Happy New Year 2020! Wahay!

I always find New Year's Eve quite stressful. I visited the doctor and I've been diagnosed with Auld Langxiety.

At exactly 12.02 pm on New Year's Eve afternoon, my Welsh friend texted me 'Blwyddyn Newydd Dda'    I thought: ‘He's started drinking early!’

                                               

                                  

There was a big fight over the Christmas holidays. Apparently, a Bandit called Rocky went Crackers, and hit a Penguin over the head with a Club tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribband, then made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hob- Nobbing with a Ginger Nut. Two accomplices, one known as Garibaldi and the other known only as Rich T. Unfortunately, they don’t have a crumb of evidence, so the Jammie Dodger might get away with it! Christmas Crackers!

                                                 Am I a Joke to you, Austin?

                           

To all my friends and family who I gave the present of a book for Christmas, just mentioning that they have to be returned to Glossop library by the end of the January.

                                                         

I asked the parachute shop owner, "What will happen if it doesn't open?" He said, "Bring it back with the receipt and we will refund you." What a decent bloke, I can't argue with that.

                                   

Apparently the Finnish language has a word "kalsarikkanit", which roughly translated means "sitting at home in your underwear drinking alcohol, with no intention of going anywhere." Can any of my readers please suggest other single words for multi-tasking? Answers on a coastguard please. Matron will choose a winner.

                                           

A policeman pulled Barmy Albert over on New Year’s Eve. He curtly informed him: "You've got no tax or insurance, furthermore, your front nearside tyre is completely flat, you've got a can of lager in your hand and to compound an already unfortunate farrago, you are not wearing a seatbelt!" Albert replied: "I'll see you tomorrow then...." "What's that supposed to mean?" asked the copper. Albert sez: "Hang on a minute, officer, I'm on the phone."

RIP Kenny Lynch.
We were in a restaurant once and scribbled on a napkin over 100 rhyming slang for piles. We started off with Farmers & Chalfonts and then expanded it to over 100! Maybe we made some up, like Sheepdog (Trials) and Sandy Lyles , Sieg Hyles & Bathrooms (Tiles), Tate & Lyles, Nobby Stiles......Happy days.

Friends, don’t worry about what you have scoffed between Christmas and New Year. Just worry about what you eat between New Year and Christmas!
                                                                 

Non-Stick Nora took her ten year old grandson swimming yesterday. She sez: "If you can make it to the other side, I’ll buy you an Apple iPad for your birthday” So off he went, but after a while he vanished from sight! Nora still doesn’t know if he actually made it to Calais or not.

                                 

Fascinating Fact: The irresistible urge to roar like a lion is never more than a whim away.


                                     

In 2020, walk away from folk who put you down. Walk away from disagreements that will never be amicably resolved. Walk away from trying to please people who will never see your true worth. The more you walk away from scenarios that poison your soul, the healthier and happier you will be! There are those that I've walked with in my life. There are those that I have walked past. There are those who've walked all over me and then there are many I truly wish I could walk alongside right now.

 If you fancy a chortle this New Year, then visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington. Happy New Year Folks! Wahay!

Yuletide Shenanigans....

                                  

I sez to the missus: “Oi Fishface! What do ya want for Chrithmuth?” She shouted:”Don’t get lippy!” I replied: “Right! Mascara it is then!”


                                          

It cost a staggering £10 to go see Santa Claus at a large Manchester department store and forced to wait in a long queue for well over an hour. All that was forthcoming was a two minute meeting with Santa and a cheap mass produced plastic toy. What a rip-off con job that was! I’m just so glad I never took the kids...

                                                     

I asked Father Christmas for a Bentley Turbo and he told me be more realistic. After thinking for a moment, I asked him for a trustworthy political party to be voted in on December 12th. He asked what colour Bentley Turbo I fancied......

                                  

I didn't buy an advent calendar this year so I've decided to open a kitchen cupboard every day and eat whatever's inside there. I had a bottle of Worcester sauce today!



