Breaking News: Theresa May has announced that the Brexit transition period will be extended until all leave voters have died.
All this Brexit gubbins is driving me doo-lally! Isn't it about time someone called in Noel Edmonds to sort out this deal or no deal thing? Furthermore, will my continental quilt still work when we leave? Moreover, the big problem seems to be with Irish boarder. Well, if he hasn’t paid his rent, then just evict him!
Because I suffer from dyslexia, everyone has always insisted that I’d be totally useless at poetry. But I’ve proved them all wrong! Just last week, I made two jugs, a vase and a bowl.
What is the difference between a wife and a crossword? You can normally work out where you went wrong with a crossword. She reckons that I possess an immature nature, coupled with a childlike mentality and that we must set some time aside to discuss this unfortunate problem. Now as if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!
I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be. "You said you'd be home from Wetherspoons three hours ago!"
Yesterday, I opened the mail and received a photo from a speed camera in the post. I sent it back immediately. It was of poor quality and far too expensive.
Barmy Albert drags a huge metal box, covered in cobwebs and dead spiders to the Antiques Roadshow, when it was recently visiting Buxton. "Where did you get that from?", the expert asks. "It's been in my loft for fifty-odd years. I think it's a valuable family heirloom", says Albert. "Do you have insurance?" asks the expert. "No, should I?" asks Albert. "Yeah", replied the expert, "It's your water tank."
On a packed train from Manchester and a very attractive young lady gave me a huge smile.
It made me feel young again! Just two minutes later, she stood up and offered me her seat.
Made me feel old again...
Top Tip: Start preparing for Christmas early by falling out with all your friends and family now!
In a reflective mood, I surmised that as I get older, I begin to remember all the people I've lost along the way and say to myself that maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me...
Mark Knopfler arrives home carrying a large ornate picture frame and a bag of chips. His missus sez: "Where’ve you been all day?" He replies, "They asked me to open the new art museum and if I'd do it, they sez that I can have a rare French impressionist painting. Then I called in the chippy on the way home." "How much cash did you spend today then?" "Absolutely nowt!" exclaimed Mark, "They were all avid Dire Straits fans, I got the Monet for nothin' and the chips were free."
If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
No comments:
Post a Comment