How To Keep A Woman Happy....

..In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!

Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:


SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)

PROTECTIVE DUTIES
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet Schnauzer. (-30)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has breast implants. (-40)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say to her, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
You give any other response. (-40)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)


     

Unrelenting Addlepated Blather....

BREAKING NEWS: A 47 year old Indian man from Manchester has been arrested by police for punching his wife in the face. Chinda Gudunproppa denies the charge..


The taxi driver spouted inane drivel from the moment he picked me up. A barrage of unrelenting addlepated blather assaulted my hearing holes. He informed me: “I just love my job. I’m self-employed. I’m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do.” I said to him, “Next left here, mate.”



During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer: “Listen, I’ll bung you a hundred quid, if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honour, cherish and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that bit out.” He passed the minister a roll of banknotes and walked away quite satisfied with his self. However, on the wedding day, when it came time for the grooms vows, the vicar looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a cowardly voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the clergyman and exclaimed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a £100 into the grooms hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”



The phone rang and it was one of those awful telesales folk, who always seem to call at the most inopportune time. I guessed that it would be for PPI insurance, but I was wrong. These wretched cold-callers have now leapt onto a different bandwagon, with a new concept to put the bite on unsuspecting recipients of their dreary sales banter. Apparently, industrial deafness is the latest ploy with which to harangue folk with. She asked me if I had ever worked in a noisy environment. I only got to say “Pardon” six times before she hung up!



I called the vet and told him 'The missus is dropping by this afternoon with our old cat. Can you euthanize her without any pain?' 'Sure', he said, 'but will your cat find the way back home alone?'


The man who invented ‘auto correct’ died last week. His funfair will be healed on Sundial. I must confess that auto correct really gets on my nerves. It hallways makes you sail sum thong ewe diddly Nintendo...



Ode to Auto Correct....

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.


Next week is Awareness Awareness Week. If you are unaware of awareness and would like to be more aware of the fact that you are unaware, then Awareness Awareness Week could be for you.


If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com



             

Caddies' 10 Best Responses...

         

Those that play will understand the humour!!

Number 10:
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number 9:
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number 8:
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . you miss the ball much closer now."

Number 7:
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Number 6:
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .that would be too much of a coincidence."

Number 5:
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Number 4:
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number 3:
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number 2:
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . we left that an hour ago."

And Number 1:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

 

A doctor was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the

second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang. It was another doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The golfer told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all 18. He finished his round, shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw his wife’s doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted:

“You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn’t you? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU. It’s just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. And you’ll be her care giver!”

The husband was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started to snicker and said: “Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What’d you shoot?”



www.ComedianUK.com

The Meeting....

         

After a meeting in Manchester a few days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I searched in every pocket, but to no avail. Suddenly, I realised I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park. The missus keeps going on at me for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. She reckons that the car could get stolen. As I looked around the NCP car park, I realised she was right. The car park was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been nicked. Then, I made the most difficult call of all to the wife, (Or ‘Jurassic Park in Knickers’, as I lovingly refer to her) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice. "Are you taking the Mickey? I dropped you off!" Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this copper that I didn't nick your car!" Welcome to the golden years...

Fascinating Fact: The average person will walk nine hundred miles per year and will drink on an average, a staggering twenty-seven gallons of beer. That's an average of 41 miles to the gallon. I get about 90 miles to the gallon, give or take the odd litre.



Celebrating Valentine’s Day and the premiere of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie: Beads of perspiration cascaded betwixt her cleavage. Her whole body shuddered and tensed. She groaned and writhed for what seemed an eternity, before finally sighing loudly. It's always the same when the missus gets up off the settee...



This little girl sez to her Dad, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to be funny, the father replies, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I have?" questions the confused kid.... "Deffo," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"





Yesterday, I was on the phone to Npower about my bill,when I said to the wife "Pop into the garage with a pen and paper love and write down what it says on the meter"
She came back a minute later and handed me a piece of paper that said "Danger High Voltage"

Travelling a lot, (You have to do with my act!) I just love the free stuff that you get in hotels. Like coffee, tea, sugar, milk, shampoo, soap, 32' plasma TV's, kettles, irons, towels, bedding, copper piping, brass taps, electric lamps, etc. .


If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
                                         

Julie Andrews Turning 79....