At the Christmas staff gathering, when people tell me, "You're going to regret that in the morning", I sleep until the afternoon, primarily because I'm a problem solver.

                                    

My missus can do a far better West Midlands accent than me, which just goes to show that the female of the species is more Dudley than the male.

                                                                     

My daughter just came running up to me; "daddy daddy! I've changed my mind. I don't want a bike for Christmas any more!" "Why not?" I asked. "Because I've just found one behind the wardrobe."



While my neighbour, Barmy Albert was away visiting relatives last Christmas, I was tasked with looking after his pet snake. However, it escaped and crawled into our chest freezer and subsequently perished. I was so worried; I asked Non-Stick Nora how I could explain this unfortunate occurrence to Albert. She replied: “Just give it to him straight!” That’s when the fight started!

                                       

Did you know that there is not a single canary on the Canary Islands and the same thing goes for the Virgin Islands. Not a single canary there either!

                                                  

I’ve just tried to scrape the ice off my car windscreen with a B&Q discount card. It was rubbish. I only got 10% off...

                                       

Fascinating Fact: Charlie Sheen is American, Michael Sheen is British, but Mr Sheen is Polish.



This whimsical Christmastide column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, tinselly tonsils, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting & inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than Santa’s elves. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes & Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com


                                  

Up the Apps!

                                                     

Last year, I bought my daughter Suzie an iPad for Christmas and an iPod for her birthday. The missus got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't pleased, especially when I explained it could be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean Apps. Unfortunately, this automatically enabled the iNag App. I can’t shut it off either, it just keeps on and on...

                                        

Some of these young whippersnappers treat their respective partners and Apple iPhones in very much the same manner. When they get a brand new one, it's all they can think about, consuming their entire animate existence by wanting to play with it all the time and cannot imagine not being with it on a constant basis. Then after about a year or so, it's still there and a part of their everyday life, but they'll start getting a tad bored with it and start thinking about other newer and more state-of-the art units. After seeing their peers go through several futuristic generations, they'll compare models and decide whether to stick with the one they already have, or get an upgrade. Some folk even keep their old one knocking around for a bit because it does things that the new one doesn't do, but once the new model accomplishes these tasks, then the old one becomes a thing of the past. Up the Apps! Technology, doncha just love it!



If you've ever lost your iPhone, take solace in the thought that maybe, just maybe, a large family of mice have now acquired a giant flat-screen TV.

                                          

Oh folly folly! I put my brand new iPhone under the pillow last night and went to kip. When I awoke, it had disappeared and a pound coin was in its place. Could this have been the Bluetooth fairy?

                                     

There was a spotty precocious youth sat on the back pew in the church at a funeral. He was talking into his iPhone, bemoaning the fact that 'funerals were boring' and 'there's no flamin’ Wi Fi in this church', when the priest approached him and proclaimed:" You are an ignorant imbecile, show some respect!" The scrote gazed at the priest and asked: "Is that all lower case, mate?"

                                

Quiz of the Week:

(Q) How do you milk sheep?

(A) Launch a new Apple iPhone and put a price tag of £1,000 on it.



The good news is that you are allowed more than 15 laughs a day! Go ahead and double the dose and make it 30 times today. (You may begin to notice your relationships improving!) Then double it again! You are bound to feel better, you will cope with problems more effectively and people will enjoy being around you.

                                                                       

Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington, if this made you chortle, which is my ultimate goal, then share your laughter with your friends and family. Laughter: it's good medicine, it's completely organic, it can be shared, it is recyclable and it's absolutely free!

                                   

The Gender Benders....

                                   

Dianne Abbott has voiced her disapproval following the announcement that the general election is to be held on December 12th. " I can't believe they are holding it on Easter Sunday" she added.



Hey Pollsters, listen up! Don't bother asking 16 and 17 year olds which way they would vote. Half of ‘em can't decide which way a baseball cap should be worn, or indeed whatever gender they are. I’m a thin person who was born into a fat person’s body. I’m Translender..
                                         

Non-Stick Nora has been trying to find a suitable partner on internet sites for the last few years, without success, she is quite perturbed that Brexit has had more dates than her during this time!

