When my daughter Suzie Nellie (21) was about 5 years old, she had an imaginary friend, who somehow possessed the rather sophisticated and somewhat grand moniker of Copper Du Maze. I was always taking the Mickey out of her because of this, however, one day; she got upset and stormed into her bedroom, slamming the door. I knew that I had to set things straight and went into her room and declared: “I’m very sorry for having a go at you about your imaginary friend and would like to unreservedly apologise.” She looked at me, with tears in her eyes and proclaimed: “Thank you daddy.” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied: “I’m not talking to you; I’m talking to Copper Du Maze.”
Moron-v-Mourners: I was attending a funeral last week and there was a flippant teenage oik straddled across the back pew of the church, nonchalantly scrolling through his iPhone, whilst loudly informing the other mourners that funerals were boring and demanding to know if there was a Wi-Fi connection in the church! The priest took exception to this appalling behaviour, sauntered across and exclaimed: “You, young man are an ignorant and disrespectful individual!” To which the youth replied: “Is that all lower case, dude?”
The general consensus of opinion from the government is that gambling ruins lives. However, that’s quite the reverse, as it's brought our family much closer. We’ve had to move to a rented DSS bed-sit flatlet. The area is so rough; we have to bring the doorstep in at night....
Breaking News: A lorry carrying ice cream has jackknifed on the M67 at Denton Rock. Police have coned off the area....
When a woman proclaims: "We need to talk" Why is it never about golf or football? When the missus sez, "What do you think?" she is not asking for my opinion. She is asking for her opinion, from my mouth. It’s like being a ventriloquist’s dummy innit!
A Poignant Thought: At some point in your childhood, you and all your pals went outside to play together for the one very last time, and nobody knew it.
I bumped into Non-Stick Nora in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife over the weekend and she was fondly recollecting her head teacher curtly informing her that “Looking out of the window won’t get you anywhere in life.” She confessed that she had a smug look on her face thirty years later, when she handed him his burger and fries at the McDonalds drive thru...
Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
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