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Saturday, 7 March 2020

The Coronavirus Pandemical COVID -19 Voluntary Isolation Quarantine Lockdown Gubbins....



Pandemonium ensued at Seymour Phunbagz Lap-Dancing Emporium, when somebody sneezed and the venue was immediately put on total lockdown! I had no option but to voluntarily quarantine myself for two weeks, with all these nubile, voluptuous, scantily clad young women, in order to prevent the spreading of this malicious COVID-19 malady. I texted the missus: ‘I am under coronaviral quarantine. If I’m not back home in a fortnight, then read this text again...’


I bumped into Elsie Grabknuckle in Scropton Street Pound Shop last week. She was looking a tad chapfallen and imparted some heartbreaking news. “My Tommy has passed away” She opined, “He caught that there Coronavirus.” I sez: “I'm so sorry to hear that. How old was he?” She replied: “Fixty Sore” I sez: “Oh dear, that’s no age at all, is it?”

Even dyslexic folk are panic buying! I popped into HMV in Manchester and they had completely sold out of Lou Rawls!


With all this Coronavirus gubbins knocking about, I wager all the companies manufacturing sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together. They’ll be strutting about like Bond villains!

While queuing in the Post Office, three blokes wearing masks wandered in. There was total panic! It wasn’t until they shouted “This is a robbery,” that we all calmed down!


In my local pub, The Pit Bull and Stanley Knife, they had a Neil Diamond tribute act on and when he sang ‘Sweet Caroline’ and got to the bit where the lyrics are: “Hands touching hands, touching me, touching you" everyone rushed to the toilets and washed their hands, whilst singing “Happy Birthday!”

Statistically, you're less likely to die from coronavirus than you are to be struck by lightning, eaten by a shark, or attacked by an Everton player!

Great tweet from ex Everton goalkeeper Neville Southall: “People keep going on about washing their hands to stop getting Coronavirus. Just give them gloves. As a lot of people say I caught fuck all when I wore mine!”

However, looking at the bigger picture, Coronavirus is not the main issue. What is important is that countless Britons think they are going to die without obtaining a blue passport.

Banknotes can be contaminated, so exercise extreme caution. If you’re in doubt, just send them to me and I’ll dispose of them at Wetherspoons. I just handled a Swedish bank note. Do you think I might have the Krona virus? Still on the subject of Sweden, the missus has a face like a Norse.

I was in the chemist and I sez to the assistant: "What gets rid of COVID-19 on worktops and other domestic surfaces?" She replied: "Ammonia cleaner." I sez: "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!"


I phoned Northern Rail (pronounced Fail) and asked them: "What is the use of having a train timetable, if the trains are constantly late?" The laconic reply from the person at the other end of the phone was: "How would we know they were late, if we didn’t have a timetable?"


When Barmy Albert bought his grandson a train set for his birthday, he was amazed to find that it came with a replacement bus service!


Life is akin to a party. You invite loads of people, some leave really early, whereas many stay all night long, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up very late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the shambles. Generally, they aren’t even the ones who created all the turmoil. These people are not just your true friends in life. They are the only ones that matter. I am your friend and you can visit my website 24/7. Just clickety-click on You can email me: Now, get back to work!


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