To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for a benefit. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'.  Here are the lyrics she used:

(Sing It!) - If you sing it, it’s especially hysterical!!!


Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.


Cadillac’s and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.


When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Return Of The Knight...

       

I’m back! Now what are your other two wishes? It’s been a crazy year for yours truly, so it has. In 2014, I worked for Royal Caribbean on their flagship vessel ‘Oasis of the Seas’, which is the biggest luxury cruise liner in the world, accommodating a staggering 7,000 passengers and 3,000 crew! This is a truly state-of-the-art ship, and it was a joy to be part of the inaugural sailing around the magnificent Mediterranean Sea. So far, in 2015, I have been entertaining passengers on Fred Olsen’s famous ‘Balamoral’, on their Grand Voyage of the Far East. Now read on.....




I told her honestly: "I might not be wealthy. I have no money, or villa in Mustique, or prestige cars. Neither do I own several blue-chip companies like my mate Dave, but I love you, truly, madly, deeply and I absolutely adore you." She gazed at me with huge tears welling in her beautiful blue eyes and hugged me passionately, like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear.... "Can you introduce me to Dave?"




Fascinating Fact: Always remember that the definition of a gentleman is someone who can play the bagpipes, but doesn’t...




A linguistics professor at Manchester University was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”




I sez to the missus, "Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of English football?" "It's bobbins," she replied. "Total rubbish." "More than likely," I sez, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...."




You never know what goes on in the cranium of a kid! Over Christmas, the missus had a dinner party for friends and family, some of whom we hadn’t seen for ages. Everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All through the meal, the wife's friend's four year old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my utmost to ignore her, but finally it was too much for me. I asked her, “Why do you keep staring at me?” Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the whole table went quiet for her response. The little girl sez, “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."




Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

                               
                 

               

Fifty Shades Of Gran....

                             

She was a virtual prisoner. She just sat there squirming, her legs bound together and her hands tied behind her back. She never could get the hang of knitting....


Beads of perspiration cascaded betwixt her cleavage. Her whole body shuddered and tensed. She groaned and writhed for what seemed an eternity, before finally sighing loudly. It's always the same when the missus gets up off the settee...


She slowly licked her lips, slowly undid the buttons of her blouse and slowly lay back on the bed.
She did everything slowly, she was 86.


She stared up at me, smiled seductively and slowly bit her lip.
Those new dentures were taking a while to get used to.

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.

Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke.

'How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?' she asked. 'Fine,' I said, 'But I can't see how we're going to fit a Scalextric in here.'

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave flow through it. I probably should've told her about the new electric fence.

As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream, I heard those inevitable words . . . 'Clean up on aisle 3.'

'Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?' she asked. I nodded nervously. 'OK' she said and ate half my chips.

Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home.

'Hurt me!' she begged, leaning over the dining table expectantly. 'OK,' I replied, 'Your turkey's too dry and your sprouts are overcooked.'

She leant over the kitchen table. 'Smack that bottom,' she squealed, 'Smack it hard!' 'I am,' I said, 'But the ketchup just won't come out.'

She wanted to try phone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy. It turned her on. Then it turned her off. Then it turned her on again.

They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn't do it. Too many women, not enough thyme.

'I'm your slave,' she said breathlessly, 'Make me feel completely helpless and worthless.' So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.

Her body trembled and shook. ‘I can't wait any longer, do it now!' she cried. 'OK,' I said and got the winter duvet from the closet.

'Harder!' she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter, 'Harder!' 'Alright,' I said, 'What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?'

Hurt me!' she cried, pressing her body up against the shed wall. 'Alright,' I said. 'You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.'

'Stick it right up there,' she said, 'I want to remember this!' I did, and then I patted it firmly. You can't be too careful with Post-it notes.

My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless. No woman can resist a good lizard impression.

'I'm a bad girl,' she whispered, 'Punish me in a way only a real man can!' 'Alright,' I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor.

'I want it now against this wall!' she ordered, 'And keep it up as long as possible.' 'Don't worry,' I said, 'I know how to put up a shelf.'

As we sat in the dark restaurant, she stroked my thigh and said 'I want to see your hardness.' 'Alright,' I replied, and punched the waiter.

     

Bruce...

A boy named Bruce lived in a suburb of Sydney, Australia.

None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who
was always yelling at him, "You’re driving me mad Bruce".