                                               

                                                 

The missus is really kind and considerate. It doesn’t matter what unearthly hour I roll in the early hours of the morning, she’ll wait up for me, just to tell me what time it is!



Sometimes, the wife possesses an infantile persona. For instance, I was watching Peppa Pig yesterday morning and the missus casually sauntered in and turned off the telly. How childish is that?



We keep a potato masher in the kitchenette drawer, because sometimes it’s fun not being able to open that particular drawer...



I have just been reading two Midlands newspapers that are serialising Charles Dickens’s novel, ‘A Tale of Two Cities.’ It was The Bicester Times, it was The Worcester Times.



While cooking a pasta Bolognese for dinner last night, I inadvertently got herbs in my eyes. I am now parsley sighted, but still need thyme to go to the cornea shop and grope some pasta, because I’m feeling Cannelloni at the moment. Nurse, fetch the screens!


                                                       

The police want to interview me. To be honest, I don't remember applying for a job. Unless it had summat to do with when I inappropriately touched Angelina Jolie yesterday! I think there are a couple of things you really should know. She really does have the most gropeable derriere on the planet. However, the staff at Madam Tussauds are a miserable bunch, who possess no sense of humour whatsoever!

                           

Thought for Thursday: Every day is an adventure when you're incompetent.



                                     

The accounts described in this gloppy column are merely recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text, such as Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become incontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, behave yourself and get back to work!

                             

The Daylight Robbery Heist....

Last weekend, I really couldn’t be bothered altering all the clocks in the house, so I’ve decided to just watch ITV + 1 for the next six months....

                                                       

             

This is the year is 2185. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. Nobody can remember where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.



I’m desperately trying not eat all the sweets I bought to give out to the kids on Halloween, or I'll have to hand out OXO cubes again. Last year, I was a laughing stock!

                                   

Every Halloween, a funeral director that I know, always ties the shoelaces of his clients together, because if there ever really was a zombie apocalypse, then it will be absolutely hilarious! Bonfire night looms ominously in the future too. Rumour has it that you should never return to a firework that hasn’t gone off. My back garden has been out of bounds since 2001.

"Some call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love" The Barista at Costa Coffee sez: "I'll just put Austin then..."

                                           

The missus phoned me and she was incandescent with rage. “I’ve found out you’ve been seeing another woman, you cheating swine. I’m leaving you and going to my sisters.”   “Okay “I replied. “I’ll see you when you get here...”

                                             

It has finally been proven that Greta Thunberg is making an immense difference to climate change. This is because every time she appears on the telly, over two million people switch off. Moreover, Liverpool FC fans are helping climate change too, primarily because they use public transport to get to an away game and then drive home.

                                                         

                                     

Non-Stick Nora reckons that I possess two major faults. The first is that I don’t listen to anything anybody says and the second one is summat else....



Diane Abbott was on BBC News yesterday and reminded everyone that on the 36th of Octember, the clocks go sideways...

                                                 

I gave the consultant permission to switch off the life support machine, should the mother-in-laws condition deteriorate. He curtly informed me that it’s not an option for a sprained ankle....

Thought for Thursday: I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire lane of cars teams up to prevent some heretic from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers, Mottram is ours!



                                       

It takes me exactly six minutes to get from my house to The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife public house, up Scropton Street. However, it takes twenty two minutes to get back home. The distance frankly, is staggering!

Thought for Thursday: If you see a fork in the road, take it...

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!


                                               

The Dog Called Brexit....

                                                    

Brexit! The undefined being negotiated by the unprepared in order to get the unspecified for the uninformed. MP’s attended the Commons last Saturday for the first time since 1982!   Doctors, nurses and other NHS staff have offered their sincere condolences.



I’ve called my dog Brexit. He wants to go out, but if it’s raining, would like to stay indoors. He likes being a bit on the outside, but still having his dinner, on the inside.


