Pepys Diaries – London 1664.

 

We’re gonna have to abandon that expression: ‘Avoid it like the plague’, because it turns out us humans do not do that...

                                                         

 

Unviable chancellor retrains as a musician!

                                                 

     

Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Is Putin up to something with that Novichok gubbins, or have the Chinese released yet another lethal global pandemic?  Either way, Boris needs to take immediate action and send Rishi round with a rake!

 

Only a piffling 3.1 million folk watched Boris’s address to the nation on 22nd of September, whereas, a stonking 7 million viewers tuned into comedian Matt Lucas’s spoof  BoJo impression on The Great British Bake Off, which immediately followed the PM’s speech on Channel 4! Spot the unviable one!

                                                  

         

Breaking News: - Liverpool bid £50 million for Andy Burnham.

 

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.  Yeah right!  Nice try, basket industry!

 

What with everyone working from home currently, I’ve come to the conclusion that Zoom meetings are akin to a modern séance.  With rhetoric like: - “Emma Jayne, are you there?”  “Suzie, make a sound, so we can hear you!”  “George, is anyone else there with you?” “Joanne, we can’t see you, can you hear us?”

                                        

Whilst on the subject of ectoplasm, Non-Stick Nora went to see a spiritualist. In a dark, foreboding and ominous sanctuary, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Non-Stick Nora stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know the truth. Nora met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

 

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a woman a fish and all you get is “You call that an anniversary present?”

                                

The primary difference between men and women is that if a woman sez: - “Smell this” it usually smells really nice. Whereas, if a bloke asks you to whiff summat, it would generally pong like a lavatory door off a trawler...

 

So, after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, just like they do on telly (when they had crowds!).  Apparently, it’s wholly unacceptable in Crown Green Bowls!

 

Mark my words! All this new lockdown farrago that has just been brought in by the government will all end in tiers, or in Boris’s case, the tiers of a clown!

 

When this entire pandemic, lockdown, self-isolation, hands, face and space lark is all over, please invite me everywhere.  I promise that I’ll turn up this time!

                                          

It said on BBC News that there is Covid screening at Heathrow and most other airports.  I can't help thinking that it's a bit too soon for the movie....

 

I’ll tell you what’s wrong with today’s society.  Nobody drinks from the skulls of their enemies any more. These days are really weird. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school.   We need to press the reset button.

                  

Return of the man, who never came back....

                                              

 

I wrote this hilarious gag about Coronavirus yesterday, it was so funny that I was going to include it in this week’s column. However, the chances are that 98% of people won’t get it!

 Now that I’ve been categorised as ‘unviable’ by the government, I’ve been trying a few different concepts in order to survive. Last weekend, I released my own fragrance.  I thought it was reet gradely, but the other passengers in my car didn’t appreciate it and wound all the windows down.

 

Last year, I went to have my eyes checked and the optician reckoned I've got 2020 vision!  You’d have thought I’d have seen this Covid lark coming then!

 

Richi Sunak has stated that as all us showbiz folk are no longer viable, then he has advised a total change of career.  With this in mind, I went on the Gov.uk website and entered my skills and career details and it came up with an alternative job description that would be suitable for yours truly. It informed me to move into: - Performing Arts, broadcast and media publishing and journalism!  Who’d a thowt it!

 Of course, with a soupcon of imagination, one could incorporate a domestic and a showbiz career together. For instance, a singing window cleaner could work under the name of Chamois Davis Jnr. In the old days, Scousers didn’t appreciate Mancunian entertainers, so I changed my name whenever I worked in Liverpool to Ringo Shankley. But dee do dat doe don’t dey?

                                             

The way things are going, at the end of the month on Halloween, all the kids are gonna be knocking on your door and shouting “Track or Trace!”

I was watching Donald Trump and Boris Johnson on telly the other night.  It was riveting viewing and I honestly reckoned that they both seemed to be talking a lot of sense. Then it dawned on me that I was actually watching ‘Spitting Image!’

 

Donald Trump has announced that folk who cannot get to the gym because of the present pandemic lockdown self isolation scenario can inject themselves with Mr Muscle...

 

Q) What do Man Utd, Prince Andrew and Black Eyed Peas all have in common?

A) They’ve all been useless since Fergie left....

                                              

The other day, I was walking past a park bench, or as they're now called, a Scottish theme pub...

 

Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert what he'd been up to in the shed all afternoon. Albert sez: "I've made a papier mâché model of Mount Everest." Nora replied: "Is it to scale?"   Albert sez: "No. Just to look at...."

 

Breaking News: Nellie the Elephant has tested positive for Covid 19 virus. When she was asked where she thought she might have picked it up from, she replied:- “TRUMP, TRUMP, TRUMP!”

Travel does indeed broaden one’s horizons. Last year, when I visited Taiwan, I bought a pair of shoes. Imagine my surprise, when I looked underneath on the sole and it said: 'Made Round The Corner'. Fascinating!

 

Hands ~ Face ~ Space can all be improved by exercising your guffaw glands by simply reading my hilarious weekly column featured  in this esteemed organ. Now assume a comical position and strike da pose dude. Then visit my website www.ComedianUK.com.  You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com   Wahay!

                  

 

Rule Britannia!

                                        

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. 'What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it, full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water. It's an environment protection initiative."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, Sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Anti-discrimination requirements, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled....."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt; haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety again! Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: ""As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case. kiss me, Hardy."
                                             

www.ComedianUK.com

 

                                

We hope Trump stays positive!

                                                               

Come the next general election, we will be able to decide which politicians are viable. I have been declared ‘unviable’ by the chancellor and I should retrain to be a window cleaner. Coincidentally, the missus agrees with the government that I’m no longer viable. Who’d a thowt it! 

 

BREAKING NEWS:   Donald Trump sez: "I tested positive for Covid 20! Covid 19 is for losers.   I have actually more positive than anyone has ever tested before.  Doctors are amazed by how positive I tested, they can't believe it."   It would appear that Covid has finally found its ultimate destination. Sales in Domestos and Dettol are rocketing! If these disinfectants cause hair loss, then there’ll be Hell toupee! Stay positive, Donald...

 

                  

Thought for Thursday: Never trust a person that takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them, they check their phone every ten seconds! Furthermore, never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.

 

It has suddenly dawned on me that a lot of conflict in the old Wild West could have been avoided if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone. Fascinating!

        

If anyone has lost a grand in fifty quid notes, wrapped in two red elastic bands in Stalybridge last Wednesday afternoon. Please message me, as I've found your elastic bands.

 

When I was little I used to hate eating my 'greens' so my mum would always do the "Here comes the train, open your mouth" routine. I have to say it never failed. I always ate my 'greens' and then she'd untie me from the tracks.

 

Tommy Grabknuckle was on his deathbed. With a pitiful gasp, he managed to whisper to his wife Elsie, "I have one last request, my dear."  "Of course," Elsie replied, clutching his hand.  "Six months after I die, I would like you to marry Barmy Albert."  "But I thought you hated Albert?"  "I do!" Tommy replied.

                                        

Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora "Are those chrysanthemums?"  "Yes" she replied.  Albert sez: "How do you spell that?"  Nora thought for a moment and replied: "Actually, they're roses."

 

A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it. He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it. A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very poorly. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Covid 19 and other complications." Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?" The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of just pizza." The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?" "No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."

                                  

I found a twenty quid note in Tesco car park yesterday and found myself with a dilemma.  I said to myself: “What would Jesus do?”  So I turned it into wine.

 

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com