One day Bruce's mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum
honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen
such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.


The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of
Sydney, relocating to Newcastle .


25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease.
All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform.


Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.


She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised
her hand, trying to tell him something, but eventually died.

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned
around he saw our friend Bruce, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who
had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his Hoover!
.
.
Don't tell me you thought Bruce became a heart-surgeon?

                       

The Explanation....

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.
Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr.Warwick Hunt, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

They start believing in the hereafter.  They run upstairs and think, "What the hell have I come up here after?"

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making trainee cadavers do more exercise..

SO THERE!!


I have more Facebook friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. So, please forward this to your Facebook friends; they may be my Facebook friends, too. Who am I, who are my friends, you may know?

     

One For The Lads.....

  

I never drink beer on a Monday,

Cos Monday's the day fer mi health

An' the wife's got me countin' them units,

I've just got to take care o' miself

So I merely have wine wi' mi supper,

An' just the one litre OK?

Then a rather large rum in mi coffee

An' I calls that mi sensible day



I never drink wine on a Tuesday,

Cos Tuesday's mi weightwatchin' club

It's the day when I eat nowt but cabbage,

The day I don't go much fer grub

Now a diet demands plenty fluid,

Summat light an' completely fat-free

So I've chosen that strong German lager

An' I just have five pints wi' mi tea



I never drink lager on Wednesday,

Cos Wednesday's the day fer mi jog

It's tracksuit an' trainers at mid-day

Then I'm off up the road wi' the dog

First stop's at the Globe fer some Guinness,

Three swift ones'll get me to grips

Then I carry on round to The Shepherds

Fer three more an' a burger an' chips

I make sure that I'm suitably rested,

Then I sprint back to our garden wall

In a time of under twelve minutes,

An' it's four 'undred metres an' all



I never drink Guinness on Thursday,

Cos Thursday's mi day to relax

I likes to sit out in t' back garden

In mi brown zip-up cardie an slacks

After lunch I might stroll by the river,

Breeze in at the Fisherman's Drop

Where I lounge on the terrace all lordly,

Sippin' shandy, but beawt any pop

Then cos I've been good through the day like,

She'll allow me to waver a smidge

So mi evenin's spent watchin' the footy

Wi' a few packs o' Boddies from t' fridge



I never drink Boddies on Friday,

Cos Friday's mi night on the razz

An' we meet in The Firkin at seven,

Owd Nodger an' me an' Fat Baz

Oh The Firkin's a beer-drinker's heaven,

Wi' fifteen real ales from the jug

An' we start wi' the ones in the tap-room

An' we works our way round to the snug

By midnight we're all talkin' gubbins

An' we're off fer a curry up town

But there's summat not reyt about curry

Cos I never seem t' keep the stuff down

We 'ave a good laugh wi' the waiters,

An' Baz moons his bum fer a joke

Then I'm home fer a nightful o' passion,

Cos I'm known as a passionate bloke



I never do much on a Sat'day,

Cos Sat'day's mi time fer a think

Cos me an' the wife are not speakin' today,

I'm a drunken, fat pig an' I stink

So I sit near the lavvie pretendin'

That really I'm feelin' just great

But I'm goin' right off that Indian food

If it leaves me in this bloody state

It's later I make the decision,

On my forty-third trip to the bog

There's only one thing cures an upset like this

An' they call it the 'air o' the dog

I ring Nodge an' Baz on mi mobile

An' both of 'ems likewise in pain

So we're back in The Firkin at quarter-past-six

An' we do it all over again



I never say Firkin on Sunday,

Cos Sunday's mi day to repent

I'm ashamed of all o' that boozin' I've done

An' all o that money I've spent

I begs the wife fer forgiveness

An' I promise I'll alter mi ways

An' she gives me a kiss an' a cuddle,

Like she did in our newly-wed days

We watch Songs of Praise on the telly,

Then a nice pot o' tea an' some cakes

An' I swear now I've climbed up the ladders,

I'll never slide down any snakes

But it's borin' on telly on Sunday,

An' I can't say I'm ever impressed

So I 'ave a walk out round the village

An' stop off at the Collier's Rest

Now the beer's a bit crap in The Collier's

So I leave an' pop round to The Swan

Where I flatten a shed-load o' Tetley's

An' I'm bloody well back to square one