                                            

Roll on Brexit! Nothing is made in the UK any more. I bought a new radio and it said ‘Built in Antenna.’ A country I’ve never heard of before....



Men. Listen up! All that women want from you is everything and nothing, not at the same time, but on a constant basis, occasionally and always. In order to clarify the aforementioned, I asked Alexa: “Alexa. What do women want?” That was 3 days ago and Alexa ain’t shut up yet! Now do you understand?



Metropolitan Police have shifted the Extinction Rebellion protesters from London Bridge by opening a pop-up job centre. As a further measure, they intended to use water cannon containing a repellent. It was soap! Ryanair also confirmed today that any protestors on top of their planes will be subject to a charge of £75.



I was in Tesco at the checkout with a prawn sandwich and a packet of cheese and onion crisps and the young girl asked me: “Would you like to go for a drink?” Well, she was half my age, most voluptuous and very attractive, so I sez: “Yeah, give me your number and I’ll pick you up later tonight.” She gazed at me, with a saturnine grimace and replied: “I meant a drink for the Meal Deal, you moron!”



Scientists reckon that in the year 2050, with advances in technology, we will be able to have robotic spouses. It was mooted that these robots could be programmed to kill you. So, no change there then!



Thought for Thursday; I’ve just switched from eating venison to pheasant. It was an absolute game changer.

                                                          

This bloke parked his car right outside Buckingham Palace and a security guard came sauntering across and sez: "You can't park there!" "But I'm here to cut Prince Charles’ hair," said the bloke. "Have you got a permit?" asked the guard. "No, he just wants a short back and sides."



A Scotsman walked into a bar in Glasgow. In a usual scenario, he would be accompanied by an Englishman and an Irishman, however they were both still in Japan.



                                                   

If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the hilarious comic Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                              

The Collection ....

                                                   

                   

We were in the Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife pub last night when Barmy Albert turned up in the most embarrassing shirt you have ever seen. "Cost me fifty flamin’ quid this!" he opined, as we all continued chortling. "I hope you kept the receipt" I said with a smile. "Too right!" he replied, "First thing tomorrow, this is going straight back to the Man United Club Shop."



Denis Law was interviewed recently on Talk Sport and the presenter asked him if the team from his day would beat the present squad. He replied: “Yeah, about 1 – 0, I reckon.” The interviewer sez: “Why so close a score?” The Lawman replied; “Well, we’re all in our seventies now....”

                                               

Scouser in a bookshop:"Excuse me, I'm looking for a book about Liverpool FC in the Premier League." Assistant:"No title?" "Yes that's the one."



At the end of Corrie, it just sez: "If you have been affected by any of the issues in this programme, then please ring this number." But I couldn't, because I’ve been operating as a loan shark, after I had murdered the original loan shark and I'm now running a money laundering operation by selling junk furniture. I’d effectively be grassing myself up. HELP!

                                                       

BIG MISTAKE! Returning from a gig in Sutton Coldfield, I really should have exited the wretched M6 at junction 14. Junction 15 was shut. Instead, I endured a grand detour of the UK tarmacadam infrastructure (With the entire 1,000+ strong Eddie Stobart fleet for company) only to be re-routed @ J17, to face a 50 mile per hour limit until my exit Junction 19 (A556) Knutsford, which was also CLOSED!! Shurely shome mishtake? After a further circuitous route, I limped onto the M60 at 3-30 am, only to find that it was also closed at Junction 7! After a further divergence, I had been on the road for a staggering six hours! Was I angry? Undoubtably, YES!! That was until Radio 2 played the Roy Orbison song: 'I Drove All Night'. It was then, I started laughing inanely like an unhinged banshee and in mitigation, Your Honour, that was when the police traffic unit stopped me.....

                                   

I overheard a mother talking to her kid in Tesco and she asked the child: “What are the two magic words to use to get what you want in life?” The kid thought for a moment and replied: “I’m offended ...”



If we are not supposed to eat late at night, why is there a light in the fridge ?





I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on. We need another referendum to find out. You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website. Clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now get back to work!